Tales of Midbar: Secret Priest

“I’m leading an effort to liberate Rendamar Temple,” said Buxnir. “This is difficult because the Nuhara leaders say there’s no problem and they’re not stopping us from worshiping there and there are no rape gangs. Officially the Paxian government agrees because they don’t have any testicles! Any minor attack on the Nuharas results in retribution. A major attack would result in Aramator invading and taking control of Rendamar and probably other parts of northern Pax. Pax has a larger and better trained army than Aramator but, as I said, our government has no testicles. I suspect having an anav priest and Nuhar Zorg’s bride could be used as leverage.”

The others looked at him, clearly not comfortable with this.

“Before the Cataclysm, Dwendra’s rank in Benai Nibeyim was Vinedresser,” said Ice. “Remember Haprihagfen was founded by anavim from Benai Nibeyim and we’ve basically kept the hierarchy from your Vinegrower division. However, we’d dispensed with the goy ranks. Therefore I know Vinedresser is a rank for untrained, unequipped anavim of exceptional learning. Now Dwendra has been trained to use her powers and equipped, she should be recognized as a Harvest Master.”

Dwendra was shocked by this. The Benai Nibeyim leaders looked at each other, clearly uncomfortable about this and Yoldasia looked as if she was about to have a heart attack.

“I thought that would entail following stupid orders,” said Yoldasia, “and we were a travesty.”

“I wouldst liketh to knoweth what that wouldst entaileth,” said Dwendra.

“Also,” said Ice, “I believe your constitution hasn’t changed for the last millennium ...”

“It hasn’t changed since before we left Earth!” said Yoldasia, crossly.

“Therefore,” said Ice, “it says the Grand Vinegrower should be an anav or anavah if possible.”

Yoldasia was now becoming very unhappy. “It also says the Grand Vinegrower should be a priest or priest’s wife! I’m a priest’s wife!”

“Ex wife,” said Dwendra.

“I still bore the lazy feces three children! Last I heard, you were still a virgin!”

“I think that would also need to be discussed with the full committee,” said Quandat.

I was starting to see a pattern here.

“Is there a possibility of paying priests tithes according to Yohoist law?” asked Ice.

Mum gave me a cross look.

This obviously wasn’t a good question either.

“We support priests,” said Yoldasia. “I still pay that lazy slob alimony!”

“But he’s not really a lazy slob is he?” I asked. “You didn’t let him work. Did he know that?”

“That’s not really any of your business,” said Yoldasia.

“I think it is,” I said, “as I don’t want to go through life not being able to do anything useful. Perhaps that’s a different issue but if I can’t work as a priest and can’t do regular work, there should be something I could do.”

“We don’t really have tithes,” said Quandat, “as we don’t have a temple and therefore the priests don’t do anything apart from fathering the next generation. Half the time ...”

“I’m a priest!” said Buxnir. “Like you Clindar, I’m descended from the Yohoist priesthood although that’s not a requirement for Winemaker priests. I am working in what I consider to be priestly duties, although I’m forced to be rather unconventional.”

“Anyway,” said Quandat, “half the time priests’ wives bare daughters as the first children so we don’t actually have many priests in the priestly families. Of course that doesn’t help when you’re one of them. You’re basically just paid for having sex as it is.”

“I’m willing to work,” I said. “I’d like to have some sort of career. It could be something religious that’s considered priestly duty.”

“Not all our priests are psychic or religiously inclined,” said Quandat.

“Being psychic ist a qualification for a priest,” said Dwendra.

“It’s hard when psychics are supposed to marry hipsickim,” said Yoldasia. “Also some are born to nibeyim and katcheyim in order to produce anavim.”

“I think this is something else that needs to be put to the full council, when we’ve replaced the deceased members,” said Quandat.

“Do you have any intention of compensating the people you’ve hurt?” asked Ice.

Mum was looking really exasperated.

“Do you want to bankrupt us!” said Vardnin.

“I think it’s only just,” I said. “You have seriously upset me and a number of other people I know and I doubt you’ve got any intention of telling girls you had them raped to stop me from having sex so they’ll go through the rest of their lives not knowing how or why they lost their virginity, probably thinking it was because they did something wrong.”

“I do think he has a good point here,” said Ice.

“Do you compensate people you’ve hurt?” asked Yoldasia.

“It depends on the circumstances,” said Ice, “but we avoid hurting people without a very good reason. It would probably be naive to claim no Haprihagfen has ever raped anybody but I don’t know of any who’ve done it and it’s certainly never been ordered by the leadership!”

“How do you expect to go about this?” asked Yoldasia.

“I haven’t figured out the details,” I said. “But I feel strongly it needs to be done.”

“This would be difficult to do,” said Quandat. “It’s something that needs to be considered by the council.”

“Clindar and Dwendra request you stop interfering with them,” said Ice.

“So you want us to pay you money, give you authority over our organization and have no accountability to us?” asked Yoldasia.

“I’d like not to worry about girls getting raped because they like me!” I said. “Not to be put in a safe house to protect me from Dwendra. In fact I don’t need protecting from her at all! I’d like to be able to ask the Haprihagfen to help me when it isn’t a life or death emergency! There are probably other things I can’t think of or don’t know about.”

“We’ll stop raping girls,” said Quandat. “Our rape squad got killed anyway. We’ll also stop trying to keep you two apart. You can’t join Haprihagfen unless you convert to Winemakerism anyway. We’ll inform all our operatives not to do anything if they see either of you. Of course this assumes you don’t attack us or cause us serious problems. Again we’ll really need to discuss this with the whole council but I think the keeping you two apart thing is pointless now isn’t it?”