SYBIL

Characters

BEN, a middle-aged man with a baby.

CHARLIE, Ben’s best friend.

Setting

Ben’s living room.

Scene 1

(A telephone on a table is ringing. Ben walks in holding a baby whom he is trying to comfort and he answers the phone. The lights fade in on a pay phone where his male companion is standing.)

BEN

Hello.

CHARLIE

Hi Ben, what are you up to?

BEN

Oh. Hi, Charlie. (pauses and considers what he is doing) Believe me, you don’t want to know. What’s with you?

CHARLIE

Well, This is your lucky night. I fell into these Celtics tickets. Do you want to go?

BEN

I’d love to, but I’ve got this problem. Do you think that Sally would enjoy the game? Here, I’ll put her on.

(Ben puts the phone to the baby’s ear, then retrieves the phone imitating a little girl’s voice)

“Sure Uncle Charlie, and will we eat brats, drink beer, and shout obscenities at the ref? After the game will we stop at a bar and make passes at women we don’t know? By the way Uncle Charlie, what is basketball?”

CHARLIE

Very funny, Ben. So I take it that you can’t. Where’s Claire anyway? Why isn’t she home taking care of the baby? Doesn’t she know that her place is in the home?

BEN

Evidently not, Charlie. She takes an evening class every Wednesday. Maybe I should take her shoes away.S

CHARLIE

You know Ben, you used to be a whole lot more fun. When we were in college, weren’t you the guy who was always entrusted with the city keys to close the bars?

BEN

You must be thinking of someone else. Besides, that was a long time ago.

CHARLIE

Oh, I’ve got it. So you can’t have a good time anymore.

BEN

Or anything less.

(Ben tucks the baby under his arm as if she was a newspaper.)

CHARLIE

Seriously. You don’t play much with the boys anymore.

CHARLIE

That’s true. But, that was part of my contract agreement: No playing with the boys, no playing with the girls for that matter, no staying out late, always coming straight home from work, and never having a good time. (beat) Ya, that’s what I agreed to. Do you think I should have consulted a lawyer before signing?

CHARLIE

I think that you should have seen a doctor.

BEN

So who are you going to ask now?

CHARLIE

I’ll probably ask Sarah, who doesn’t know the difference between Larry Byrd and Admiral Byrd. But that’s O.K. She’ll be more fun afterwards than you would have been.

BEN

She always is, but you’ve never given me a chance big guy.

CHARLIE

Ben, if I had only known, but now it looks like I’m destined to a life of heterosexuality. It’s women like Sarah that have made me this way. If only she knew the difference between a basketball and a bowling ball. But I suppose that’s not everything in life. What she knows, she knows well.

BEN

You might say, “a real pro.”

CHARLIE

Ya, well, I always said you should consult an expert. Speaking of women, how are you and Claire getting along?

BEN

Me and Claire?

(Ben sets the baby down on the table, forgetting about her while he considers his answer.)

Oh, fine I guess. You know, the stability of long term relationships, the predictability. They go on forever. Of course, you wouldn’t know, you guys who are always on the edge: a different woman every night, the uncertainty of each encounter, not knowing if you will be successful, experiencing all the variety that a metropolis of single women has to offer. No thanks, that’s not for me. Give me a little continuity. Give me a lot of continuity. Give me endless continuity. I can take it. I won’t crack. You can count on me.

CHARLIE

(sarcastically)

The Rock of Gibraltar. (beat) So besides relationships, how are you doing anyway? What have you been up to?

BEN

Not much. Same old stuff. Knee deep in shit, so to speak (Ben gestures to the baby).

CHARLIE

It sounds to me like you need to get out. Why don’t we go out and have a drink together next week? You could at least see what’s prowling around out there. It would be good for your libido. You know, get your adrenalin going.

BEN

Sounds good to me, Charlie. Say, have a good time tonight, and tell Sarah it’s not a good idea to dribble her bowling ball.

CHARLIE

Sure Ben, see ya.

BEN

Bye Charlie.

(Ben hangs up the phone and looks around, realizing that he has left the baby somewhere. He picks her up, comforts her, and talks directly to her.)

BEN

You don’t think that I forgot you Sally, do you? I was just on the phone with Uncle Charlie.

(pauses, and looks around)

We don’t have to tell anyone about this, do we?

(Ben shakes the baby’s head in a “no” gesture and walks out. The lights fade out.)

BLACKOUT