Strains

“You really can’t swim at all can you?”

My cheeks feel warm, and I blink a couple of times before being able to see Matthew’s face again.

“You murderous ass, what were you thinking?” I pull myself off the ground.

“Just doing my job, Elizabeth,” he tosses an apple into the air and catches it. I just can’t with him anymore. I get up and begin to stomp off, but… this place. This isn’t the same forest as before, or at least not the part I recognize. We’re in a meadow of ankle high grass and lilies. I lean against the only tree in the empty expanse, a broad oak with shady branches.

“It’s your arrival point,” Matthew says. “Every time you die in this world, you will end up here.”

I shake my head. “No, this isn’t it. Hercules, he found me at the portal, that’s- he told me that’s where all the students come from.”

“The normal ones, yes.” Matthew pockets the apple. “But you aren’t like the other’s.”

I cover my eyes and sink against the tree. It never ends, does it? A hand rests on my shoulder.

“It’s always hard at the beginning, but the first step is to resolve to not be a victim.” He gently eases my hands away from my face. “You pierced a veil that hadn’t been touched in a hundred years. I’d say it takes a pretty strong soul to make that happen. One that I’d be honored to teach, and if you ever manage to graduate, work alongside.”

I stare into his eyes. I wish I were psychic, so I could see if he were telling me the truth.

“We’ll have to deal with each other for the foreseeable future, so what can I do to make you trust me?” He asks.

“Tell me why you agreed to be my facilitator.”

He looks surprised by the question, but I want this answer more than anything. I’m in a whirlwind I can’t control, but if I could just understand something about this place, at least I would have something to hold on to. Maybe I could look forward to my life here.

Matthew sighs deeply.

“They would have banished you, Elizabeth. Sure, they’d tell everyone you were working a secret position or ran away, but really, they would have sent your soul through a broken portal to nowhere.”

“What?”

He nods solemnly. “I’m sorry you don’t have many choices as to what happens to you; but you’ll always have the most important one: whether you want to be happy or not.”

I lean back on the tree and rub the scar on my hand. The choices, my path, has already been decided. I sneak a glance over at Matthew. He seems resigned to what has happened too. It isn’t what he planned, just what he felt he had to do. I think back to the meeting we had with the councilman, how surprised he was that I didn’t get placed with the Aquas. Or why he had put off this part of my orientation until he could no longer avoid it. He made a snap decision to do what he thought would keep me safe, a person he didn’t even know.

“Don’t worry about it Elizabeth.”

“No, let me speak my mind, please,” I say looking into his eyes. He nods gently. “I’m so sorry for how I’ve been. I just, I just don’t know what to do anymore, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my afterlife being miserable.”

“Then what will you do?” he asks.

That’s what I had hoped to learn from whoever became my facilitator. I just need someone to tell me what I’m supposed to do now.

“You can start by mourning the life you lost,” he says.

I freeze.

“You never need permission or even a good reason to cry, Elizabeth.”

He opens his arms. I crumble into him, and for the first time since I woke up in Near Elysium, I shed tears for the life I left behind.