Somewhere Out There: A Novel

Monday night, a few days after Natalie’s second meeting with Brooke, Natalie and Kyle lay in bed discussing the idea of telling their children that Natalie was adopted and about the sister she never knew she had.

“It’s your news to tell,” Kyle said, “but are you sure they’re old enough to hear it?”

“I think so,” Natalie said, appreciating Kyle’s deference, especially considering his reservations about Brooke. “I know of one adopted kid in Hailey’s class, so it’s not like they haven’t been exposed to it. It’s treated so differently now than it was when I was growing up. It’s out in the open. Talked about. Nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I hate that you felt ashamed,” he said, tenderly. He tangled his fingers with hers, and Natalie remembered the night when she’d first told him that she was adopted. It was their fourth date, and Kyle had taken her to a small French bistro on Lake Union, where they looked out over the water, sipping champagne and telling each other stories about how they’d grown up.

“I always wanted a sibling,” Natalie said. “Being an only child can get pretty lonely.”

“I wish my brother and I were closer,” Kyle said.

“Why aren’t you?” In all her childhood fantasies about having a brother or sister, Natalie never imagined anything but the two of them being the best of friends.

“A lot of reasons.” Kyle set down his glass and linked his fingers together on the table, as though in prayer. “He’s four years older than me, so he likes to boss me around. I put up with it when I was a kid, but when I hit junior high, I started challenging him and he didn’t like it. We had some pretty epic fights. He broke my nose, twice, and I gave him more than one black eye.”

“Oh my god,” Natalie said. “That’s terrible. I’m so sorry.”

Kyle shrugged, but Natalie could see the emotion clouding his dark eyes and it made her long for a way to comfort him. “It is what it is,” he said. “We get along on the surface now, but it’s probably a good thing he moved to L.A.” He cleared his throat, looked away for a moment, and then spoke again, returning his eyes to hers. “Most of the time, I feel like an only child, too.”

Natalie reached across the table and took his hand in hers. “I was adopted when I was six months old,” she said, surprised to hear the words coming out of her mouth. She hadn’t specifically planned to share this piece of her past with him, but it seemed like the right thing to do, especially after he’d just related such a raw, honest aspect of his relationship with his brother. There was something about Kyle—something that made her feel like she could tell him anything. “I lived in a car with my birth mother until she decided to give me up. My parents didn’t tell me anything about it until I was ten.”

“Why not?” Kyle asked, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. His grip was warm and reassuring; Natalie felt like she never wanted him to let go.

“I don’t really know. My mom hated whenever I brought it up after that, so I learned it was better to not talk about it at all. With anyone. I felt like it was something I needed to hide.”

“But you’re telling me.”

Natalie pressed her lips together and bobbed her head, once.

“That must have been hard, keeping such a big fact about your life to yourself.”

“It is what it is,” Natalie said, repeating the statement Kyle had used about his situation with his brother. “I don’t really think about it much.”

“Have you ever tried to find your birth mother?”

“No. It would break my parents’ hearts.”

“What about your heart?” Kyle asked, and Natalie’s eyes filled with tears, already sensing that the man sitting across from her was the one with whom she’d spend her life. He saw right through to the very core of her, and she saw into him, too. When he proposed a few months later, he took her back to that restaurant, got down on one knee, and said, “I want to build a family with you, Natalie. I want you to be the mother of my children, my partner in everything we do.” He choked up then, but didn’t bother to blink away the shine in his eyes. “I can’t fathom choosing anyone else but you.”

Now, remembering that moment nine years ago, Natalie felt an overwhelming surge of affection toward her husband. “That’s part of why I want to tell the kids,” she said. “I don’t want to hide anything from them.” She swallowed, hard, to keep the tears down. “We’ll keep it simple. On a level they can understand. But I need to tell them. Okay? I don’t want to lie to them about who Brooke is when she comes over for dinner this week.”

“Okay.” The next evening, after Kyle got home from work, he and Natalie sat down with the kids in the living room. Henry clambered up onto his father’s lap, and Hailey settled right next to Natalie, who wasn’t exactly sure how to start.

“So,” she finally said, “your dad and I have something we need to talk with you about.” She felt a strange sense of déjà vu, remembering how her parents had similarly sat her down in their living room to tell her that she was adopted.

“Are we getting a kitten?” Hailey said, her voice bright.

“I want a dog!” Henry said, wiggling excitedly on top of Kyle’s legs.

“Hold still, buddy,” Kyle said, clamping his arms around his son. “You’re hurting Daddy’s legs with your bony butt.”

“Bony butt! Bony butt!” Henry chanted, and Natalie flashed Kyle an imploring look.

“That’s enough, kiddo,” Kyle said, nodding at Natalie, which she took as encouragement to continue.

“Mommy needs to tell you something about herself, actually,” Natalie said.

“What?” Hailey asked, bouncing on the cushion, causing Natalie to jiggle, too. She put a hand on her daughter’s shoulder, stopping the movement.

“Well,” Natalie said, “you know how Azim was adopted by his parents?”

“Azim is E-thi-o-pian,” Hailey said, carefully pronouncing the country’s name. “That’s in Africa.”

“That’s right,” Kyle said. “But why don’t we stop interrupting Mommy and let her finish. Okay?”

“Okay!” Henry shouted.

“So,” Natalie said, “the first part of my news is that when Mommy was a baby, she was adopted, too. Gramma and Grampa chose me to be their little girl.” Her throat closed around these last words, remembering how she’d felt the first time her parents had spoken them to her.

“But, Mommy, what happened to your real mom?” Hailey asked, looking up at Natalie with her big round eyes.

“Gramma is my real mom, honey,” Natalie said. “She’s the one who raised me. The woman who carried me in her tummy is called my ‘birth mother.’ ”

Hailey pursed her lips. “Your birth mom didn’t want to keep you?”

The question pinched the nerves in Natalie’s throat. “Well,” she began, coughing a little to hide the rush of emotion from her voice, “it wasn’t that she didn’t want to. It was more that she couldn’t.” Is that true? she wondered. Or just the least painful version of the story?

“How come?”

Natalie recited the same words that her mother had told her, almost verbatim. “She was young and all alone. She didn’t have a job or enough money or any help to take care of me, so she decided that giving me up for adoption was the best thing. She wanted to give me a better life.”

Hailey thought about this a moment, then spoke again. “If you and Daddy didn’t have a job and couldn’t take care of me, would you give me away?”

“Oh, honey, no. Never. Your dad and I love you and your brother so much. You know that.”

“You love me to infinity and beyond!” Henry shouted, and both Natalie and Kyle couldn’t help but laugh.

“We love you both that much, buddy,” Kyle said.

Hailey twirled one of her long curls between two fingers, looking up at her mother with a thoughtful expression. “Are you ever sad that she gave you away?”

Oh, god, Natalie thought. This was dangerous territory, prodding at deep wounds, pushing on the tender, bruised spots of her heart. But Natalie had promised herself that she wouldn’t be like her mom, shutting down conversations as soon as they led her to places she didn’t want to go. She was going to tell her children the truth.

“Sometimes,” she said quietly, as though uttering a secret she hadn’t even told herself.

“I bet she’s lonely,” Hailey said. “I bet she gets sad, too.”

Natalie couldn’t speak. She felt her husband’s eyes upon her, concerned.

“Your mom has something else to tell you, too,” Kyle said. “Something a little bit exciting.”

Natalie smiled at her husband, grateful for his support. She coughed, taking a moment to compose herself. “That’s right,” she said. “I do. I only just this week found out that I have an older sister that I didn’t know about. Her name is Brooke. Isn’t that pretty?”

Hailey nodded, digesting this, her violet eyes open wide. “Do I have a sister I don’t know about?”

“No, honey,” Kyle said. “You and Henry are our only kids.”

“Are you sure?” Hailey asked, her voice a bit shaky, and Natalie thought about the previous night when she’d tucked her daughter into bed. Before Natalie turned off the bedroom light, she watched Hailey clutching the plush brown stuffed bunny she’d slept with since she was three, and had been reminded of Brooke’s lavender blanket. How her sister had given up the one thing that brought her comfort so Natalie could have it instead. She felt herself begin to tear up, imagining that moment—a four-year-old Brooke wrapping a piece of herself around her baby sister. Finding the only way she could to say good-bye.

“Absolutely sure.” Natalie leaned over and rubbed the tips of their noses together. “Want to know something cool?” Hailey nodded. “You and Brooke have the exact same color eyes!”

“We do?” Hailey spoke the words as though what her mother just said was the most amazing piece of news she’d ever heard.

“Yep,” Natalie said. “I showed her your picture and she just couldn’t believe it.”

“Do I get to meet her?”

Natalie looked at Kyle, whose expression didn’t reveal anything that he might be thinking, but that didn’t mean Natalie couldn’t sense it. “Yes,” she told Hailey. “She’s coming over for dinner tomorrow night. I thought maybe you could help me make the dessert.”

“Okay,” Hailey said, and then Kyle began tickling their son’s ribs. “Oh no!” he said. “The Tickle Monster is attacking Buzz Lightyear!”

“Daddeee!” Henry howled, but he was giggling.

“I’m not Daddy,” Kyle said. “I’m the Tickle Monster! And I’m going to get you! Moo-ha-ha!”

Hailey scrambled over Natalie’s lap and attempted to insert herself in between her brother and her dad. “Get me, Daddy!” she said. “Get me, too!”

Kyle shot out one of his arms toward his daughter, so he could tickle them both. Their children squealed and laughed as their father played with them, and Natalie sat back with a smile on her face, so grateful for her husband. For the life they had built. Grateful, and also eager to know Brooke better, so their family could grow larger still.