Something Made of Vacuum

“Yeah, we’re going to go to the beach in time for sunrise. But Tom, you are the worst schemer in the history of guys who think they’re putting one over on credulous women. I’ll tell you a secret – we always know. It just that sometimes, we decide to let you think you’re fooling us.”

“You’re using a lot of words. We’re still getting married, right?”

“Of course we’re still getting married. But not because of this stupid trip to the lake. I know exactly what you’re going to do when we get there. You’re going to say ‘Oh! I am overcome by beauty! I must stay on Earth forever now, so we will live our lives in love right here!’ Probably after that you’ll swoon, just for added drama.”

“Helene, we don’t have to go to the lake. It’s four in the morning. We can get out of the car and go back to bed, and I’ll still love you and I’ll still stay with you forever.”

“We’ll do that in any event. But I figured out a way to force you to sell your spices to the ship’s chandler companies and make enough money that I can earn a living as your salesman.”

“On the Moon? We’re going to be here. I was going to have my family sell the business. Anyway, I don’t want to sell spices to tourists, they don’t care what they eat as long as there’s too much of it. How could you force me to sell to them?”

“I will bat my eyes and look up at you and say please, and you will do my bidding.”

“Um … well, okay, that would work. But I thought you didn’t want to go to the Moon.”

“I heard from my old company. They’ve given all my accounts away to other salesmen, so if I went back, I’d have to start from scratch. If I’m going to start over, I want to do it with you, on the Moon. Selling stuff that tastes good.”

“Well, that’s a dumb reason. You could easily get a different job here.”

“The other reason is, I think I finally figured out why I’m so bad at relationships.”

“You were with the wrong guys?”

“Never. They were all perfectly good men. Tom, one thing I finally figured out is that I want a man who will make any sacrifice to keep me, a man who will pay any price and do anything for my love. I want to be that valuable to somebody.”

“Well, I think that’s what I did offer you, isn’t it?”

“You did. But Tom my very dearest, I don’t need you to make the sacrifice. I just need you to make the offer. You’ve done that, in a way I can completely believe in.”

“That still doesn’t mean you have to go to the Moon.”

“But it does. That was the other thing I figured out. I have to offer that sacrifice too. It doesn’t work any other way. That’s what I never did before. Tom, Tom, I will make any sacrifice to keep you, go anywhere, live in a tin can, let you lecture me about my blood-lipid levels. I will go to the Moon with you.”

“Okay, I believe it. But as you say, you just have to make the offer. You don’t have to do it.”

“I don’t know whether you would believe it or not, but I’m not sure I would believe that I was sincere in that offer unless I actually do it. So we’re going home, your home, now our home.”

“I wasn’t kidding about crying from smelling the rain. It really hit me that hard.”

“I know. I have utter faith that leaving Earth is going to cost you, dear. Leaving Earth is going to cost me, too. Don’t have any doubt about that. By the way, I intend to make so much money selling spices to gobble-gobble tourists that we can afford to come back on vacation every once in a while. But do you see what will make this marriage work? We’re both going for broke. We’re in this together. Do you believe it?”

“Yes. Kiss me.”

“Um. Okay, now we can go to the beach. Here’s a tip – walk far enough out on the beach that when you swoon, you hit your head on the soft sand. It’ll save you a headache.”

“Will the sunrise be as beautiful as you?”

“Probably more beautiful, but I’m more fun to roll around with in the sand.”