Sincerely

I had spent the past few days contemplating seeing Lev again, I was worried what Elias said was true but I couldn’t stop thinking about him either, but I didn’t have any way of contacting him either than showing up at his apartment which felt like an invasion of his personal space.

I was walking outside in the cool air when my phone rang, I expected it to be Elias because he was the only one who had my number and a reason to call me or so I thought but the caller ID said: Unknown.

I picked up the phone scared someone had discovered a flaw in my identity and was trying to lure me to end up in the scrap yard Elias talked about.

“Hello?” I said cautiously.

“Is this Deckard Frost?” they asked.

“Yes,” I answered.

“I’m Alcuin Livingston, a colleague of Lev’s, I haven’t heard from or seen him in a few days, I was injured on the job with him, so I can’t go check up on him, I was wondering if you could,” he explained.

“Who gave you my number?” I asked.

Lev didn’t even have my number.

“I work with the police, the phone and number are new and were just registered and I saw you two hanging out at the foodbank volunteering last Sunday, I remembered your name and found it. You seemed close, I thought maybe he’d be willing to talk to you,” he continued.

“Where is he?” I ask.

“He’s following up leads on the Carlos Fairfield case, something’s off with it and it’s been bothering him since I got injured by an android accidentally. I’m worried, he’s focusing too much on the fact that the android could be responsible, what if he’s not?” he added. “Just take his mind off it for a while, please.”

“I’ll try,” I reply accepting that fate wanted more for us.

Alcuin gave me the address of one of the leads and when I arrived I spotted Lev quickly still wearing my beanie. The back alleyway was covered in android blood which was blue, and a damaged, clearly dead android lay at their feet. I froze momentarily, seeing myself in the android, what could be if any of this went array, and it made me feel fear. But I also wanted to make sure Lev was okay.

Lev left the alleyway and stepped outside the blockade and crime scene tape to compose himself for a moment and that was when I approached him. He flinched when I touched his arm but he seemed surprised to see me.

“You okay?” I asked gently pulling away.

“Yeah, how did you find me?” he asked, composing himself again.

I hesitated, knowing if I found it weird that Alcuin had found my number when he didn’t even have it, he would, too, probably.

“Alcuin, he said you might be burying your head too deep in work,” I replied quietly.

He hadn’t even told me he was an officer, I had found out myself, or maybe he thought Alcuin had told me.

He smiled at him. I like when he smiled.

“Are you doing any better?” he asked me.

I shrugged.

“I guess we're both in our own heads too much,” he replied quietly.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I answer, looking down at the ground embarrassed.

“I’ll finish up here and then we can go somewhere and talk, okay?” he replied.

“Okay,” I reply.

He goes back under the crime scene tape and makes sure everything is collected and secured, the gentleness seemed to disappear and it made me wonder if the same would happen with me if he knew the truth. I watch them follow his orders and eventually the area cleared out and we were left alone again.

I had taken a seat on a bench near the road to wait for him. I was staring off into space and looking at the blue blood left behind by the android on the floor of the alley. Again, I somehow imagined it was my own blood, Elias had warned me and I didn’t listen so this was my fate.

“Come on,” Lev stated gently, grabbing my arm and tugging me up. He led him toward his sedan and I get nervous all over again but follow him because I was also concerned and wanted to help him as he had helped me.

We both got into his sedan and we drove in silence for a bit. I watched him for a bit, his eyes focused on the road before turning away. He turned towards me then.

“What do you think about deviants?” he asked suddenly.

“I don’t know, I’ve never owned a robot and I don’t really have a desire to, I can live life fine without one,” I answered quietly.

“Do you think they have free will? Should they be able to live their own lives?” he asks.

“Does this have to do with what happened back there?” I ask.

“You were looking at the blood and you looked lost. It affected you, I’m trying to understand why. Alcuin did the same thing by allowing the android who hurt him to go to the hospital with him and then go home with him. I’m trying to understand it,” Lev replies.

“Blood is blood, you look at it and you know a death resulted there, it’s sad. It doesn’t matter if the life was human or android, something sad and scary still happened at the end of the day, and someone was still in pain,” I reply finally. “Someone or thing is still dead and gone.”

“Do you believe deviants have feelings? Like are they exactly like ours? Because they’re supposed to be able to imitate human emotion and how do we tell an imitation from the real thing?” he asks.

“Does it seem sincere? If it looks and sounds sincere, it normally is,” I answer quietly.

“Psychopaths do the same thing sometimes to blend in and they’re not all bad,” I reason.

He seemed to think about that for a bit.

We pull up to his house and we sit in the sedan for a few minutes.

“Do you want to come in?” he asks.

I still felt uncomfortable that I knew where he lived and he barely knew anything about me. How could he trust me? We had just met.

“Do you want me to?” I asked in reply, unsure what I wanted or was feeling.

From what I had seen or been looking through on the internet, it said I had feelings for Lev but I didn’t know what to do with that, especially in my predicament, I also didn’t know if he felt the same or just wanted to be friends.

“Yes,” he replied, avoiding my eyes at first before meeting them.

I followed him inside carefully.

When we got inside, we took off our coats and shoes, I felt exposed without the extra layer of clothing like he might be able to somehow tell I was an android even though it was impossible. I looked as human as he did.

He grabbed a beer out of the fridge and asked if I wanted one, I politely declined and he shrugged. He switched on the TV and I sat beside him as he sipped on the beer. We were watching a gameshow, Lev was explaining it as he downed beer after beer, I could see his eyes getting glassy.

Lev set his beer down at one point as if he knew he’d reached his limit, I was distracted by the gameshow when I felt his hand on my thigh. I didn’t dislike it, but I didn’t want Lev to do anything he’d regret while he wasn’t sober.

“Not now, you’re intoxicated,” I murmured pushing his hand away.

“You should get some sleep, it’s late,” I continued.

I got up and pulled him up off the couch as he had done to me earlier when I was on the bench. He leaned into me, a little more than I was comfortable with, but it was probably because he was too intoxicated to stand up straight. I carried him to the bedroom and placed him in the bed, careful to not injure him.

When I went to leave he grabbed my hand.

“Don’t go,” he whispered.

I didn’t know if it was the beer or him talking again but I sat back down on the bed with him, waiting for him to fall asleep. I brushed his hair out of his face, he looked so peaceful sleeping. Gentle again, it made me think about what would happen if he knew the truth. It kept plaguing me, I hated lying to Lev.

I snuck out of the room to the balcony, I stood outside in the cold looking up at the falling snow that was piling up out here. Would he believe my feelings were real if I told him everything? Or would I just be a confused, broken android?

Should I tell him now or should I start something before doing that? Would it hurt more if I told him who I was now or later? My head was crawling with thoughts, they never stopped or quieted and it made me wonder if this was what a human brain was like all the time, how did they think? How did they sleep?

I heard a scream inside the apartment and ran back inside. I found Lev sitting upright in his bed, holding his head and breathing heavily.

“Are you okay?” I ask sitting down beside him.

He looked up at me surprised.

“You’re still here?” he questioned. “Aren’t you tired?”

“You’re the one who’s worried about me when you got drunk?” I stated.

He avoided my eyes as if he had just remembered he’d tried to make a move on me.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured hanging his head in shame.

“I don’t know if you should be sorry,” I replied quietly.

“I like you, Deckard,” he spat out. “I’m sorry if I did anything you didn’t want to.”

I looked at him. If I did tell him I liked him, what would happen?

“I don’t know how I feel about it,” I reply honestly, reaching out and running my fingers along his arm.

He watched me before looking up at me.

“Why did you scream?” I ask remembering the reason I’d come running in here.

“I had a nightmare about Alcuin bleeding in my arms,” he replied.

“He’s alright though, isn’t he? In reality?” I reply, quietly.

“No one said nightmares were rational, Deckard,” he murmured looking away.

I slid closer to him, sitting beside him in the bed. He froze, and even though I’d been the one to move, he seemed nervous, just like I was. Maybe we were both scared.

“Have you ever liked guys before?” Lev asked quietly.

“I’ve never had romantic feelings for anyone before, Lev. It’s not that you’re a guy,” I stated.

He leaned into me.

“Do you not like it?” he asked.

“I just told you, I don’t know,” I reply nervously.

His hand which I was still lightly touching grabbed mine, and I paused. He leaned on my shoulder and I felt his hair brush against my neck, it tickled. He was so close.

“Do you want to find out if you like me?” he asked.

“How?” I asked, nervous again.

“Kiss me,” he stated gently.

I looked at him but barely moved.

“You’re hungover, I’m not doing this now,” I stated looking away but not moving. “I don’t want you to regret it later.”

“I’m not hungover, Deckard. It’s been six hours, and the alcohol’s effects have worn off,” he replies.

“You wouldn’t have asked me how if you hadn’t thought about it either,” he commented.

I had but whether it was a good idea was another matter.

I didn’t look at him but he didn’t move either. I didn’t want him to honestly, but I was also thinking about what Elias had said, too. In the end, I didn’t know either of them well enough to trust either implicitly so I had to decide for myself what to do.

I turned and reached over, touching his cheek and he turned and looked at me.

I leaned in and kissed him gently on the lips then, he kissed me back deeply and I returned it until he pulled away to breathe, I almost forgot that was a necessary function.

We stared into each other eyes for a while, lost as if we’d find the answers we were both looking for in them.

“Did you like it?” he asked gently still touching my chin. “Be honest, I can handle rejection—” I silenced him by covering his mouth with my hand.

I took it away slowly but kept my eyes downcast trying to find the right words but I couldn’t.

“I’m not sure, this is not a good time, for this, I’m sorry,” I murmured trying to stand but he gripped my arm. “Lev, please let go.”

“Who did you lose? Was it a partner? I can understand the hesitation if that’s it but you haven’t told me anything about who they were to you,” he exclaimed.

“They were like a father,” I murmured. “I’m sorry, I’m not good with emotions.”

He turned over in the bed and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from his bedside drawer. He wrote a phone number on it.

“For when you are ready,” he commented holding it out to me.

I looked up at him but took it, it would be easier than going to Alcuin to find out where he was.

“Okay,” I replied quietly putting the number in my pocket.

I stood up.

“Goodnight, Deckard,” he called after me as I left the room.

“Goodnight, Lev,” I called back.

I put on my coat and shoes, leaving my beanie with him, he needed it more than I did before I exited his apartment to make the long walk home.