Safe with Me: A Novel

Maddie is quiet on the drive home from the police station. Olivia tries to get her to talk, to tell her the last names of the girls she was shopping with so maybe James will have somewhere else to direct his anger, but her daughter stays silent until they turn the corner to their street and Maddie sees Hannah’s car waiting for them at the gate.

“What’s she doing here?” Maddie asks, uncrossing her arms from her chest and looking over to her mother with eyes puffy and red from crying.

“I called her and she offered to come over,” Olivia explains. Her heart aches seeing her daughter’s distress. “I need to figure out how we’re going to tell your dad what happened.”

“And you need Hannah to help you with that?” her daughter asks tearfully. “So I can feel even more humiliated than I already do?”

“Maddie . . .” Olivia says as she presses the remote on the visor to open the gate. She knows her daughter gets a little snotty when she’s actually just scared, but a teenage temper tantrum feels like the last thing Olivia can deal with right now. James will be home soon, and Olivia has no idea how to talk with him about Maddie’s arrest without it escalating out of control. The last time Olivia really had to discipline Maddie was before she got sick—it wasn’t like she misbehaved much when she was bedridden or stuck in the hospital. When she did—when she talked back or threw a hissy fit before yet another blood draw—Olivia mostly overlooked it because Maddie was sick—she was entitled to act out. Punishing a sixteen-year-old for getting caught shoplifting versus punishing a six-year-old for coloring on the living room wall is a huge mental leap for Olivia.

“Never mind, Mom. You don’t get it.”

“Don’t get what? I thought you liked Hannah.” In front of them, Hannah drives through the open gate and proceeds toward the house. Olivia feels a strange sense of calm, knowing her friend is here to support her.

“I do like her . . . it’s just . . .” Maddie shakes her head and looks away from Olivia again. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” Her daughter’s bottom lip trembles as Olivia puts the car in park.

“Sweetie, I am worried. I’m worried about you, about why you’d hang out with girls who would do something like this.”

“It’s not my fault!” Maddie says. “It’s not like I knew they were going to steal. They asked me to go shopping with them, not shoplifting! I said yes because I’m the new girl and I want to make friends. That’s all. End of story. God!” She throws open her door and climbs out of the car, racing past Hannah to the front porch, using her key to enter the house.

“Is she okay?” Hannah asks as she approaches Olivia, who has also exited her car. Hannah glances around, a little nervously, it seems, tucking her black hair behind her ears. Olivia wonders if she’s looking for James.

“She’s scared,” Olivia says, looking at her friend with tears in her eyes. She can hardly believe that it was only this morning when they sat in Hannah’s apartment discussing the truth of Olivia’s life with James. Now, she blinks a few times and tries to smile. “Thanks for coming. I really appreciate it.”

“Of course,” Hannah says, then hesitates as she had earlier in the day, opening then closing her mouth like she is about to say something else then thinks better of it. Olivia realizes this is something Hannah has done more than once since they met. She waits to see if Hannah will say more, but her friend remains quiet and they both follow Maddie inside, putting their purses on the entryway table.

“Maddie?” Olivia calls out, and her voice echoes. “Honey, please. Come talk with us. I’m not mad. I believe you, okay? I know you wouldn’t steal. But we need to talk about all this.” She looks to Hannah, who nods encouragingly, then Maddie appears at the top of the stairs, her arms crossed over her chest again. Hannah gives Olivia’s forearm a quick, reassuring squeeze.

“Talk about what?” Maddie says, still tearful. “How Dad’s going to react? He’s going to lose his shit. That’s how he’ll react.”

“Please don’t swear,” Olivia says, feeling helpless, mostly because Maddie is right. James will freak out over this, whether or not Maddie actually took those earrings. It won’t matter to him that the other girl may have put the earrings in his daughter’s pocket—what will matter is that Maddie got caught. What will matter is that he’ll be furious she’s done something that could make him look bad. Olivia has the brief, wild thought that they could simply pack their bags right now. They could climb in their car and drive away from this life and not have to deal with any of this. But where would they go that James couldn’t find them? How would they survive?

Maddie throws her hands up in the air. “Why not? What does it matter? Dad’s going to kill me, Mom. You know he will. He’s never . . . it’s always you . . . but now . . .” Her words stutter out of her, and Olivia knows exactly what her daughter is afraid of—that James will hit her now, too. A hot wave of guilt rushes through her for letting herself be fooled even for a moment that she’d managed to protect Maddie from her father’s abuse. No matter how much Olivia has tried to hide his behavior, Maddie is still its casualty—collateral damage from a war quietly raging between her parents.

“Oh, honey,” Olivia says, starting up the stairs, wanting to do nothing more than comfort her daughter, but then Hannah speaks, stopping Olivia in her tracks.

“Sometimes you have to stand up to a bully to make him back down,” she says, and Maddie looks quickly at Olivia, then over to Hannah again.

“You make it sound easy,” she says, her words stilted and slow.

“It’s not,” Hannah says. “But if you’re prepared, if you have a plan of attack, you can do it.”

Maddie still looks doubtful. “You don’t know what he’s like—”

“Yes, she does,” Olivia says quickly, cutting Maddie off. “I told Hannah everything this morning.”

“Told her what?” Maddie lifts her chin, challenging Olivia to admit what she’s never acknowledged. She’s let her body speak the truth to her daughter—her bruises and her tears—but she’s never had the courage to say it out loud. It’s time, she thinks. There’s no use in pretending anymore.

Olivia takes a deep breath, holding it as the words tumble out of her in a ragged whisper. “That your father hits me.” She stares at Maddie, imploring her to forgive her for not telling the truth sooner. Her daughter’s expression softens, and Olivia knows she’s done the right thing.

“We can call the police,” Hannah says. “We can tell them you’re afraid for your safety and they’ll come.”

At the thought of bringing the police in on the situation, every ounce of courage Olivia might have been feeling evaporates. She shoots Hannah a panicked look. “I can’t,” she says. “Not yet.”

“When, then?” Hannah asks, sounding desperate. “When he breaks your bones? Or when he finally hits Maddie? Will that be reason enough for you to leave him?” She takes in a sharp breath and then continues, her hands balled into tight fists at her sides. “I know I said this morning that I wouldn’t tell you what to do, but I was wrong. I was wrong because you still have your daughter, Olivia. She’s bright and beautiful and kind and she’s right here.” She waits a beat, as though considering the wisdom of what she wants to say next. “Do you have any idea how much I’d give to have Emily with me again?” Olivia begins crying when Hannah mentions the death of her own daughter. Hannah continues. “Do you? I would do anything. Anything to have the chance to save her, to protect her . . .” Her voice breaks and she has to clear her throat before going on. “To keep her alive. This is your chance. You can either take it or not. But if you don’t and James hurts her more than he already has—if he beats her the same way he’s beat you—you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. You won’t be able to stop blaming yourself, not even for a minute. You’ll know if you’d just done one thing differently, she’d be okay. I live with that feeling every day . . . knowing if I’d made different choices the day Emily died, she might still be here.”

Olivia’s shoulders shake as Hannah finishes speaking. Maddie rushes down the stairs and throws her arms around her mother. “It’s okay, Mama,” she says. “We’ll figure it out and we’ll be okay.” Maddie glares at Hannah over her mother’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Hannah whispers, her shoulders slumped. “I shouldn’t . . . it’s not my place to talk like that to you . . . I just . . .” She trails off, and Maddie’s gaze softens the slightest bit. She pulls back from her mother, and Olivia looks at Hannah through watery eyes.

“But you’re right. We can’t live like this anymore.” She sniffs and takes Maddie’s hand in hers, taking another calming breath before going on. “So I think it’s best if we don’t tell your dad about what happened at the mall today. He doesn’t need to know.” She turns toward Maddie and puts her hands on her daughter’s shoulders. “Hannah is right. You are good and kind and smart and you deserve better than being afraid of your own father. I’m sorry I’ve let it go on so long . . . I just . . . I never thought . . . you were so sick and I didn’t know how—” Olivia stumbles over her words, trying to find a good explanation for why she stayed with James. But maybe that’s the problem. When it comes right down to it, there isn’t one.

“I get it, Mom,” Maddie says through her own tears. “It’s okay.” She glances over to Hannah, who is tearfully watching their exchange. Olivia reaches out a hand to her friend, but Hannah takes a step back from them, frowning with her blue eyes wide.

“What is it?” Olivia asks her, dropping her arm back to her side. She pauses. “I’m not angry with you, if that’s what you’re thinking. What you said about losing your daughter . . . how you’d do anything to save her and keep her safe . . .” She puts a splayed hand over her chest. “Oh my god, Hannah, that so hit home with me. I’ve been pretending like I have some kind of control over how James will react, like I can manage his behavior or turn it away from Maddie or whatever, but the truth is that even if I could, it doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t be with a man I’m afraid might beat my child.” She drops her hand back to her side and takes a deep breath. “I shouldn’t be with a man who beats me.”

Hannah shakes her head, indicating that isn’t what she’s worried about. “I need to tell you something,” she says. Her voice is thin and quiet. “Both of you.”

Olivia freezes, suddenly apprehensive of what her friend might have to say.

“Tell us what?” Maddie asks, pulling away from Olivia and cocking her head to one side. “My dad’s going to be home any minute. If we’re going to leave . . .”

“I don’t think we can leave tonight, honey,” Olivia says, temporarily sidetracked from whatever it is Hannah needs to say. “I want to, but I think it would be better to plan a little bit . . . to figure out money and where we’re going to live . . .”

“I need to tell you both something!” Hannah says again—loudly this time—and both Olivia and Maddie startle at her insistence. Hannah is breathing hard; her chest heaves and her entire body jitters.

“Hannah,” Olivia says nervously. “What is it?” She looks at her new friend, worried that James will walk through the door, see them all crying, and demand to know what happened. She needs to get Maddie showered and fed; she needs to calm herself down before dealing with her husband. But Hannah has been there for her today—more than anyone else ever has. No matter how emotionally exhausted she is, Olivia owes it to her to at least listen.

Hannah doesn’t answer her; instead, she steps over to the table where her purse lies next to Olivia’s and reaches inside it. She pulls out a white piece of paper folded into thirds. Silently, she hands it to Maddie.

“What’s this?” Maddie asks as she carefully opens the paper. Her mouth drops slightly open as she looks at the writing on the page, and Olivia throws another questioning glance at Hannah. But before Hannah can speak, Maddie crumples the paper in her grasp and stares at Hannah. “Where did you get this?” she demands.

“Zoe Parker,” Hannah says quietly. The name rings a bell for Olivia, but she can’t quite put her finger on why.

“The transplant coordinator,” Maddie says, gripping the paper so tightly it begins to tear.

“Please don’t,” Hannah says, panic lighting up her words. She holds out her hand, as though to take the paper back. “I want to keep it. It was such a beautiful letter, Maddie. It meant so much that you wrote it.” Her chin quivers as she speaks; her blue eyes are still glassy with tears.

Olivia shakes her head, trying to comprehend what Hannah has just said. Why would Maddie write Hannah a letter? And the transplant coordinator? What the hell is going on?

“It’s you?” Maddie says, her eyes wide with disbelief as she releases the paper and lets it flutter to the floor. “Your daughter . . . ?”

“Yes.” Hannah squats down and grabs the letter, tucking it back inside her purse. Olivia watches this, and suddenly, it begins to dawn on her what might be happening. No. There’s no way. Hannah’s daughter wasn’t the right age to be Maddie’s donor.

“But you said she was five,” Maddie says, as though she could hear Olivia’s thoughts. She stares at Hannah accusingly, her eyes flashing in a way so similar to James’s eyes when his fury takes him over, it makes Olivia’s heart skip a beat.

“I know, but—” Hannah begins.

“Wait a minute,” Olivia says, cutting Hannah off, not wanting to believe that what she suspects is going on between her friend and Maddie is the truth. She turns to her daughter, looking at her sternly. “You wrote Hannah a letter? Why?”

“I wrote a letter to the parents of the girl who donated her liver to me,” Maddie says, then narrows her eyes at Hannah. “How did you find us?”

Olivia is stunned; a hundred thoughts tumble through her mind at once. Did Hannah seek them out? Did she somehow figure out a way to meet them? No, she couldn’t have, Olivia decides. We walked into her salon on a whim. Completely on our own. There’s no way this could be true.

“Maddie, wait a minute,” Olivia says, putting her arm around her daughter’s shoulders. “This can’t be right. Tell her, Hannah. Tell her she’s wrong.”

Hannah turns to face Olivia and shakes her head. “I wish I could but . . . Emily was Maddie’s donor. I didn’t know for certain until I got Maddie’s letter today.” She takes in a deep breath and releases it before going on. “I didn’t mean to lie about Emily’s age . . . I was just completely blindsided when you came into the salon and it just sort of popped out when you asked me about her. And then you told me about James basically forbidding you to contact the donor family and I was afraid of what he’d do if he found out who I was. I didn’t want to say anything that could get you in trouble with him until I knew for sure.”

“Hold on,” Olivia says, clutching Maddie’s shoulders so tightly her daughter flinches. She relaxes her fingers and takes a couple of deep breaths. “You’ve been lying to me?” Olivia’s mind whirls. What if James finds out about this? What will he do to me? She can almost feel his fingers around her throat. She has to get Hannah out of this house. James will be home any minute. He can’t know who Hannah is.

“I was afraid if I told you about Emily, you’d stop talking with me,” Hannah says hurriedly. “I’ve been so closed off since the accident and you and I connected so easily . . . I just . . . I didn’t want to lose that. It was stupid. I’m sorry, Olivia. I’m so, so sorry.”

For a moment Olivia’s heart softens, understanding why Hannah was afraid to reveal her suspicions to them. Olivia puts her fingers to her forehead and grips them there, trying to sort out her conflicting feelings. She wants to understand why this happened, but she also knows if James finds out, he’ll lose his mind.

Before she can respond to Hannah, the front door swings open and James strides across the threshold. As he looks them over—assessing the tears, the smeared makeup, the angry expression on Maddie’s face—they all freeze where they stand.

“What’s going on?” James says, quickly dropping his briefcase to the floor.

“Nothing, honey,” Olivia says, shooting Hannah a look that makes it clear she shouldn’t speak. “Just a misunderstanding. Everything’s fine.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing,” James says, crossing his arms over his broad chest. Olivia knows that no matter what she and Maddie decide to do—how long they stay with James—she can never tell her husband Hannah’s true identity. She’ll simply tell him they had a falling-out and his appraisal of her had been right—Hannah couldn’t be trusted. No matter how hurt Olivia might be that Hannah lied to them, suddenly, it isn’t just herself and Maddie that Olivia needs to protect from James. It’s Hannah, too.

“Believe me, it is,” Olivia says, hoping she sounds convincingly lighthearted considering the weight that now sits on her chest. “And Hannah was just leaving.”

Hannah holds her gaze for a moment, her blue eyes pleading and sorrowful, but then she presses her lips together and nods, slinging her purse over her shoulder. She pushes past James, who stands like a bouncer in front of the doorway, and then stops once she reaches the front porch. The light casts a warm, pale glow on her face, and Olivia stares at the woman who only moments ago she thought might become her closest friend, wondering how she never even suspected the truth. Wondering if she’ll ever get to see Hannah again.