Reminders of Him: A Novel

Dear Scotty,

I’m sorry I hardly write to you anymore. I used to write to you because I was lonely, so I guess it’s a good thing the letters are few and far between now.

I still miss you. I’ll always miss you. But I’m convinced that the holes you left behind are only holes felt by us. Wherever you are, you’re complete. That’s what matters.

Diem is growing so fast. She just turned seven. It’s hard to wrap my mind around the idea that I wasn’t here for the first five years of her life because it feels like I’ve always been here. I’m sure that has a lot to do with Ledger and your parents. They tell me stories about her growing up and show me videos, so it sometimes seems like I missed nothing at all.

I don’t know that Diem even remembers a life without me in it. To her, I’ve always been here. I know that’s because all the people who loved you gave her everything she needed when you and I couldn’t be there.

She still lives with your parents, although I see her every day. She stays with Ledger and me at least two nights a week. She has her own bedroom at both houses. We eat dinner together every night.

I’d love for her to live with me full time, but I also know it’s important she keep the routine she’s had since birth. And Patrick and Grace deserve to be the major component in her life. I would never want to take that from them.

Since the day they accepted me into her life, I’ve never felt unwelcome. Not for one day or even one second. They didn’t accept me with conditions. They just accepted me like I belong here with all the people who loved you.

You were surrounded by good people, Scotty. From your parents to your best friend to your best friend’s parents, I have never met a family more loving.

The people that were in your life are now the people who are in my life, and I’ll do everything I can to continue to show them as much love and respect as you gave them. I’ll treat each of my relationships with the same level of significance and respect I give to the naming process.

You know how seriously I take naming things. I thought long and hard about what to name Diem when she was born, and I even took three days to name Ivy.

The last name I handed out two weeks ago was by far one of the more important ones, yet somehow the easiest name to come up with.

When they placed our newborn son on my chest, I looked down at him through teary eyes, and I said, “Hi, Scotty.”

Love,

Kenna