Remembering You

It is nothing personal. When you blame yourself for something happening. If you had only said no, in a different tone. If you only walked away when danger shone. It is nothing personal when your body isn’t your own anymore. You lost your protection, your safety, and home. But somehow you are to blame for what happened or, so it seems. Protection is the one thing you need. And if you lose that, then what’s next?

What’s next? When you wish to love, but can barely stand to be touched? What is next when you lost the person you used to be? What is next, when everything is forever gone?

It’s nothing personal. You wanted it. Your body said yes, who cares what you verbally said. You wanted it. You were a tease. Forever known as that. Flirting with guys, showing them, you wanted something. It is nothing personal, when you showed them you were interested. It is nothing personal, when they took what was theirs to take. It is nothing personal, when they blame you.

Protection, safety, home, all thrown to the wind. Crying at the thought of what has happened. What if someone thinks differently of you? What if they look at you like you were to be? Why are you crying, you aren’t the victim? You are the reason it happened. You are the reason your body was taken away. It’s nothing personal, when all you are is a sex object to them.

But that’s where it is all wrong... it is personal. It is the actions they took that destroyed you. It’s the actions they took that changed you. Those minutes it happened, those seconds of speaking up, that word no, was not understood.

You wake up afraid to tell the truth. You wish to hide from the world. Your safety net was thrown to the wind. What if no one believes you? What if you forever are haunted by this?

It’s nothing personal when you know what has happened. It is nothing personal when you stand up for yourself. It is nothing personal when you slowly drift away from people. It’s nothing personal to be afraid of another’s touch. It is nothing personal when you do not trust others very well after this.

It is nothing personal, when you crawl into bed and cry yourself to sleep. When you take off your clothes and see memories of what happened. It is nothing personal, when you cannot stand the way you look when you pass a mirror. It is nothing personal, when you lost all interest in the world.

But how can one mistake change your life this much? How can the pressure to do something, damage you this much? Mentally change you. Physically scar you. How is it possible you feel all the blame on something that if it was taught to them, they would have stopped. They would have respected you. It is something personal, when the word no is not heard. When it is just passed off as a playful word. Like come and get me, what I say does not mean what it means. What I say does not mean back off. What I say does not match my actions.

It is personal, when you are the one damaged by the whole incident. When you can no longer say you want to be touched by another human, because of fear that this will happen again. It is nothing personal, but that is just a lie. It is every bit as personal as the actions that were taken. As the words that were spoke. It is personal, when the words you speak are not taken as they should be.