Rebellion

I was handcuffed to a chair. It’s not like I would run anywhere or try to fight. But Iris wanted me handcuffed to a chair, both my hands were cuffed to the arms of the chair. I was tired and hungry but here I was, being held here because Iris just wanted to talk. I was more than just slightly resistant. I was pissed off.

It’s been two hours that he finally showed up. The president was with him too. Unfortunately I was about to get a mouthful of angry comments and words.

“Are you out of your damn mind, Aurora? What is wrong with you?” The President was pacing around the room angrily, just about to lose it. There was a vein on his forehead that was about to pop out. That’s how upset he was. “This has got to be the dumbest thing you’ve ever done in your life.”

He has no idea that this was the smartest thing I’ve ever done. I just saved thousands of people from Janus’ brutal control and the President wants to call me dumb?

“How’s your campaigning for reelection?” I asked casually. He stopped walking and looked at me knowingly. I wouldn’t sabotage him or anything.

I was just curious.

“By the way, I won’t vote for you.” I said casually. “Again.” I added.

The President’s expression changed rather quickly and he went back to his desk to sit down. Good thing he was going to keep quiet.

“Aurora.” Now Iris wanted to talk to me.

He stepped up next and I bet he just wanted to know what I was doing, why I was doing it, and if I would consider reverting everything to normal.

It’s no longer my problem.

“Can I leave? I’m supposed to go turn myself in to the Department of Justice.” I said, a little impatient. I wanted to get out of these cuffs, they were hurting my wrists.

He looked slightly confused. Or maybe...unwilling? “I can’t necessarily let that happen.” Iris sighed.

And why can’t he let me? I did everything wrong. He should at least let me tell the department that.

“What you did was on a different level of criminal.” Was that praise? “But unfortunately, I bargained your case for intel.”

“I already know. Let me leave.” I wiggled in the chair but I can’t break the cuffs.

“I didn’t believe that Janus was causing a problem.” He walked around slowly. “In fact, I thought it was a lie the entire department fabricated to get him terminated.” He explained as he moved his hands behind his back.

Well clearly it isn’t.

My problem is that Iris didn’t investigate on it. If everything is saying there’s something wrong, then he should look into it at least. But he didn’t.

“However, everyone wanted to prove me wrong. So we came to an agreement that benefits all of us.” He said.

Clearly people who were talking to him left out the part about me destroying the system because he wasn’t too happy about that. What did Iris think I was going to do? Just be friendly to the core? Both of us got played by the defense department. Why am I not surprised?

“That’s great, Iris. That sounds perfect.” I didn’t care. “Now let me go.”

“I can’t. In exchange, I would drop your charges and ask you to take your position as Commander.” He said.

Well there it is. Finally I hear it come out of someone else’s mouth.

“Well, force is the word they wanted me to use. But it’s more of like you can’t back out of the offer.” Iris explained as he walked around a bit.

Iris actually was giving them something they all collectively wanted.

I started to laugh. Like really laugh. This was a great joke. I’ve never heard anything funnier actually. It was hard to stop laughing. I made sure they knew that I thought what Iris said was a joke.

“No.” I said without hesitation. “I’d rather get thrown in jail.” I’m surprised people thought this was a good thing to follow Iris for. “There’s no way I’m coming back to do a job I purposely left because I didn’t want to do it.” I explained myself after ignoring the other comments.

“It’s not up for negotiation.”

He’s right. It’s not up for negotiation. I’m not accepting the offer and I don’t think he can change my mind.

“Don’t drop my charges. I’m fine with a trial. You can uncuff me now.” I already gave him an answer. I’m done.

I can’t come back. I can’t do this again. The whole leading multiple armies, being responsible for so many people, having to figure out ways out for so many situations. I just finished doing that with the rebellion. I can’t do this for life. I’m tired and my health is not good anymore.

I really can’t.

“Aurora-”

“Stop.” I cut Iris off. “I made up my mind the second I resigned the first time.” I told him.

“You’re prepared to spend life in prison?”

It’s not like I wanted to choose that. It’s not like I will willingly go. No one wants to go to jail. No one wants to get their rights taken from them. But I can’t do this job either. I will break. After everything I’ve been through, I’m more concerned with time off to focus on myself.

“It’s better than suffering here.” I looked away.

I’m just so tired.

“We need you here. Don’t tell me you’d give everything up because of the offer I’m giving you.” Iris actually seemed hurt that I was going to continue rejecting him.

I’m hurt that he wouldn’t respect me enough to leave me alone.

No one does.

I’m not sure if this is right for me.

If I had known that Iris was going to make me choose between a job I despise and losing my life, I probably wouldn’t have done anything to escalate the situation. Iris just let everything run its course to see what would happen. He got his answer the way he wanted.

I was hoping that after the rebellion was taken care of, I would be able to try and pretend that I don’t care, that I can worry for myself finally.

I guess that’s not how it’s going to be.

I have to settle.

I have to take the deal.

“Don’t drop anything from my record.” I said quietly.

“We can’t have leader of the rebellion and treason charges written on your-”

“You want me to be Commander, that’s one of my terms.” I looked up to him. “I get to keep both of my tablets and the modified settings.” I added to my conditions.

“Aurora, you’re asking for more than I can give...” When my expression changed, Iris had to rethink his answer.

“I also don’t care what you do about the system’s core, but I want my chip back." That was my third condition.

“To do what?”

“It’ll come in handy when you threaten me with something else I don’t want to give into.” That was my threat.

Sometimes, Iris can be sneaky. I’ve dealt with that enough when I worked with him. I’m just trying to protect myself. I also want him to feel the backlash of hiring a criminal for a high position. Again.

“Fine.” He finally said.

I tried to lift my hands but was caught by the cuffs. Someone needs to get these off me. I want to go home because I’m tired. This was a waste of time. If I knew I was going to end up giving in, I would’ve just not show up until I was supposed to be reinstated.

Iris came over to me to get the cuffs off my wrists​. I had to admit he got me. But I made my conditions and he will abide by them. I rubbed my left wrist as I stood up. I’ll have to see him again next week.

There was just so much resentment and anger building up in me but it didn’t take long for it to go away. I just... don’t know what to do about anything anymore.

I left the room without another word. There were five others waiting for me outside of the room. I haven’t seen them since early this morning. I know they’re here because Iris wanted to have a friendly chat with them as well. Seems like everyone is getting in trouble today. Considering everything that has happened, Iris is being lenient.

Today was a wild day.

I turned to face the five of them and tried to control whatever it was that was about to happen. Instead of feeling like yelling or shouting, I just felt...calm. It’s not like I wasn’t mad.

But I guess I’ve reached that point where nothing I say will get through to them.

That’s not their fault. They’re trained to assess situations they’re put in and find the right solution. They didn’t like Janus so they manipulated the situation the best way they knew how. I would’ve done the same thing. I shouldn’t expect any less.

“You went behind my back, you lied to me, you put me at more risk than I already did myself.” I said to them. “You don’t respect me and you don’t listen to me.” I also had to add because it was true.

Yet again, the anger dissipated.

I wasn’t mad. Well, I was, but not at the fact that they did what they wanted in their best interest. I remember when what was in their best interest was also mine as well. I’m just mad they didn’t tell me. I’m mad they kept it a secret.

I’m mad that I was tormented with bits and pieces of the truth. I’m mad that it took me so long to figure it out.

And sure I would’ve fought them, told them to back off on their demands, made them give up although they wouldn’t have despite my best efforts. I just wanted them to tell me.

I wasn’t mad.

I couldn’t be.

They just wanted me to stay around.

“I’ll see you next week.” I said quietly and turned away.

This is where people think I belong. There’s nothing worse than having others decide what they think is best for me. Considering what I’ve dealt with, it’s probably better that some others took control. I was spiraling from being emotionally distraught. I was so distracted then I let it affect what was really important.

I wasn’t mad.

Just disappointed in myself.

If I wasn’t so stressed, if I didn’t give in to my anxiety, I would’ve saw this coming.

Now I can’t get out of it.

Maybe I shouldn’t think this is my fault but I actually can’t help it at this point. Was it the circumstances? Is that what I should blame this on?

What do I do now?

I walked out of the building to find a crowd of people watching a scene happen. There were police and people from the news around as well. I didn’t push my way through but I got a glimpse of what was going on.

Janus was just arrested.

Of course it’s a big deal when Commander and Head of Defense is arrested for charges against the system. It won’t take long before everyone knows about it. Now the public will know what was going on with the rebellion, why it escalated, and who to blame.

Unless Iris wants to keep that from the public. That will keep stress levels down and people compliant. I don’t expect more of the details to go out.

That should be another thing I leverage Iris with. I’m really going to be a threat with all the advantages I have now.

I walked passed the scene because I didn’t care enough. I have Janus’ position now so it doesn’t matter. This was being broadcasted everywhere for everyone to see. My tablet was vibrating from the new notifications; I didn’t have to see it.

I went to go see Phoebe. I was about to explode from my emotions. At first, I thought it wasn’t that much of a big deal but I felt the hole in my chest that made me uncomfortable. I had to tell her about it. If I don’t I think I will freak out.

I sat quietly in the room. The walls were dark purple and so were the pillows on the couches. That’s her favorite color. I was considering changing the settings on my tablet so she could see the truth, but I don’t like the white walls. I don’t like thinking I’m confined. So I kept to myself as I tried to adjust and get ready to tell her what just happened to me.

“How are you?” Phoebe asked, a small smile on her face. I guess she saw the news.

“I’m not okay.” I told her, shaking my head. “I’m Commander again.” I said sadly.

“Tell me about it.” She said.

I took a breath but I felt like I was going to cry. I was trying so hard to hold it back because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was so tired of always crying and losing my cool because of my anxiety.

“I don’t want this.” I couldn’t hold back the tears but I didn’t hide my face. “I’m tired of being relied on.”

“That’s not all of it.”

“I can’t handle the stress.” That made me feel worse.

I thought once the Rebellion was over I’d have my own time and everything would go back to normal. I would go back to my job, doing what I’m okay with doing, and having an easy day. I’m back to being Head of Defense, and now everyone is going to come to me about their issues. I don’t want this.

“Phoebe, I can’t.” I cried to her barely being able to breathe. “I’m just going to freak out worse.” I was afraid of hurting myself and getting sick.

I haven’t been doing so well with my health. I can’t believe this happened to me. I can’t believe this is what I’m dealing with again. I use to want this job but that I was before I cracked mentally. I can’t do this anymore.

“Aurora, you aren’t going through this alone.” Phoebe told me. “You have people you talk to, people you work with, family and friends that will understand what you’re going through.” She said.

It still feels like I’m being swallowed in all this anxiety. I’m drowning.

“You think I’m going to let you go through this alone?” She asked.

“No...”

“Exactly. You got through the hard part. Now it’s time for you to breathe and build your strength.” She said calmly.

I need to breathe.

“You can let it all out now. You’ve already finished what gave you a big part of your stress.” She said.

Well it doesn’t make me feel any better.

“Why don’t you want to give yourself credit?” She asked.

I did what I was supposed​ to, what everyone expected of me. Why should I get credit for doing the things I should?

I wanted to tell her what I was thinking but I couldn’t. My throat closed up and I didn’t have the words I wanted to say. This is terrible. Why do I feel so bad for myself. It’s not fair that I have to go through this.

“You risked your life to save so many people. If you can handle that, then I’m sure you can get your anxiety under control.” She had so much faith in me, the same amount of faith I used to have in myself.

I wiped my face with my sleeves and pulled my tablet out. I guess it’s time that I stop masking my profile. Human Resources will log me in as noncompliant for going through this again but I have to start somewhere. With my fake profile, everything was green. I was mentally healthy. That’s what I wanted. When I took the profile down, the numbers were bright red. My status immediately changed to mentally unstable.

It hasn’t changed that much but at least it wasn’t grey.

“Let’s talk about everything.” Phoebe said once the walls and lights turned white. “We have all day.” She said.

To go back to day one where all my problems began will make me go insane. Emotionally, I think I might snap. But Phoebe wants to hear all of it and now that I’m being watched, I had to tell her. For now, I was going to be compliant. I wanted to get better so I was determined to do everything I needed to so I could finally focus on something else.

My biggest problem was over, now I have to take care of the little things. And Phoebe thinks that should be easy for me.

That’s the only reason I didn’t freak out when we talked about what was going to be left for me to deal with.

I was with Phoebe for three and half hours. Usually, it’s just one hour or maybe thirty minutes. But I was with her for so long and I was a complete mess the entire time. I don’t know what’s with her and completely destroying the mental picture I have of myself. I know she doesn’t enjoy doing this to me but I want to know why she’s so good at it for. After the years I’ve known her, today has probably got to be worst session I’ve had.

But it was also better than all those other sessions I had.

I felt calmer. I also felt like there was nothing I couldn’t handle. That feeling might last for only a day or two but it was a start. At least I’m getting somewhere. Again.

I walked outside and took a deep breath. One day, I will blend in with everyone else. Until that day though, I’m just going to have to suck it up and deal with everything that’s happened. I looked up at the sky as walked; it’s been a while since it rained. The clouds were thick today, and I hoped for a downpour.

“Aurora!” Someone shouted my name behind me.

When I turned I saw Magnolia making her way over to me. Tobias held her hand like he always does. Today he had on a raincoat. I waved at them politely and smiled.

“What happened earlier today?” She asked as Tobias let go of her hand. “Everything shut down for a few moments.”

“That was my fault. Sorry about that.” I apologized. Her eyes widened when I said that. “I sort of reconstructed the societal system. They’re trying to fix it now, but...” It wasn’t going so well for them.

I still have most of the information on my tablet. It may be a couple hours, maybe even days, before I stop receiving everyone’s information. The processing on my tablet can only handle so much.

“How are you walking around after doing that?” She asked in shock.

“My charges were dropped since I was forced to be Head of Defense again.” I said casually.

“′Again?’” She didn’t seem to believe it.

I didn’t think it was that shocking but her awe came from a genuine place. I wanted to hold back my smile but I couldn’t help it. Sometimes it’s funny when people underestimate me.

“Yeah, again. I’m smarter than I look.” I teased her.

“But you’re so young.”

“Most of us are in our twenties so it’s not shocking for us, I promise.” I laughed. “How are your friends doing?” I asked.

“Well it seems like the problem is fixed so I haven’t heard any complaints.” She said and leaned a little closer. “I’m guessing the guy on the news was causing us trouble.” She whispered.

“That’s him.” I nodded. “Hopefully for the next few years we don’t have another problem like this, you know, unless I mess up.” I shrugged.

We’ll see what happens.

Tobias tugged on my pants so I would give him my attention. He had something he wanted to tell me; I got down to eye level with him so he could talk to me.

“Thank you.” He said.

“What did I do that you’re thankful for?”

“You fixed mommy’s phone.” He said and went in his pocket, pulling a phone out. “I have one, too.” He smiled as he showed me.

That’s right. His birthday was a couple days ago. He’s finally six.

“Make sure you don’t break that, okay. That’s how everyone will know who you are.” I told him.

“Okay,” he nodded as he opened his arms so he could hug me.

When he let go, he took Magnolia’s hand and waved at me with his other. Thank goodness he won’t remember any of this happening. I’m pretty sure Magnolia won’t mention it to him for years.

“I better not find you at the hospital, Aurora.” She warned me.

“I’m fine now.” I stood up. “I mean, I have it under control.” I corrected since I wasn’t technically fine.

“Take care of yourself.” She said as she began to walk away. I know she means well when she says it.

I should make time for myself. There’s no reason for me to continue to spiral out of control absolutely everyday. I say this now, but tomorrow I’ll be freaking out like nothing changed. I have a few days before everything is out of my control. Again.

For now I had nothing to do. I was going to take this time to not wallow in self pity and try to come up with a list that would be a bunch of pros to the situation. Phoebe says I should list things out and figure out if it’s good for me or not. I don’t believe in that, but I was going to do what she says since she knows a lot.

I stayed outside even when it began to rain.

I found a place to sit where I wouldn’t get wet. Everyone else had their umbrellas out as they walked. A bit of rain wasn’t going to stop the rain. I haven’t really immersed myself in nature in a while. The only time I remember enjoying it was the first year all of us made it down to the planet. Now I’m always inside. I should change that.

I could see someone take a seat next to me out of the corner of my eye. I sighed obnoxiously as I slouched in my seat. I can never get a break.

“It’s fucking great to see you, too.” Sirus said, being snarky because of my attitude.

“What do you want from me now? Don’t you have work to do?” I asked him. He was about to say no but I looked at him and he corrected himself. I know he’s not the type to do work when he doesn’t have to.

I can’t believe I have to deal with this again.

“What did you do to your hands?” I asked when I saw the bandages around his knuckles. For a second, I got worried. “You didn’t fight Alya, did you?”

“No-”

“Sirus!-”

“I said no.” he snapped. Well I don’t believe him. “This was someone else. Apparently my issue with Alya is already settled.” He told me, not too happy about it. I waited because I wanted to know what he did. “Rhea got involved.”

Of course.

“So you’re not actually sorry but you signed a statement that said you were.” I clarified since he didn’t do anything.

The situation got so bad that Rhea actually had to intervene. And sure, that’s her department’s job but I was hoping that Sirus was mature enough that he wouldn’t need someone else to handle what he won’t. He’s not one to apologize truthfully. Knowing how things went, he wasn’t sorry. If he had the chance to go back, he’d do it all over again.

“Lunar, Altair, and Alya are on probation-”

“And you?”

“You think Iris really wants to fire me?” he scoffed. I want to fire him. I’d do it, too. Threatening and shooting at another sector is a federal offense. The fact that Iris let him off without even a warning is beyond me.

“Whatever.” I turned away so I could stare at the rain.

“Are you still mad?” he groaned.

“Oh no. It hasn’t hit me yet.” I told him. “You won’t want to be around me when it does though.” I warned him. I have a feeling when it finally gets to me that I’m Commander again, I will lash out.

“It’s nothing I can’t handle.” he didn’t seem too bothered.

I will never understand how Sirus can get away with doing whatever he wants. I’ve faced a ton of backlash where he hasn’t. I have to do things I don’t want to do where he doesn’t. I don’t want to be Commander, but apparently because Sirus wants me to be, I have to be. And how did Iris really let him get away with his behavior? This is not fair. The only way I’d feel better is if I put him on the spot.

“How come you couldn’t tell me you didn’t want me to leave?” I looked at him, wanting a completely serious answer. “I mean, that’s not hard to say.”

“That’s funny coming from you considering how you blew up in tears when you didn’t want me to leave you.” he didn’t hesitate to bring that out there.

I had to take a moment to not want to get into an argument with him. Honestly, I was just hoping he would say something endearing or meaningful but I hope for too much all the damn time. I should really learn by now.

Should I ignore what he said?

Well he remembered so I guess that’s a good thing.

“You know, I was thinking about doing something with environmental science this time.” I said as I looked out to see the rain again. “I thought it would be interesting considering how I don’t have that much background in it. But because of you, I am stuck in this mess and can’t do anything else.” I said plainly.

Do I resent Sirus and everyone else for doing this to me? Of course not. I thought I did, but I don’t. However, for once in my life, I just want one decision that isn’t influenced by him. I want one decision that isn’t influenced by anyone’s dependence on me.

“If I can’t leave, neither can you.” he said, and I found that incredibly selfish. “Isn’t that what a relationship is all about?” he asked.

He wasn’t serious. I looked at him quickly when I heard what he said, but he wasn’t serious. By the smile on his face, I knew it was a terrible joke, and I honestly had nothing to come out of my mouth.

Except the horrible curses I thought of within that second.

“Fuck you, Sirus.” I said, a biting acid to my tone. He just laughed and that made it worse. “You’re always pulling that bullshit just to mess with me and I’m so tired of it.” I got up to yell at him. And I had a mouthful that I was going to make him sit through, but the more he smiled, the worse I felt and I knew he was just baiting me.

Fine.

He can have it his way for today.

“Oh come on-” he tried to take my hand so I would sit back down but I just about snapped.

“Don’t touch me!” I warned him. “You’re lucky you have a few days to get settled because I swear I will become your worst nightmare. Watch your back.” I said before storming off in complete anger.