Outside the Lines: A Novel

David had no idea where he was going, but he drove like hell to get there. For a couple of hours, he headed south for no particular reason. The southbound on-ramp was closer to their house, was all. He could just as easily have been approaching the Canadian border. Instead, he and Eden had just passed through Olympia. If he kept going at this rate, they would be in Portland before lunch. There were lots of artists in Portland. There were grants he could apply for. Art schools where he could teach. He could make a home for his daughter there.

He didn’t know why he’d woken Eden and asked her to come with him. All he knew was he couldn’t take another minute in that house. He stewed for hours after he flipped over the dining room table. Lydia had asked him calmly to clean up the mess and then she stepped carefully through the broken dishware, going up the stairs and into their bedroom. She refused to talk with him when he came to check on her. She acted like he wasn’t even in the room, detouring around him to go to the bathroom before climbing back in bed. Fine, he’d thought. You’re going to act like I’m not here, then I just won’t be here. Poof! Voilà! No more husband. After he was sure she was asleep, he packed his bag, then went downstairs to load as many of his paintings as he could into the backseat of his Honda.

He’d never gotten violent around Lydia before. It scared him that he had. Sure, he’d ranted and yelled and said a thousand things he regretted, but he never lost control. His rage was usually directed toward himself and his failings. Always inward. Now that it had escaped and decided its own path, he had to leave. He needed to protect his family.

Eden’s soft snoring over in the passenger seat made him think of a purring cat. Her head lolled toward the window and a tiny drip of saliva hung in the corner of her mouth. Trying not to wake her in the process, David reached over and wiped it with the edge of his sleeve. She stirred but didn’t open her eyes. He knew he’d never hurt his daughter. Maybe he brought her along to make sure he didn’t hurt anyone else. Eden was his inspiration. His reason to be the kind of man he knew he could be if he just could get a handle on the countless spinning tops in his brain. As long as she was with him, he could get himself together.

“Dad?” Eden spoke with her eyes still shut. “Where are we going?”

“Where do you want to go?”

She lifted her head and turned to look at him with sleepy eyes. “I don’t know.” Her stomach growled and she clapped both her hands over it and smiled. “Breakfast?”

“Sounds good,” David said. He had about five hundred bucks in his wallet—money Lydia had stashed in what she thought was her secret hiding spot in the back of their closet. She put it in a box of tampons, thinking he’d never look for it there. How little she understood about desperation.

It was just starting to get light outside. He pulled off at the next exit and drove directly into a Denny’s parking lot. Inside, they ordered orange juice and pancake breakfasts.

While they waited for their food, Eden fiddled with the container of sugar packets. She was unusually quiet.

“What’re you thinking, Bug?” David asked her. “There’s a big cloud hanging over your head. We’re supposed to be on an adventure. You can’t have rainclouds on an adventure. They aren’t allowed.” He reached over and chucked her chin playfully, but she only gave him a wan smile.

“Did you take your pills, Dad?” she asked. She dropped her eyes to her lap. “In the mornings, I mean, in front of Momma and me?”

David sat back in the booth and blew out a heavy breath between his lips. “For a little while I did.”

“For how long?”

“A week or so.” He paused. “Why?”

“Well, if you weren’t taking them, it wasn’t the pills that made you throw the dining room table. Like you said.” Her voice quavered but she lifted her gaze to his. He saw the fear in her eyes, but it was laced with determination.

“I didn’t throw the table, Eden.”

She shrugged, a minute gesture that screamed she didn’t believe him.

“The thing is, the medicine stays in your body a long time, you know?” David explained. He was willing to do anything to take that look off his daughter’s face. He was willing to lie. “So when I had that little bit of vodka, it mixed with the medicine and made me lose control like that. You see, honey? That’s what I meant when I said it was the medicine and not me.”

He could see the debate raging in her mind. Believe him, don’t believe him. She stared at him for what felt like a full minute before speaking. “You shouldn’t drink, then.” Her voice was solemn.

“You’re right.” He nodded vigorously. “You’re absolutely right. I won’t. I promise.” He thought about the flask he had inside his jacket pocket. He’d been sipping at it as he drove and he suddenly wanted nothing more than to down the entire contents.

He threw his gaze around the dining room. He was jittery and his eyes were wild—he felt it. The itch to escape ran like thousands of ants beneath his skin. He didn’t want to be doing this. Any of it. Why had he brought Eden with him? She would only slow him down. He tapped his foot on the ground in a staccato rhythm. The table shook.

“Daddy, are you okay?” Eden asked.

He took a deep breath. “I need to use the bathroom, Bug. You’ll be all right if I’m just gone a minute?”

She nodded. Just as he walked away, the server—a portly, grandmotherly type in a too-tight uniform—delivered their food. “Will you keep an eye on her?” David asked, gesturing toward Eden. “I’ll be right back. Just have to use the bathroom.”

“Sure,” the lady said, and sat down with Eden at the table. “It’s not busy. And I need to take a load off a minute anyway.”

“Thanks,” David said, and rushed off to the bathroom. Once he locked himself in the stall, he pulled out the flask, opened it, and let the liquid burn fire down his throat. He swallowed until there was nothing left. He would need to get more. Stepping out to stand in front of the sink, he stared at himself in the mirror. He didn’t recognize the reflection. Gaunt and tired. Broken capillaries around his nose and across his cheeks. He leaned forward, peering intently at his eyes. They were empty. His soul seemed to have vanished. Where had he gone, the man he had fooled himself into thinking he could be? He growled at the mirror, snarling and snapping at the enemy who took him away from his daughter. He wanted to smash his head against the wall to dislodge it. He wanted it to die.

“Are you okay in there, sir?” He heard a woman’s voice through the door. “Your daughter is finished with her breakfast and yours is getting cold.”

It took a moment for him to come back to himself. “I’ll be right there,” he said. He blinked several times and splashed cold water on his face before heading back out to the dining room. Eden rushed over to hug him.

“I was worried about you, Daddy,” she said. “You were gone so long.”

“I was?” he asked. “I’m sorry, baby. My stomach’s not feeling so hot.” He threw a twenty on the table and smiled at the server. “Thanks for watching her. I’m sorry for any inconvenience.”

The woman gave him a strange look. “No inconvenience. I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. You want me to box up your food for you for later?”

He shook his head. “No, thanks. We need to get on the road.”

“Which way you headed?” she asked.

“Portland. Going to visit family.” He put his arm around Eden’s shoulders. “Come on, honey. We need to get going.” He waved at the woman as they walked out the door. He could feel her watching them. Her eyes felt like daggers in his back.

“We have family in Portland?” Eden asked when they got into the car.

“I don’t know!” David snapped. “No!”

Eden went silent and turned her head to face out the window. Her shoulders began to shake.

David sighed as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Don’t cry, Eden. I’m sorry I snapped at you. I really don’t feel good. Don’t you get cranky when you don’t feel good?”

She didn’t answer.

“Eden. Listen to me. That server was giving me a really strange look. Like she thought I was doing something wrong. I needed to get out of there, okay? That’s why I said we have family in Portland. So she’d leave us alone. Do you understand?”

“I want to go home,” his daughter whispered.

“What?”

“I want to go home. I want to see Momma.” She turned to look at him with tears welling in her eyes.

“But we’re having an adventure, honey. Remember?”

“I don’t want to have an adventure!” she cried. “I want to go home. I want to see Mom!” She stamped her foot on the floorboard.

“Too bad!” David roared as he turned onto Interstate 5 heading south. “You can’t have her! She didn’t want you, you know! She never wanted to be a mother!” Even before David said the words, he wished he could take them back.

“That’s not true!” Eden screamed. “I don’t believe you! You’re a liar! You lied about taking your medicine and now you’re lying about this, too! I hate you! I wish you weren’t my dad!” She flung out her arm and hit him on his shoulder.

David pushed harder on the gas pedal and gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles went white. “Knock it off,” he growled. “Knock it off, now.”

“No!” Eden screamed. She began to pound on the window. “Help! I need help! Somebody help me!”

“Eden! Stop it! Stop it right now!” David swerved into the far left lane. When the speedometer hit eighty, the console began to rattle. “You’re going to make me get in an accident, honey.” He tried to make his voice remain calm.

She didn’t answer again but continued to let loose huge sobs that sent shudders through her entire body with every intake of breath. He drove faster, hating that he was doing this to her. He shouldn’t have brought her. He should have taken all those pills instead of dumping them out and been done with it. Then the only person he would have hurt would’ve been himself.

They had been back on the road about half an hour when the flash of red and blue lights caught David’s eye in the rearview mirror. He was still speeding. The patrol car gained on him quickly and he heard the megaphone instructing him to pull over to the shoulder. He complied, taking deep breaths to try to calm his adrenaline. “Please stop crying, Bug,” he implored his daughter. “I’m going to try to talk my way out of this. Let me do the talking, please.” She didn’t acknowledge him but did take a couple of deep breaths in what he hoped was an effort to slow her tears.

David rolled down his window and smiled at the policeman, a grim-looking man with a thin, black mustache. “What can I help you with, Officer?”

“Please step out of the car, sir.”

“Was I going too fast? It’s my little girl, here. She’s always telling me to make it go faster.”

“Sir, I’m not going to ask you again to get out of the car.”

“Aren’t you even going to ask for my license and registration?”

The policeman put his hand on the door handle and pulled. “I won’t ask again. Let’s not make a scene in front of your child.”

“I don’t understand—” David began to say, but the officer yanked the door open and grabbed him by the arm before he could finish his sentence. “Hey!”

“Daddy!” Eden cried. “Don’t hurt him! He didn’t mean to do anything wrong. He didn’t mean it!”

“It’s okay, sweetie,” David said as the officer guided him to the back of the car. “I’m right here. Everything’s going to be okay.” He glared at the officer. “You’re scaring my little girl.”

“According to her, you’re the one who’s scaring her, sir.” The officer pulled out David’s wallet and reviewed his license.

“That’s ridiculous. Eden’s just having a tough time being away from her mother for the first time. She’s homesick.”

“Did the child’s mother know you were taking her daughter?”

“She’s not just ‘her’ daughter,” David spat. “She’s mine, too. My sperm, my daughter.”

The policeman was not impressed. “You didn’t answer the question, sir. Did the mother know you were taking your child away?”

“Of course she did! This is unbelievable. I knew they’d come for me. I knew they’d find me and take her from me. Don’t you see?” David pled. Do anything , his brain told him. Say anything. You have to get away. “Don’t you see they’re after me? I had to protect Eden. She’s my daughter. I needed to keep her safe!”

The officer leaned in and sniffed near David’s face. “Have you been drinking, sir?”

“It’s barely light out! Of course not!”

“I’m going to have to ask you to accompany me to the squad car, Mr. West.”

David took a step away. “I will not. My daughter is in the car. I can’t leave her alone.”

“You left her alone in the restaurant. Didn’t you, Mr. West? She was so afraid she told the waitress her mother’s phone number. Your wife is frantic. Now, let’s get you into the car so Eden doesn’t have to be exposed to anything else that’s going to hurt her.”

David was speechless. She’d turned on him. He thought Eden was his shining star, but she was just like all the rest. Lydia. The doctors. The ones who betrayed him. He stared at his daughter through the rear window. She was turned in her seat, watching him with wide eyes. He looked back to the officer. “What about my paintings? They’re in the back of the car.”

“Don’t worry about that right now. Let’s worry about getting Eden back home to her mother.” Just then, the officer made the mistake of glancing away from David for a moment as another squad car pulled up. David took the opportunity to swing his arm around and strike the man square in the jaw. The other officer jumped out of the car and ran toward them. David raced around to grab his paintings from the back of the car.

“Daddy, I’m sorry,” Eden said when he leaned inside. She was crying again. Her eyes were red and her nose was runny. “I didn’t know what to do. I was scared and I just wanted to go home!”

He didn’t answer her. Just as he was putting his hands on one of the larger canvases, he felt the gun at the back of his neck. “Back out of the car, now!” It was a female officer, he realized. He wondered if he could hit a woman. But before he could think about it too long, he felt the strong yank of a man’s grip pulling him out of the car and throwing him facedown on the ground. The male officer had straddled his back and was putting handcuffs on him.

“You’re under arrest for driving while intoxicated and assaulting an officer,” he said through gritted teeth. “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.” He finished telling David his rights as he jerked him upright and led him toward the squad car. The female officer helped Eden get out of the car.

David heard her soothe his daughter. “It’s okay. Everything’s going to be all right.”

Eden kept her eyes locked on David as he climbed inside the patrol car. She clutched her backpack to her chest. “I’m sorry, Daddy!” she cried before the male officer shut the door to take David away. “Daddy! Please!”

David didn’t say a word. He stared hard at his child, watching her sob and shake on the side of the road, wondering if, after this, he’d ever want to see her again.