Numbers

I was there when it happened. I was there as my staff lined the bodies down the halls. I was there as they injected them one by one. I was there as the bodies fell immediately dead. And I was there as my staff stacked the bodies onto carts and wheeled them away to burn. I was there yet I could do nothing to stop it. I was the overseer, the boss of this handful of people, yet if I did one thing to stop it we would all be killed. So I stayed silent and watched hundreds of people die.

That night, when I finally got home, I felt cold. Distant. I didn’t feel human anymore, I felt hollow. I took my shower, as per usual; I sat down on my couch. But I didn’t pick up the remote; I didn’t curl up and go to sleep. I couldn’t allow myself to close my eyes because I knew what I was going to see. In my mind’s eye I relived the day over and over again. My staff injecting because otherwise they would lose their lives instead of the monsters before them. I saw the bodies, one right after the other falling, lying still on the cold tile floor. I sat on my couch and knew I could’ve done nothing. I sat on my couch and cursed Julianne, cursed science, and cursed myself. There should have been something I could have done to stop this, there should have been. I continued to feel hollow until I walked into my lab the next day drowsy with lack of sleep.

The six bodies who had been allowed to live stood in a line before Julianne and Tony. My two supervisors stood contemplating, contemplating what I couldn’t bring myself to care at that moment. But that’s not what gave me pause, what gave me pause was the fact that I saw no familiar faces in my lab. Scientist populated my lab and they all seemed rather busy. Some recorded information, others imported data into various computers, but I didn’t know one name. I didn’t even see Irene scampering about.

I looked from station to station but only unfamiliar faces peered back at me. “What is this,” I asked, fearful of the emotionless answer that was sure to follow.

“Your new staff,” said Tony happily examining 24601, who had restraints about her wrists and ankles.

“I told you I would take care of everything,” Julianne said in a hard tone.

My jaw dropped, I never thought they would take that step. They couldn’t take that step, could they? Not what we had done all that they asked! I refused to believe it, I refused to believe that even Julianne would stoop so low. Not for people that had done everything that was asked of them. Everything that was asked, it didn’t matter if it was murder or science we had done it…and it still wasn’t enough to save their lives!

I shook my head, “Why? We did all that you asked! Every single thing!”

Julianne turned and regarded me with her stone cold eyes, “They had seen too much.”

“These are people you’re talking about! Not just experiments that you had me whip up for your own enjoyment! You’re talking about people with families and loved ones! Someone is bound to notice that they have gone missing if nothing else!”

She cocked an eyebrow as she regarded me coolly, “You would be a fool to think that would stop us.”

I looked away as the blood drained from my face. I couldn’t bring myself to hold her gaze; I couldn’t look her in the eye knowing what she had done. Then my eyes found Paul. He was looking at me; I could see some sort of emotion sparkle there. I wasn’t blame or anger but it was…hope? What could he possibly hope for? And for that matter why was he looking at me with hope in his eyes, if hope it truly was? My breath caught at the sight, I don’t understand why but something in me began to hope with him. I knew it was hopeless yet I could help my spirits lifting under his gaze.

Julianne didn’t seem to notice anything, she turned away from me and nodded to herself, “I believe it is time to begin.”

Tony nodded his agreement, “Time for Phase two.”

Phases. They had phases and I was just now hearing about it. But of course, every bad horror film that buzzed with evil scientist had phases. If anything it felt like a very bad cliché. Yet somehow I doubted the good guys were about to break into the secret government lab and kill the bad guys. Move over, I realized I was one of the bad guys. I had a bad feeling and I forced myself back to reality. I had been a part of “phase one”- I had made the first injection that awoke the first body, I covered up my supervisors experiments, and I gave the order to kill the other bodies. I wasn’t looking forward to phase two, whatever it might be. Julianne turned to my new staff, “Prepare the surgery rooms.”

Suddenly the room exploded into more motion then it had had since I walked into the room. People ran about, ran out the door or opened various files to write more notes that I could only speculate about. Then Julianne turned to me, “You will go back to isolating DNA,” she smiled, she reminded me of a rapid wolf when she did that, “It’s what you do best after all.”

A cold chill raced up my spin, “What am I looking for?”

Julianne shrugged as she walked away, calling, “Anything that would improve the human body,” Tony scurried close behind her.

As they left, I stood before the bodies while everyone else bustled around me. I looked back at Paul pleading for there to be another way. I startled wishing that he had been killed with so many others- I stopped that thought quickly. Paul met my gaze; his glazed eyes met my brown ones. He reached out his hand and without thinking I took it. The lab became very quiet, but I hardly noticed. Paul gave my hand a reassuring squeeze; it made me laugh while he almost smiled.

I didn’t care that all the activity in the room had suddenly stopped, dead. I didn’t care that I was standing in the middle of my lab holding the hand of a man who was supposed to be dead. I didn’t care that I smiled at a dead face as though I was looking at a friend. I was looking at a friend, it’s just no one wanted to realize it. Reluctantly I let go of his hand, still smiling, and I walked back to my desk. Cynthia watched me as I walked; her eyes no longer glared but were wide with shock.

The surgeries started that day and I wasn’t allowed to observe. Instead I stayed at my station trying to improve the impossible. Most of the time bodies stayed in their rooms, after all doctors couldn’t operate all day, but every few days another body would be escorted to the operating room.

I watched it happen. This time I had no control at all as to what happened to the bodies. I isolated various genes, injected the bodies many times, but nothing seemed to happen that was visible. It wasn’t long before this procedure just became mechanical, something I did without thinking, I didn’t isolate the genes to make a break through. I isolated the genes to keep an eye on the operations. Yet body after body returned from the operating rooms visibly different and I was still no closer to figuring out what was happening in those rooms then on the first day that they started. It wasn’t long before guards appeared to escort the bodies to and from the operation rooms. Two rather large guards, not always the same two, would come in the morning and take a body. Then two others would bring the same body back, somehow different.

476 appeared back at the lab almost half a foot taller with a grim expression on his face. An expression! His mouth was set thin and his jaw appeared clinched and his eyes were glaring. That was the most expression I had ever seen on any of the bodies besides Cynthia. I watched him walk to the hallway from my station; I couldn’t help but gape as he passed me. I was the only one in the lab that seemed to notice anything different.

A few days later another body was wheeled through the lab screaming so loud I thought the windows were going to shatter. It thrashed about against its restraints making the gurney it was on rock back and forth as the guards continued to wheel it onward. I thought something had surely gone wrong. Surely they would now stop the surgeries and come to the conclusion that there was nothing else for them to do. But they didn’t stop, the surgeries continued.

I saw Paul return from an operation; at least I assumed it was Paul. His skin no longer had a sickly blue hue, his sparkling green eyes were no longer glazed, and he smiled warmly at me. Two guards also escorted him, but nothing was different but his eyes and skin. No extra limbs or height, nothing to suggest that a few months ago he had been dead. I thought I was going to lose it.

“I’ll take him back,” I heard myself saying to the two guards on either side of Paul, “I have to draw blood anyway,” I quickly covered.

They nodded and left the lab; I sighed with relief as I watched them go. Then turned to Paul, “Paul,” I asked, hating the fact that it sounded more like a squeak. I didn’t know what I would do if he didn’t respond.

He nodded, rolling up his sleeve, “You needed blood?”

I rolled my eyes, relief freshly renewed, “No…I just said that to get those guys to leave.”

He looked at me quizzically, “I thought it was your lab.”

“It is, it’s just…complicated. Very complicated.”

Paul nodded, rolling his sleeve back down, that’s when I noticed his clothes. I had been too occupied with his eyes that always seemed to hold my gaze that I had completely missed his new wardrobe. Instead of his white gown he now wore a white button down shirt and dark pants, he even had on shoes.

“What happened to you,” I wasn’t sure which aspect I meant.

Paul smiled, stopping my heart, “Your injection.”

“Okay you’re going to have to be more specific.”

“I woke up like this. I was you.”

I tried to think back. A day ago I had injected combination of DNA that wasn’t supposed to do anything into all of the bodies…obviously I had miscalculated somewhere. I looked up at him, his smiling gaze still turned on me, I nodded, “Oh right…that one.”

At that moment I didn’t feel like a doctor- I didn’t feel as if I had spend years in college pouring over books- in front of Paul I felt like a teenager all over again. He laughed, “I think you should take me back to my room, Doctor.”

“Olivia,” I blurted before I could stop myself, as soon as the word was out of my mouth I clamped it shut.

Paul looked at me curiously, “Olivia,” he asked, “Who’s Olivia?”

I started it, I remember thinking, I may as well finish it. “Me. My name’s Olivia. You don’t need to keep calling me doctor.”

“Olivia,” he said, testing the name on his tongue as he slowly nodded his head, “I like it. Maybe I should’ve asked you for a name earlier.”

Something in me wanted to laugh, or maybe it was cry. Whatever it was I forced myself to do nothing but smile, “I really should get you back.”

I led him to the door which opened to the long white hallway. I dialed my code and it slid open in the same old, smooth fashion. The hall was quiet- which was becoming less and less common since Cynthia awoke- and I led Paul down the hall in silence. It wasn’t until we stopped in front of his door that Paul said something, “You need to speak to Cynthia.”

I paused, my hand not yet to the dial pad, “I can’t.”

I felt his hand on my shoulder, “You have to.”

I turned to look at him; he stood close by my side looking at me intently with his clear green eyes. He wore no smile now, only a look of concern. I nodded, “Alright…what am I supposed to say?”

“What were you supposed to say to me?” he smiled, “I don’t think you had much of a plan then either.”

I felt my check grow hot, quickly turning back to the dial pad I entered my second code. The buzz sounded off the white walls, Paul stepped forward without my order. “Paul,” I murmured.

I wasn’t sure he heard me until he turned around. I wet my lips, “How do I apologize?”

“I don’t underst-“

“Yes you do,” I snapped, I flinched as my voice echoed off the walls, “How do I apologize?”

He looked at me for a long time before answering, “I think she’ll know…even if you don’t say anything,” then he reached out and gently closed his door. It buzzed as it locked.

He stood there for a while afterwards meeting my eyes. I was the first to look away. As I walked down the hall I couldn’t help but think he had looked into my soul and forgiven me everything. The only problem was I wasn’t sure. I went back to my lab dreading my next late night conversation- not with Paul but with Cynthia.

I’m not certain why the walk down the white hall seemed longer then it usually did. I could have been because I just didn’t know what to say, or it could have been because I didn’t want to talk to this body. When I came to Cynthia’s door I had to make myself type in my code into the dial pad, I had to keep myself from flinching as the door slide smoothly open.

Cynthia jumped up quicker then I had seen a body move. She sat bolt upright, twisting to peer over at me, she panted- startled. I raised both hands to show I had nothing, I meant her no harm. It didn’t help to make her less tense, it didn’t stop her now clear eyes from staring at me.

“I just came to talk, I won’t harm you ma’am.”

Cynthia gave a curt nodded, “Right,” she murmured through tight lips.

“Paul told me to come.”

That gave her pause. Her tense muscles gave a start at the name, “you know our names?”

I shrugged, feeling as if I was getting somewhere, “Yours and his, I haven’t gotten to the other four yet,” I tried to smile but she didn’t return it.

“I remember you,” Cynthia began slowly; “You were there that first day…it was you that was ordered to kill all those people!”

This time I couldn’t keep myself from flinching; I looked away from her gaze and felt the blood drain from my face. “I knew this was a bed idea,” I heard myself murmur, “I’m sorry I disturbed you,” I turned to go.

“Why did you come here?”

I looked back at her, “I told you why.”

“Right,” Cynthia snapped, “So I’m supposed to believe that you do what we ask you to? You people don’t believe we are even human!”

“Not all of us,” I snapped before I could stop myself, “Not all of us think so ill of you, ma’am. Not all of us are what you think we are.”

I saw Cynthia’s eyes grow wide as my voice grew steadily louder. I didn’t care, she had to know. “Call me a monster all you want,” I continued stepping closer to her, eyes glaring, “But don’t talk about people you’ve never even seen! My team…they were not monsters; they didn’t deserve to be killed! They only did what they were told! Do you know why they were killed, Cynthia? Do you?”

I had backed her against the wall; I couldn’t bring myself to care. I hated that I was yelling, I hated Julianne for giving the orders. I hated the faces of my old staff that flashed before my eyes. I hated the shaking of my voice and the tears that stung my eyes and wet my cheeks as I continued. “They knew too much! They didn’t do anything wrong, they only did their job!”

My knees buckled sending me weeping to the floor. My hands shook, my breath came out as rasping sobs, but I only noticed the faces- those damn eager faces as they came in for interviews. As they were given lab coats, as they set about their research. Face after smiling face filled my mind, only making me weep harder. I didn’t see her move, but she must have. One minute I wept into my hands and the next I was leaning against Cynthia weeping into her white dress. I felt her stroke my hair, I heard her reassuring murmurs as I sobbed, I even realized we were hugging each other- holding each other up.

I’m not sure how long I stayed there- we stayed there- holding each other up. It felt like hours, it might have been minutes, but when I slowly pulled away from Cynthia’s white dress, it was soaked with my tears. My eyes still felt red and puffy and I hiccupped as I tried to catch my breath. Cynthia kept her hands gently on my shoulders, as if she was afraid I might collapse any second.

“I didn’t know,” she slowly whispered.

“Why would you,” I whispered shakily back, trying to wipe away the remaining tears with the back of my hand, “I shouldn’t have yelled.”

I shrugged out of her hands and got onto my unsteady feet as quickly as I could. Cynthia followed suit. “That doesn’t matter, Doctor,” Cynthia insisted, “You should be angry at what happened- you should get angry at the people who did this!”

I shook my head, “you don’t understand. I did this…I made the injection that awoke you. I might not have had a large hand in any of the others but I did that. And I can’t take it back…no matter how much I may want to.”

Cynthia froze, staring at me as I stared at her. She slowly squared her shoulders and took a deep breath, “Many people wouldn’t think about this as you do.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Many people might see glory,” she said slowly, “where you see horror and sadness…you’re not like the rest of them.”

That gave me pause. Glory? I had never thought about these bodies as a way to give myself glory. I had tried to convince myself that this was for the ‘greater good’ but never glory. “I came into this hoping to help people,” I said calmly, “And in doing so I created inhumane beings, things that shouldn’t be alive. There is no glory in that, ma’am.”

We stood there for several minutes just staring at each other. I didn’t know how to press onward, I didn’t even know if it was possible to have a normal conversation anymore. But I wasn’t the one to break the silence, “You have to leave.”

I nodded, “I’ll go.”

“No, you don’t understand,” she said lunging for my sleeve, “You have to leave the lab before they get you too.”

“I can’t…I’m not going anywhere while P- while that are bodies still alive back here. I can’t leave you to them.”

“Do you really think it’s going to stop,” Cynthia snapped, “Do you really think these experimental operations are going to be the end of it? There are always going to be tests, there are always going to be hypotheses, and there is nothing you can do to stop it!”

“I can always try!”

“Then you’ll only end up like your staff,” she shot back, “You can only leave.”

I shook my head, “I have always taken the cowards way out…not this time.”

Cynthia’s shoulders slumped and she let out a long breath. Her fingers slackened releasing my sleeve reluctantly, “I will hate to hear of your death,” she murmured sadly.

I walked back through the white hallway. I had made my decision, I had all but promised to stay. I had all but promised to die. Strangely enough I didn’t feel anything- I wasn’t afraid at the concept of dying, I was determined.

I closed the door to the hallway behind me then quickly gathered my things at my station. Then the lights turned on. I jumped and whipped around. Standing in the doorway was Julianne, looking as pristine as ever, but her beady eyes were set in a glare. I gulped.

“What are you still doing here,” she calmly demanded, yet before I could answer she pressed on, “I’ve been watching you. Every few days you stay late, every few days you go into the hall- did you think we don’t have cameras?”

I sighed, I knew about them- how could I not- but I never thought about Julianne watching. I always expected a guard who would assume I was doing some sort of late night experiment. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, “I knew about the cameras.”

“I would have you know, that unrecorded experiments are highly unethical and severally frowned upon.”

My eyes snapped open and I regarded Julianne with a glare, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Julianne nodded, “Good night, Doctor.”

I could almost hear her smirk as she left down the hall to her office.