Not My Problem

For the second time that day I turned around and left my house. I choked back more tears, feeling like I had enough to drown myself with. I couldn’t fix things with Holly. I couldn’t help my mother, not tonight. But there was something left. Something I could fix, someone I could help. Or I could at least try.

“Thank you for meeting me,” I said.

Kavi was stony-faced and he sat back on the bench in the balcony. I listened to the sounds of the school basketball team practicing below. Then I realized I had to say the actual words.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

He looked at me.

“Okay, you want more.”

His face very clearly said duh.

“You were right. I was not treating you like my friend even though you’ve been the best, most attentive friend I’ve had in years. I think I resisted it because I feel like I don’t deserve a good friend like you.”

He opened his mouth to interrupt but I didn’t let him.

“And I’m not saying that so you feel sorry for me or forgive me because I’m pathetic or whatever, I’m only saying it because I want to let you in. You aren’t going to do all the talking anymore.”

Kavi stood and then wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into one of his hugs. I squeezed him back and he kissed me on the top of my head.

“Is that it?” I asked when we broke apart. “I really thought you were going to make me work harder for it.”

“Why would I punish you?” he said, bemused. “I know you mean it.”

I loved him for being like that and I promised myself I would never, ever take advantage of it again.

“Okay,” I said, clapping my hands together. “We need to do something about Meabh.”

“Agreed.” Kavi nodded quickly. “That debate was terrible. Do you think she knows it was terrible?”

“I think she knows people weren’t responding to her the same way they responded to Holly, but I’d hazard a guess she thinks that’s their fault.”

“Is she right?”

“In an ideal world, people would pick her because she’s the best. This is not that world and she needs to start realizing it now.”

“Are we going to tell her that now?” he said uncertainly.

“Dear God, man, are you wise? She’s at a breaking point. She might stab us both and eat our bones and bathe in our blood. That’s an awkward conversation for another day. I have a different, probably doomed plan for right now, but I don’t know how we’ll get it all done ourselves.”

“Tell me what it is and we’ll figure it out.”

It wasn’t revolutionary and it wasn’t a trick or a scheme with any kind of guaranteed success. It was good old-fashioned door-to-door canvassing.

In January.

In the rain.

On foot.

With no materials.

Or addresses.

Instead of walking downstairs and running out of the hall without looking back, Kavi looked thoughtful.

“I think we can do it,” he said. “But I don’t think we can do it alone.”

“You’re right, we can’t do it alone,” I said. “But I know some people we can call.”

“I didn’t know you helped that girl,” Kavi whispered to me, pointing at Laura behind the palm of his hand.

“Yeah, so?”

“She’s belly shot girl.”

I snorted. Some choir girl!

The group were watching us expectantly.

“I hope there’s a good reason I’m hanging out with a bunch of fourth years.” Angela tossed her hair over her shoulder. The assembled party gazed back at her with a tinge of awe. “Oh, I know you. You did that video. It was funny actually. Fair play.”

Dylan blushed.

I stood up and twisted my fingers. Why was I so nervous about this? The worst that could happen was they said no.

“I want you all to know that you’re not obligated,” I said. “You can all leave if that’s what you want. I’m not blackmailing you or anything. There’s no consequences for saying no. I won’t use it against you. You are all entirely paid up. You don’t owe—”

“Oh, for God’s sake, spit it out!” Angela groaned.

“We need your help,” Kavi said. Like the words weren’t buried deep down, weighted with anchors, too heavy to float out into the air.

Laura, Orla, Dylan, Daniel Something, and even Angela waited for more. They didn’t protest or run out of the room.

“Okay,” I said slowly, feeling like I was walking into a trap for some reason. “The election is tomorrow. You all saw what happened this afternoon. I want to help Meabh Kowalska win the election and I want to go out tonight and knock on doors and tell people about the good things she’ll do and why they should vote for her.”

I held my breath for the rejection.

“And you want us to go too?” Laura asked. I tried to find the indignation in her tone, but she sounded like she wasn’t sure what I was asking.

“Well, yes. If you want to.”

“Yeah, definitely. She did the worst Scottish accent in history for me.” Daniel grinned.

“She changed my tire,” Angela said thoughtfully, “and I find her hilarious. Did you see that video of her with the coffee cup? She’s an icon.”

“I changed your—” Kavi started, but I elbowed him. Meabh helped. That counted.

“She helped me—” Orla started.

“Uh, let’s maybe not say what she helped you with,” I interrupted quickly. Orla grinned.

My heart swelled seeing all these people talk about Meabh so positively. Even after the cup incident. I wished she could have heard it.

“I’m on board,” Dylan said. “I was going to vote for her anyway. Holly is full of shit.” Then he glanced at me. “Aren’t you her BFF or whatever though? Why are you doing this? Did she ask you to throw the election for her or something? I knew she didn’t really want to be president.”

“No,” I replied. “Nothing like that. I think Meabh deserves to win. That’s all.”

“Definitely makes a stronger point than a letter,” Angela said, raising one eyebrow. Then she held up her hands. “No judgment.”

“Anyway,” I said loudly. “We need you guys to come out and canvass with us. But to do that we need the home addresses of all the senior cycle students. Fourth years and up.”

Daniel’s head popped up from his phone and he saluted. “On it.”

“Hitting all those houses is going to take a lot more than just us. Laura, do you think you can rope your choir into it?”

She thought about it. “Most of them maybe. My dad’s pharmacy sponsored our robes this year, so I could guilt them into it.”

“Whatever it takes.”

“We need to print off a ton of flyers with the main points on them.” I looked at Orla, who nodded. “On recycled paper,” I added apologetically.

“We have some in the office,” she said.

“What about me?” Dylan asked.

“You’re my star recruit. You’re the most likable fella in school right now. You’re the celebrity endorsement.”

Angela snorted. I figured her eighteen thousand Instagram followers would have an issue with that.

“Let. Me. Guess,” Angela drawled. “You want me to be your chauffeur?”

“Not at all,” I said, hand to heart. “I’m shocked you would think that.”

She raised an eyebrow.

“I want you to let me drive so we all make it through the evening alive,” I continued.

Angela gave me a death stare.

“I’m kidding. Sort of. I was hoping you could do some live stories for us on your social media?”

She narrowed her eyes at me, fully aware that although I might genuinely want her support on social media, I also really didn’t want her to drive but I still needed her car. I held my breath.

“Yeah, go on, then.”

Meabh’s house made me nervous. Standing on her doorstep and ringing the bell put me right back at being seven years old with my not good enough diorama, and I prayed that her dad wouldn’t answer. Did he stay at school late?

Meabh’s face was furious when she saw me on her doorstep. It was the face I was afraid of.

“Can I come in, please?” I asked, meek as I could manage.

She said nothing but stepped back and led me upstairs. It was weirdly reminiscent of earlier, with Holly. Though that felt like a million years ago. I followed her and she opened the door to her room.

There was a framed photo of Hillary Clinton on the wall and papers all over the desk and floor. I counted seven mugs of half-drunk tea or coffee dotted around the room. One wall was completely dedicated to what appeared to be a straight-up murder board. It was covered in different-colored index cards. I peered at them and realized they were her plans. The blue ones were headed by the title “Polish Language reform.” I skipped that. The green ones were predictably “The Green Initiative.” A lilac one read “A community school or a school for the community; introducing social and educational outreach.” When I looked at the papers spread around I realized they were largely made up of research papers and were highlighted within an inch of their life.

Meabh sat in her desk chair and waited.

“Not very environmentally friendly,” I joked.

She didn’t laugh.

Okay, now was not the time.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I ignored all your messages and that was so rude and I’m sorry and I was a terrible friend and it’s even worse because you know . . . well, you know.” I realized I’d accidentally acknowledged the possibility of something more between us and neither of us had really said that out loud. I suppose saying “you know” wasn’t exactly bursting into song and saying I love you but it was the closest I’d gotten to saying I think I might like you in a more than friend way and I think you might feel that way too on account of some moments we’ve had.

Meabh didn’t shout. She did something much worse. She burst into tears.

Not again.

“Why does no one ever like me?” she wailed. It was very dramatic and almost made me laugh.

“I do. I do like you,” I insisted. “I like you a lot.”

“No you don’t.”

“I do.”

“You don’t.”

“I do.”

“You think I’m annoying,” she said. “Everyone thinks I’m annoying.”

“Yeah. So? I still like you.”

“People were so mean. I think it was mostly joking . . . But they seemed to forget I am a human being, you know? They were making jokes about everything. Even my haircut, for God’s sake.”

“I like your hair,” I said, and I privately congratulated myself on being smooth with the ladies. I like your hair. That was going to go down in history as one of the great lines.

She looked at me again and smiled. It was a shy sort of smile. I wanted to feel that smile under my lips.

“Your ideas were really good today,” I said. “You’d be a good dictator.”

“You made them better,” she said. “I’d need you as an advisor.”

“What? Are you telling me that you aren’t perfect?!”

“Maaaybe.”

“Dictators are traditionally not open to a lot of input,” I said, feigning confusion.

“I’m sure they have private advisors.”

“No, they don’t.”

“Yeah, they do.”

“Doubt it.”

“Probably though.”

We both laughed. Meabh’s smile faded quickly.

“I’m still kind of mad at you.”

“I get that,” I said. “But I have a surprise for you. Come downstairs.”

She followed me out of her house. The car was parked just outside her front door.

Angela was already filming a live video. Orla had a box of flyers on her lap, Daniel Something was in the boot, and Laura was sitting on Kavi’s knee and he was spitting out stray wisps of blonde hair. He didn’t look upset about it. There was space for Meabh to squeeze in beside them. We probably wouldn’t die.

“What is going on?” she asked. I barely heard her because I was concentrating on how she’d taken my hand and was pulling me back into the hallway, out of sight of the car.

“We’re canvassing. We have over a hundred houses to hit so you’d best get your butt in the car.” I looked at her bare legs; she didn’t shave and I could see fuzzy hairs sticking up in the cold. “Well, maybe put some clothes on and then get your butt in the car.”

She blushed and looked down at her feet.

“Why are you doing this?” she asked.

“You know why,” I said.

“Because you like to help people?”

“Nah.”

“Because you believe in my platform?”

“God no,” I joked.

She smirked. “Why, then?”

“’Cause I fancy you. I’m hoping that if I go to all this effort you’ll look at me and think, Well, she might be a dumbass but she tries. And then, I dunno, maybe you’ll flash me or something.”

She laughed out loud at that. “That is not why.”

“It is,” I said earnestly. “I think you’ll flash me.”

“You do not.”

“I do.”

“You don’t.”

“I really do.”

“You—”

I cut her off with a kiss. I didn’t think about it, I just leaned in and held the back of her head gently. Her lips parted and she kissed me back. My other hand wrapped around her waist and I pulled her close so I could feel the length of her body press against mine. The kiss deepened and I felt a sense of urgency. Like I’d been wanting to kiss her for so long that it had burst out of me and now I could barely control it.

A honk of the horn brought us back to reality, just as I was feeling the urge to throw her down on her own stairs and kick this thing up a notch. We were both breathless and caught by surprise. I’d expected something soft, quick, gentle. But I got heat. Of course I got heat. Meabh didn’t do anything without passion.

She looked at me, dumbfounded for a second and slightly glazed over. Then she shook herself and frowned.

“Did you kiss me to shut me up?”

“Yes, and if I’m going to do it again, I’m going to need to get a stepladder,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck.

“Or we could just do it lying down next time,” she said archly, and my heart sped up. In a single second I pictured one thousand different scenarios of me and Meabh kissing. Most of them involved the memory I had of her in her underwear.

“Come on,” Angela called out. “Are we doing this thing or what? People are waiting for my next update, you know.”

I squeezed Meabh’s hand, then let go, and walked out of the house toward the car.

“Jeez, Angela. Don’t be such a clam jam,” I muttered as I climbed into the driver’s seat again.

“I’m going to get some trousers,” Meabh said, waving sheepishly to everyone and pointing upstairs. At that moment, however, Mr. Kowalski appeared from the kitchen. For a second he looked alarmed at the assembled party in his driveway. Then as he looked closer and saw that we were all students from school, his alarm grew.

“What’s going on here?”

“Uh, we’re doing our civic duty, sir,” Kavi said. “We’re canvassing for Meabh tonight.”

He turned to the staircase, where Meabh stood looking back at him meekly.

Mr. Kowalski frowned. “Meabh, you don’t need to do this. The best person will win.”

It was clear from the adoration in his voice that he thought that was Meabh. And of course, she was his daughter, so why wouldn’t he think that. But it dawned on me from the way Meabh cringed that Mr. Kowalski was not a secret tyrant. He was something more complicated than that. He thought Meabh was perfect. And that was far too much for her to live up to. When I thought of her weird schedule I wondered suddenly if it wasn’t that Mr. Kowalski had forbidden Meabh from quitting anything, it was that Meabh had simply never been able to tell her dad that every new thing she picked up to impress him was another burden she had to carry. Giving something up had to be beyond her control. She couldn’t quit because that would make her a failure. And perfect girls don’t fail.

“I just want to know I did everything I could,” she said.

“Go on then, pumpkin.” He smiled indulgently. Then he peered in through the car window. “Aideen Cleary, do you even have a driving license?”

I pretended not to hear that and shouted to Meabh that we’d turn the car around and meet her at the end of the drive. I rolled up the window and reversed out of the drive as cautiously as I possibly could, Mr. Kowalski’s eyes burning holes in the back of my head the entire time.

Six hours later we’d hit 78 houses out of 119. Orla had arranged the addresses by Eircode so we would hit the most people with the least amount of wasted time. The choir had taken half the list and their own van to hit one side of town, though Laura stayed with us, announcing airily that she and Kavi would work together.

So for five hours we tumbled out of the car, walked up to doors in pairs and said our bit, then moved on to the next house until everyone in that area had been spoken to. Then we all piled back in the car and drove to the next most densely populated area. Some students were very confused about what we were doing. Some students promised to vote for Meabh without question, though I couldn’t tell if it was to get rid of us or not. Some said they were going to vote for Holly anyway. A few hadn’t even realized there was an election on. But others actually changed their mind. One house in particular stuck out to me.

“My name is Meabh Kowalska and I’m here to ask you to vote for me in tomorrow’s election.”

The boy shook his head. “Sorry. No offense but I’m voting for Holly.”

He tried to close the door but Meabh stuck her boot in the way. I bit my lip.

“Can I ask why that is?”

He shrugged.

“You must have a reason,” Meabh said impatiently.

He threw his hands up. “You’re mean.”

Meabh scoffed.

“Mean how exactly?”

“You shout at people all the time. It’s scary. You threw a cup at someone because they put it in the wrong bin.”

“Hey—” I started to tell him to shove his vote up his arse but Meabh put her hand on my arm.

“What do you care about, Justin?”

“Huh?”

“What do you care about more than anything else in the whole world?”

Slightly bewildered, he said, “My Switch.”

Meabh closed her eyes, gathering patience, and then opened them. “Okay. Justin. Imagine I walk into your house right now, up to your bedroom, and I find your Switch and I throw it out the window where it breaks and it can’t be repaired.”

He nodded. “Okay?”

“Now, how would you react? Would you be angry? Would you shout?”

He mumbled something affirmative.

Meabh was getting more annoyed. I thought about stepping in or trying to calm her down but fuck it, she was right. Maybe someday she’d have to learn to control her cup-throwing urges but it wasn’t my job to change her and apologizing for her would be telling her I didn’t like who she was.

“Now imagine it’s the last Switch. There are no more Switches. You can never again buy and sell cabbages in Animal Crossland. Wouldn’t you be furious?”

He squinted at her, taking it in. “Yeah, I guess I’d be pretty raging,” he admitted.

Meabh smiled her I just won an argument smile and the boy made a go-on gesture.

“All right. Tell me about the environment or whatever.”

At midnight a dad chased us off his drive and we realized we had to stop. We got in the car one last time and I drove everyone home. Angela told me to drive the car into school tomorrow and she’d get it then. Meabh cried again and thanked everyone. The girl had a lot of emotions. Kavi tackled her for a hug first, squeezing her so tight she coughed. Then everyone piled on at once. I got smushed by all the bodies but that was okay because I was so happy for Meabh to see that she could be herself and still find people who’d show up for her.

When we dropped Laura off she smiled at Kavi as she got off his lap and out of the car. “You have my number,” she said, leaning in through the window. He nodded, somewhat dumbfounded.

I wanted to leave Meabh off last and sneak up to her bedroom and have her give me a lecture about how to correctly get her off, but tonight was not the night. I needed to go home. I still had to look after my mother.