Mother Faker

One weekend with Liv all to myself didn’t even touch the surface of feeding my obsession. If anything, it fueled the fire. Monday morning, my back hurts, and it’s not just because I’m sleeping in the damn twin-size bed in what should be Addie’s nursery. It’s because I didn’t spend the night wrapped around Liv’s body.

But that’s only the start of a long list of things that go wrong on our first day back.

“Another shoe!” Liv screeches from her closet.

That’s it. I’m calling a family meeting tonight. I’ve had enough of these kids playing tricks on her.

The contractors Medusa approved are meeting me at the house this morning after everyone leaves for the day—I made sure Gavin asked Liv to come to the arena so she isn’t here for this meeting.

Still in my boxers, I head to the closet to help Liv look for her shoe. Halfway there, a brown ball of fur rushes past me. I’m not proud of the loud scream that rips from my throat as I jump so fucking high even Aiden would be proud. “What the fuck is that?”

Liv pops up and rushes to the closet door, but I block her exit as an animal bigger than a cat scurries to the other side of the room.

“That’s another thousand!” one of the twins hollers from the hallway.

Without taking my eyes off the creature, I whisper, “Go get me a bat.”

“What is it?” She grips my bicep hard but releases it quickly and backs into the closet again.

“No fucking idea.”

My voice is low, but the damn Shining Twins are apparently equipped with superior hearing, along with those damn big brains that make me squirm.

“We are going to be so rich,” one of them squeals.

The animal bolts to the corner, and just as Liv slips a bat into my hand, Huck throws the door open and bellows, “Don’t hurt Junior!”

Startled, the beast freezes and turns its black-ringed eyes on me.

A raccoon.

With a shoe wedged between its teeth, it rears back on its haunches and holds up its paws, almost like it’s surrendering. But then those beady little eyes narrow, and the shoe clatters to the floor as the thing fucking hisses.

Game on, motherfucker.

Striding toward it, I brandish the bat, swinging it back and forth like a gladiator. For good measure, I let out a roar. The kind the people in this house have told me I’m exceptionally good at uttering.

This raccoon is going down.

“Bossman!” Huck cries, suddenly appearing beside me.

Before he can get too close to the likely rabies-infected animal, I drop the bat and snatch him off the hardwood floor. He kicks his legs and pushes against me and the raccoon takes this as his opportunity to escape. It snaps up the shoe again and dashes into an air vent. The grate that had been pushed aside clatters to the floor as it darts past.

Smart little fucker.

“What the hell is going on in here?” Medusa barks.

With Huck still in my arms, I turn to face the music—otherwise known as the very angry moms. They’re all staring at me like I’m the one who fucking crawled into the vent after stealing Liv’s shoe.

I hold Finn in front of me since I’m dressed in nothing but boxers and every eye in this house is trained on me like I’m the problem here. “We have rodents.”

Medusa narrows her eyes. “That’s why we keep you in here. You’re not house trained yet.”

Liv nudges her. “Real rodents, Delia. Play nice.”

Medusa folds her arms over her chest. “That’s why he’s screaming? A little mouse scare you?”

“It’s not a mouse, Auntie Delia,” Huck sings. “It’s my pet.”

All attention immediately diverts to the three-foot-tall kid in my arms.

“Your what?” I ask, turning him so he’s forced to look at me.

Liv moves closer. “Finn, what did you do?”

Huck breaks out in a toothy grin. “Don’t worrys. I feed him just like Auntie Shayla showed me.”

We all whirl on Shayla.

She looks just as confused as the rest of us. “I never told him to feed a rat.”

“It’s not a rat,” Liv and I say at the same time.

“It’s my pet raccoon. Junior.” Finn beams, wrapping one arm around my neck.

Holy fuck. My stomach bottoms out. He has a pet raccoon. In the house.

“A raccoon!” Shayla shrieks, snatching Kai from her side and pushing him behind her. “We all need to get checked. Do you know what kind of diseases those things could carry?”

“My raccoons does not have dismiseas.” Finn scowls at Shayla, then turns to face me, grabbing my cheeks in his pudgy hands. “You won’t hurts him, right, Bossman? We take care of everyone. We don’t hurts them.”

I resist the urge to hang my head. Shit. The boy went and fell in love with a raccoon. “We won’t hurt him, Huck.”

“Um, yes, we will,” Medusa counters. “I’m calling the exterminator right now.”

Finn tenses in my arms, his eyes rimming red.

At his reaction, I can’t help but growl. “Nothing is happening to the damn raccoon, Medusa.”

“Should we just call it a clean five thousand?” Twin A asks. “It’s looking like today is going to be an expensive day for you, so I think I’m offering you a deal.”

When Liam appears in the hallway, Finn squirms out of my hold and runs toward him. “Tell them, Liam! Tell them we feeds Junior good. Tell them I’m a good daddy to him.”

Liam has the good sense to drop his gaze to the floor when every one of us turns to him. “Shit,” he mutters, redness creeping up his face.

Dylan smacks him on the back of the head. “A raccoon, Liam?”

He winces and peeks up at her. “The universe brought him to us, Ma. What did you want me to do?”

“That’ll be a dollar.” Twin B holds out her hand.

Without hesitation, Liam pulls his wallet out of his pocket and slips a crisp one-dollar bill into her hand.

“Wait a second. I thought it was a thousand.” I glower at the two scam artists.

They shrug in unison. “We like him better.”

Liv sighs and drags a hand down her face. “This has gotten out of hand. Everyone out so I can talk to Finn. You’re going to be late for school if you don’t get moving.”

Finn pulls on Liam’s arm, jostling the headphones hanging around the kid’s neck. “Don’t let them call the experimenter.”

Liam’s face scrunches in confusion.

“Exterminator,” I correct, then I get down to Finn’s level. “No one is going to hurt your pet. But we can’t have him running around the house either. We have to get him checked for rabies.”

“He’s not a rabbit, silly Bossman.” Finn boops my nose.

God, this kid. How can I not chuckle at that? “Not a rabbit, right. But can I get him checked anyway?”

“Only if I get to stay while the doctors is here.” He crosses his arms over his chest and pulls his shoulders back. “Mommy always holds my hands when I’m at the doctors so I don’t gets scared.”

“This is ridiculous,” Medusa groans. “Come on, girls. You’ve witnessed enough stupidity this morning.”

When Liv and Finn are the only ones left in the room, I go in search of tools so I can close up the vent.

A fucking raccoon for a pet. What the hell have I gotten myself into?

It’s not until after dinner that we understand what Finn meant when he said he feeds Junior as good as Shay. It’s Dylan’s night to cook, but the side dish Shay insisted on making—the one we all push around with our forks to make it look like we’ve eaten it—is Junior’s favorite, according to Finn.

“Follows me,” he says.

Like he’s the damn Pied Piper, the whole group obeys. We follow Finn to the fireplace, where he puts the food on a plate.

Nothing happens. Sure he’s playing make believe, I ruffle his hair and give him an indulgent smile. It isn’t until we’re all watching Thor a little while later that the damn raccoon appears. He snags the food, then scurries back up the chimney.

I type out a quick message to the contractors I met with today, demanding they board up the fireplace first thing tomorrow. They have a long list already. Addie’s room and the roof are at the top of it, and now, apparently, so is a room for the damn raccoon.

“I love him,” Dylan coos, settling on the arm of the couch beside Liam.

“The raccoon?” I ask, rearing back.

She rolls her eyes and laughs. “No, Thor.”

“We know, Ma, you say it every time we watch this. If only Chris Hemsworth was a baseball player,” Liam mutters.

“Not Chris Hemsworth. Thor. He’s one with the universe with that head of hair.”

“Oh my God. I feel like absolute death,” Medusa mutters, throwing herself onto the chair in the corner.

“Same,” Shay murmurs, pulling Kai against her side and covering his eyes when Thor is on the screen.

“Mom,” Kai whines. “I’ve seen this movie like five times.”

She grumbles under her breath. Probably something about what a bad influence these movies are.

Dylan pipes up. “Should I get out my crystals? It will help with your cramps. Mine are so much less painful because of them.”

Cramps? Oh shit. My stomach sinks as I look from one woman to another and another.

Liv snorts and bumps me with her shoulder. “Sorry,” she mouths.

The evil grin on Medusa’s face makes my skin crawl. “Aren’t you so glad you took over laundry duty, Bossman?”

“Huh?”

“Two words,” she whispers. “Period panties.”

“That’s it!” I launch myself off the couch and head for the foyer. “I’m going to get some fresh air.”

As I’m slipping my shoes on, Liv chides, “Will you leave the poor man alone?”

Ducking period panties. Raccoons for pets. Too many ducking women. I need someone to talk me off the ledge.

Gavin: I’m afraid to ask.

Gavin: Period panties?

Aiden: That’s disgusting. I’m removing your texting privileges in this chat.

AIDEN HAS REMOVED BECKETT FROM THE CHAT.

Blowing out a long breath, I head down the street, phone in hand. Not a minute later, it lights up again.

Gavin has created a new chat.

Gavin: You okay?

Brooks: Aiden is an asshole.

I am anything but okay.

Aiden has added Beckett to the chat.

Aiden: Did you start a chat without me?

Aiden: Hello?

Aiden: I’m calling Mom.

I don’t even laugh at the idiot. My head is still spinning. It has been a day.

Brooks: I say none of us respond to him until tomorrow.

Gavin: Deal.

I need a poker night.

Gavin: Want to come over?

Brooks: I can be there in fifteen.

Just as I pull up the Uber app, my phone buzzes, and a notification appears at the top of the screen.

Livy: Sorry about today.

I sigh and shoot my brothers a text.

Aiden, grow up. I need all three of you at the game tomorrow. I’m in over my head.

Gavin: We’ll be there.

Brooks: Whatever you need.

Aiden: Want to go out? Jill is taking selfies, so she won’t even notice I’m gone.

Nah. I’m going home to my wife. Night, guys.