Chapter Alone
Vendera was abuzz with activity when we arrived. The last three weeks had been rrextremely hectic. Not just the arrivals of the Prince and his Wife, but a whole season has been set in motion when Lady Drodic and Lady Davola announced they were returning to Court. Two more people then what we had been preparing for.
Maids and servants were rushing around trying to get the guest chambers ready before the arrival of the Lords and Ladies of Azga. Niko and Hali remained at my side, as always. Emris had vanished though the Manor door when we arrived back from Summer Crest and I hadn't seen him since.
It almost felt like he was avoiding me. What had I done that upset him? Was it because of the No touching thing? He had been the one who had vowed he wouldn't touch me.
He wouldn't touch me unless I asked him to. Emris had last touched me three weeks ago. And the more I tried to not to think about it, the more I longed for him. The first day back, when I had woken in the morning, the Maids had dressed me, I just stared numbly out the window as they dressed me, trying to forgive Emris out.
He had not joined me for bed and had not joined me for dinner the night before. Yesterday when I went looking for him, Hali told me he had left before dawn with a group of men for a hunt. Apparently the meat locker was getting low and we needed to stock up since we were due to host the double amount of people at Court for the next few weeks. When Emris did return, he was held up in meetings, having returned to our bedroom only after I had fallen asleep.
Our meals were strained, silent. Emris didn't talk much and I didn't know what to say to him now. The longer he refused to speak to me, the more insecure I felt. The silence had stretched on for to long, to many days. Emris would help me from a chair, offering me his hand or arm but then would disengage from me as soon as he could.
One night I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself covered in his heavy, riding cloak and Emris sleeping in the chair facing the bed, his chest bare. His eyes had been closed, his face relaxed and breathing even. He hadn't, not once, since we arrived home, came to bed. I sat there for a long time just staring at him, my heart yearning for him to be closer.
But I dared not move. Emris was free of all emotion, his face slack, relaxed. Peaceful. A beautiful face. One I longed for, one that made my heart flutter and my skin sear. I wanted to wake him. But clearly he was angry about something. The only thing I could think of was that he was angry with me for something I had perhaps said or done. Only I had spent hours racking my brains trying to figure out what was bothering him. He wasn't giving me the chance to ask him. And I didn't want to bother him.
Emris was to host his first Grand Festival and present his new Wife and Princess to his official Court. I hadn't even gotten all of this information from Emris. Servants, Niko and Hali had pieces it together for me. So today, dressed in a new riding outfit, I walked toward the stables. Having only been back for a few days, I knew my way around Vendera Hall much better now.
I laced up the strings on my cloak as I passed through the door and stepped outside into the snow. I smiled when the sound of the crunching snow reached my ears. Taking a deep breath through my nose, the cold mountain air filled my lungs.
Loud barking from the hallway behind me made me turn to see Hali with my dog on a leash. A gift from Emris. He hadn't even bothered to give it to me himself. That was the reason why I was positive that I had done something or said something to upset or offend him. I just wished he would tell me what it was. Hall cut my dog loose who then followed me around until I had Moon saddled up and ready to go.
Moon approached me from the side gate and I turned to face her. I smiled and grabbed the reins, pulling myself up into her back. "You ready, girl?" I asked her.
I had taken her out around the Manor multiple times the last few days, trying to fill my time as the Castle was prepared for upcoming events.
Moon and I were bonding pretty well so I decided to venture outside the Manor and into the woods. Emris had never given me any restrictions on where I could and could not go but the trail that led into the woods was beyond sight of the Manor and I wasn't sure if Emris would approve.
I hesitate, pulling the reins back as Moon paced to a stop. Inwanted to practice. This had been the only places I had been able to do with with out being disturbed or having any other distractions. I had hoped Emris would continue to teach me, but he had hardly poke a word to me since we arrived back from Sunmer Crest. He hasn't offered to teach me anymore either.
So I figured out a way to do it myself. I took a dagger from the armory every time I went out with Moon and went out into the woods. That way I had more to practice with. Reaching down into my boot, I pulled out the two daggers I had snatched from the armory. Hali should have been here by now. Had Emris caught her and questioned her? I sure hoped not.
I never left the grounds without a dagger anymore. In addition to slowly getting Vendera Hall ready for our guests, I had been working on my telekinesis.
I was able to move the dagger off of the table now. Today I was sure I would be able to hit my target. I looked down at the dagger in my hand and sighed. I wished I could show Emris how much progress I had made. I wished I could tell him I would come even further had he been teaching me.
I closed my eyes and cleared my mind. I could almost feel him... he was at ease... resting. But there was pain there too... I wasn't entirely sure if it my pain or his I was feeling.
My chest filled with a dull ache, pulsing in my middle. My hand went up to my chest and a small sob left my lips. Squeezing my eyes shut, I crossed my arms over my chest. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. I needed Emris. But he wouldn't talk to me so how was I supposed to tell him...
I hadn't herd her approach so when she spoke I dropped my hands quickly jerking them away from my throbbing middle.
"Princess."
I didn't need to turn to turn to know who was standing behind me. Her annoying, chime like voice was unmistakable.
"Lady Yesmina, what a pleasure," I greeted her, still not facing her. I wasn't ready to face her. I didn't want her to me cry. Because she had been right. About everything.
"You get it now, don't you?" Lady Yesmina said. "The burden of it all."
I sighed but didn't turn to face her.
"What can I do for you, My Lady?" I asked her and she laughed.
"You can leave," she said causing me to finally turn in my saddle to look at her.
Lady Yesmina was seated in her horses back, the hood and white saddle gleaming in the early morning light.
"I told you how it was going to happen and you didn't listen!" she chided me. "You could have stayed in Summer Creat with your cripple brother- Ermis! You should leave him! He will get you killed one day!"
I wasn't naive enough to think that Yesmina had my best interests at heart. No one did. I wasn't even sure if Emris did at this point.
I was moving before I understood what I was doing. My fingers found the dagger tucked into my boot and it went soaring through the air but stopped before it would even reach her face.
"That will be quite enough of that," Emris said as he walked up behind Yeamina and snatched the dagger from mid air. "I will deal with you later, Yesmina. Now leave us."
She didn't move. The pure look of shock and surprise on her face was priceless. I smirked as my horse became restless, pacing in place for a moment before I was able to get her to settle.
I watched her lowered her gaze and bowed her head before she vanished back the way she had come. Emris turned to face me now, his face reserved.
"You shouldn't be going into the woods alone," he reminded me. "Where is Niko?"
I shook my head. "Still out with the last hunting party you sent out two days ago."
Emris sighed and looked around the deserted trail. "I will just go back to the Manor."
I gripped my reins, ready to get away from him. I had been longing, yearning to see him but he hadn't been there for me. I had come to realize that it hadn't all been in my head. I was angry because he was ignoring me and refusing to touch me. I was pathetic.
As that realization dawned on me, my chest swelled with pain and rejection. Emris grimaced as he picked up on the emotion.
No.
I needed to get away from here before I completely came undone in front of him. How could I justify that? We had been apart for weeks now. I couldn't remember the last time he had held me. The last time he kissed me.
Besides. We had only been married a few weeks and we hadn't been together. Emris slept in the same room but separately from me.
"What is it?"
I looked up at him, hot tears trailing down my face. Shock and embarrassment washed through me. He had seen me cry. How embarrassing. I sniffed and whipped my cheeks. "I'm quite alright, Your Majesty," I assured him. I watched his face harden a little as I lowered my gaze from his. I hadn't seen him this bothered and angry before.
The moment he had declared that my being a Moonblood changed nothing came back to mind, the day he had slipped in his carful control and grabbed my neck.
Was it wrong of me to wish for him to slip again? Only for him to touch me? Emris sighed and dismounted his horse and walked up to me.
"Walk with me," he said in a low voice and then reached up to offer me his hand. I hesitated.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to let him back in. He had shut me out for weeks and for what? He refused to speak to me, refused to touch me and now he wanted...what?
"Please?" he whispered.
My heart pricked with unease as I slowly raised a hand and placed it in his. Emris smiled and pulled me forward, pulling me gently from my horse.
As soon as my feet touched the ground, Emris released me. My fingers almost closed around his arm in an attempt to keep him close, but I forced my hands down to my sides.
"You look beautiful," Emris said as we started down the beaten path. My chest fluttered at his soft, spoke words. "Thank you," I said lamely.
What was I supposed to say? He had been freezing me out for weeks now. At meals, he ignored me and preferred to pour over scrolls from Star Hill or other places and after he would vanish to do who knows what. I looked down at my riding gear. I had replaced the brown feather with Naska feathers that Niko had brought back from his last hunt. Emris sighed and folded his hands behind his back.
"I'm sorry if this has been hard on you," he told me after a moment.
I sighed. "It's not hard, Emris," I lied smoothly. "I just didn't realize that after you said you were devoted me to that would stop speaking to me-"
Emris shook his head.
"I haven't-"
I sighed. "But you have!" I pointed out, gripping Moon's reins as I did my best to keep my cool. Emris didn't answer. When I looked at him, his face had turned thoughtful.
"I'm sorry about that," he assured me after a long moment. "I am just trying to protect you."
I rolled my eyes. "From what?" I demanded. Emris shook his head.
"From me," he said with a small, unamused, sheepish smile.
I shook my head. "I don't understand!" I pointed out. He wasn't making much sense.
Emris reached up a hand as if to touch me and my heart slammed into my rib cage, waiting for the sweet calming sensation I knew his touch held. My eyes slipped closed as I felt myself lean forward.
"I am just trying to keep you safe," he explained. I glanced down at his balled fists that remained at his side. My heart throbbed in my chest as I watched him shake and shudder.
"I have lost my temper one to many times when it comes to you."
The moments where Emris had killed Hiram and when his face had turned white and distorted inside the carriage flashed before me. "You understand, right?"
I shook my head. I really didn't. I "Understand what?" I demanded as I reached for him. I wasn't in any danger, I didn't fear him. All I longed for was his touch but his hands caught my wrists, roughly, his eyes having gone dark. "Nalia."
My name left his lips in a deep, hushed whisper only we could hear. His face had taken on a tormented expression, his eyes searching mine as we stared at each other.
"I can't..." His words trailed off as his grip loosened on me and he reluctantly stepped closer. "I won't!"
I nodded. "If that is what you want," I said and bowed my head. Emris didn't answer when I looked back up at him.
I sighed, lowering my gaze from his and turned back to my horse and mounted up. I didn't want to give him a reason to hate me even more. "It's not a matter of want, Princess." I turned to face him. "If's what's best," he assured me. I shook my head and scoffed at him. Just because he was my husband didn't mean he got to make decisions for me.
"And here I thought I had done something to offend you!" I snapped at him. I watched his face go slack with surprise.
Emris had the audacity to look confused and for some reason that just made me more angry.
"If this is your idea of protecting me, I'd rethink your strategy!" I told him as my voice shook. I didn't wait for him to answer. "Perhaps I should return to Summer Crest."
I watched his face go blank with surprise. "What?" he demanded. "Why would you do that?"
"Because," I said, doing my best not to scream at him. "You clearly don't want me here!"
I never saw him move. Emris' hands shot out and he pulled me roughly from my horse. My feet dangled in the air for a moment as his arms slithered around me. A fierce grunt left his lips as my back slammed into the tree behind me. His face pressed to the inside of my neck, inhaling deeply. My skin rippled with awareness and I shuddered. Emris laughed humorlessly as he leaned away.
"You see, that is the whole problem here, Nalia!" he hissed at me as his body pressed to mine.
My breath caught in my chest. "You are not making any sense!" I protested in a low confused voice. Emris growled, stepping away, as if suddenly remembering himself, lowering his hands to his sides. His breathing was unravel, his fists balled at his sides. After he was able to calm himself, Emris sighed and folded his arms behind his back. His remorse filled me as he stared at the ground, trying to think.
"Do you remember our first night at Start Hill?" he asked me in a low voice.
Blood bloomed in my face and chest. "Of course," I said, positive I would remember it for a completely an entirely different reason that he would. Emris had kissed me for the first time. The memory of his warm, soft lips pressed to mine was bit a ghost of a memory now.
I couldn't remember what hips lips felt like. What they tasted like. I couldn't recall the feeling the feel of his lips gave me when they were pressed against mine. It was like a dream, one I had had many years ago, one that now seemed like a made up fantasy or dream.
"I committed myself to you and to that I hold-"
I sighed and lowered my gaze. "You are so frustrating!" I scolded him and he laughed. "Excuse me?"
I wished he would back up so I could put some space between us. Being this close was very distracting. His smell. The look on his face. The heat that radiated off from his naked chest that was visible from the inside of his cloak.
"You say you are completely devoted me," I told me and watched a small smile crease his face. "Yet you refuse to speak to me for weeks- let alone touch or even look at me- "
The smile slipped from his lips. He growled at me. "I look at you," he assured me in a low voice.
We stared at each other. Emris watched me, seeming content to just stand beside me and watch me. His face was relaxed and somber. "It was wrong of me, to whisk you away and marry you like that... I should have given you time-"
I cut him off, suddenly wishing he would just stop. "If I didn't want to do it, I had plans on getting away from you somehow," I assured him. "Dead or alive."
His eyes narrowed at me. "And just how would have done that, Princess?" he asked me in a low voice. I shook my head.
"I have my ways," I told him.
Emris' fingers twitched at his side as his face faltered with anger and dissatisfaction. "I'm sure you do."
I sighed as another silence stretched between us. Emris hadn't moved much. His hands remained balled at his sides.
"I should be getting back," he said after a long pause. I turned away from me and headed down the way he had some. Was he just going to leave? "I have to travel to Negera to escort the Lady Drodic back to court. I leave in the morning and will be back at the end of the week."
Fear flooded through me. Why was I feeling like this? Why did he want to leave me? Why wouldn't he stay? What could I do to make him stay. My heart was hammering away painfully in my chest. My lips parted as a soft breath left me in a soft whisper.
My feet started to move forward, my arms came up. Snow and ice crunched under my feet, my gloves hands gripped a handful of his thick cloak, making him stop.
"No," I told him fiercely.
Emris turned to face me, his cloak sweeping the snow cover forest floor. His eyes were bright, light black shadows rimmed his eyes. He stared at me, his sharp teeth pinching his bottom lip as he raised a hand to my face. His hand curled into a fist, his warm breath fanning my face.
"You are testing me," he warned me. I dropped my hands from his cloak, gripping my own, trying to not make any rash decisions, trying to think.
"I don't mean to," I assured him. "Rest assured you are testing me too!" I told him and watched his face crease with a smirk that cause my mouth to water. Emris raised his hard and pulled his leather gloves from his fingers. My heart hammered up into my neck, making it impossible to move or breath as I watched as his eyes became transfixed on what he was doing.
I felt his hand curl around the back of my neck, making me look up at him. His fingers were warm, like a hot flame against my skin, making me shudder. His hands pulled me forward, pressing me to his chest.
My heart hammered in my chest and he breathed out a smile. "I can feel your heart beating," he whispered and leaned away to look me over.
Butterflies, the ones with the razor blades for wings had returned. I closed my eyes as this odd, painful pleasure washed through me and a faint smile curled my lips as my eyes slipped closed before his finger froze on my skin.
Emris sighed, his hands fell away from me and my eyes opened. He had turned his back on me and was headed over to my horse.
"We should get back," he said as he walked back to Moon and gripped her reins. "Dinner will be-"
"No!"
My voice came out loud and clear.
I wasn't sure what made me do it. Perhaps I didn't want him to go back to ignoring me. Perhaps the pain in my chest made me do it. But my lungs were pulling in air to speak the words, my lips parted has the butterflies tore up the inside of my chest, wounding me.
"Emris, will you ever kiss me again?" I asked him.
My lips slammed closed as soon as the words were out. Emris stopped and turned to look at me.
"Nalia-"
I shook my head as I walked forward. My hands were shaking. "You said you wouldn't touch me unless I asked you."
He narrowed his eyes at me. "Are you asking?" he whispered in a low voice. My mouth went dry as I opened my lips to answer but no words came out.
We stared at each other. The subtle changes in his expression worried me. I reached out for his mind but he distracted me by reaching up to touch my face gently.
"You want me to kiss you?" His voice was soft, husky. I couldn't bring myself to answer as his hands wandered around my neck slowly.
"I won't," he told me and my lips parted in surprise. I leaned away a little, moving my face away from his. Emris sighed and dropped his hands. "It's not because I don't want to!" he assured me.
I shook my head. "That doesn't make any sense!" I told him.
Emris smirked and dropped his hands as he turned back to my horse. "No, it doesn't," he agreed with a smile. I felt my face fall a little. Rejection washed through me. But before I could ask why, Emris grabbed the reins of my horse and turned to face me. "Come. We have engagements to attend."
I forced a smile on my face and walked up to him. How embarrassing. Perhaps he had changed his mind. Perhaps he didn't want me anymore. Pain throbbed through out me as that thought crossed my mind. I didn't know what to do. What did I want? Was it Emris? Was it freedom? Could I have one without the other? Or was I willing to walk away from all of it?
The Stables were deserted of servants but filled with three other horses we didn't own. When we rode into the geint stable, Emris noticed the horses almost immediately. Someone had arrived. I waited for Emris to dismount before I heaved myself from Moons back and followed him into the Manor. "Someone is here,"
By the look on his face, I wasn't sure if he was worried or upset, but he waved for Hali to join me as he hurried down the hall. Hali took my cloak and guided me down the hall. "I have a bath waiting for you, Princess." I looked down the hallway where Emris stood talking to Lord Melbourne. Graven seemed upset as he fisted a crumpled scroll in his fist. Emris didn't look happy with him either. My pace slowed as Yesmina waved her hand at her father, an annoyed look in her face.
"What are they doing back so soon?" I asked Hali.
She shook her head. "I was asked by one of the servants to help her with the Last Lady Yesmina this morning," she told me. "She arrived sometime last night with a message from Star Hill."
I nodded. "I was wondering where you had gotten to," I admitted. "What was the message?"
Hali bowed her head. "My apologies, Princess, Lady Yesmina insisted. Her Ladyship can be... difficult."
I sighed and nodded. Looking back at Lady Yesmina, I felt envy and self loathing wash through me. "As for the message, unfortunately I wouldn't know."
I nodded. Yesmina's hand in my husbands arm was bothering me more then it should. Anger pulsed through me followed by a dull ache. Emris turned to look at me, his eye catching mine.
Appearances.
I blinked, lowering my gaze as I turned away and continued down the hallway. "Hali, are you able to find out the contents of that message the Lord Melbourne had in his hands?" I asked her.
Hali smiled. "I am Princess," she answered me in a low voice.
"Then please tdo so," I instructed in a low voice. "I do not trust Lord Melbourne or the Lady Yesmina. I want to know what has them so angry."