Manipulate

The train ride back to TID is crowded and loud. I don’t do well in small spaces. Confinement is one of my worst fears and I have to learn how to control it. I focus on my breathing. Inhale through the nose. Exhale out the mouth. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. I tell myself as the train rushes through the night.

Max had collected our paintball guns before we got onto the train. And Alia had us dump our helmets into a wooden crate outside the train.

I stare down. I still have on the velcro protective gear from earlier. Alia said that she’d collect that from us once we got back to TID.

I sigh and lean against the cool window behind me. Everyone either stands up and leans against the train walls or they sit down on the floor talking and laughing. Abi comes and sits down next to me.

“Nice job Abhaya!” Abi exclaims into my ear.

The blood rushes to my cheeks. I blush. “Thank you. But I don’t deserve all the credit.”

Abi shoots me a confused look. “But you got the flag. And from what I heard you climbed the old Ferris wheel!” Abi exclaims quietly.

“Yes I did. But it was a team game and the game would’ve lasted the entire night if no one had looked for the flag,” I shoot back.

Abi stares at me for a moment. “Tomorrow Theo has to move out of the dorms. I heard that a new girl is moving in.”

“I know.” I say. I wish that Theo wouldn’t leave. He was one of the first friends I ever made here in TID. But it isn’t the end of the world. He’s still going to be in TID. Just not in the dorms.

The train lurches to a stop and everyone gets off. The dim lights of the station glow. Everyone fills the station as they exit the train. Theo, Trey, and Peter walk in a small group through the crowd.

Theo shoots me a smile. I smile back. His friends laugh and slap him on the arm. Theo swats them away.

We enter TID and the scent of sweat, paint, and blood all mix together. Rae stands at the end of the hallway. Her tan face glows from the fluorescent lighting behind her.

“Everyone go to your dorm and report to the cafeteria at eight thirty tomorrow morning,” she announces.

No one says anything until we’re all down the hallway and no one can hear us. That’s when the yelling and screaming start again.

“I thought that everyone would be tired and acting like a bunch of zombies,” Kayla whispers in my ear. I nod.

“Me too. I mean, we were running outside in the chilly night shooting paintballs at adults, scaling buildings and ladders to capture a flag. Who wouldn’t be tired,” I say back.

“Exactly!” Kayla exclaims quietly. “Who wouldn’t?”

I shrug my shoulders. My body is heavy with exhaustion and my eyes threaten to fall asleep. My feet drag as I walk down the hallway. My head doesn’t ache anymore but it begs for sleep. I feel like a zombie.

The dorm door opens and the younger part of the unit dashes straight to their beds screaming and hollering. I trudge my tired body to my bunk and push myself up onto it. I lay on my twin bed with my blanket pulled up over my ears. The screaming only gets louder as time passes.

I press the blanket closer to my ears to drown out the noise. The blanket makes me feel like I’m in my own little cocoon. It makes me feel safe. My eyes droop and I fall into a dark sleep.

I don’t want to dream but my brain makes me. My brain wants to remind me of the pain that I have endured in the past. The suffering days and nights. The nights I went without food.

When dad had to work late and I was responsible for jobs that I wasn’t ready for. When Aj had after school activities or the bus ran late. I was alone for an hour to two hours. I was stuck in the house with Donatella, Lillie, and Linda. It was Hell.

I made it and now I’m safe here. That’s at least what people say around here. I’m not the most honest person but I know one thing and that is; nowhere is safe. Not even if you’re ten miles from you’re worst nightmare. You are never safe in this world sometimes.

I sit in the library with a book cradled in my hands. I sit curled up in a small armchair. I feel safer in the library than I do anywhere. I glance over at Mrs. Ray. She stands behind her desk checking in the old and worn copies of old books that anyone hardly reads anymore.

She hums a soft tune that sounds almost familiar to me. It reminds me of the tune mom would hum to me when I fell and scraped my knee or when I had nightmares and I need conforming.

I shake my head and return to the well-worn copy of Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi. It turns out that she wrote quite a few novels before Chicago was shut out of the states. The lunch bell won’t ring for another ten minutes and I’m getting to a good part in the book. I can’t help but smile as the two characters fall slowly in love.

I push my black squarelike frames back up to the bridge of my nose. The bell rings. I don’t want to leave this sanctuary. I feel safe here. I feel like I belong here and not in the crowd of people who judge me for my size and my intelligence. North Kate Private School is not somewhere I belong and I shouldn’t have been enrolled here in the first place. I’m only here on scholarship. I don’t want dad to have to work two extra part-time jobs just for my education.

I sigh and close my book. “Have a good day Mrs. Ray,” I call as I exit the library doors.

“You too Abhaya,” Mrs. Ray calls out from behind me. I shoot her a smile as the doors close behind me.

I push my way through the crowd to get to my locker. I need to grab my binder and make my back to History. Ms. Ring teaches History and she always appreciates it when you come to class with your textbook. I scan my disc and my locker opens. I grab my textbook in a haste as I attempt to make it to my next class.

I make it to class one minute before it rings. Ms. Ring walks in and closes the door behind her. Her brown hair is clipped back by one silver clip. Her brown eyes scan the classroom.

“Abhaya, come here please,” Ms. Ring asks.

Heat rushes to my face as I close my book and stand up. Ms. Ring leads me outside the classroom. I hate it when the teachers ask to see me. I lean against the wall for support.

“What did I do?” I ask quietly.

“Abhaya, you’re not in trouble. I just wanted to talk to you,” Ms. Ring says, meeting my eye level.

“What is it then?”

“I think that you need to switch classes or move to the next grade.”

This is exactly what I hate. I hate it when teachers tell me that I need to switch classes or skip to the next grade.

“Oh,” is all I can manage to say. I know if I skip this grade I’ll be in the same grade as Linda and Lillie and that will be Hell. “Okay. I’ll do whatever I need to do.”

“Abhaya, you can skip this grade. You really can. I’m not forcing you to. I’m just letting you know that there are always options you can choose from,” Ms. Ring says.

I don’t want to take this opportunity. I hate it when people say I have a choice. But in reality, I really don’t. I hate taking from people. It makes me feel hollow and like a part of me just got burned in a flame.

“No thank you. I’d rather stay in this grade,” I say. “But thank you for the offer,” I say, crossing my hands over the area where my collarbone creates a V in it.

Ms. Ring nods, “you’re welcome Abhaya.”

I open the classroom door and slide back into my seat. As always, I get the dirty looks and ‘what did you do?’ look. Ms. Ring stands in front of the classroom discussing the history of Chicago.

“It’s very important to know the history of where you live,” Ms. Ring announces. “No matter who you are.” Ms. Ring scans the room with her eyes looking at each and every one of us.

Through the class period, all I can hear is pens scratching against paper, typing on Discs, and whispers. One thing that I’ve learned is that whispers are never good. They always carry rumors around.

A spitball hits the back of my neck. Even after two seconds, I can still feel the sting from the spitball. I turn around in my chair.

“Who just did that?” I demand.

Snickers echo through the classroom. Ms. Ring left a moment ago to retrieve copies from the copy room. I don’t know how she could ever trust this class to work in her absence.

“Who did that?” I demand again.

“Abhaya, chill out. It was just a joke,” someone says in the back.

I glare at the boy who just said what he said. He recoils at my glare.

“Well, it wasn’t a very funny one then,” I spit.

The classroom is silent.

I don’t want to be cruel or closed off. I want to be kind and open. I just need time and space.

The door clicks open and the class falls silent. Ms. Ring’s face contorts with confusion. Then she just shrugs and sets a stack of papers on her desk. The bell rings ten minutes later and everyone rushes to exit the classroom.

The rest of the day drags by. I sigh as I wait for gym to be dismissed. Gym is a nightmare especially when you have it with the grade above you. The locker rooms are worst. When you have over fifty girls changing at once it turns into chaos.

Perfume gets sprayed everywhere; strong scents float like a thick cloud over you no matter where you are in the locker room. Gossip spreads like wildfire.

Today is archery day and all the girls are complaining about their nails chipping, or their hair getting messed up or the classic ‘I don’t have to do it because my parents are-’ excuse.

Archery is the one and the only thing I care about in gym. While other girls care about boyfriends, makeup, clothes or whatever they care about; I get excited over bows, arrows, targets and the thrill of shooting an arrow at a target.

“Line up ladies and gentlemen!” Coach yells.

Groans echo through the gym. Coach leads us outside into the cool September afternoon. Complaints fly through the crowd.

In the middle of the bare field, targets stand ready for practice. Bows hang on posts next to quivers of arrows. People push through the crowd to find an empty spot in the back.

“Everyone pay attention. I’m only demonstrating this once!” Coach yells over us.

The talking turns into whispers. Coach’s eyes burn into us. The whispers disappear into thin air.

Coach turns around and loads an arrow into the bow. “Before we start, has anyone ever done archery?”

Whispers and murmurs go through the crows.

“I have,” I whisper.

Heads turn in my direction. Blush creeps up my neck and face. Eyes burn into me to see if I’m lying.

“Show us then,” Some boy sneers.

I take a breath and walk up towards Coach. She hands me a bow and an arrow. I load the arrow into the bow. I aim the arrow at the target and pull the string back. I close my eyes and take another breath in.

“Come on! We don’t have all- Ow!”

I let the string go and the arrow hits the target as a bullseye. The whole class is silent and no one moves or breathes for a moment.

I lay down my bow and find a spot in the crowd. Everyone is still stunned.

Twenty minutes later, Coach brings us back inside and we change. The locker room smells of perfume, sweat and dirty clothes. I sigh and pull my gym shirt off of my sweaty body. I wear my gym shirt over my regular long sleeved shirt. I open my locker and pull my backpack out.

“Hey Nerd!” Linda spits as I exit the locker room.

I stay silent as I exit the locker room. Linda and Lillie come chasing after me. They’re a year above me, and ninth and tenth grade have gym and explo together. The bell rings dismissing school for the day.

I tighten the straps on my backpack and make my way out of the school doors. I walk home while Linda and Lillie are picked up by my brother in their black and silver car. Cars are hardly ever used now. Everyone either walks or takes a bus home.

I walk on the old and cracked sidewalk. Buses tend to drive in the middle of the roads along with the very few cars.

The sky is a pale blue with gray clouds forming in the sky. Rain. Again.

I shrug and walk home through the crowded streets. I manage to cross the road to get to my house without getting stopped by one of the popular kids in my class. When I get to the house, Linda and Lillie’s black car is parked along the curb.

I unlock the door to enter through the front. Aj sits on the front steps waiting for me. He started college this year but he wanted to stay at home.

“Thank God you made it home safe,” Aj exclaims quietly as I lock the door from the inside.

Aj wraps his arms around me and buries his face into my head. I wrap my arms around him and breathe in his scent.

Dad comes home later from his office, and Donatella follows shortly after. I remember the reason dad married Donatella; but he doesn’t know what she does to me.

I trudge up the long and narrow staircase to my room. I pull out my notebook and binder to start my math homework. Linda comes into my room with her homework.

“Help me.” She commands.

I sigh and close my binder. I lay my pencil down on my half-completed worksheet. “Why would I help you?” I ask.

“Because I need help.” Linda scoffs.

I push my glasses up on the bridge of my nose. “What do you need help with?”

“All of it! I don’t understand any of it!” Linda shrieks.

I feel the life jump out of my skin. One thing that I’ve learned is that you never test Donatella, Linda or Lillie’s limits. Their patience is very thin and if you even dare to walk on that thin line, you will regret it.

Linda smacks her binder. It makes a loud thud that echoes in the room. I sigh and look over her homework. “This is easy,” I mutter under my breath as my eyes skim over the paper.

“Since when did you get glasses?” Linda presses, trying to change the subject.

I stay quiet and pick up my pencil. I circle the numbers and symbols on her paper. Then I write out a reference table.

“You see these symbols? Look over here and the table will tell you what you need to do. Got it?”

Linda gapes at the paper. She nods and turns around to leave. The door opens and then slams shut.

Later that evening, I’m stuck in the kitchen cooking dinner. Salad, spaghetti and garlic bread. Fun. A pot on the stove boils with hot water while I dice tomatoes, shred cheese and carrots, slice onions, cube olives and wash lettuce.

The pasta sits in the water to cook while the sauce is simmering on the stove. My arms ache from stirring, lifting pots, slicing and dicing vegetables. Scents of garlic, bread, tomatoes, and other spices fill the air.

My stomach growls with anticipation as I plate the food. I walk into the dining room with food on plates and set them down in front of everyone. When I place the food at my spot, Donatella smacks it to the ground.

The carpet looks like a gruesome murder scene just happened and tiny glass shards bounce off the ground. Dad or Aj isn’t there. They know nothing about Donatella’s treatment towards me.

When I wake up in the morning, the clock reads 8:00. Crap. I only have half an hour until Rae needs us down at the cafeteria. I run a hand through my greasy hair. There’s enough time to take a shower. I think.

The dorm is dead and silent. Everyone fell asleep an hour after the game. The younger unit and Nick finally came down from their adrenaline rush after Max came in and gave them a serum to knock them out for the rest of the night.

I rummage through the extra clothes bin. I manage to find a black v-neck long sleeve shirt and a pair of camouflage cargo pants. I turn on the shower; the cold water wakes me up immediately.

I lather my long and thick hair in shampoo and conditioner. The soap on the wall fills the air with the aroma of lemon and lavender. The scent also brings back many pleasant memories.

I remember mom smelling like this. Her clothes always smelled like this. Every time I hugged her, or when she’d take care of me when I was sick or when she’d stand behind me and teach me how to bake.

I finish showering and turn the water off. I wrap my hair in a smaller towel and wrap that around my head. I pull the cargo pants on and sinch them as small as they can go. The shirt hugs the very few curves I’ve ever had. But it fits and it hides the faint scars on my arms. You can’t see them but I know that they’re there.

I stare at my reflection in the mirror with disgust. I’m a nerd, small, flat chested and sickly pale. My hair was always frizzy and I never liked it. It’s better now than it was when I was younger.

I was never pretty or beautiful. People only talked to me because they needed help with homework or they wanted to tease me.

I sigh and shake my hair out of the towel. The dark brown locks hit my back with a sharp, short sting. I need to trim it or cut it at some point. I shake my head and comb it out with my fingers.

I hear shuffling and talking outside the bathroom. I pull my hair back into a thick, messy ponytail. Good enough. I think as I take one last look in the mirror. Before I exit the bathroom, I notice that my semi-permanent contacts in my eyes are beginning to shrink. Dangit. I didn’t bring extras. I might have my glasses in my backpack still. That’s probably why I had a headache the other day.

I open the bathroom door and walk back into the dorm. Mia sits on her bunk pulling a pair of leggings up. She smiles at me.

“Hey. How’d you sleep last night?” Mia asks, flipping her hair to the side.

I yawn. “Good. How’d you sleep?”

“I couldn’t sleep until Max came in and gave that serum to everyone. But other than that, I slept quite well.”

I smile and walk back to my bunk. Nick lays on the bottom bunk with his hair covering his closed eyes. His arms lay sprawled out like a baby as he sleeps.

Theo sits on his bunk stripping the sheets from his bed. He seems to notice me when I push myself up onto my bunk. I start rummaging through my backpack to see if my glasses are buried somewhere at the bottom.

“What are you looking for Abhaya?” Theo asks with a long yawn.

“My old glasses,” I state.

Theo’s face contorts with confusion. “You wear glasses?”

“I used to wear glasses,” I correct.

I get to the bottom of the backpack and find the black case holding my glasses. I open the case and the lenses are coated with dust. But they aren’t broken. I sigh in relief and go back to the bathroom.

I take out the old contacts and my head feels like it just was released from a cage. It feels free. I run the old lenses under cool water. I exhale and place the glasses back onto my face.

My eyes turn from a dull gray to a light blue. Not like an ocean but like a sunny day. I force a smile onto my face and walk back into the dorm.

I sit on my bunk and stare at the ground. Hopefully, Theo won’t notice. But I get proved wrong; Theo looks at me. His eyes meet mine. Theo’s ears begin to turn pink from blush.

“I like your frames,” he says without stuttering.

My eyes are glued to the floor now. “Thanks.” I glance up at Theo. His smile is bright. Like it was last night.

Alia comes into the dorm. Max is nowhere near her as always. “Rae needs you all in the cafeteria in ten minutes.”

Groans echo through the room as bedsprings shift and blankets are thrown to the floor. The sound of shuffling and yawning fill the room. Theo pushes himself off of his bunk and starts to shake Nick’s shoulder. Nick rolls over and sleeps through it.

Theo rolls his eyes and looks at me. His smile is kind and warm.

“How’d you sleep last night?” He asks, his arms crossing over his chest.

“Fine. You?”

“Good. Were you asleep before Max came in last night?”

“Yeah. Why did Max come in last night?”

Theo raises a shoulder. “Well, some people couldn’t go to sleep and one of the adults heard it and reported it to Max and he came in and gave everyone who wasn’t asleep the sleeping serum.”

My brain attempts to wrap around the information. A sleeping serum? I nod.

I climb down off my bunk and walk towards the door. My boots make me sound like a soldier going into battle; that is exactly what I look like. I open the door and exit the dorm.

I run into Alia in the hall. I stumble back pressing my hand to my forehead.

“Sorry,” I apologize.

Alia laughs. “It’s fine Abhaya. Last night was tiring. How’d you sleep?”

“Fine. How’d you sleep?”

“Pretty well until I got called into the storage room to find the sleeping serum.”

“How many serums are there?” I ask.

Alia looks at me. Her expression hardens. “That’s none of your concern. You got it?”

I nod.

“Good. Let’s go to the cafeteria. The others will be down hopefully soon.”

My body shakes from the sudden change of Alia’s behavior. Is there something that’s going on and that none of us is supposed to know? Are we safe here like Rae said? I have questions and I need answers.

I sit at a table alone for five minutes until the cafeteria doors swing open and voices fill the empty space. I immediately snap out of my daze when a light tap on my shoulder jolts me. Abi sits to my right. Her face looks tired and worn. Her auburn hair is plaited into a braid that reaches her shoulders.

“Morning!” Abi chirps.

I manage to smile. “Morning,” I say, faking a smile. I need caffeine. I need coffee!

Rae enters the cafeteria with her black blazer and maroon long sleeve shirt. Her black pencil skirt and black heels make her look like a shadow with blood on it. Rae’s heels click against the tile floor with pride. She looks confident and her posture shows it all.

“Good morning everyone! I hope that you all slept well last night,” Rae chirps.

Groans echo through the cafeteria. I sigh and rest my head on my hand.

Rae shakes her head. She clasps her hands together in front of her as she stands next to the podium. “So this morning a new transfer arrived. Her name is Erika.”

Heads turn to face a girl dressed in pink wedges, a short casual lavender empire waist sundress. Her blond hair is plaited in a french braid that reaches her chest. Her facial expression shows that she’s been waiting for this moment her entire life. Her cold blue eyes sparkle with joy.

It makes me want to vomit. It makes me sick. Mom always told me that self-pride blinds the person who wears it. She always frowned upon the girls on our floor. They always wore expensive designer brands and accessories that displayed their status. I remember mom shaking her head when she saw these girls in the hall.

“Remember my words Abhaya, vanity will destroy you. It will manipulate you,” Mom always said those words when she saw me staring at the girls all dressed up.

Erika steps down from the podium and walks around the cafeteria scanning the crowd. I feel the muscles in my back tense from her stare. Erika’s cold and hard stare burns into each and every one of us.

Her wedges make me want to laugh. And the way she’s dressed makes me want to cry while I laugh. I’ve been here for only a week but I know what and how TID works. One fact that I know is that Erika is not going to last here long.

She is definitely going to snap during training. Especially with that face; nothing is going to last long.

The adults and TID borns begin to fill the cafeteria. Chatter and laughter begin to fill the dining area with brightness and smiles. I sigh and get in line to get food. This morning toast, eggs, bacon, and fruit are the special.

“They serve this for breakfast? I want real food,” Erika scowls next to me.

I roll my eyes and shift down toward the eggs. “This is not going to end well,” I mutter to myself as I scoop eggs onto my plate.

“Hey, did you hear me?” Erika demands.

I don’t look up at her. I pick up the tongs and pick up two pieces of crispy bacon. I set them back down and move toward the fruit. I pick up a green apple and exit the line.

I sit down next to Theo. His ears turn a light pink when my elbow brushes his. I pick up my butter knife and start spreading butter over my toast. I take a bite and chew it slowly and silently.

“You’re going to eat more than that right?” Erika scoffs.

“Excuse me?” I say.

Erika sits down next to me. Her eyes are hard as stone. “Well if you want to be pretty then you need to eat more. I mean look at you! You’re all skin and bone! Hardly any fat at all.”

I roll my eyes at Erika. She sits with her arms crossed over her chest. I turn around and face her.

“First of all, you’ve only been here for at least an hour and you’re already bossing people around. That’s not how it works here in TID. Second of all, my health and my diet is none of your business. Understand?” I ask.

Erika rolls her eyes and gets up. I shake my head in disbelief as I put a forkful of eggs into my mouth. Theo gets up and his elbow brushes mine. My blood rushes. I sit at the table eating the crispy bacon while Erika complains about the food here.

It feels like home. But better.

The bell rings and the shuffling of feet begin. I get up and dump my remaining eggs into the trash can. Everyone piles out of the cafeteria and walks down the hall. Saturday. One more day of training and then we’ll have a break.

Max and Alia wait for us in the training room. Max is thinking. I can tell by the way his face is and that his eyes are trained on the ground. Alia looks confident. Her posture is perfect and her head is held high.

“Line up in groups. I want the younger group with Alia and the older group with me,” Max orders.

Faces contort and confusion spreads like wildfire through the room. Abi looks at me with her eyebrows furrowed and confusion paints her face. I shrug my shoulders.

“What? That makes absolutely no sense!” Abi hisses.

“Go please.” Max asks.

The younger unit follows Alia and she leads them out of the training room. My heart hammers in my chest. It seems that the whole room has stopped breathing. No one moves. We’re all statues in one room.

Max scans the room and smiles. “Welcome to the first stage of training. Hopefully you’ll all live. And if you don’t there’s no going home. You are stuck with us. Permanently.”

Hey, sorry for the long chapter. Thank you for sticking with me throughout it! Love you readers! Have fun feeling numb later. Again, Love you guys!

-Bookworm46