Manipulate

We enter the training room and I’m still shook from what I just saw. Theo leans against the crates as he waits for us to enter and get situated. Theo stares at us and we stare back.

“Well, we got through everything that Max left in his plans today,” Theo starts. “I want you all to stay here but you may talk, train or fight. No weapons though.”

Mia, Kayla, and I sit in a circle with our legs crisscrossed talking. I glance over my shoulder and see Nick, Erika, and Lee sitting next to one another talking in low voices. I can hear what they’re saying and it is not good.

“Lee, when we were shooting today, Abhaya only hit the target once,” Erika gossips. “I mean who does that? I hit the target four times.”

“Me too,” Nick brags.

The three of them snicker as anger churns inside of my stomach. Heat rises in my blood but I must keep my temper under control because nobody can know that I’m a threat to myself and to the government.

“Abhaya, do you have any guys you like?” Mia asks.

“No,” I scoff. “Why would I?”

“Because we’re young and we’re dumb,” Kayla says, swinging her arms out like a show person.

The three of us burst into laughter as we joke around and tell funny stories. I never remember feeling this way unless I was with Aj or with mom, dad and Aj. I always felt that I had to be serious around Donatella. I always thought that.

“Hey do you guys want to get tattoos later or maybe tomorrow?” Kayla asks after we finish laughing.

“Sure, that’d be cool,” I say.

“Totally,” Mia agrees. “Do you think that I should dye my hair an outrageous color?”

“Duh,” Kayla says. “Maybe an electric blue or a hot pink or maybe both!”

“Abhaya, do you think that I should change my look?” Mia asks.

I snap out of my daze. “Of course. Either of those colors would look great on you.”

Mia’s hands fold over one another over where her collar bone creates a V. “Aw thank you. You’re so kind, Abhaya.”

I shake my head, laughing. “I’m not kind. I just know how to be nice and when it’s necessary.”

“Whatever,” Kayla and Mia both sigh.

We burst into laughter once again. The three of us sit on the floor before Trey and Peter come over and join us.

“Hey, Abhaya, Kayla and Mia,” Trey says with a grin. “How are you guys doing?”

“We’re great,” Kayla says. “Do you guys want to get tattoos with us later?”

“Yes! I was thinking about getting a hummingbird tattooed on the back of my neck,” Trey says. “Peter what are you thinking about?”

“Uh… maybe a snake behind my ear,” Peter says.

Trey punches Peter in the arm. “That’s so cool. Abhaya what are thinking about getting?”

“I still need to think about that,” I say. “I’m not sure.”

“That’s cool. We have one of the best tattoo artists here in TID. Her name is Ash,” Peter says.

I nod. “Cool.”

The bell rings for dinner half an hour later and Theo isn’t in the training room. I guess he left when we were talking and goofing off in our groups. As we exit the training room, I notice the ranking board. We’re ranked with everyone else who’s currently training here in TID.

My name is next to twenty-nine. There’s a total of fifty initiates. Disappointment churns in my stomach as I exit the training room with everyone else. I have to make it to the top. I will. I have to. I have to do it for Aj and dad. I have to do it to bring mother back home. I have to.

Dinner is loud and noisy when I enter the cafeteria. I notice Theo. He sits with Max and Alia talking with them as he pokes at his slice of Alice Cheesecake. I get in line and wait for the line to shift forward.

The scent of hamburgers, bread, and cheesecake mix in the air. Causing an aroma of salt and sugar to mix. I pick up a hamburger and a bun. The cheesecake tonight is regular and has a cinnamon crust.

My mouth waters at the sight of the food. I walk over to join Kayla, Mia, and Abi at our usual table. One thing I notice is that, Abi is talking like she normally does. She’s quiet and pokes at her cheesecake in silence.

“Hi, Abi,” I say, attempting to be friendly.

“Hey,” Abi mumbles.

“Are you okay?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay.”

For the rest of dinner, Abi and I are quiet. Mia and Kayla are too. No one talks at our table. It’s pure silence. When the bell rings, while everyone exits the cafeteria the four of us are silent.

As we walk back to the dorms, Abi separates from us and follows her group. She leaves without a word. When Kayla, Mia, and I enter the dorm, everyone lays in their bunks. Silent. No noise or laughing; just pure silence again.

I climb up onto my bunk and curl up into a ball. I don’t bother to take my shoes off or remove my jacket; I lay there until my eyes close.

At some point, the door flies open and we’re awaken. A blurry outline of Alia stands in the doorway. She stands in the middle of the doorway waiting for us.

“I need you all by the Cliff. Someone just jumped,” she says as she attempts to hold back a sob.

That catches our attention and in a matter of seconds, we’re out the door. As we walk down toward the Cliff, I can’t help but wonder who jumped? As we turn down the halls and our steps time with one another’s, tears and quiet sobs are heard from the group.

When we get to the Cliff my heart gets caught in my throat. A body lies motionless on the ground. It’s a girl and her auburn hair covers her face. Her eyes are closed and she isn’t breathing. Blood seeps from her forehead and from her arms. Her body is pale.

Abi. The name screams in my head. Abi! I choke back a sob as tears brim my eyes. Abi. The sweet and fiery girl everyone knew; now dead forever. She was so young. So innocent. Why? Why did she do this and what made her do it?

Tears brim my eyes as I march out of the large crowd. Adults gather around to examine her body. Rae stands in front of us. Her face is painted with grief and with remorse.

Before I exit the crowd of people Rae claps her hands. The sobbing and whispering all come to an end. I stay.

“Everyone, I know this is hard and that this victim was innocent but can we please have a moment of silence please?” Rae asks.

Heads bow down as the minute drags by. Will her parents know that their daughter ended her own life or will they shake it off as if nothing ever happened? The minute passes by and then Abi’s body is left for all those who wish to say goodbye may do so.

I walk out. I walk hastily down the halls until I’m far enough away from everyone. I lean against a wall as I take deep breaths to keep the tears from forming.

Footsteps echo through the hallway. I glance up and see Theo. His brown hair hangs loosely over his eyes. I guess that he was woken up too. Theo stands in front of me dressed in a tight-fitting black long-sleeved shirt and a pair of maroon sweatpants. His sneakers are inches away from my boots.

“Shouldn’t you be paying your respects to an innocent little girl?” I snap.

Theo sighs and places a hand on my shoulder. “She wasn’t innocent, Abhaya. There were things that were killing her inside. And shouldn’t you be paying yours to?”

“I-I just left.”

Theo nods. He wraps his arms around my waist, holding me close to him. Blood rushes to my face. I hesitate but I wrap my arms around his waist as I rest my head on his shoulder. I close my eyes and take another deep breath.

Guilt claws inside me as I breathe in and out. Guilt is a monster that haunts us forever. And it never lets us forget our mistakes. It makes us regret our decisions. And it’s always there no matter how much we want it to go; it stays with us forever.

Theo’s index finger lightly traces my spine. I don’t like him. I don’t like him. I don’t like him, I think. He’s just a friend. He’s just an instructor and a friend. Nothing else.

I unwrap my arms from Theo. Then he unwraps his arms from my waist.

“Are you good?” Theo asks.

“Yeah,” I say. “Yeah.”

Theo’s eyes meet mine and then he smiles at me. Small but sweet. He nods and then, without hesitation, he bends his neck down slightly and presses a light, soft kiss to my forehead.

Then, Theo leaves. I’m left in a hallway blushing. Heat rises in my face and neck. I shake it off. He didn’t do it because he likes me, he did it because he was just trying to comfort me. That’s all.

I walk back to the dorm and climb up into my bunk. My eyes close instantly. It’s been a long and tiring day. All I want is a dreamless sleep that’s all. But that’s a wish that can never be granted.

#

“Hi, I’m Abhaya,” I say, holding my hand out.

I stand in the foyer area of the new house. Donatella’s house is anything but small.

“Really? What type of name is that?” Linda asks in a snotty tone.

“I don’t know. My mom and dad chose it,” I say.

“Whatever.”

“I need someone to cook dinner!” Donatella screams as she exits kitchen. “Mrs. Smalls is off tonight because her stupid little son got sick! Oh, hello Arik, how are you?”

Dad smiles at Donatella. “I’m great. How are you Donatella?”

“Great. Can you make dinner tonight? I have to go back to the office tonight. It’s urgent,” Donatella pleads.

“Sure. Of course,” Dad says with a smile.

Donatella smiles and plants a kiss on Dad’s cheek. Gross! I walk away from their conversation to find Aj. Aj stands at the base of the stairs holding four boxes in his arms, staring up at the looming marble staircase that leads to our rooms. Aj smiles at me.

“Well this is our life now. Do you swear not to like them?” Aj asks.

“I promise. You’re my brother and I would never lie to you,” I say.

Aj smiles and sits the boxes down. Aj wraps his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. I wrap my arms around his neck and bury my head into the crook of his shoulder. I don’t want to sound creepy or anything but his scent is comforting. The scent of lemon and mint mix together making me feel at home again.

I pick up the boxes and start marching up the stairs. Aj follows me, laughing. I haven’t heard him laugh in the longest time. When mom was with us, all I would hear was Aj laughing or him talking to mom and dad; but now he’s quiet. Like a part of him died inside.

“Race you,” Aj teases.

“Hey no fair!” I exclaim as I pick up the pace. “I have four boxes. You have zero.”

Aj laughs. “Come on Little One, let’s go find our rooms.”

I smile and gently nudge Aj in the ribcage. Then, the two of us begin to laugh. I don’t want to tell Aj or dad that I’m scared of Donatella because I know that there are far more worst things to be afraid of in life.

I place the boxes in Aj’s room. I glance around his room. The walls are gray and bare. A desk sits in the corner, along with a bed covered in a navy-blue bedspread, and a bookshelf next to the desk. The room is small but larger than the room we shared when we lived in our now old apartment.

I exit Aj’s room and walk up two more staircases to my new room. As I make my way up the stairs, my brown hair begins to fall out of the sloppy ponytail that I styled in a hurry this morning. I never wanted this to happen but Dad’s happy now and that’s that matters to me. He’s happy for once and I support that.

When I make it up the stairs, six boxes full of: old papers, picture frames, books, clothes and junk wait for me to unload them outside my door. I sigh and pick up two of the boxes and take a peek in the room. It’s not like Aj’s or any of the other rooms in this house.

My new room is like the one Aj and I shared back home. I miss it already but we have a new start here and I think that it’ll be fine. I think that we’ll make. We always have.

I begin to unpack the boxes and sort through them. I hold onto the books and pictures while I set the papers and files to the side for Dad. I go back outside to pick up two more boxes and sort through them too. When I finish sorting through the boxes, I sigh in relief.

I pick up the files and papers, not bothering to look at them as I place them in a separate box to take downstairs later. Dad works for the Government and he files papers and Discs. I’ve always been curious about what Dad does but I never had the courage to ask him.

I cover my twin bed in a navy-blue quilt that my grandma made for me I was a baby. She stitched it all by hand and I still cherish it.

A loud knocking on my door snaps me out of my memory. The door almost flies off its hinges and standing in the doorway is Donatella. A scowl paints her face. I can tell that we are not going to get long at all.

“Do you know how to cook?” Donatella asks bitterly.

“With help,” I say.

“Good. Now, go downstairs and help your dad with dinner. But before you leave, we have some rules to go over. One, you’ll address me as Donatella, ma’am or mother. Two, you’ll call your dad father. Three, you stay away from my daughters unless they need help. Do you understand?” Donatella asks.

I nod. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. Now, go downstairs and help your father with dinner.”

I scurry out of my room, leaving the boxes behind. I run down the stairs toward the kitchen. I don’t stop until I find dad. He smiles at me. Gentle and sweet. I’m his only blood daughter and I pray that he won’t forget that.

“Hi, Dad,” I chirp.

Dad smiles. “Hi, Abhaya. Are you down here to help me with dinner?”

“Yep. What are we having tonight?”

“Hmm… I was thinking bread with a salad and some chicken maybe,” Dad says.

“Perfect. Can I help make the salad?” I ask, hoping he’ll say yes.

Dad chuckles. “Sure. Come on, Abhaya, let’s get dinner ready.”

I smile and follow dad into the kitchen. I begin rummaging and opening draws to find knives, utensils, and plates and cups. Dad finds the ingredients for a salad, then he finds a loaf of fresh bread on the windowsill, and a chicken in the somehow running refrigerator.

I run the lettuce under cool water as I wash it while dad seasons the chicken with spices and other seasonings that I’ve never heard of in my life. I place the lettuce on a towel and dry it off. Then, I wash the carrots and peel them. Soon, the kitchen is filled with the scent of spices, bread, and herbs. It’s almost like home again. It really is.

When I go into the dining room to set the table, Linda and Lillie look at me. Their faces are full of hate and anger. I shrug my shoulders and place forks and knives on the table, making a clockwise rotation. I sit the final utensil on the table and stand up straight.

“Can I help you?” I ask.

“Yeah, well actually you can,” Linda says, hate building up in each word she spits out.

“What can I help you with then?”

Linda crosses her arms over her chest. Linda wears a pink blouse with a pair of blue jeans and a pair of lavender ballet flats. Her red hair falls in tight and springy curls around her face. Lillie looks the same but she wears baby blue ballet flats and follows her older sister’s suite.

“What are we having for dinner? Mother wants to know,” Lillie demands.

“You’ll find out when it’s time. No if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go see my brother,” I say.

Linda and Lillie’s faces turn into a scowl. Oh God no. I slowly turn around and start walking toward the staircase to Aj’s room.

“You’re mean,” Linda and Lillie sneer together.

I sigh and shake my head. This may not be the best family, but dad is happy and that’s all that matters to me. I make my way up the stairs and find Aj waiting for me at the top. He smiles when he sees me.

“Abhaya, what are we having for dinner tonight? It smells delicious,” Aj asks.

“Chicken, salad, and bread,” I sing with glee.

Aj chuckles and wraps his arms around me, bringing me into a gentle hug. He’s elven but he never lets me forget that he’s my older brother and he’s never ashamed to show that.

Footsteps echo in the hallway. Heels click softly against the carpet. Donatella stands behind Aj. I glance up and see her hard, and cold black eyes. Her blond hair is twisted into a sleek and perfect tight bun. How can she wear her hair that tight?

“Excuse me,” Donatella says coldly, “I need you to move.”

I unwrap my arms from Aj and I stare at her. Donatella is dressed in a gray blazer with a white button-up shirt, a gray pencil skirt, and cloud white three-inch heels. Her expression is hard as stone and her gray eyes look as if they could pierce through your soul.

Aj and I move over to the other side of the hallway. Donatella descends down the stairs gracefully like a queen. Her posture is perfect and her head is held high.

I leave Aj and follow Donatella down the stairs. The marble stairs are covered in an ugly beige carpet and the banisters are painted a snow-white color. Donatella has no sense of color coordination at all.

A pleasant aroma comes from the kitchen but I hear voices talking in the kitchen. No, it isn’t talking, it’s arguing. Already? What happened? I can hear Donatella shrieking like a Banshee and I’m six feet away from the door.

“I wanted bread, pancakes, eggs, fruit, and oatmeal! Not this simple stuff!” Donatella complains.

“I’m sorry darling but Abhaya and I came up with this. The chicken is full of flavor though,” Dad says as he attempts persuade Donatella.

“Fine. But in the future, you mustn’t do this ever again. Do you understand?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Good.”

I duck out of the doorway as the door swings open. My heart hammers in my chest. No one can know what I just heard. No one. They aren’t even married yet! Well not for another week at least.

I sit on a couch in the sitting room while I wait. I hide from Donatella, praying that she didn’t know or notice that I could hear their conversation outside the kitchen. The living room is painted in a French gray and the window frames are painted a white. Gray and white means that you work for the Government.

I never understood why they chose those colors though. It seems pointless but I know that there’s a meaning behind the colors. White symbolizes purity and gray symbolizes sophistication or formality.

Dad comes in the living room. A fake smile is plastered on his face. I can tell it’s fake by looking at his eyes. I look up at him and smile.

“Dinner’s ready,” he says. “Can you go get your brother?”

I nod and get up. I run up the stairs and find Aj sitting in the hallway reading a book. Aj’s eyes concentrate on the words as he reads the pages. I smile. The both of us value knowledge and books just as some people value beauty and grace.

“Dinner’s ready,” I say.

Aj looks up from his book. “Oh. Okay. I’ll be down in a moment.”

I nod. “Okay.”

I go back downstairs. I’m dressed in a pair of blue jeans and a black long-sleeved shirt and a pair of battered maroon sneakers with fraying laces. I smile at dad when I see him. He hands me the salad bowl and I take it to the table and sit it down. Linda, Lillie, and Donatella come in the dining room with hate filling their eyes. Here we go.

Aj comes and joins us. Aj is dressed in a pair of black jeans and a maroon shirt spotted with black. I smile and the six of us sit down at the table eating but it’s quiet.

After we’re finished eating, Dad, Aj, and I clean up the dishes while Donatella leaves. That leaves Linda and Lillie with us. The two of them leave the room and the three of us are left alone.

Aj and I wash the dishes by hand as Dad places them back in the cupboards. The sun sets outside as we’re finishing our chores. The sky is beautiful especially during summer. Blues, pinks, and purples paint the sky and swirl together as the sun sets over the buildings and lakes.

I smile. Every night during summer, mom used to watch the sunset with Aj and I. Sometimes Dad would join us as long as he didn’t have to stay at work late that day. The four of us would sit in chairs on the balcony and watch the sunset as we ate strawberries and drank sweet iced-tea.

I smile at the memory. Those were the best days we had. They always were. Mom and Dad would laugh and joke as Aj and I got strawberry juice all over our faces.

I go upstairs to my room to get ready for bed. It’s only eight but Aj and I have plans for tomorrow morning. We’re going to get up early and we’re going outside to watch the sunrise. But, as I make my way up the stairs, Linda and Lillie yank me by the arm and I stumble back.

“She’s our mother and you can’t have her,” Linda says rudely. “Remember that.”

“I don’t think that I could forget that honestly. It would be hard to,” I say.

I keep climbing the stairs to my room and find my black shorts and a loose maroon shirt. I throw on the clothes and take the ponytail out of my hair. I smile and crawl into bed.

I pray that I’ll be safe here as long as Aj and Dad are here because they’re the only people I trust in this world. The only people. They know all my secrets, regrets, and dreams. I wouldn’t be complete without them.

My eyes snap open and it’s still dark out. I sit up and my heart beats at a steady pace in my chest and my breathing is controlled. I sigh and lay back down. My whole body aches from training and I feel stiff.

My legs are sore and I can barely move them. My arms are like puppet strings. They’re limp and hang just like string. Just in general, my body feels as if it’s being weighed down my water.

I close my eyes and pull the blanket over my head. Last night’s event come crashing back to me like the waves of an ocean on a shore.

Abi’s body.

The blood.

The cuts and gashes on her small body.

Closed eyes.

Her chest not rising.

Her hair over her shoulders drenched in water.

Her smile will never be seen again.

The sunshine of TID will never laugh or smile again. We’ll never hear her voice or her singing ‘good morning’.

The pain and guilt consume me as I try to block out the memory. But it doesn’t work. I feel responsible for her death but I know that I wasn’t the reason why. There were secrets and information that she knew about and it was destroying her. She didn’t tell any of us for her sake.

I open my eyes again. I can’t sleep. Not anymore. I’m awake and I want to get up. I throw my sheet and blanket back. I’m still dressed in my clothes from yesterday and I have an idea.

I climb down from my bunk and exit the dorm as quietly as I can. I make my way down toward the training room. I find the door unlocked and I enter. I find a punching bag and I begin to practice.

I feel the guilt, pain, and regret leave my body as I kick and punch the bag. As sweat rolls down my neck and face, a smile spreads across my face. I can’t help but feel happy. My hair begins to fall out of my ponytail and stick to my face due to the amount of sweat that forms on my face.

I take my jacket off and wrap it around my waist. My arms are red and my knuckles begin to split from the rough and scratchy fabric. Blood begins to seep out of the cuts on my knuckles.

For once, I feel like I can let go of my past and that I have a new chance at life. I’m a bird spreading my wings and learning to fly. And one day I’ll be soaring through the skies. One day. One day I’ll be free from my old life and I’ll start all over.

The door clicks open and I freeze. Someone comes in and I turn around. A friendly smile greets me. Theo.

“Hey,” Theo says. “Good morning.”

“Hi,” I say. “I’ll leave if you need me to.”

“No, I like seeing you work on the techniques we’ve been teaching. Not to sound creepy or weird.”

I smile. “Thanks. I should leave though.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later, Abhaya. Or should I say Phoenix,” Theo teases.

“Remind me to come up with a nickname for Theo,” I mutter softly as I exit the training room.

I hear Theo laughing softly in the distance. There is so much here that I don’t understand; yet, there is so much I do know.

The bell rings and the morning stampede to breakfast begins. I walk along the wall as I make my down to the cafeteria along with a bunch of hungry people. The sound of talking, running, laughing, and children shrieking makes me forget about last night’s event and how we all felt remorse and shame.

I look around the crowd of people and see some adults dressed in all black as a look of sorrow paints their faces. Even young children are.

I somehow manage to find Kayla and Mia in the sea of people. They too are dressed in black but not fully, just a shirt and pants, that’s all. But they smile when they see me.

“Morning, Abhaya,” Mia says with a smile. “Where were you this morning?”

“I couldn’t sleep so I went down to the training room,” I say.

“That explains a lot,” Peter interjects. “I mean your hair’s damp and your face is shiny from sweat and all.”

The five of us laugh and Mia jabs Peter in the ribcage. Trey wraps his arms around Kayla and she squeals with joy. I forgot what real joy was but now I feel as if I remember it.

When we enter the cafeteria, everything is like it was before Abi jumped last night. I guess that here in TID you move on faster but the memories hold onto to you.

I get in line and pick up a plate. The same and familiar smell of bacon, eggs, toast, and coffee waft through the air. I take half a scoop of eggs, a slice of toast, and a cup of coffee.

I sit down at a table with Mia, Kayla, Trey, and Peter. Peter sits across from Peter and Trey sits across from Kayla. When I sit down, they start talking and leaning over the table. Trey presses a kiss to Kayla’s forehead and Peter does the same.

Mia and Kayla laugh as their faces turn pink. They turn toward me and smile. I smile back and then, the three of us begin to laugh. Peter and Trey look at us with dumb-found looks on their faces.

“What the heck was that?” Trey asks, surprised.

The three of us shrug and resume eating our food. The three of us finish and I stand up. I don’t want to be weak and soft but being selfless is one of the lessons my mom taught me.

“No matter who needs help you should always help them, Abhaya. No matter their status, race, sexuality, or gender always help others,” she’d say. “In a world full of selfishness and cruelty be the one who changes the world; not the one who worsens it.”

“I’ll take those for you guys,” I say, offering to take their plates.

“Oh, thank you, Abhaya you don’t have to,” Mia says.

“No, no, no, I got it. It’s fine,” I say, shrugging off Mia’s offer.

“Okay. Thank you, Abhaya,” Kayla says with a smile.

I balance the load of three plates and cups on my forearms. Before my eyes, two figures come whizzing by me, causing me to spin around. Nick and Lee. They’re idiots and don’t know how to act like normal people.

The bell rings and the daily routine begins once more. As we walk down to the training room, Mia and Kayla begin to discuss the tattoos they want to get later.

“I’m thinking about getting a wolf paw-print tattooed on the side of my shoulder,” Kayla says confidently. “Mia?”

“I was thinking about getting an arrow on the inside of my arm,” Mia says. “Are you guys excited to get tattoos?”

“Yes!” Kayla, Trey, Peter, and I chime.

We start laughing as we walk with the rest of the unit. Everything is normal. We carry on without Abi even though she’s dead. We act as if nothing happened and it’s another normal day.

But one thought keeps running through my mind, why do I even care when Abi wasn’t my close friend? I shut her out like I do to everyone who gets close to me. I always do. Because that’s the thing about friendship, people will pretend to be your friend one day and then the next day, they’re spreading rumors about you and they leave you.

Pain is real and it’s always there. Sometimes it’s so much, we can barely handle it on our own. When you feel pain you either scream and let it out or you bottle it up and then you explode from the pressure inside. Pain is either your friend or your enemy. You get to choose.

Good or bad? Let it out or keep it in? Tell someone or keep it to yourself? These are the questions we keep to ourselves because for every action we make; a reaction occurs. It’ll be good or it’ll cause pain to us and to our loved ones.

In this world, you choose your actions and your words. Once you do or say it, they’re permanent. They’re stuck and you can’t change anything about it. Nothing.

Words are here and here to stay. There’s nothing you can say or do to get rid of them. Nothing.