LOST

I’ve never kept a journal before, so these first few entries may be a bit sloppy and disorganized. Alex is gone and it’s taking a large amount of effort to complete a thought. I had known her for little more than a month but what we shared could fill up dozens of lifetimes. And now, I suppose, I have the opportunity to see just how much sorrow dozens of lifetimes can carry. Grandpa told me once, “The most beautiful things in life are the things that cause you the most pain. And the things that hurt you the most are the most beautiful things in the world.” Hokey and sentimental, I know. But I need hokey and sentimental right now.

I never told her I love her. Not to her face, anyway. How am I supposed to deal with all of this happening at once? I never asked to be immortal. Where the hell is the fun in living forever if I can’t spend it with the one I love? And what good is being able to do magic if I can’t bring her back? This is all bullcrap and I know I’m being whiny, but I think I’ve earned the right. I just want her back.

Wiz said this journal thing is supposed to help but I don’t see that happening today. Wish me better luck tomorrow. Alex, if you’re looking over my shoulder reading this, please, forgive me for not telling you everything earlier. I hope you know that I love you, even though I never had the guts to say it. I can’t bring myself to say goodbye. I’m sorry. I love you, Alex, and that’s the only thing I’m sure of right now. I know it won’t make me feel any better, like Samal said, but I will spend eternity preparing myself to kill Zachary, even if I never get the opportunity.

It was interesting, to say the least, to hear people I don’t know shouting out my name as if I were a rock star or something. Still, if I could trade that experience for having just one more night with you, I would do it. For now, I will have to be happy, Alex, in the thought that your soul is now free to fly as high as it can dream.