Losers: Part I

“Ugh, God, I can’t believe they showed up here,” Danielle said, her voice low with disgust as she took a quick glance at the four men who’d just arrived. “Remember when they used to be scared to be at the same parties as us?” She rolled her eyes. “Ever since Mrs. Peters took Manson as her little charity case, now he and his friends show up everywhere.”

I nodded along as she kept complaining. The fire was far too warm and my leg wouldn’t stop bouncing. I tried to focus on what she was saying, but my stomach was full of butterflies and it was impossible to concentrate.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I kept glancing over at them, those four darkly dressed men with guarded expressions. They knew I was here and they were looking back, watching me with the same caution I was watching them with.

Danielle was right. There had been a time when they never would have set foot at the same party as me or anyone else in the popular crowd. But that was the past, and as everyone had gotten older, the lines between “us” and “them” had blurred. The popular kids and the outcasts didn’t have such a wall between them anymore, but mingling groups inevitably led to conflict.

Not everything could be forgiven and forgotten, no matter how much time had passed.

I was sitting with three of the men who’d tried to beat Manson to a bloody pulp for making out with me. Honestly, it had been so damn satisfying to see them all knocked down a few pegs when Manson scared the shit out of them with that knife.

But Alex, Nate, and Matthew hardly looked scared now. They looked pissed, tense. It was obvious that with Kyle gone, Alex had slid into his place as some kind of unspoken leader. I’d seen enough brawls in my life to know that his simmering tension would likely result in fists thrown.

Excusing myself, I hurriedly got out of my seat and walked away from the fire to rummage for another drink in one of the coolers.

A shiver went up the back of my neck as I was fishing around in the ice, but it wasn’t from the cold.

“Jessica fucking Martin.”

The voice behind me was a harsh whisper, rough with bitterness. I knew instantly who it was.

I turned, bottle in hand, a sarcastic smile on my face. “Lucas fucking Bent. Is that how we do greetings now?”

There was a weight to Lucas’s deep-set eyes that was suffocating, and it only grew heavier when I spoke. He looked at me like he wanted to peel back my flesh and see the bones beneath. He was wearing a black tank top and ragged denim jeans, his folded arms covered with the bold lines of numerous tattoos.

The happy face inked on his cheek mocked me. So damn cheerful despite the scowl on his face.

“Long time, no see,” Jason said as he came to stand by Lucas’s side, his eyes moving coldly over every inch of my exposed skin.

We were standing at the back of Nate’s white truck, and the cab hid us from those around the fire. But nerves still roiled in my stomach as I looked at Vincent, watching me with slyly narrowed eyes from behind Lucas.

I shouldn’t have indulged in those fantasies about them. How the hell was I supposed to act normal around men I’d imagined fucking me until I screamed, tying me up and making me crawl like an obedient little slut?

They were only fantasies, but if given the chance, these men could make them real. I licked my lower lip, drawing it into my mouth and biting down until I risked drawing blood. I desperately needed this drink.

“Bonfire too warm for you?” There was a teasing tone in Vincent’s voice. “Or does something else have you feeling hot…and bothered?” He reached over and gave Jason a nudge, the two of them chuckling like it was an inside joke.

It was like they knew. As if Jason’s bright blue eyes could see straight into my soul.

I curled my lip at their teasing grins. “Oh please, don’t flatter yourselves. Move along.” I waved my hand at them as if to shoo them out of my way. I doubted I was the only one beating back dirty thoughts, not that I’d ever admit to it.

Lucas didn’t move. He stood in front of me like a barricade, his hard expression daring me to step around him.

“We’ll take three beers before you go,” he said, a cold challenge in his voice.

I laughed at his utterly ludicrous request. He wanted me to fetch beers for them?

“Uh, no, you can get your beers yourself.” I was trying to get the cap off my bottle, but my hand kept slipping. Were these not twist-offs? The hell?

Lucas snatched the bottle from my hands, set it against his molars, and popped the cap off with his teeth before offering it back to me. Something fiery exploded in me as I stared at his fingers wrapped tight around the cold glass.

That shouldn’t have been hot, but…fuck.

“You think I want that now that your mouth has been on it?” I said, unable to muster up my usual venom. It was so embarrassing how uncertain I sounded.

When Lucas laughed, it wasn’t pleasant. It wasn’t nice. It was the kind of laugh you heard before someone died in a horror film.

“I think you’d like my mouth on more than this bottle,” he said. Vincent and Jason exchanged another amused glance, and I had the distinct feeling that I was being laughed at.

“Hey now, let’s play nice, kids,” Vincent said. “Why don’t you be a good girl, Jess? The cooler is right there.” He glanced behind me, his eyes widening pointedly. “The beers, please.”

Good girl. He really dared to say that to me. That phrase had a way of squirming deep into my brain and latching on, its poisonous bite making my knees weak and my palms sweaty.

A traitorous little voice inside me wanted to obey. It wanted to feel the satisfaction of giving in.

With a furious exhale, I tossed each of them a beer with the sourest expression I could muster. Just because I was obeying didn’t mean I was going to act happy about it. Lucas looked so damn smug as he took the bottle from my hands.

I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of another reaction. I avoided his eyes as I squeezed myself past him, trying not to deeply inhale his scent, but I got a whiff of it anyway.

Dark like black pepper, but there was a hint of something soft, like jasmine. It made me hesitate for a moment, my breath catching slightly as he looked down at me.

God, why did he look at me like that? Like he was enraged and fascinated at once. Or like he was holding something back…

I turned away from him, only to abruptly encounter another problem. A tall, pale, dark-eyed problem with a grin that ran an icy finger up my spine.

“I told them to be nice,” Manson said. I’d already caught my breath; but finding myself so close to him made me forget to breathe entirely.

His arms were bare and, like Lucas, he was far more heavily inked than when I’d last seen him. The twisted body of a snake was tattooed around his shoulders, the lines barely visible above his shirt collar. He plucked the beer from Vincent’s hand — who gasped with overexaggerated offense — then popped the top and handed it to me. “No drool on this bottle, I promise. I’ll punish these clowns later for their bad behavior.”

“Oh no, Daddy Manson is angry!” Vincent laughed. Jason clutched his heart, adopting a look of abject horror in Manson’s direction.

“Please forgive us, Jess,” he said, clasping his hands dramatically. “Tell Manson you forgive us.”

“No,” I deadpanned, rolling my eyes at their antics even though my insides were quivering to have them all so close to me. These men had trampled all over my pride the last time I’d seen them, yet no hook-up since had come close to replicating what I’d experienced with them — complete and total submission, if only for a night.

And Manson…

Manson had opened my eyes to a world I’d never known I so desperately wanted to be a part of.

I couldn’t look at his lips without remembering their taste. His eyes were intense; not heavy like Lucas’s or sharp like Jason’s. They were eerie, like a vague silhouette in the dark, a whisper in an empty house.

“You’re in my way,” I said softly. I pressed two sharp acrylic nails against his chest, giving him a little push. “Move.”

I’d called him Master that night, the last time I’d seen him. I could still remember how it had felt rolling off my tongue. How sweetly natural, how deliciously right.

But it wasn’t right. Me and him, me and them, could never be right.

Manson didn’t move. He spread his arms with a shrug and said, “Looks like there’s plenty of ways to walk around me.”

Sure, I could have easily stepped around him, but now it was the principle of the thing. He needed to move because I said so, and he wasn’t going to — for exactly the same reason.

Clearly, we would both just have to stand there glaring at each other until we died.

Manson searched my face as I stared back stubbornly, a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth. “Is it really that hard to give an inch, Jess?”

“Yeah, Jess.” Jason meandered closer beside me, sipping his beer. “Can’t even give an inch when Manson gave you eight?”

Manson snorted, utterly failing at holding back a laugh as my face tightened with embarrassment. “So you do think about it.”

“Excuse me?” I sputtered. “I don’t think about anything. I —” I stopped abruptly at more laughter from Vincent and Jason, realizing exactly what I’d said. I was really doing a fantastic job of appearing calm and collected. “I don’t think about it, Manson. Why would I still be dwelling on something that happened years ago?”

He looked so damn pleased with himself. He thought he was so smart, didn’t he? As if he had it all figured out, as if he had me figured out.

“Don’t worry, Jess, it’s not only you.” Vincent shot Manson a mischievous look. “Manson thinks about it too. He still has your panties in his drawer.”

Now it was my turn to laugh. The satisfaction of seeing Manson Reed’s face turn the slightest shade of pink instantly put me in a better mood. He glanced over at Vincent and said flatly, “I really am going to beat your ass later.”

All right, time to get it together.

“Well, as much fun as this has been, you’re still in my way,” I said, sighing. “Congratulations, yes, you all got a piece. Woooo, I sucked your dicks!” I gave a mocking pom-pom shake with my hands. “I can tell that it was, like, a really big deal for all of you. Sorry about the lack of action in your lives, but…” I shrugged. “A dick is a dick, and you’re all just four on the list.”

I jumped as Lucas growled in my ear, “Tell me how many of the dicks on your list were pierced, then?”

Of course he had to bring that up. I already couldn’t look at him without my brain becoming a giant marquee that flashed: Pierced Dick, One Night Only, Get Your Fill of Some Prime Pierced Dick!

Lucas nodded as if my silence proved his point. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Can’t forget that so easily, can you?”

I needed all of them to get away from me before I fell down into another orgy rabbit hole. Arguing with them wasn’t only making me flustered — it was turning me on. Every biting word they said made me a little more excited.

How far could I push them? How far would they push me? I liked a challenge, but these men managed to shake the very foundations of my confidence. Not knowing if I could win made it that much more thrilling.

“Is there a problem here?”

All the boys turned. Alex stood behind Manson, with Nate and Matthew behind him. Their expressions were grim, their stances tense. This party was about to have much bigger problems than some petty teasing.

To say these men had a problem with each other was an understatement. Alex, Nate, and Matthew had all backed up my ex when he’d gone after Manson, but Alex and Lucas had beef of their own too.

Junior year, Lucas had smashed a glass bottle on Alex’s head and knocked him out cold in the middle of the cafeteria. Five stitches and a short hospital stay later, Alex came back with a scar and Lucas never returned. Expelled.

I could still see that scar on Alex’s forehead, partially covered by his hair. People said Lucas had tried to kill him, but honestly? I didn’t believe it.

If Lucas had tried to kill him, Alex would be dead.

I should have walked the hell away from that mess. But my first instinct was to step between Alex and Manson, smile sweetly, and say, “No problems. We’re good.”

Alex looked like I’d slapped him. Then fury overtook his face, his jaw clenching so tight that a blue vein swelled near his temple. He was wrong if he’d thought he could swoop in and rescue me, as if I was some damsel in distress. This was my confrontation. I didn’t need him bringing his own grievances into it.

“We’re just catching up,” Manson said. I was so close to him that when he shifted, he brushed against my back. “How’ve you been, Alex?”

I didn’t understand how he could be so calm talking to the very man who’d been violent toward him on more than one occasion. But this wasn’t the first time Manson’s self-control had taken me by surprise.

“Can’t complain.” Alex said. “I saw y’all pull in. Noticed you didn’t bring the El Camino tonight.” He smiled, but the expression didn’t reach his eyes. “Shame about whoever keyed it.”

“You still owe me for that,” Lucas said darkly. He’d stepped closer so he was right at Manson’s side, cold hatred written all over his face.

“Chill out, Bent,” Alex said. “I didn’t touch your goddamn car. But even if I did, it’s only fair. You cut up my head, I cut up your ride.” He shrugged. “That would make us almost even.”

There was a shuffle and Manson bumped against me. I glanced back to see he had whipped out his arm to stop Lucas from charging forward. He was braced against Lucas’s chest, Vincent’s hand was gripping Lucas’s shoulder, and Jason, from behind him, said softly, “Let it go, bro.”

But Lucas looked far beyond simply letting it go. Matthew’s fists were clenched and Nate cracked his knuckles, the tension thickening with every audible pop.

“Would you all quit it?” I snapped. “Jesus Christ, what are we, sixteen?”

“Never knew you to be such a pacifist, Jess,” Alex said. At least he finally dragged his eyes away from Lucas. “You suddenly think they’re good guys now that you fucked one of them?”

I swallowed thickly, folding my arms. I hadn’t told anyone except my best friend, Ashley, about hooking up with Manson. But apparently, the rumor had still gotten around.

I lifted my chin, knowing confidence was worth more than any petty insults. “Oh my God, Alex, get over it. Seriously, stop being a dick. Do you want to end up with the cops called and this whole thing shut down early?”

“Is that a threat?” Alex took one step toward me, shocking me with how rapidly his anger came to focus on me.

There was a soft sound, the scrape of metal on metal. Alex twitched as he lifted his eyes from my face.

“I’d suggest backing the fuck up,” Jason said, his voice low. He’d stepped forward to stand on my left, and Manson nudged closer against my back. Vincent stepped up on my right, still keeping a grip on Lucas’s shoulder.

“Chill out, McAllister,” Vincent said, his usual jovial tone significantly subdued. “Plenty of room here for all of us, isn’t there?”

To judge by Alex’s expression, the whole town wasn’t big enough for all of them. He sucked his teeth, shaking his head.

“I knew you all were cowards,” he said. His mouth twisted with disgust, his eyes aimed right at Lucas. “Good thing you got your friends to make sure you don’t start fights you can’t win.”

Lucas lunged, and this time, not even Manson and Vincent could hold him back. He got in front of me, right in Alex’s face, the two of them staring each other down with clenched fists.

“Try me, motherfucker,” Lucas hissed. “Come on. Fucking try me.”

Alex spread his arms. “I’m right here! Too scared to throw a punch?”

I was certain I was about to see bloodshed. But Manson reached out, grabbed Lucas’s shoulder, and jerked him back. For a moment, Lucas looked so livid I thought his fury was going to find a new target, but Manson didn’t waver.

“If you’ve got a score to settle, do it behind the wheel,” he said, his eyes moving between Lucas and Alex. “This is bullshit.”

“Name the time and place,” Alex said.

“Next Friday,” Lucas said tightly. “We’ll meet at the bridge off Ellis Street, 10 pm.”

Alex smirked. “All right, I’ll be there. Better bring your friends.” He looked down at me, his eyes lingering long enough to give me an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. “Gets real dark down those old roads. It isn’t safe to wander out there alone.” He was speaking to Lucas, but it felt more like a warning for me. “We’ll be seeing you.”

Alex spat on the ground before he turned and stalked away, his friends moving with him. They rejoined Danielle, who was staring at me with wide eyes as if she couldn’t make sense of what was happening. I was left with a pounding heart, nervous energy turning my stomach.

Then I saw the flash of a blade as it was tucked back into Manson’s pocket.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I gasped. Manson’s glare was still fixed on Alex, his fingers digging into Lucas’s shoulder. “Don’t start shit. The knife? Really?”

“Don’t start shit, she says.” Lucas shook his head as he broke away from Manson’s hold, rubbing his hand roughly over his buzzed hair. He tipped back his beer, drained the bottle, and muttered, “I need another fucking drink.”

People were staring, murmuring to each other. But I didn’t feel vulnerable until the boys stepped away from me, finally doing what I’d demanded all along and getting out of my way. Once they stepped back, the bravery I’d felt when I got between Manson and Alex was gone.

Manson was looking at me strangely, his expression unreadable. I glanced over at Danielle, who mouthed, What are you doing?

A great question, and one I couldn’t even answer.

I sighed heavily, turning away from Manson and the others. My fingers were freezing from how tightly I was gripping my beer, and I was ready to get back to having a nice normal night out.

I needed this feeling inside me to die. This weird, shameful longing. This feeling that I’d done something wrong.

“Do you think you can keep pretending it didn’t happen?”

I whirled around. Manson was smirking at me, hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. The expression I’d found unreadable before was obvious now. It was anger. He was angry at me.

I walked back toward him. “What the hell does that mean?”

His smirk widened as I stood toe to toe with him. “Your cheeks got red the second you saw us. You fantasize about it.” I opened my mouth to protest, but he cut me off. “That wasn’t a question. It’s obvious. Every time you get on your knees for some handsome airhead, you think it would be a lot more fun if I’d ordered you to do it, don’t you? Maybe you even hear my voice in your head, telling you to kneel like a good girl, and it gets you wet enough to actually enjoy that subpar dick you’ve been fooling yourself with for the past few years.”

Rage bubbled up inside me, overflowing as it seared through every limb. “How dare you say that to me —”

“Why? It’s true. I can see it in your eyes, Jess, I can see it.” The boys were watching, but Manson kept his voice low. “I know what it looks like when you lie. You wanted that night to be a fun little experiment. Everyone’s wild in college, right? No big deal.” He lowered his voice even further, bringing his mouth close to my ear. “But what happens when the experiment is too good? Turns out you’re just as perverted as the freaks, but that doesn’t fit Jessica Martin’s grand life plan, does it?” Venom dripped from his voice, so shockingly angry that I held my breath. “You go chasing dick and realize none of it is quite as good. It’s not the same. So you close your eyes and imagine it’s one of us instead.”

I looked at him in utter disbelief. I was so furious I barely trusted myself to speak. “You’re disgusting.”

He nodded slowly, as if he’d expected this all along. “Have a good night, Jess.”

I scoffed. “What, are you dismissing me?”

“You spent the last five minutes telling me to move,” he said, turning back to get a beer of his own. “I moved. You’re right. I shouldn’t start shit. I made that mistake last time.”

Mistake. So it had just been a mistake to him.

All the furious words that wanted to pour out of my mouth wouldn’t come. My chest ached, and my hands shook. He was right, but I could never, ever admit that to him.

I walked away before any more foolish words spilled out of me. I’d ghosted them. Me. It had been my choice, and I wasn’t taking it back now.