Kiss and Don’t Tell

My suitcase rolls behind me, echoing with empty promises of what it was supposed to represent.

Adventure.

Excitement.

Closure.

But instead, it’s a reminder of how I can’t seem to get it together.

Stopping at the door of the townhome I share with Max and Katherine, I fish for my key in my purse. I dig my hand in, searching, just as the door opens, revealing dearest Katherine in a robe, her hair perched on the top of her head in a bun, and her glasses pushed against her face, a disapproving look in her eyes.

“Did you lose your key?” She crosses her arms.

“I can’t seem to find it.”

She tosses her arms in the air and says, “I’ll be calling a locksmith. We need a whole new set now.”

She walks away and I sigh as I roll my suitcase into the entryway and leave it there. “How did you even know I was home?”

“The Ring camera,” she says while scanning me up and down. “You seem sad. Did something happen?”

“Who are you talking to?” Max says, coming down the stairs. When his eyes meet mine, he comes barreling down the rest of the stairs and pulls me into a huge hug.

His familiar arms wrap around me.

My emotions erupt.

And before I know it, my tears come crashing down as I bury my head in his chest.

“Oh shit, Winnie, what’s going on?”

“She lost her key,” Katherine says. “Trust me, I’m upset about it too, but I’ll call the locksmith and we’ll have this all sorted out.” She pats my shoulder coldly.

“I don’t think it’s about her key, Katherine.” Max walks me down the hall and into the living room, where we take a seat on the couch. His hand smooths over the back of my head and he asks, “What’s going on? Is everything okay with Pacey?”

I shake my head.

“Told you it wasn’t about the stupid key,” Max sneers at Katherine.

“Well, I’d be devastated if I lost a key.”

“Hence why you’re still single,” Max shoots back.

“From the looks of it, we’re all single, so not sure how you’re proving your point.”

I lift up my head and look between my two friends with blurry eyes. “What’s going on here?”

Max leans in. “She’s driving me crazy. I didn’t realize how much you acted as a buffer until you were gone.”

Katherine motions her hand at Max. “He has no regard for my needs.”

“For the tenth time, we are not buying a twelve-pack of tasers. No one in their right mind needs that many.”

“You don’t know that.”

Max pinches his nose and takes a deep breath. When he’s done, he looks at me and with soft eyes, he asks, “What happened with Pacey?”

“Broke things off,” I answer, more tears streaming down my face as I recall what happened.

Pacey was right—the drive between Seattle and Vancouver really isn’t that bad, but what made it almost unbearable was replaying our fight over and over in my head.

I lie back on the sofa and stare up at the plaster ceiling. “I ran into Josh.”

“What?” Max nearly shouts.

“Oh my God, has he been following you? I know someone down at the police department. We can get a restraining order filled out in a snap.” Katherine snaps her fingers.

I shake my head. “It was an insane coincidence. When I was in Banff, Josh contacted me—”

“Hold up. Why are we only hearing about this now?” Max asks. “This is shit you need to tell us when it happens.”

“I felt weird about it. I didn’t know what to say, honestly. He was telling me he made a mistake and he really needed to talk to me. Since I was with Pacey, I really didn’t want to get involved with anything to do with Josh. Pacey already hated him so much. I ignored him, but then when I was getting groceries to make Pacey dinner, I ran into Josh. He just moved to Vancouver.”

“Wow, the universe really wanted you to talk to him,” Max says.

“He had cancer.”

“What?” Katherine says this time. “Pacey or Josh?”

“Josh.” I look at my friends. “That’s why he treated me the way he did. He didn’t want to ‘put me through his illness’ when I was already helping my mom. He didn’t think it was fair, so he pushed me away.”

“What a way to fucking do it,” Max says, anger in his voice. “The prick made you miserable.”

“He apologized for the way he went about it.”

“Hold on.” Max forces me to look him directly in the eyes. “Are you trying to tell us that you’re getting back together with Josh? Is that why you’re here, why things ended with Pacey? Because you’re getting back together with Josh? I’m telling you right now, that would be the biggest mistake of your life. Yeah, Josh was okay, but he wasn’t the guy for you. But the way you talked about Pacey, the confidence I saw emerging in you, the way you interacted with him, it was amazing, Win.”

“Not that I agree with the way you met Pacey,” Katherine says, “but I do believe what Max is saying is you have seemed happier.”

“I’m not getting back with Josh. That ship has sailed. I can see now that he wasn’t the guy for me, and I’m sure he’ll find the perfect person for himself, but that person isn’t me.”

“So then, what happened with Pacey?” Max asks, confused.

I’m confused as well. I’m not exactly sure what happened.

“I got home and he was pissed. Livid, actually. When I asked him what was going on, he accused me of taking a long time at the store.” Or rather, testing me to see if I’d tell him the truth.

“Controlling. You don’t want to be with anyone who’s controlling,” Katherine says. “They’re the ones who flip a switch one day, and then all of a sudden, you’re tied up in the basement.”

“Jesus Christ, Katherine,” Max groans. “You think everyone is going to lock you in the basement. Get a grip.” Max turns to me. “That’s where you ran into Josh?”

I nod. “Yeah, and Pacey was getting me flowers before he came home, so he saw me. Josh was embracing me. When I got back to his place, he lost it. He asked why I was meeting up with Josh.”

“Oof, yeah, that couldn’t have gone over well in his head. I get where he’s coming from. He’s slightly possessive, from what you’ve told us. Seeing you with someone else set him off.”

“That’s not what broke things apart.”

“What did?” Katherine asks.

“Pacey knew exactly who Josh was even though I never showed him a picture.”

“Google stalking—I approve,” Katherine says.

I shake my head. “No, he knows who Josh is because Josh is actually Pacey’s half-brother.”

“What?” Max shouts, leaping to his feet. He glances around the room and then back at me. “Am I in some weird soap opera and don’t know it?”

“I wish,” I say, leaning back against the couch cushion. “Pacey has known for a while and never said anything to me. It turned into this fight about if he was using me to get back at his brother for being a dick to their dad. To him asking if I was still into Josh. To . . . God knows what. We blew up at each other, and before I knew what was happening, I was packing my bag and leaving.”

“Wow,” Max says while dropping back down on the couch. “That’s insane. Okay, two things. Firstly—didn’t you say there was something familiar about Pacey that you couldn’t put your finger on? And secondly—why did you just pack up and leave? Why not try to at least resolve this?”

I nod. “Yes, I did see something. His facial expressions—they were familiar. They don’t look alike, but there are little looks and glances that are eerily similar.” I take a deep breath and ask, “Why didn’t I stay?” It’s a good question. I know how short life is, and that Pacey is one of a kind. But . . . “I just felt betrayed. Like that’s something Pacey should’ve told me.”

“If you knew, would you still have wanted to be with him?” Max asks.

I purse my lips. “Probably not. I would’ve thought it was weird.”

“And Pacey really likes you, right?”

“I thought he did,” I say, thinking back to the awful things we said to each other.

“Maybe he wanted a chance at winning your heart before you judged him for being Josh’s half-brother.”

“I hate to admit it, but Max is making sense,” Katherine says.

“That doesn’t negate the way he treated me. I’ve never seen him like that before. He was out of control—”

“Did he hit you?” Katherine interjects, now sitting in a chair across from us.

“No.” I shake my head. “He’d never do that. But he was set off, angry—”

“Didn’t he get his tests done today? Maybe the results weren’t good.”

For the first time since I left Pacey’s apartment, I remember that’s exactly where he’d come from. From visiting with his doctor. Oh shit.

“Did you not ask him?” Max asks.

“I didn’t have time to ask. The minute I got back to his apartment, he bombarded me with questions and accusations. I’ve no clue how his appointment went.”

“That could be the reason he flew off the deep end.”

“I think we all know I have a hard time controlling my emotions,” Katherine says. “I’d most likely displace my anger onto you if I were in that situation.”

I bite on my lower lip. “Do you think they were bad results?”

Max shrugs. “Won’t know unless you ask him.”

I consider it, but then something inside me tells me it doesn’t feel right. None of this feels right. My life hasn’t felt right in a while.

“It doesn’t matter,” I say.

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter? You broke things off over this fight. If there was a reason, then you should talk about it.”

I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter, because I don’t think it would’ve lasted. I mean, look at me. I’m a mess. Everything about my life is a mess. My ex-boyfriend is trying to get back together with me, the guy who—God, who I thought was my soulmate just broke me, and I have nowhere to be tomorrow, on a Monday, because I don’t have a job. I have nothing.” I shake my head again. “I don’t have it together.”

“You’ve been through a rough patch,” Max says, taking my hand in his. “You’re allowed to take a moment.”

“I think that moment is over.” I stand and retrieve my suitcase from the hallway before heading upstairs to my room.

Once I’m settled in my bedroom, I shut the door. Then I fall onto my bed and clutch my pillow to my face, crying into it.

Why did Pacey have to hide that information from me?

Why did I have to fall for him so hard and so fast?

And why do I feel as though everything around me is falling apart, but when I was with Pacey, it felt put together?

Why, for the first time since losing my mom, did I not feel so utterly alone?

And why do I feel as though I’ve made a terrible mistake?