Kanin

Three and a half weeks.

That’s how long Jax said I had to figure out how to use my other side. That’s how long I had until Keera would come for me again. She’d wait until the next full moon to do so, when she was the most powerful.

Three and a half weeks was all I had to either live - or die. It didn’t seem like long enough.

“Don’t over think it, Kanin.” Jax whispered, his breath tickling my neck as he leans over me.

I’m standing at my room, facing the door. I haven’t forced myself to turn the knob yet. I don’t know what it is about the room, but I hate being in it. Maybe it’s the thought of being alone. Maybe it’s the reminder that it isn’t my room. Whatever it is, it feels like a literal weight pressing in from all sides, crushing me. Suffocating me. Caging me in.

Jax is a heavy presence behind me, reminding me of just how much has changed. He’s a physical reminder that I now belong in his world, a reminder that as much as I want to, I can never truly belong to the human world.

I was a half-breed.

My blood was tainted. Mixed. Impure.

It was like having one foot in two different worlds, but neither of them I belonged to. Neither of them truly wanted me. I couldn’t be in the human world, because I’d always be more. Faster. Stronger. Better. I couldn’t be in Jax’s world, because I’d never be enough. I wasn’t as strong or as fast as the other werewolves. While they all could shift into a wolf, I never would be able to. I would always be left behind. I was an outcast wherever I went.

But there were other reasons I couldn’t be back in the normal world. Being back home meant being back with my father. My father was no better than those he had murdered. Even if he had done it out of revenge for my murdered mother, it didn’t make what he’d done right. It would never be right. Being back with him meant always having a pressing weight on my shoulder. A suffocating weight that reminded me of the people my father had killed. My kind.

“That’s what I’m good at: over thinking.” I say to him, turning away from my bedroom door. As soon as I do, I realize just how close Jax is to me. My back is now pressed to the wood behind me and still Jax’s breath fans across my face. I could feel the warmth of his body encompassing me. If I moved even an inch, I’d be touching him.

“I’m here for you, you know that right?” He said, his eyes darkening for a moment.

I nodded, unable to find my voice to answer him. He made me nervous. I hated to admit it, but he also scared me.

“I’m going to train you. You’ll be ready for Keera when she comes.” He reminded me.

“And Ean? Will I be ready for him, too?” I asked him, my voice quivering at the mention of him. Ean was hunting me. He wanted to kill me just like Keera did. The difference between Ean and Keera though was that Ean was reckless. He’d already tried to kill me in the woods. Keera would wait until the next full moon, but Ean could come at any time.

Jax’s eyes flashed red, “Leave him to me.”

There was no doubt in my mind that Jax could take care of Ean. He’s proved that on several different occasions. But Ean had an uncanny way of getting me alone, most of that was by my own stupidity. I had once thought that I would be safer away from Jax. Ean had proved me wrong. I had no intention of leaving Jax’s side again.

Then there was Bevin. The blonde haired she-wolf that broke Cade’s heart. She was a monster, sure and true. Cade had said that she always got what she wanted and she wanted Jax. I wondered if she’d come after us as well. I didn’t dare mention her though. I knew it was a sore subject. Bevin had been in a relationship with Jamison when my father killed him. She was only with him to make Jax jealous though.

There were so many people after us, so many people that wanted me dead or gone. It all felt like too much to bear. I wasn’t sure how Jax did it. How he managed to bear the weight of a whole pack. How he managed to keep a level head through all the monthly alpha meetings with Keera. But I guess I already knew the answer. He managed it by becoming the ruthless, heartless alpha that he’s known to be.

“You should get some sleep.” Jax said, finally taking a step away from me. I instantly missed his warmth.

I laughed, but it was dry. “Easier said than done. How do you sleep?”

“I don’t.” He gave me a sad smile. “I can’t. Not since-”

He stopped talking, unable to answer, but I knew what he was going to say. He can’t sleep since Jamison was killed. He probably has nightmares when he does, just like me.

“I can’t get my mind to shut off.” I told him.

He doesn’t say anything, because I know he doesn’t know how to help me. He can’t help me when he doesn’t even know how to help himself.

“Will you come inside and sit for a minute?” I ask, thinking that maybe his presence and his warmth will at least calm me enough to shut my mind off.

He nods, his jaw clenching. I turn my back on him and finally push my way into my room. I pull the boots from my feet, but don’t bother changing out of my clothes. I push back the comforter on the bed and slip inside, making room for Jax. He stares down at me for a moment before sitting down. He sits propped against the headboard on top of the covers. His back is rigid and his muscles are tense. If I didn’t know any better, I would say he was nervous. The thought of Jax being nervous brought a smile to my lips.

I lay on my side facing him, my eyes staring him over. He’s careful not to look at me, instead fixing his glare on the blank wall opposite of him. “Just stay until I fall asleep.” I murmur, already feeling my body relax.

He doesn’t even move, only gives a short nod. I close my eyes and it’s easy to shut my mind off. Suddenly, the bed moves and I think Jax is about to leave too soon. Instead, he positions his body so he’s lying down across from me. I open my eyes to look at him, only to see that he’s staring right back at me. We stay quiet, both not wanting to break the silence between us. I’m finally calm. I feel at peace for the first time in what seems like forever.

I close my eyes again, content on just listening to his steady breathing beside me. I listen to each breath he takes and my mind starts to drift. In the silence, I am suddenly aware of something other than his breathing. I can hear his heart beat, loud and clear like it’s against my ear. It’s fast and strong.

“I can hear your heart beating.” I whisper, opening my eyes once again.

He’s staring at me still and suddenly his eyes burn red. They glow in the darkness, lighting up the room in a faint red glow. “You can?” His shaky voice is merely a whisper.

I nod, “It’s really fast.”

He gulps and closes his eyes. The room is once again thrown into darkness. “I can’t help it.”

I slide my hand across the space between us and find his. He instantly twines his fingers into mine. In seconds, his heart beat starts slowing down. I lay there and watch him, my ears keeping tabs on the beating of his heart. It isn’t long before it’s steady.

“I’m glad you ruined my life, too.” I say just before both of us drift into a peaceful and dreamless sleep.

I’m instantly aware of the empty space beside me even before I open my eyes. Jax is gone. I finally peel open my eyes and, sure enough, I am greeted by a cold spot. When I fell asleep last night, he was here. I wondered how long he’d laid there before escaping to his room or office.

I pull my aching body from my bed and make my way into the bathroom. I need a shower and I plan on taking my time to do so. I let the water run as hot as I can manage it and stand under the stream until my skin wrinkles. When I step out, I come face to face with the reflection in the mirror. The girl staring back at me is someone that I don’t recognize. I’m quick to turn away.

I pull on a pair of clothes and pad barefoot into the hallway. It’s quiet which is different. Usually there’s someone waiting for me and most of the time it’s Cade. But not this morning. Cade is nowhere to be found.

I take to the stairs and make my way into an empty kitchen. My eyes instantly find the clock on the wall, wondering if it’s too early for anyone to be up. It’s eight in the morning. Someone should be up.

“Looking for me, Princess?” A voice startles me.

I spin around and give Cade a slight smile. “Yeah, I was starting to get a little worried.”

“Worried about me? How sweet.” He teases me.

“Don’t get used to it, buddy.” I cross my arms over my chest, but I don’t mean the threat. I think I’ll always worry about him.

“Okay, Princess.” Cade crosses the kitchen and digs in the cabinet for a box of cereal. He offers me some and I take it willingly.

“It’s quiet this morning, where is everyone?” I ask as I pour milk and corn flakes into an empty bowl.

Cade clears his throat. I look up to him and see that he’s reluctant to give me an answer.

“Cade?” I question, furrowing my brow. I’m suddenly worried.

“I shouldn’t be telling you this, but some of the pack are getting antsy.”

“Why?” But it wasn’t hard to guess the reason.

“Keera’s threats.” Cade sighs and takes a seat beside me. “Some of the others don’t want to wait around for Keera to attack.”

“So, what? They’re going to attack her first?”

He shakes his head, “They’re talking about leaving the territory.”

"Running?” The word doesn’t sound right coming from my mouth. I’m surprised and confused all at once. Jax’s pack was strong. They’d been here forever. And now they wanted to leave?

“Yes.” Cade pushes away his full bowl of cereal. “Jax is trying to talk them out of it.”

“Everyone wants to run? Even Arya’s family?”

He nods again, “Especially them. Arya’s parents hate confrontation. They don’t want a battle.”

“Where will they go?”

“There’s word that another pack in Idaho take in runners.” Cade looked defeated as he told me this. Members of his own pack, his family, wanted to run. It was hard to understand.

That night in the woods at the meeting, the pack looked fierce. They all rallied behind Jax and took his orders without question. There was no doubt in my mind then that they were strong together. But a part of me wondered if some of them wanted to leave even then. Cade had once told me that a wolf couldn’t disobey their alpha’s orders. Were they just standing behind Jax because they had to? Or because they wanted to?

Would Jax stop them from running if some of them wanted out?

What would Jax be without a pack?

“Would you run?” I asked, my voice trembling.

“No.” Cade was quick to answer and a part of my stress eased away. “Jax and me might have tension, but I’d never leave. I grew up with him. He’s more like my family than anyone else.” He paused. “Jax is my brother, my alpha, and I’d never abandon him.”

“This pack means everything to Jax, what would he do without them?” I asked.

Cade shrugged, “I’m not sure he could handle it. Jax has lost a lot and I’m not sure he can handle losing his whole pack. He might turn out like his father.”

I winced at the mention of Dane, Jax’s father. He’d once loved my mother, but she chose Thomas Abbott over him. Jax said that made Dane angry. Dane wanted to exile my mother, but she ran instead. I wasn’t sure what came of Dane after that, but I knew it wasn’t good. Jax said he was dead and I remembered the way he’d said it: without emotion. I wondered if Dane had been just as ruthless and heartless as Jax pretended to be.

“The pack’s running because of Keera, right? So, if she was no longer a problem, then they’d stay?” I questioned.

Cade searched my eyes like he was trying to understand, “I suppose, yeah, but I’m not sure Keera would ever not be a problem.”

I kept quiet, but the wheels in my head were turning. Whatever I had to do, I would do it. I would do anything to make sure Jax kept his pack. I would do anything to keep Jax from losing anything else important to him. Keera was a problem mainly because of me. And I was going to take care of her.

Even if that meant taking care of me.