Kanin

I slipped the converse from my feet and creeped up the sidewalk. It was well after midnight, the moon was full, and I was in so much trouble. Looking up at my house, I was thankful that all the lights were off, but that didn’t mean that my father didn’t know I’d escaped.

I’d broken the second rule: Always be in the house before ten o’clock. And my father always had an uncanny way of knowing when his three rules were broken.

Rummaging through my purse for my keys, I kept as silent as I could. Finally, when I found my keys, I unlocked the door and stepped inside. I blew out a breath of relief when the door closed silently behind me. Maybe for once I’d actually make it to my room before getting caught.

I made sure I maneuvered around the lose floor boards as I made my way up the stairs. Many years of sneaking out after curfew, I’d come to memorize which floor boards made the noises.

“Have a good night, Kanin?” A voice startled me, making me grip my chest in fright.

Crap.

“You look nice.” My father stepped out of the shadows, fully dressed. By the looks of it, he’d just gotten home as well.

“Thanks, you to.” I crossed my arms over my chest and stared him down.

“Where were you this time?” He challenged. His voice was calm, which scared me even more. When my father was really angry, his voice never showed it.

I didn’t answer. I could’ve tried lying, but I never could get away with that. Just like my father knew when I broke his rules, he was also a human lie detector. He knew everything.

“The second rule, Kanin.” He said, as if I needed to be reminded.

Stupid rules. It was always those stupid rules.

I rolled my eyes, “dad, come on! I’m almost eighteen!”

“Why must you think you need to disobey me?” Suddenly, his British accent was really thick. That was another thing that happened when he was super mad. He’d been in the States since he was twenty years old. He’d lost some of his accent in all the years around Americans, but when he was really angry it was like he never left England.

“I was just hanging with my friends before Summer’s over!” I pleaded, tears streaming down my cheeks now.

“I make these rules for your safety, Kanin!” His voice rose.

"My safety?!” I dropped my shoes by my feet in a fit of anger. “You’re kidding me right? Please tell me what you’re trying to keep me safe from. The woods?” I laughed. “Rule number one: never go into the woods by myself!” I mocked. “The basement? Because that’s rule number 3. Never, ever go into the basement!” I took a step back from my father, suddenly very tired and feeling defeated. I was past tears. My hands shook by my sides. “Mom would never do this to me.”

My father flinched like I’d hit him. For a moment he was very quiet and very still. “I’m not doing this to you. I’m doing this for you.” He ran his hands over his face, defeated as well. “Just go to bed, yeah? We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

“Yeah, whatever.” I scoffed, turning my back on him and slamming my bedroom door as I stepped inside. I instantly dropped onto my bed and screamed into my pillow.

I flipped over on to my back and stared up at the fading glow in the dark stars plastered on my ceiling. My father had helped me put them there. They’d been there since I could remember. I used to think I could actually see the night sky when I looked at them.

Tears streamed down my cheeks. I instantly regretted what I’d said to my father. I should’ve never brought up my mother, it was a sore subject. Even after all these years, it was hard to talk about her.

I was five when someone or something murdered her right in front of me. I remembered her hand in mine as we walked back to our car. It was dark and no one else was around. Suddenly, my mother was no longer beside me. Her hand was ripped from mine. Then, she was lying before me on the streets. I don’t remember screaming. I just stood there staring at her motionless body and glazed over eyes until someone found me. I hadn’t even said a word to anyone.

It took three therapists and several weeks for the police to get anything out of me. Even then, they weren’t even sure what I saw had been real. It couldn’t have been. They had said I was traumatized, my mind made things up to cope with what had happened.

From then on, I was forced to speak with a therapist once a week. When I got older, I learned to avoid words such as “depressed”, “guilty”, and “it was my fault”. Instead I used words like “happy”, “I don’t think about it much anymore”, and “yes, I’m sleeping great, thanks”. I wasn’t even sure which words were the truth anymore.

I didn’t bother changing to undress as I pulled the blankets over my body. I’d snuck out of the house tonight in hopes of catching Bobby Stuart at the night club. I’ve had a crush on Bobby since I could remember. Of course, Bobby had been there. We’d even danced together. For a moment I was buzzing with joy. Until he’d asked me to come home with him. He’d said his parents were out of town and no one would know. I’d left him in the middle of the dance floor.

I shouldn’t have done it. I should’ve stayed in my room like a good little girl. I didn’t know why I always disobeyed my father. It just felt like I had no freedom. I was always following his rules. I was stuck here.

My eyes drifted to my desk across the room. It was littered with college applications I chose. I’d picked the furthest colleges from home. Then, I’d finally get away from my overprotective father and all his crazy rules. I’d be able to make my own decisions. Another year, and I’d be able to get out of here. It couldn’t come quick enough.

I didn’t sleep much that night. The argument with my father kept replaying in my head. Once I did finally fall asleep, I had a familiar dream that used to taunt me when I was younger.

I was running through the forest, barefooted and freezing. I’d broken my father’s first rule, but I couldn’t remember what brought me here.

I paused, pulling the hood of my red jacket closer to my face. I tried to listen closely around me, trying to figure out if I was being chased. But there was nothing. I let out a breath of relief, leaning against a tree trunk.

Suddenly, a howl roared through the woods, piercing my ear drums. It was so loud that I had to reach up and cover my ears. I needed to run, but I couldn’t make my feet obey my simplest commands.

I turned around quickly, feeling like someone was watching me. I couldn’t see three feet in front of me. But I could clearly make out the glowing red eyes staring back at me.

And then it lunged.

I woke up with a scream on my lips. I jolted up right in my bed, my sheets twisted around my sweating body. The blinking red numbers on my alarm clock told me it was still early in the morning. I pushed my hair back from my face and took in a deep breath.

There was a knock at my door and my father came into my room. He said nothing at first. He took a seat at my desk and looked me over. “Kanin-” he broke off, unsure what to even say to me.

“I’m sorry.” I said first, fidgeting with my comforter between my fingers.

He shook his head, “you know I love you, right?”

I nodded, my throat tightened as tears pricked at my eyes.

“I’m trying to protect you. The world-” my father ran his hands over his face. “The world is a very dark and scary place, Kanin. I’m just trying to protect you from it.”

“But you can’t protect me from everything!” I said, frustration seeping into my voice. “And you don’t need to! I’m a big girl, dad. I need to learn these dark, scary things on my own.”

He only nodded, his gaze settled around my room. There was an uncomfortable silence between us before my father spoke again. “You ready for our training session?”

Training session.

Every morning my father got me up at the crack of dawn to do what he refers as training. It consists of running three miles and then working on hand to hand combat. I’ve been fighting since I could remember, per my father’s instruction. He’s always said that I needed to learn to protect myself. Sometimes, he was obsessed with it, if you asked me.

I rose from my bed, crossed my room, and dug in my dresser for a pair of workout clothes. I slipped into my bathroom without a word and changed quickly. I ran a brush through my long black hair and then braided it over my shoulder. When I walked back into my room, my father was no longer sitting there. I found my tennis shoes on the floor, slipped them on, and jogged down stairs.

My father was standing by the front door, pulling on a hoodie. He nodded at me and then pulled open the front door for me. We took off on our run in silence.

We jogged the whole three miles hardly saying a word. When we made it back to the house, my father steered me into the back yard. “Okay, let’s work on your blocks first.”

I took my stance, knees bent and feet shoulder width apart. I brought my fisted hands up at eye level, watching my father carefully. He threw a punch at me and I blocked it easily. His foot came up to kick my forearms. After several minutes of testing my blocks, we moved on to sparring.

An hour later, I was lying flat on my back for the hundredth time. I stared up at the fluffy clouds, trying to draw precious air back into my lungs. My father’s face swam back into focus, his dark eyes looking me over in concern. He reached a hand down and pulled me to my feet.

“Good job today, Kanin.” My father praised me, patting me on the back. He led me into the house, going directly to the freezer for an ice pack. He handed it to me. I took a seat at the island and placed the ice pack onto my shoulder.

I said, “Have I learned my lesson?”

My father spun around to look at me, “I don’t know, have you?” He crossed his arms over his chest and barely looked winded. I hated that. I was half his age and I was almost pretty sure I was dying from this morning’s training session.

I threw the ice pack on the counter before me and stood to my feet, “yeah, dad. I promise I won’t stay out after ten again, okay?”

“Don’t make promises you won’t keep.” He squinted, testing me.

I rolled my eyes and groaned, “you’re really infuriating sometimes, you know that right?”

My father only smiled.

“I’m going to go take a shower.” I said, placing the ice pack back into the freezer. I climbed the stairs quickly before shutting myself in my room. I hurriedly started the shower, making sure the water was as hot as I could take it. Once I was finished with my shower, I pulled on my clothes and stared at myself in the mirror.

Suddenly, there were a pair of big, red eyes staring back at me. I gasped, spun around, but no one was there.

First the dream and now I’m seeing things?

Was I going crazy?