III. The Impact of Her

“Go ahead, Robert. Tell her,” Benjamin whispered to me.

My heart shattered even more as he begged for my help. His eyes were desperate as his chance was limited. His usual persuasion wasn’t working on Laura.

At the same time, Laura’s eyes pleaded with me to stop Benjamin. We never broke eye contact. But I still saw how Benjamin shifted his gaze between the two of us.

Truth be told, I wanted to be honest with Benjamin. Laura was the love of my life. I never wished to and I would never trade her for anything else. I would fight for her until the very end of the world.

However, Benjamin was my brother. I had known him for my whole life. I didn’t want to destroy everything that we shared, all because we loved the same person.

On the other hand, Laura was the woman of my heart. In the short amount of time we spent together, we faced different challenges. And I never wanted to lose her again.

Unfortunately, I already knew the right choice for this situation. And as a future king, my emotions came second for the greater good of all.

With a heavy heart, I took a deep breath as I looked firmly at Laura. I started, “You deserve each other, Laura. Benjamin will take good care of you. He will be able to give your heart’s true desires, maybe even more.” Those words felt like bile as they escaped my lips. It pierced through my heart like a three-edged sword. And I knew that what I was about to say would become one of my biggest regrets.

I continued, “Whoever you have your heart set on, you must forget. It is best that you allow Benjamin to enter your heart as you have entered his.”

Her jaw tensed as her eyes watered. She might have done a great job in holding back her tears. But her teasy gaze gave her away.

We lost eye contact as Benjamin grabbed onto her hand, settling the bouquet onto the ground. “Laura, to give me your heart will make me the happiest man in this lifetime and the other,” he said as his frantic stare never left Laura. But she was unmoved as he gave her a blank stare. He continued, “Give me your all and you will have all of me. I will provide for you, everything that you can ever need. All you have to do is say yes.”

As Benjamin caressed her hands with his thumbs, my insides crumbled. I should be the one holding her hands in mine. A part of me believed that her hands belonged to me and me alone. But I could never hate or cure Benjamin. My love for him as a brother has overpowered my affections for Laura.

And if my pain was the sacrifice for my brother’s happiness… I was more than willing to let her go.

“Benjamin, I…” Laura struggled with her words. She fought to free herself from Benjamin as she continued, “This is not the right time for this. Shouldn’t you give me some time to think about everything?”

“What is there to think about when it’s true love?” Benjamin replied as his grasp on her tightened.

“But I do not feel the same way as you do,” Laura protested as she raised her voice. She finally pulled her hands free as she added, “I care and respect you as a friend. But I cannot give you more than that.”

Benjamin slowly stood up and towered over her. Laura stepped back as she got overwhelmed by his height. I wanted to shield her from him but I didn’t want any conflict.

“I have said this before and I will say it again, Laura: I do not care for anything except you. Whether you love me or not, I made it a vow to myself that you will be mine,” Benjamin answered as his face streamed with his tears. His walls were down. Benjamin’s vulnerable side was brought out by Laura. He added, “But I need to hear the answer from you. Because I believe that in time, you will reciprocate my feelings for you.”

I cleared my throat which caught their attention. “I suppose that this is my time to leave. Your conversation has become too personal,” I said.

“Robert,” Laura called out to me as I turned my back on them.

I paused for a moment as I fought the urge to look back at them. But after a deep breath, I walked over to my horse and went on my way. I just wanted to be alone, away from everybody.

To my delight, the day passed without any problems.

Ever since my return, I locked myself in my chambers. I sat firmly by my window and not once did I leave my seat. The moon was already in the sky and my room was covered in darkness. I didn’t bother to light up my candles and lamps as I sulk away from the world. Only the moonlight that shone onto my face was present.

And in my isolation, my only company was three pitchers of wine. I drank and drank as I pondered everything that has happened today. A few servants attempted to disturb my peace. But my page has done well in keeping them out of my room. I lost everything today and I simply didn’t want to be bothered.

I lost Lady.

I lost Laura.

I couldn’t imagine how so much heartbreak could happen in one day.

I refilled my cup when my door creaked open. “Your Highness?” my page called from behind. His voice echoed slightly through my silent room.

“I thought we agreed that no one is allowed to enter,” I snapped at him before I took a big sip of wine.

The door closed and a few steps entered. “Pardon me, Your Highness, but Nana Olsa is waiting outside your chambers. She said that she wants to see you,” he explained.

I sighed, loud enough for it to spread across the room.

“I understand that you do not wish to be disturbed, Your Highness,” my page quickly replied, his voice shaking as he did. “I just wanted to ask what should I tell Nana Olsa.”

I finished the entire cup before I poured in more. “Let her in. But do not tell her anything,” I instructed as I filled the cup to the brim.

“Yes, Your Highness.” Fast-paced steps rushed to the door, only to be replaced by the sound of a stick, hitting the floor in brief pauses.

As the sound got closer, I continued with my drinking without a care for the possible consequences of overdrinking. “Good evening, Nana. What can I do for you today?” I asked as I tried not to slur my words. I poured more wine to my already-empty cup as she stood beside me.

“Can you tell me what is going on, Robert?” she asked as the wine reached the brim.

“I don’t understand what you are implying, Nana,” I replied as I brought the cup closer to my lips.

After I took a sip, she spatted, “Obviously, there is something that happened to you today. You are not the sort of person to waste his energy and time, drinking to his heart’s content for no reason.”

I rolled my eyes before I turned to her. “Nana, there is nothing for you to worry about. I am simply… celebrating this day,” I replied sarcastically as I raised my hands in the air. I continued before another sip, “Today is such a lovely day. Everything is just fantastic.”

A long sigh came from Nana before she went and stood on my other side. “Robert,” she gently held my hand, making me look up at her, “You can always tell me everything. You don’t have to hide it.”

From a stern guardian to a caring mother, her shift in approach somehow melted my aching heart. She looked into my eyes, gravely concerned about my well-being.

But what was I supposed to do? Tell her that I was mourning the loss of a companion? That the man I considered a brother has taken the only love of my life? I wasn’t even allowed to fall in love with somebody else, to be with somebody else other than Princess Lorain. But Laura happened to me. The worst part was I couldn’t tell anyone because they could tell James about it.

And the last thing that I wanted to happen was another confrontation with him.

She pulled a chair across us and sat in front of me. She held onto my hand and continued, “I know that you are in a lot of pain at the moment. To be frank, I don’t know what I can say to make you feel better. But to drink yourself away isn’t the solution.”

She then caressed my hand a little as she added, “You can always tell me what is on in your mind. You don’t have to keep it to yourself.”

I sighed as I hung my head low. I wanted to tell someone about my struggles. I wanted to tell Nana. But the fear of her possibly telling James got in the way. She was simply looking out for me and my well-being. However, her loyalty belonged to the crown rather than to me. So, at the moment, the only person I could trust with these thoughts… would be me alone.

I settled the cup on the table and held her hand. “I appreciate your concern, Nana. And I am grateful that you always look after me,” I looked directly at her with a faint smile. “However, it’s best that I keep everything to myself right now. I want to be able to find the solution for what’s been bothering me. I apologise for worrying you about the wine. I just wanted to be numb for a while,” I continued. “Don’t worry, I won’t be drinking for a long time. I only hope that you understand that I need this right now.”

Her lips became a firm line as she nodded. She then reached out to my face and caressed it. “I understand completely,” she said before putting her hand down. “But remember: you’re not alone in this world. You can always tell me or your family if you need someone to talk to.”

I nodded as I forced a smile.

She slowly stood up and gave me a gentle peck on my forehead. “Control your consumption, please. I don’t want to receive any news that the prince of Western Wind has died because of overdrinking,” she added, returning to her state of stern guardian.

I chuckled. “The possible reason for my death would be a broken heart.”

“Robert,” she frowned, warning me.

“I was only trying to make you laugh, Nana,” I said with a cheeky grin.

“That isn’t a proper way to make someone laugh, Robert,” she argued. “That is not something to make a joke about.”

I continuously nodded as I answered, “I know, I know.”

“Call for Gonzalo if you ever need anything,” she added. She then went on her way, the door closed behind her. I turned back to the table and reached for the cup. But as I was about to touch it, Laura’s face entered my mind. My hand hung in the air as the image of her smile caught me still.

I could see her clearly. Her vibrant eyes. Her cheerful smile. Her rosy cheeks. Her laughter rang clearly in my imagination. Her aura of happiness that radiated off of her. That happiness that could easily affect you and your mood.

I blinked quickly as I got out of my thoughts. I pulled my hand back, settled my feet on the chair that Nana sat on and stared out the window. As the starry night filled my sight, I couldn’t help but feel drowsy. After a strenuous battle against sleep, I finally succumbed to its power.

The sunset started as I sat beside Lady’s grave.

The men did a great job in following my orders a week ago. They buried her exactly where I wanted her to be: on top of a hill, under the very tree where we stayed. Her grave was surrounded by small, white flowers. A big arrangement sat on top of her. Her grave was nothing but glorious. She was glorious from the day we met until the very last moment I was able to go on a ride with her. Until the end of my days, I will treasure every memory of her.

Patiently, I watched as the sun slowly disappeared between the two mountains beyond. I was still able to watch this with her. However, what was beside me wasn’t a champion but a grave. As my gaze was fixed onto the sun, I touched each petal from the red rose that I held.

My mind was blank.

Nothing remained inside it but absolute emptiness. The only thing I could think of was the question, ‘What am I supposed to do now?’. The sunset was as slow as the time that pain was taking to leave my body.

I moved closer to Lady’s grave and settled the rose on top of her grave. “Lady,” I said as I stared down on her resting place, “You were taken from me the day I needed you the most.” I then sighed and looked back at the sunset. “Benjamin has asked Laura to be his. Without a doubt, she surely said yes. Who would refuse a gentleman such as Benjamin, right? He’s far better in all aspects than me.” I looked to the ground and played with the grass beneath me. “Who would refuse him?” I whispered to myself.

“Still, he wasn’t man enough for me,” a familiar voice spoke behind me.