If only he loved me too

Shh...listen, don't you hear?

I'm crying, but they are silent tears.

I'm crying on the inside so you can't see

all the pain running through me.

I cry for you, I cry for me.

I cry for the times I can't,

so if you listen, you may hear my silent tears.

-Amanda smith

The sky weeps for me and so does the grass, the world filled with joy is weeping in tears. I wish I could not feel this... this sadness, this fear.

People in the black walk up to me with sad faces or white roses, some hug me and some just smile sadly, all I could was lean on my wheelchair and hold my broken pieces together. it's hard, faking to be ok, is hard.

"Oh, my baby," Adeline wrapped her arms around and cried, she embraced in her warm body and wept for her grandson, her only grandson who was the last connection she had to her son. I can't relate to the pain she is feeling and here she was trying to console me, a brave soul she is. silent tears slip out of my tired eyes and I held her tighter because she needed it more than I do.

"Adaline, please don't stress her out, she is already a wreck," Robert told his wife and gently pulled her away from me, he kissed me on the head and patted my back, "Be strong my child, "with a sad smile he moved away to attend some more guests.

I wheeled myself closer to the cascade that was sitting on top of the hole in the ground waiting to be let down, I placed my hand on top and laid my head on it "I didn't answer your question" I whispered into the wooden cascade "I never said I loved you because I do, I love you so, damn much. so much that it hurts, and I never got a chance to say it," I cried wetting a patch. "I promise to find out what happened that night, I promise to make them pay" I kissed the cascade and moved back

I watched the cascade being lowered into the ground as the priest kept on talking, I know what he is saying but couldn't seem to concentrate, I watch him being lowered into the ground where he will rest for good, tears flowing freely down my face and I couldn't seem care.

I was handed a handful of soil and was asked to pour on top of the lowered cascade, I can do it and promise myself to avenge him.

"I Love you, Dimtri, I always have and always will." I throw a red rose as well before kissing it.

Everything happened so fast, and it was time for the service. I met some more people before excusing myself to go rest, John helped me up to Dimitri's room in the mansion. I thanked him and explored his room in my wheelchair.

It was not a typical teenager's room, the walls were dark grey, with a king-size bed, study table, couch, walk-in-closet, and a huge window. this room is on the third floor so the view was breathtaking, I was so engrossed in the view that I didn't hear Robert come in.

"I was going to grill that window, you know?" he said in a warm, heavy voice he walked to stand beside me looking through the window as well

"Why?" I asked because he paused

He smiled sadly like he was recalling a memory "Dimitri was a stubborn teen, always snuck out in the middle of the night even though his room was this high above" he chuckled "no matter how many guards I assign to stop him but it was all in the vain, he would somehow always trick them, so one day I followed him, "I looked at him raising an eyebrow "I know what you are thinking, I thought he was getting involved with the bad crowd, doing drugs or something but I was proven wrong" he smiled tearing up a little, his voice turned vulnerable like it pained him to speak.

"where did he go?" I asked playing with my fingers nervously, this is the first time I'm hearing stories of Dimitri's childhood.

"He went out every day in the middle of the night to see his parents," he said and stopped talking

And I knew, why?

Dimitri went to the graveyard to his parent's grave, and now he laid beside them.

"He knows you love him," I said he smiled down at me

"And he knows you love him, "with that he left while patting on my shoulder on his way out.

I sat there silently for maybe an hour and the moved towards the bed, the room was cleaned so I can rest here and I was grateful but sad because now I don't smell him here, to distract myself from going there again. there were a lot of pictures on a wall.

Dimitri with his grandparents, friends, and Oliver but all of them were from his teenage years and up, but not a single picture of his younger self. I pulled out a smiling picture of him he might be 20 or something I pulled it closer to myself and drifted off to sleep.

The next day came painfully slow because I kept waking up in the night with cold sweat, racing heart, and burning lungs. somehow the night was over and the sun came shining through the wide window, onto my face. it was a beautiful morning but there was a heavy sorrow in the atmosphere.

shaking away those bad thoughts, I pulled myself in the wheelchair and went to the bathroom to do my morning business.

After being freshly showered I tried walking holding the wall for support, limping I stood in front of his wardrobe, opening it I was enveloped in his divine fragrance. his smell still lingered on his clothes, they were old maybe from his teenage years before he left for college but they will fit, he has always been huge and fit for a person his age, by looking at his clothes he grew up pretty well.

After changing into one of his shirts and short pants, and with the help of John, I wheeled down for breakfast in the dining room. Adaline, Robert, Oliver, Pete, and along with Oliver's parents and some more family members having a silent breakfast they stopped and stared as I made my way to an empty chair next to Adaline.

"Good morning, darling, how did you sleep?" she asked kissing my forehead, her stare lingered on my clothes and her eyes moist with dull recognization, she smiled and I returned it.

"I slept well, how about you?" I asked and smiled at a servant who served me breakfast.

"Good," she went back to her plate and gracefully chewed on her slice of bread.

I glanced at Oliver, he was helping Pete by pouring coffee into his cup, the love around them was painfully good and refreshing, I turned my head to look at his parents to see their reaction on his behavior, they were tense but it was not something to poke into anyways.

Breakfast was uneventful and awkward, well that much was expected.

My phone rang bringing me out of my train of thoughts

"Lucas?" I asked waiting for him to speak.

"I found something"