If He Had Been with Me

Later that night, hours after Finny and I have hung up and gone to bed, my phone trills again. I lift my head up and look at it glowing on the nightstand. It’s a text message from Preppy Dave.

Guinevere Angela 3:46 am 7 lbs 2 oz visiting hours tomorrow 1-6

I smile and lay my head back down on my pillow. I imagine Angie tired, happy, and crying. Before I can fall asleep, my phones cries for me again. I see Jamie’s name and my heart drops down into my stomach.

Angie had the baby. It’s a girl. We can visit her tomorrow after 1. Do you want a ride?

I throw the phone across the room and hear it crash against the wall. It might be broken. I don’t care. I sleep fitfully.

***

When Finny knocks on my back door, I’m sitting in the kitchen waiting for him, reading a book and eating a popsicle. When I look up, he lets himself in.

“Hey,” he says, “you look—”

“Furious?” I say.

“Uh, no.” Finny looks at me warily. “I was going to say tired.”

“Yeah, well, I’m that too,” I say. I close my book and toss it on the table. “Jamie sent me a text last night.”

“What did it say?”

I sigh and lay the empty popsicle stick on the table. “Preppy Dave sent everybody a text.”

“Who?” Finny sits down on the chair across from me.

“Preppy Dave, Angie’s boyfri—I mean husband. It said Angie had had the baby and it’s a girl and she weighs something or other and when we can visit and all that. And then not even five minutes later, Jamie sends me one that says—” I clear my throat and try to imitate Jamie’s voice. “Angie had the baby. It’s a girl. We can visit her tomorrow. Do you need a ride?”

“He didn’t think you’d be one of the people Preppy Dan would text?” Finny says.

“Yes!” I say, and then, “It’s Preppy Dave, but yes! And that is so Jamie! Him thinking he’s being so generous by letting me know and offering a ride. Assuming that I need him for those things.”

“Well,” Finny says, “to be fair, you do need a ride.”

“No, I don’t,” I say. “I have you.” Finny smiles.

“I like how you take it for granted that I’ll drive you”

“You will, won’t you?” I say.

“Of course I will. That’s not my point.” He’s still smiling. I don’t feel angry anymore.

***

We get lost on the way to the hospital and don’t get there until one thirty. It’s weird being at a place like this without an adult. I remind myself that I am an adult now too, but I still think the nurses are staring at us. Finny is perfectly at ease, as if he walks down maternity wards all the time.

When we come to the open door of Angie’s room, I know that Jamie is inside, almost as if I could smell him. I stop and look up at Finny. He gives me a look, one that because I know him I can read, but to the rest of the world would just be a soft smile. It’ll be fine.

Angie is sitting on the bed, and the others surround her as if we were on The Steps to Nowhere again. My throat constricts.

“Hey, you made it,” Jamie says.

“Autumn!” Angie cries. She grins and holds out her arms to me but grimaces from the movement. I forget everything for a moment and rush to her.

“Sorry I’m late,” I say as I squeeze her. “We got lost.”

“You brought Finn!” she says. “Hi, Finn.”

“Hi,” he says. He stands in the doorway looking like the way I felt when we were walking down the hall.

“Where’s your tiara?” Brooke says. I shrug.

“I’m over tiaras, I think,” I say.

“Really?” Sasha says.

“Do you want to hold her?” Angie says to me.

“Yeah,” I say. I look around the room, avoiding Jamie and Sasha sitting together in the corner, and finally see that Preppy Dave has a small bundle in his arms, so small that I didn’t notice it before. He crosses the room and holds it out to me.

“Wow,” I say as the little weight of her is transferred to me. “Wow.”

She is so tiny, her face is scrunched up, and her eyes are closed as if she were trying to block out the world. “Wow,” I say again. This is a person who didn’t exist before. “Finny,” I say, my voice still low, my mind still spinning. “Come look.” I feel him come stand behind me, look over my shoulder. For a moment we are quiet.

“Her fingernails,” he says.

“I know,” Angie says. I like holding Guinevere, I realize. I can look at her and forget that Jamie and Sasha are sitting close together as if it were right.

“So where did you get lost?” Jamie says. I try not to grimace at the baby.

“We just missed the exit off I-70 and got lost turning around,” Finny says.

“Yeah, we got a little lost too,” Jamie says. “But we left early.”

“We had lunch first,” Finny says.

“I wish we had,” Brooke says. “I’m hungry.”

“Let’s all go out later,” Alex says.

“Yeah,” Jamie says.

“What about you guys?” Sasha says. It takes me a second to realize that she is talking to Finny and me.

“Uh, no, we have plans,” I say. What I want to say is, “Hell no,” but somehow I can’t bring myself to do it. I sit down on the bed facing away from her.

“What are you two doing?” Angie says. She winks at me so that Jamie and Sasha cannot see. I feel my cheeks burn, and I look at Finny.

“We’re going to a movie,” he says, even though we have never discussed it. His self-assurance has returned to him. He sits down next to me on the bed.

“What movie?” Sasha says.

“Finny, you hold her,” I say.

“Oh no,” he says. I laugh at him, and he holds up his hands defensively.

“Come on,” I say, and push her toward him. I force him to take her, and when she is in his arms, he looks at me as if I am supposed to explain to him the next step. I laugh again and lean over her. “Look at her frowny face,” I say. I realize that my head is nearly resting on his shoulder, and that I cannot bring myself to move it. Finny looks down at the baby. For a moment, it feels as if we three are the only ones in the room.

“Is there anything sexier than a guy holding a baby?” Angie says, and even this does not bring me to my senses.

“Nope,” I say, and I flinch. I move an inch away from Finny, and I can actually feel the loss of his body heat.

“All right, my turn,” Brooke says. “Stop torturing the poor guy.” She walks around the room and takes the baby from Finny. I avoid looking at him.

For the next hour, we talk about normal things and watch TV. I don’t look at Finny and I am careful to not brush against him as I shift my weight on the bed. Jamie talks the most, orchestrating the conversation so that it exhibits his charm and humor. It isn’t any different than before, but it feels different. Jamie and Sasha do not hold hands or kiss, but they sit close together.

During the theme song of the next show, Guinevere begins to cry.

“She’s hungry,” Angie says. She says it with a certain authority that intrigues me. She’s only known her daughter for less than half a day.

“We should probably go,” I say. Finny and I stand up together. Angie looks at us, but her gaze is distracted.

“Thanks for coming,” she says, and looks down at the baby again. I walk quickly toward the door.

“Bye, everybody,” I say.

“Good-bye,” Finny says.

“We should get going too,” I hear Jamie say, but I do not look back or slow down. Finny and I walk side by side. The others are all behind us, Jamie, Sasha, Alex, Brooke, and Noah. They are talking about what they will do next. We walk as if we do not know each other. Finny presses the button at the elevator, and the doors open immediately. We step inside, and Finny press the first floor button as the others round the corner. I look at them, and they look at me. The doors close. Finny turns to me.

“You okay?” he says.

“Yeah,” I say.

“You really want to go see that movie?” he says.

“Yeah,” I say, “and we’ll see whatever you want. Thanks for coming.”

“No big deal,” he says. Finny grins at me, and I finally realize that I never, never felt this way about Jamie, even at the best of times.