If He Had Been with Me

Jamie is driving me home from school when I bring it up. It’s a gorgeous day; the sky is clear and the wind is blowing in the trees. I want to roll my window down, but Jamie doesn’t like it when I do that, and I would have to beg. My book bag is on the floor, and my knees are drawn up to my chest. We pull out of the school’s parking lot.

“I was thinking we should talk about it,” I say.

“About what?”

“About—” It hadn’t occurred to me that he wouldn’t know exactly what I meant, and now I find myself unable to say it. “About what we agreed would happen after graduation.”

“Oh,” he says. He drives in silence. He stares straight ahead. He offers me nothing.

“I’m still not on the pill,” I say. “I could get on it.”

“No,” he says, “you don’t need to do that.”

“Well, you’ll need to buy condoms then, and maybe, practice—”

“Autumn, I can’t even think about that right now. I’m so stressed out about finals and—and everything else. Let’s just not talk about it right now.”

“Okay,” I say. I’m proud that unlike other boys, he isn’t so focused on sex that he can’t think of other things.

“I love you,” I say as I kiss him and get out of the car.

“Me too,” he says.