I am Sam

Eleven days...

That’s how long it’s been since a magical moment at the river turned into a nightmare, the moment I nearly died. I still can’t understand why it even got to that point.

I get that Caleb was upset over his seedlings, and I think I know why he blew out the way he did; among all the chaos of him resuscitating me down by the river, I must have connected with him because I keep having these visions, it’s been every night since it all happened.

It’s like a screenplay rolling over and over again in my head. It’s of Caleb and Cole, except they’re much younger, maybe six or seven, and they’re in the forest planting seedlings. Cole keeps telling him to treat them with care, and respect, nourish nature, and take care of them. Then the visions hop to a much later time; they must have been twelve or thirteen, Cole planting seedlings under the moon all by himself. Caleb arrives, and they end up having a fight. Cole is angry with Caleb for neglecting nature and neglecting his responsibilities. When the vision hops into another one, it’s more recent. Caleb is planting seedlings by himself under the moon, wiping away tears against his cheeks as he keeps growing them, his pain is unbearable, and I know without needing to be told that this is a vision of when he lost his brother.

Caleb got upset about his seedlings because of his brother; it’s because it was something he and Cole did together as children and possibly the only thing he has left of his brother. And Caleb shared that precious moment with me the night we planted all those seedlings, and I destroyed it the moment I went along with the plan bringing down a storm on them.

I hurt both my friends when I did that, I hurt Caleb because I didn’t protect and nourish his brother’s memory, and I hurt Noah because he kept trying to tell me something felt wrong with him, and I should have taken it more seriously. Noah also shared a precious moment with me, the water, his quiet, safe haven, and I broke that too; everything that happened at the river occurred because I was there; none of it would have happened if I hadn’t gone with, Noah. It’s my fault that they’re gone; I should have protected Noah and Caleb; instead, I’m to blame for them nearly killing each other.

I sit at the river every afternoon, waiting for their return. Everything is falling apart, and it’s all my fault; I want to apologize to both of them, to fix this; why does everything I touch end up breaking?

I’ve been writing to you every day for the past eleven days, but I miss you, Wolf. I love you and want to come back home to you, but I can’t do that either, not until I fix what I did to you and what was taken from you because of me.

Things just don’t feel right here with me, I can’t sleep, and I keep getting this strange sensation inside my belly, something I can’t shake; do you feel it too? Is it because I miss you? Is it because my wolf needs to be close to you? She’s been ignoring me again, I haven’t heard her in my head for the past eleven days, and every day that she stays silent, a piece of me feels like it’s dying inside. I know she wants these cuffs off, but Atlas can’t take the chance of my wolf losing control, not with what’s going on.

He’s been acting crazy overprotective since the river incident; he hardly leaves my side. Atlas trains with me day and night when he’s not busy with royal duties. Swords and arrows, fitness and magic. Something inside of him has shifted; he’s not the same boy he was eleven days ago; you would hardly recognize him.

Since Ronan failed to come back from the Seelie court and Caleb and Noah have gone missing, Atlas has had to take it upon himself to run Aeonian as King and ultimately make accurate altering decisions for the kingdom, at least until we know what’s going on.

And to make matters even tenser around here, Atlas ordered Eris to step aside as future queen, and he’s asked me to stand by his side instead. At first, I wanted to decline his offer, but I knew he needed me now more than ever.

If Eris hated me before, she definitely loathes me now. And I disagree with the way Atlas went about ordering her to step aside, right in front of all of us. Liam, Circen, Miera and myself. The way she glared at me made me feel sorry for her, not scared. Because she has to help strengthen the kingdom’s defences, even after she’s been told to step aside. And there’s something in her eyes, I keep seeing it, every now and then, and especially the moment Atlas lashed out over Caleb when he said he would kill him for nearly killing me; he blames Caleb, not Noah, for what happened. Her eyes had given it away the moment she clenched her jaw, the moment she swallowed a heavy lump in her throat; she feels more towards Caleb than she would like to admit to herself.

He is her mate; after all, the worst part is she has no one to talk to about it because of the secret she’s keeping deep inside; I want to talk to her, see if I can help, but I know I’m probably the last person she wants to have anywhere around her right now.

Every night Atlas falls asleep holding me so tightly; it’s like having me is the only thing keeping him from losing his mind right now. I know what you’re thinking, Wolf, and the answer is no; even though he’s my witch mate, I haven’t given myself to him; I just... can’t. As much as I care about him, and I do, there is only one man for me, and that’s you.

But I am a spirit element I must fulfil the duty of standing by his side, and I can’t just abandon Atlas right now. We’re down two elemental powers, and with no earth element at all, we’ve all had to stand together and help work at protecting the kingdom from the darkened realm. We had an Unseelie creature come up to the bridge of Aeonian; it was the most terrifying creature I’ve ever seen. Apparently, they’ve never come this close to the kingdom, and so because of that, Atlas is adamant that he trains me; I completely suck; I really wish my father had taught me more about physical fighting instead of solely relying on my wolf, but I'm hoping I'll get better, and help be more than just a liability, like right now.

Even the Seelie court has sent word that they’re upping their defences; something dark is brewing within the darkened realm, it’s like we can all feel it, and somehow I know it’s Lisbon. On top of that, we had a meteor shower two nights ago; it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed filling the entire night sky; even Atlas smiled and was momentarily distracted from his worries. But ever since it happened, all of them. Atlas, Liam, Circen, Miera and Eris have been acting strange. When I ask Atlas what’s wrong, he shrugs it off and tells me it’s nothing, but something’s definitely going on with them; I just don’t know what it is.

And then there’s me; with the night of the full moon tonight, I’m feeling on edge. I keep having this weird sensation inside my belly the entire time; it’s tingly, like my skin is alive with static electricity. I should be home with you, Wolf, shifting and running with our pack as alpha and luna together.

Maybe it’s just nerves because my first full moon as a mated she-wolf is spent without you, and I'm unable to shift?

~

The door suddenly opens, and Circen walks into my room; I can instantly see that something is wrong by the look on her face, she’s fidgeting with the hem of her shirt, biting her bottom lip, and it looks like she’s been crying, it’s so unlike Circen to be this unhinged, I’m up and closing the gap between us in an instant as I hold onto her shoulders and look into her eyes,

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Shaking her head, she suddenly buries her face in her hands as she begins sobbing; I’m instantly folding my arms around her and hugging her tightly, “Circen, hey, please tell me.” I’m suddenly pleading with her; since taking over the responsibilities of stepping up as future queen, it’s like I’ve become a pillar of strength for Circen, which is ridiculous, right? Me, a pillar of strength to someone like her. But I didn’t have much choice, Atlas chucked me in the deep end, and it was sink or swim, albeit right now I feel like I’m falling; I’m determined not to give up. Freeing Wolf from his curse is probably the most important reason for accepting the responsibility of queen duties; I can’t mess this up, not when I’ve already messed up so much.

“I need him back,” Circen finally whimpers through soft sobs, my brows furrow questioningly when I respond with,

“Who, Caleb?”

Pulling away slightly, she looks up at me through her tear-streaked eyes when she shakes her head again, and I can see it in her eyes; she finally knows the truth. And the moment she confirms it, I instantly let out a sigh of relief.

“Noah, I need him back. I didn’t want to accept it, maybe because I was too scared too, we’ve been friends since we were little and... I thought that if I was wrong, it would destroy our friendship. But...” Gulping, she looks down,

“But?” I push as I give her shoulders a little reassuring squeeze, and she slowly lifts her sad big blue eyes up to mine,

“He’s my fated mate; I can feel it. And with this scary feeling I keep having deep inside of me, I need him back.” I’m instantly smiling when she says those words, and I can see she’s somewhat confused by my reaction. Hugging her tight, I softly whisper,

“I know.”

She instantly pulls away and looks up at me with surprise on her face,

“You know?” Nodding, I smile reassuringly,

“I think Noah knew it too; that’s probably why he reacted the way he did towards Caleb; he didn’t know how to deal with what he was feeling deep inside.” Frowning, she suddenly clenches her jaw as she lowers her eyes,

“So if he knew, then why did he leave? Doesn’t he want me as his mate?” And I’m instantly shaking my head as my brows furrow,

“No, it’s not that at all. I think he left because of...” But the door suddenly swings wide open, and Circen and I are startled when Atlas marches in, followed by Liam, Miera and Eris.

Something’s wrong; I can see it in their faces.

My brows furrow as I give Atlas a questioning look, he’s on edge as his eyes hurridly scan my room, and I can see by the look on his face that whatever is wrong worries him. When my eyes land on Eris and Miera, I instantly know they do not want to be in my room. Miera still blames me for Kris’s death, and now she also blames me for Noah running away.

Looking over at Liam, my jaw clenches with concern as my brows furrow even more, his eyes are down facing the floor, and his entire body is rigid and tense as he clenches his fists. And my heart breaks for him; out of everyone, whatever is going on is affecting him the worst right now; it looks like he’s physically forcing something down. I’m still staring at him with concern when Atlas suddenly pulls me from my troubled thoughts.

“There’s been another breach,” Atlas says, as a matter of fact, his jaw clenched tight. By a breach, I know he’s talking about an Unseelie creature. My eyes now widen as I swallow a heavy lump, I saw the one at the bridge, and Caleb was right; they are the most terrifying creatures that instill such fear in your soul, it could easily consume you.

Atlas suddenly steps forward and grabs me by my arm, pulling me by his side,

“Come, gear up. You’re sticking with me.” And I know better than to argue with him right now; I’m about to turn and follow after him when the sharpest pain I’ve ever experienced suddenly shoots right through my abdomen; crying out in pain, I instantly drop to my knees, my palms hit the floor as I scream out again.

“Sasha!” Atlas cries out as he drops beside me, looking me up and down as instant panic spreads across his face, “What’s wrong, Sasha!?”

Shaking my head as I wince in pain, my entire body feels like it’s suddenly burning up; sweat droplets are forming against my forehead. Everything feels hot all at once as I clench my fists, like lava from a volcano suddenly bubbling under my skin.I feel dizzy, I begin panting as I cry out again, and I feel like I want to claw my skin right off; the pain is all-consuming as it takes over my entire body.

“What’s wrong with her!?” Atlas cries out to the rest as he pulls me up into his arms and against his chest, and his touch temporarily soothes the burning pain, like in this moment, he’s ice, and I’m fire. Resting my forehead into the hollow of his neck, my body is shivering; the cool contact of his body feels so soothing.

But then my body suddenly spasms, my back arching as another piercing pain shoots right through the core of my stomach; heat is pooling in between my legs; it’s like the inferno of pain is making me more aroused than I’ve ever been before. What the hell...

Everyone looks on in horror as I scream again and again, and I’m suddenly wreathing on the floor, tears streaming down my cheeks as I cry out again and again.

“Make it stop! Make it stop!! Please, please!” I’m screaming out the words, panting in between as I grab hold of my stomach, clawing at it as my wolf suddenly begins surging through me; she’s right there showing in the iris of my eyes, a sudden deep growl reverberating from my chest as more tears stream down my cheeks. Atlas’s entire body stiffens as he looks down at me in shock, instantly realizing how dangerous the situation has sudden become.

Circen is suddenly by my side as she rests her hand against my forehead, looking up over Atlas’s shoulder towards the open french doors; her brows furrow the moment she looks back down at Atlas,

“It’s a full moon tonight, Atlas; I think she’s in heat, she's running a fever.” Atlas blinks back the shock in his eyes as he gulps,

“W-what!?” Atlas looks completely confused, as if his brain just short-circuited.

“She’s half wolf, Atlas. She’s been away from her wolf mate for a month now; it’s a full moon tonight; do you not know anything about wolves?” Her voice is calm but urgent as her eyes pierce his. Shaking his head Atlas looks back down at me,

“Not this part.” His voice suddenly sounding so unsure. I’m panting, my body burning up by the second as I suddenly begin clawing at my clothes; I’m hot, too hot; it feels like my skin is about to melt right off; I need my clothes off now.