Hurdles - Cindy (Book 2)

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I thought life would become easier with Elias out of my life but it was different; he was my husband after all and I still wanted to have my home in tact. It got a little harder by the day, the kids kept asking about him and when he would come back home but I had no answer for them. The girls especially, they wanted their daddy back.

Three months had flown by and still there was no word from Elias, not even a phone call to find out how the kids were doing.

Considering the distance from home to their school, I had to change them. This adjustment came with a lot of other changes, having a one sided income was hard and at times I even asked myself if getting them from their father was a good idea. They complained about walking to school, these are kids who were either using the school bus or being taken by their father but I had no car and so they had to make do with what was available.

I had gone to work one day looking depressed, this was one of the days when I actually felt the weight of my problems coming down on me. I say on my desk with my eyes staring into nothing when I realized that Martha my work mate had been standing there looking at me for God knows how long.

‘Why are you doing this to yourself?’ She asked

I wasn’t one to explain my problems to people, I didn’t even have any one to call a friend but this time around I took a risk because everything was just too much to bear.

I explained the situation briefly and she couldn’t take it, she said whatever was happening had a greater explanation to it. Yes Elias was wrong and he was the bigger problem in all this but there was another explanation to what was going on. I had no idea what she was talking about but she promised to come through to my place the following day which was a Saturday.

The rest of the day was busy for me and I appreciated it because had it not been; I would have spent most of it just drowning in my problems. I left work and was home just in time to prepare dinner for the kids, we ate together and I put them to bed before going to bed myself. I really hadn’t been sleeping so well, because the empty space that stared at me every night was just depressing. Every other night I questioned God if at all I had not done my best, every night I kept wondering if ever I was just never good enough and that is why I was treated the way I was. But still I got no answers no matter how much I prayed.

Saturday came and I had totally forgotten about Martha, I woke up early as usual and I cleaned the house way early before the kids could even wake up. When they were up, I bathed the young ones whilst Hope bathed the twins. I did too and then we all had breakfast together, it was only after finishing our breakfast that Martha came with a battalion of women she said were prayer warriors from her church, they came singing and I allowed them into the house. All together they were about ten and amongst them was the Pastor’s wife.

Martha introduced them one at a time and when done she explained to them what my problem was, I thought it was absurd that we had to pray over what Elias had done when in actual sense he is the one that had brought this upon us so why did I have to be the one to pray for him? Anyway I allowed the Pastor’s wife to lead us into prayer, we prayed for hours straight even though my heart was in different other places. When we were done they left

These prayers went on everyday, what started as a once off thing turned into days and days into months. I finally opened up my heart and I was asking God to restore my home. After a month from the inception of these prayers we even incorporated fasting, I was on fire for my house. I was ready to put my house in order and I was going to do anything and everything just to make sure that everything was in place.

But my breakthrough was not coming, I got tired. it's like the prayers were not making God’s heart a little softer, I loved from being expectant to questioning him again. The Pastor’s wife continued to encourage me that things would become different but I was done believing her. She preached that I needed to pray without ceasing but I was hanging on a thread, every other day I was seeing my daughters growing up in a home like I grew up in.

I was losing weight with the fasting, I made a covenant with God. I told him if only he could reveal to me what was causing Elias to behave like this then I would worship him more, but still there was silence. It’s like I was not one of God’s favorite children.

After all the fasting and covenant; I told myself the revelation would come but it didn’t. I was scared of starting over, I wanted a changed husband. I didn't want a divorce - I wanted my family whole, despite his faults I had not yet learnt to unlove my husband. I had not learnt how to live without him or the memories that I had of a once happy us. I was scared of ending up like my mother, I didn’t want to end up like she did with husband number two who also turned out wrong for her.

I continued to cry God, some days I couldn't even sleep and others I cried myself to sleep. Many days I say the morning break but still there was no joy.

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Winnie

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