Heart Like Mine: A Novel

Holiday traffic was light on Thanksgiving morning, and it didn’t take long to arrive at Sam and Wade’s house. They lived in a Frank Lloyd Wright–esque rambler on a bluff overlooking the Puget Sound. Wade was extremely successful in his financial advising career, and after they dated for a year or so, he had happily asked Sam to move in with him.

“They live in a glass house,” Max remarked as we walked up the front steps. Ava pushed past him to be the first at the door, causing her brother to stumble. “Hey!” he said, but she only shot him a dirty look.

“Please stop it, you two,” I said wearily, trying not to drop the store-bought tray of veggies and hummus dip I’d picked up last night. They’d already argued that morning over who got to carry their mother’s cake, which I resolved by telling them to take turns; Max carried it from our house to the car, and Ava carried it now.

“I didn’t do anything!” Max said. “It was her!”

I sighed, hoping their bickering wasn’t a sign about how the day was going to go. I decided to ignore it and attempted to change the subject. “I’d sure hate to have to clean all those windows. Wouldn’t you, Ava?”

“Who cares,” she muttered, but loud enough for me to hear. I had to tense my jaw to keep from snapping at her like I had the night Max wet the bed. I wondered if I got under my mom’s skin the way Ava seemed to with me. I don’t remember doing it deliberately, so I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe right now, she couldn’t help it. With the weight of losing Kelli, she was dealing with pain I’d never faced.

“Well, look who’s here!” my mother exclaimed when she opened the front door. “Ava, Max, it’s good to see you!” They had met last spring, not long after I’d moved in with Victor, when we’d taken the kids up to Bellingham for the day.

The kids greeted her politely and we all shuffled inside. “I hear you made the dance team, Ava,” my mom said, taking the veggie tray from my hands. “That’s wonderful.”

“Thank you,” Ava mumbled, keeping her eyes to the floor as she set the cake on the small table by the front door.

My mom gave me a slightly worried look and I responded with the smallest of shrugs. “All right,” she said, “come join us in the kitchen when you get settled in.” She returned to the kitchen, and I took a moment to breathe in the rich aroma of roasting turkey and sage. I glanced around the living room, unable to imagine living in a space so devoid of any warmth. Every piece of furniture was sharply lined and square—even the couch appeared to have hard edges instead of welcoming cushions. Their tables were glass and shiny chrome; the art on the walls was Cubist.

Melody arrived as we were all taking off our coats and putting them in the hallway closet. I gave her a quick hug. “Where’s Spencer?” I asked.

“The doctor said as long as he promises not to try to lift anything, he can be at work. I guess he’s going to expedite the orders or something while Victor cooks?”

“But I wanted to sign his cast,” Max said with a small pout. “I was going to draw a picture on it for him!”

Ava put her arm around her brother’s shoulders. “It’s okay,” she said, sounding more like a mother than a sister as she comforted him. “We can do it at the restaurant another day, all right?”

Max nodded, then leaned against her and wrapped his skinny arms around her slender waist. It amazed me how quickly they could go from arguing to affection with each other; I wished I could predict which direction they’d turn.

Melody smiled at them. “Are you guys ready for dinner? I’m starving. How about you?”

Max nodded, but Ava said, “Not really. My stomach kind of hurts.”

“Do you feel sick, honey?” I asked. “I think I have some Tums in my purse.” I started to rummage through my black leather bag. She did look a little pale.

“Not that kind of sick. But do you have any Tylenol? My head kind of hurts, too.” She grasped her forehead with her free hand and winced. Maybe that’s why she was snotty—she didn’t feel well.

“Let me check,” I said. “If I don’t, I’m sure Sam and Wade do.”

As though on cue, Sam stepped out of the kitchen to welcome us. “Gracie!” he said. “Melody! And kidlets!” He smiled at the kids, who waved at him. “So great to finally meet you.”

“You too,” Ava said. At least she was being polite to him.

“I like your hair,” Max said solemnly. “It’s very fiery.”

“Well, thank you, Max,” Sam said with a laugh. He ran his fingers through his close-cropped red curls. “Okay. Sorry to greet and run, but I’d better go see if Wade needs anything. The man would be lost without me.” He grabbed the cake from the table where Ava had set it down, then headed back into the kitchen.

“Come on,” I said as I pulled out the small bottle of Tylenol I had in my purse. “Let’s get you something to drink to wash this down with.” We followed my brother through the arched doorway and when we entered, I saw my mother seated at the breakfast bar, sipping at a glass of white wine while Wade and Sam stood at the counter, chopping vegetables.

“Hey, Grace,” Wade said, turning to look at us while continuing to work. “I’m Wade,” he said, smiling, to Max and Ava. They both waved again and gave him a small smile in return, still seeming a little uncomfortable. I couldn’t blame them, really. Having them there without Victor made me a little uncomfortable, too.

“I’m supervising,” my mom said. “Would you like to join me?”

“I will,” Melody said. She walked over and sat down on the other bar stool at the counter.

“In a minute.” I looked at Max and Ava, who were now hand in hand. “Is water good, Ava? Or maybe some Sprite to help settle your stomach?”

“Water, please,” Ava said, her manners toward me seeming to return. She really did look peaked—a little green around the edges. I hoped it wasn’t anything serious.

My mother furrowed her brow a bit and took a sip of her wine. “Everything okay?”

“She’s not feeling a hundred percent,” I said, reaching for a glass from the cupboard. I filled it from the dispenser in the front of the refrigerator, then handed it to Ava, along with a couple of Tylenols.

She released her brother’s hand and accepted them gratefully. “Thanks.”

“Want to help me put these potatoes in the water, Max?” Sam asked.

“Okay,” Max said, taking a couple of steps toward the counter.

“Do you want a glass of wine, Grace?” Wade asked.

“Maybe with dinner,” I said. For now, I poured myself a glass of water, too.

“I’m sorry that Victor couldn’t make it,” my mom said. Her tone was carefully measured.

“He’s sorry to miss it,” I said in an equally measured tone, not wanting to get in a big discussion about my relationship circumstances right before dinner, especially not in front of the kids. We’d talked earlier in the week, and I’d relayed a bit of the stress I was feeling getting used to having the kids with us full-time, so I knew she’d be carefully observing us today, gathering her own opinions.

“We are too,” Wade said, blowing me a kiss. “I’d hug you, doll,” he said, “but I’m covered in gravy.” He was a handsome man with slightly thinning blond hair, extremely fit and well dressed. Today, he wore a red apron over his loose-cut Levi’s and Ed Hardy T-shirt, and a pair of Buddy Holly–type glasses.

“You’re such a slob,” Sam said. “I don’t know why I put up with you.”

Wade leaned over to give him a quick peck on the cheek. “Because you can’t help yourself.”

“Grace,” Ava said in a tightly strung voice. “Where’s the bathroom?”

“Down the hall,” Sam answered for me, nodding toward the entryway that led out of the kitchen. “Second door on the left.”

“Thanks,” she said, and quickly turned around, walking in a stiff, strange motion. I felt a twinge of concern in my own stomach, wondering if she had some kind of a virus or if it was just the stress of facing the first major holiday without her mother. With Victor’s having to be at the restaurant, she could have been feeling even more abandoned.

“Poor thing,” Melody said, reaching for a carrot from the veggie tray Sam had set out in front of them. “I hope she’s okay.”

“Me too,” I said, leaning against the wall behind me and taking a sip from my glass.

Sam gave Max a little nudge with his elbow. “So, tell me, Max,” he said as he cut potatoes into inch-wide cubes. “Is there anything you’re especially grateful for this year?”

I held my breath, wondering if this was a loaded question for my brother to ask. Kelli had died just over a month ago—I wasn’t sure if there was anything Max would be grateful for right now. I suddenly worried he’d lose it, like he had the night he wet the bed.

But Max, who had been scooping up pieces of cubed potato and dropping them into a silver pan filled with water, simply paused a moment before answering. “Well,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone, “I’m pretty grateful that Grace isn’t cooking this dinner.”

“Ha!” Sam said, patting Max on the back. “Me too!”

“Me too!” my mom and Melody chimed in unison.

“Hey now!” I protested, though I was laughing. “Be nice!”

We all chatted for a few minutes, making small talk about how business was going at the Loft and how many new clients Melody had during the holiday season. I kept glancing in the direction Ava had gone, waiting for her to return, but she didn’t. “I’m going to check on her,” I said, placing my glass on the speckled granite countertop. I made my way down the dark hallway, stopping in front of the bathroom door. A thin sliver of light glowed beneath it and I heard the quiet but still audible sound of Ava’s crying.

“Sweetie?” I said, knocking softly. “What’s wrong? Did you get sick?”

“No,” Ava said. Her words were muffled by the door and her tears. “Please go away.”

“I can’t,” I said quietly, placing my palm flat against the door. “I’m worried about you.” I paused. “Is it just being here without your dad? I’m sure you’re missing your mom so much today, too. It’s totally normal to be sad—”

“It’s not that!” she cried out as she flung open the door, leaving me standing with my palm in the empty air. Her eyes were swollen and she was still very pale. I dropped my hand and reached out to smooth her hair from her face.

“Then what is it?” I asked, attempting to keep my tone low and calm.

She dropped her chin down, shaking her head back and forth. “I don’t want to tell you.”

As I considered her symptoms, a realization clicked in my mind. Headache, stomachache, pale skin, and now hiding in the bathroom. “Did you get your period?” I asked in a soft voice, so no one else would hear. She was the right age for it, and as far as I knew, she hadn’t gotten it yet. If she had, I was pretty sure I would have seen the evidence in the bathroom over the last year.

Max chose this moment to pop his head around the corner from the kitchen. “Did she barf?” he called out, and I had to repress a giggle.

“No!” Ava snapped, and reached to close the door in my face, but I stopped her by stepping through the threshold.

“We’ll be out in a few minutes, Max,” I said. “Can you ask Melody to come talk with me, please?”

“Okay!” he said, and disappeared.

I looked back at Ava, who had dropped down to sit on the edge of the bathtub, her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook as she cried. “I miss my mom,” she said.

The muscles in my throat tensed hearing the pain in her voice. I closed the door behind me and put the toilet lid down so I could sit, too. “I know you do, honey. I’m so sorry. This is all so hard.” I paused. “What do you miss most about her?”

She looked at me hesitantly. “I don’t know how to say it. I just miss her. She’s supposed to be here for me. To help me. And she just left.”

“What was your favorite thing to do with her? Cook?”

Ava shook her head. “Dance, I guess. She liked to dance.”

“Ah. So that’s why you’re so good at it.” Her wanting to join the team suddenly made more sense.

“I miss her so much. I want her to come back.” Her shoulders began to shake and I reached over and put my hand on the top of her thigh, rubbing lightly. I wanted to hug her, but it felt like there was an invisible shield between us. I didn’t want to push my luck and have an already fragile link shatter.

I was quiet for a few minutes, just letting her cry. Letting her miss her mother without my trying to make her feel better, which I knew was a pointless endeavor. Like the women I worked with, who came to us with not just broken bones but grief-ridden souls, Ava needed to let the pain out. All I could do was bear witness to her sorrow so she wouldn’t have to work through it on her own.

When she finally quieted, I spoke again, knowing we needed to deal with the more practical issue at hand. “Are you bleeding a lot or just a little?”

“Just a little.” Her voice was small. “I just put some toilet paper—”

“Good,” I said, gently cutting her off. I remember being horrified having to discuss anything related to my body with my mother, so I wanted to save her from having to explain the details. “I don’t have any supplies with me, so hopefully Melody will. I’m pretty sure Sam and Wade don’t keep any around. But we can always make a run to the store, okay? Everything will be fine.”

She gave a short groan. “This is so embarrassing.”

“I know,” I said, reaching out to rub her back. She wore her mother’s red sweater with a black skirt, as she had the day of Kelli’s memorial. “I think every girl gets embarrassed when it happens. I remember when I got my first period. I was twelve, wearing white jeans, and I was at school.”

She looked at me with wide eyes. “Really?” Her hand flew to cover her mouth, then dropped it again. “What did you do?”

“I ran to the bathroom and my teacher sent the school nurse in to help me.”

“That’s awful. I would have died.”

I chuckled. “I felt that way at the time, too, but I got over it. Eventually.” She gave me a small smile and I felt such an overwhelming wave of fondness for her in that moment, I almost began crying myself. But then there was a soft knock on the door, and Melody opened it.

“So this is where the party is!” she said. “Why didn’t I get an invite?”

“Do you have any tampons?” I asked her in a low voice, and understanding quickly blossomed across her face. She nodded.

She took a step toward Ava and leaned down to hug her. “Welcome to the club, darlin’.” She returned less than a minute later with her purse in hand, then pulled out a small blue box and placed it on the counter next to the sink. I stood up, too.

“I’ll be right outside, if you need help,” I said. Melody moved into the hallway and I started to follow her, but then Ava spoke again.

“Grace?”

I stopped and turned to look at her. “Do you want me to stay?”

She pressed her lips together and shook her dark head. “No. I’ll be fine. But . . . thank you.”

“You’re welcome, honey,” I said, giving her a warm smile before rejoining the rest of my family, suddenly feeling like I had a whole new reason to give thanks.