Gone Bitch: A Parody of Gone Girl

Next up on Amy’s Murder-Framing To Do List? Fake a pregnancy!

Why should I be satisfied with the public hating Nick for murdering his beautiful, innocent wife, when they could really hate him for murdering his beautiful, innocent, pregnant wife? It seemed like a no-brainer.

Faking my own pregnancy should not have been that hard. My plan was pretty simple: since my neighbor Noelle is pregnant, just get some of her pee, and use it as my own pee on a pregnancy test. No problem, right?

So I invited Noelle over one day for some lemonade. I’d turned off the toilet, so that when she inevitably had to pee, she wouldn’t be able to flush, and voila, I’d have my pregnant pee!

The problem is, I didn’t factor in that Noelle would come over right after eating a giant lunch. And that as soon as she walked in she’d have to take a giant shit.

So of course, as soon as Noelle walks in she says she needs to use the bathroom, and I tell her “the toilet isn’t working so don’t flush,” and then she shits and doesn’t pee, and so now we have to sit there making chit-chat and drinking lemonade while the entire house smells like shit.

What’s worse, I hadn’t factored in that Noelle has an enormous bladder from constantly drinking so much beer. So it takes forever for her to have to pee.

And finally, to top it all off, when Noelle finally does pee, I have to collect the pee from a bowl of shit.

Note to self: next time you fake a pregnancy, make allowance for shit.