Fire with Fire

IT’S DINNERTIME AND I’M PARKED A HALF BLOCK away from Lillia’s house, chain-smoking with my car windows rolled up tight. The snow hasn’t stopped falling since last night, and my windshield is almost completely blanketed white.

I’ve been waiting an hour for her to come home. I’m not sure where she is. Maybe at Rennie’s mom’s apartment, comforting her. Maybe with Ash, or some of the other girls from the cheer-leading squad, holding each other and crying.

My heart hurts bad. Rennie and I were friends for a long time. Even with our break during high school, I know our friendship was deeper and longer and eclipsed anything she had with anyone else.

I can’t even go over to her apartment. It’s not like I have a right. It’s not like anyone would think to check on how I’m dealing, or give me a shoulder to cry on. No one is explaining to me why this happened, what was the cause of the accident, what the fuck we’re all supposed to do now.

I’ve texted Lillia maybe ten times, and she hasn’t written back once. Not one fucking time, when she knows that Rennie was my best friend too.

Maybe she’s still with Reeve.

I don’t feel like I can even go check on Mary until I talk to Lil so she can explain what the hell is going on.

I let my head fall against the windshield and my eyes close, but as soon as they do, the tears come flooding back. This is all fucking crazy. It’s insanity.

I haven’t slept. Not a wink. Just sobbed and smoked, sobbed and smoked on repeat since I saw her Jeep burning in the ravine.

I glance at the dashboard clock. It’s five p.m.

Rennie’s been dead fifteen hours.

Fifteen hours ago. I was the last person to see her alive. I gave her her keys. I let her drive.

I start shaking, shaking and crying, and my head hurts so fucking bad. I stick my hand in my pocket and take the Valium that Pat handed me when I first tried to lie down, after we’d gotten home from the woods. Lord knows where he even got it. I wash it down with a sip of cold gas-station coffee.

I guess I eventually do nod off, because I don’t know how long has passed before I hear a knock at my window.

Lillia.

I lean across the car and open the passenger-side door. She climbs in. The skin around her eyes is pink and her face looks so pale.

“Sorry I didn’t text you back,” she whispers. “I was with her mom. She . . . she’s in really bad shape.”

I just stare at Lillia, because I don’t know what to say. She starts crying. Quiet, delicate tears.

“Do they know what happened? Why she crashed?”

“I don’t know. The officers aren’t saying yet.”

“Did you know she had pictures of you putting E in Reeve’s drink?”

Lillia pales. “You saw them?”

“Yeah. Rennie showed me after you left. I had to convince her to leave with me and not show everybody at the party. I went back and got them and burned them, but I don’t know if they’re the only copies or what.”

Lillia closes her eyes. “I can’t even think about that right now.”

“Well, you better think about it because if anyone else see those pictures, we’re fucked.” I feel my lip curl. “What the hell happened with you and Reeve last night?”

Her mouth starts opening and closing, but no words come out.

“For fuck’s sake, Lillia!” I shake my head and wrap my hands around the steering wheel. “What are you going to say to Mary?”

“I don’t know, okay!” Lillia shouts, wiping her eyes. “I can’t even think straight right now.”

I rail on. “I hope you don’t think that I’m going to be the one to tell her, do your dirty work for you. That’s on you.”

“Kat, God! Can you just—can you just give it a rest? Rennie’s dead. My oldest friend in the world is dead.”

I slam my hands on the steering wheel and scream my throat raw. “You don’t think I know that! You think you were the only one who cared about her?”

Lillia wipes her tears with the sleeve of her coat. “I can’t believe any of this is happening.” She turns toward me, eyes sad but hopeful. “I mean, this could all be a bad dream. Right?”