DRAMA NOVEL ONLINE Finding You: Chapter 19
I spent the afternoon after the trip cleaning gear, replacing lines, and making an inventory of anything that needed to be replaced. Brandon tried to help, but after I’d snapped at him—twice—I sent him home so he wouldn’t have to deal with me. I preferred to work alone, anyway.
I also texted Finn and let him know the guide was successful. Everyone left happy, and two even asked about a repeat trip in the spring.
I needed to figure out a way to tell Finn about what went down with Joanna this weekend. I still didn’t know how to tell him without sounding like a total douche, but that was a risk I was going to have to take. Finn deserved to know the truth, and it was my job to face it.
Frowning, I looked out the window at the fading sunlight. I wanted nothing more than to head back to the cottage on Mr. Bailey’s property and nurse my foul mood. Unfortunately, I hadn’t planned ahead and was going back to an empty fridge. I decided I could spend an hour at The Pidge, get some food, and share a beer with Colin. Maybe Deck would even be there, and I could forget all about Joanna, the way her skin felt beneath my hands, how her laugh bubbled up and made the hairs on my arms stand on end.
When I passed the Chikalu Rose Motel, I didn’t want to glance over, but I couldn’t help myself. I wondered if Joanna was still there or if she’d left town as soon as she could get away. My question was answered when I saw her standing in the doorway to a room, with her arms wrapped around my brother. My gut burned. Finn had his arms around her, wrapped in an embrace, and he kissed the top of her head.
Of course, they were together.
I needed to steel myself against the reality that Finn and Joanna would likely end up together. If I were to be in his life, that was a fact I would need to accept. Hammering the gas, I stared ahead as I drove down the block to the bar.
A burger and a beer later, I was still nursing my sour mood at a dark corner table. Colin was busy setting up the next band, but I’d promised him I would stick around long enough for a drink with him.
The moment she walked in, I felt it. Static electricity crackled in the air. My head whipped up to see her pushing the entrance to the door open, scanning for an empty table.
Maybe she won’t see me. Make an excuse to Colin and just leave. You can’t trust yourself around her.
The way her hair billowed from the breeze outside as the door closed had my pulse galloping. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her.
There was a decent crowd to eat and enjoy the band, but not a few steps into the bar, she saw me. Joanna stopped abruptly. Something flickered over her face, and she looked down, but then suddenly back up and stared directly at me.
With purposeful strides, she walked straight to my small table. Fuck.
“Fancy meeting you here.”
Ignore the tightness in your chest. Breathe. “That’s small-town life for you. Not a lot of options on a weeknight.” I couldn’t seem to look at her.
“Apparently.” At that, she smiled. “I was just popping in to get a bite. Can you keep me company?” she asked, already pulling the chair from under the table.
I just looked at the chair, and she paused. Don’t be a dick.
“Of course. I already ate but you can have the table.” I shifted to stand.
“Please don’t go because of me,” she said, looking down. “If I make you that uncomfortable, I can eat somewhere else.”
I recovered from the citrus scent of her hair long enough to realize how much of an asshole I was still being. Clearly, she was trying to make things less awkward and I wasn’t letting her.
“No,” I said, sighing. “Of course not. It’s fine.”
Joanna sat, looking around and tapping her finger on the scarred wood top of the table. The corner section was tight, forcing us to sit side by side, knees nearly touching. I stared at the beer between my hands and focused on breathing rather than how soft her hair looked as pieces of it fell from her bun.
As the silence stretched, she added, “I’m sorry if I made things uncomfortable on the trip.”
“Oh.” I turned to finally look at her. Her eyes were cast down, and her fingers picked at an imaginary something on the wood. “No, it’s fine. It was . . .” I didn’t know how to do this.
“Well, I thought about it and I think we should just let this be . . .” she waved a hand in the air, “whatever it was. Friends?” She reached out her hand to me.
I looked down at her slim hand. It looked so small compared to mine, and I couldn’t help but remember how it felt when it had run up the muscles of my back as I drove into her.
Focus. Breathe.
Pushing the thought from my mind, I slid my hand into hers, and she pumped it once and nodded her head.
“Friends,” she confirmed. She seemed to relax a little, letting herself lean against the back of the chair. She looked around the bar again, her eyes settling on the stage. “Does he play?” she asked, nodding toward Colin as he fitted a guitar strap over his head.
“Yeah. Really well, actually. He pursued it seriously for a while, but then some family stuff had him coming back,” I said. It was the truth. Colin had learned to play guitar when we were kids, and he was incredible. Had a good voice, too. But he’d made it pretty clear that he had no intentions of ever leaving Chikalu Falls again. I shook my head slightly in disbelief at the thought. When I looked back at her, she wasn’t looking at Colin anymore, but had her eyes roaming over me.
“Can I get you something, honey?” the waitress asked her.
She cleared her throat and looked away, a blush rising to her cheeks. I smiled at that and took a pull from my beer. “Burgers are good,” I offered.
“Yes. Perfect,” she said, still a little flustered. “I’ll take a cheeseburger, everything on it. Fries. And the amber lager, please.”
Colin and the house band started a new song, and she focused her attention on the stage. I used the opportunity to peek at her. She was freshly showered—that’s probably why I could still smell that damn citrus shampoo—and had changed out of her guide clothes. She wore light jeans, the kind that were tight all the way down her legs, that were cuffed at the bottom. Her hiking boots were replaced with Converse sneakers that matched the snug black V-neck top that plunged dangerously low. I wanted to run my tongue down her neck and dip into her cleavage. Her clothes were casual, she wasn’t trying to be noticed, but the firm lines of her body made any man within a five-mile radius take notice. As my eyes traveled over her, they paused on the bracelet she still wore. My heart thumped and a rush of pride filled me when I realized she hadn’t taken it off.
“Did Finn ask you to guide for him next week?” I asked her, trying to get an idea of how long I would be torturing myself with her around.
“He did.” She smiled at the waitress as she dropped off her beer and took a long pull. “But I’m not going to be able to fill in again, so he’s calling around.” Her finger picked at the label of the beer bottle.
I knew it was best for me that Joanna not be in Chikalu. It made things less complicated for everyone involved, but the idea of her not being around when I had spent so long looking for her created a dull ache at the base of my skull.
“Finn told me what you said about Mr. Bailey’s property—about the access point and using it like the Chaney’s,” I said, trying to change the subject. “It’s an interesting idea. I’m talking to him about it this week.”
Joanna’s eyes flew to mine, lighting up. “That’s amazing! I could see it all when I was hiking there that day . . . the river, cottages, the Big House. It could really be something.”
I liked seeing her this excited. She buzzed with energy. “Mr. Bailey’s a piece of work. He doesn’t really like change, but it may be a way to convince him to use the land for the community. He’s big into conservation. He would never admit it, but he’s lonely too. I think having people using his land in that way would actually make the old bastard pretty happy.”
She perked up at the table, and I could see those magnificent eyes turning over all of the possibilities. She played lightly with her lower lip, and my thoughts immediately went to my mouth on hers.
Fuck. She is so kissable. Maybe no one would notice in the dark corner of the bar.
My jaw clenched. I had to put those thoughts out of my head.
Surely by now, people knew Joanna was here, and if they saw Finn’s brother making out with her, I’d have to deal with that in a matter of minutes—that’s just how small towns worked. Honestly, the rumor mill was probably already buzzing, just because we were sitting here together.
I drained my beer and let the moment fade. Even though I knew better, I caught the eye of the waitress and signaled for another beer. When she came back with Joanna’s food, she placed my beer in front of me.
Joanna took a generous bite of her burger, a drop of ketchup plopping onto the plate. “Oh my god . . .” she said, eyes closed, mouth full.
I couldn’t help but laugh at her enthusiasm. “That good, huh?”
“You weren’t lying. These are damn good,” she said, scooping the dripped ketchup with a fry and licking her fingertip with a pop. My eyes watched the movement as if it were in slow motion, and my body stiffened in response.
Act normal. You’re friends now, remember?
Joanna noticed my stiff movements and grew a little quiet. As she looked down, I saw her eyes settle on the tattoos that trailed up my forearm.
“Can I ask about those?” she asked, pointing to the scars and ink splayed across my skin.
“Shit. These I’ve had for a long time. They used to look pretty good, once upon a time. None of them are special,” I lied. I didn’t notice that I’d covered the scarred wings with my opposite hand until Joanna laid her hand on mine lightly.
“You don’t have to cover them,” she said softly. “They tell your story.”
I stared at my arm, her soft hand covering mine. I wanted to turn my hand over to hold hers, but instead, I slipped my hand into my lap. “Well, that’s a story no one wants to hear,” I said. “It’s kind of a bummer.”
Joanna wiped her hands on her napkin and took a sip of her beer. I watched her lips again. “I’d like to hear it someday,” she said. “But just the parts you want to tell me.”
Really? She was willing to listen to my story and not press for details I didn’t want to share? Not that I’d had many girlfriends, but most women I’d met wanted to know every detail—especially the stories I didn’t want to tell. There was something about dating a Marine that seemed to make women care more about the Bronze Star and less about the work it took to stay sane afterward or the hollow-gut feeling whenever I thought about the men I’d let die in the field. “There’s not much to tell. I signed up, fought hard, got hurt, sent home.”
She nodded. “Not really according to plan, then, huh?”
“Nah. I was a lifer. Just didn’t work out that way, though.”
Joanna picked up that I was done talking about it, and to her credit, she didn’t press. “So what’s the new plan?”
I looked at Colin playing on the stage, and a strange, yet familiar bubble of humor rippled through me. “Rock. God.”
I was rewarded with a fit of giggles from her, and making her laugh made my stomach flip. I tried to hide my reaction with a sip of my beer. She just made me feel so damn good—like the old part of me, before the death and the pain of my life overseas hardened me, was coming back.
“So tell me about you,” I said, wanting to shift the focus away from me, my tattoos, and the fact that I somehow had to be friends with the perfect girl.
“I’m not sure there’s much to tell. I’m kind of boring, to be honest.”
“I don’t believe that for a fucking second,” I said. “How’d you get into guide fishing?”
A warm smile spread across her face. “Pop. My grandpa.” She told me all about her grandfather and how he’d taken her under his wing. She shared that her parents wanted her to be a teacher, but that never quite felt right. I understood how it felt to be an outsider in your own family, but I didn’t share that with her.
I learned that she’d been visiting Chikalu Falls since she was a kid, and I couldn’t help but think how different my life could have been if I’d met her first. I warmed at the thought of meeting her when we were kids. I could picture a cute little girl with cool gray-green eyes and dirty hands splashing in the river.
When she’d broken the news to her parents that she wasn’t going to school to be a teacher, but rather the community college in Chikalu, they’d been upset. She’d moved anyway, met Finn in a college class—I was already overseas—and started guiding full time. She never brought up the letters—though I did catch another glance at my forearm—and neither did I.
“So your parents don’t realize you’re still a teacher, then?” I asked.
She made a small face. “No. Not at all. You see, Mr. and Mrs. James have very specific ideas about what it means to be a lady. Fishing definitely does not fit into that. They don’t really see it as anything more than a tomboy’s hobby. My parents don’t really get me.”
“James? Your name is Joanna James? That’s an amazing name. Like an outlaw.” My chest hitched at the smile that spread across her face.
“Pew, pew.” She shot fingers guns, and I fucking lost it. Together we laughed. I loved that she had such an easy way about her. I caught myself looking at her again. Her eyes turned toward me, and I got lost in their warmth, delight, and affection. I loved that I could make her laugh and that just the sound of it made me feel lighter.
Why the fuck couldn’t things be different?
Talking with Joanna was easy, natural. I felt more relaxed than I had in months. I didn’t want to break whatever spell we were under by putting her on the spot, and something about her relationship with my brother gnawed at the back of my mind. I needed to remain in control and get a handle on it myself. If we avoided talking about Finn or the letters or my unrequited feelings for her, I could do this.
“So what’s next for Joanna James, outlaw? Roaming the West?” I asked.
She dragged the last of her fries through the ketchup and gave my question some thought. “That,” she responded with a sigh, “is the million-dollar question.”
“I don’t know, Joanna . . . you don’t seem like a marauder to me.”
“I haven’t had roots in a long time. But I know I want to find my home, where I’m supposed to end up. Honestly, I thought I might already have kids by now, but that’s just not how things worked out.” She shrugged her shoulders lightly.
She shifted uncomfortably and I knew I was playing with fire by asking her about her plans to stay, but I couldn’t help myself.
“What about you?” she cut in. “I imagine you have your pick of the single ladies around here?”
Fuck. The conversation took a left turn, and I did not want to talk about this.
I mirrored her shrug. “Nah. I’m not the marrying kind.” I tapped my temple. “Too much shit up here. My temper’s unpredictable, and I’d rather be alone. I’m gearing up to be the next Mr. Bailey. Someone will have to be the next town crab-ass eventually.”
She laughed a little hmph but didn’t say anything more.
Joanna changed the subject, and we spent the next hour talking about the town, small towns versus big cities, travel out east. She asked about Colin and his almost music career. Once, she and Finn had tried to surprise Deck for his birthday but ended up almost getting arrested instead. I laughed, never having heard that one before, but also a little sad that I’d missed it.
Joanna filled the space with easy banter. Lulls in the conversation weren’t uncomfortable, and I was mesmerized when she would hum and sway to a song she liked. Once an old, upbeat country song played and her eyes danced along with the couples two-stepping on the dance floor.
I wished I had the balls to ask her to dance. I knew how. Hell, I was a great fucking dancer, but I couldn’t do it. Just the thought of my arms around her again shifted my thoughts into dangerous territory. My hand flexed at the image of it wrapping around her small waist.
Joanna was the kind of pretty that was understated, uncovered, and real. She had no fucking clue that the curve of her ass down to her strong legs made me want to burn every bridge I had, throw away any relationship, just to be with her. But now that we’d agreed to be friends, I’d blown my chances.
Why hadn’t I worshipped that body when I had the chance? Stroking my dick in the shower and thinking of her, only to find her there with the hot look of desire on her face unraveled me. I was hurried and frantic and didn’t take the time to show her how gorgeous she truly was. So fucking selfish.
Her sigh broke me from my trance. Joanna gently rubbed her palms on her thighs. “Well . . . I should call it a night.”
At that, I frowned but nodded. I knew she was right, but it physically hurt to think about watching her walk away. Somehow, in this dim little corner of the bar, it felt intimate. Before I could stop her, Joanna was standing, ready to walk out of my life for good.