Falling Awake (Unbreakable #2)

I took a deep breath as I was standing in front of Jim’s house again.

The scratch in the lower right corner of the front door was still there. Quite a lame Christmas decoration my uncle had put on the windows didn’t changed. The rusty mailbox with the weird sticker of a doctor remained exactly the same.

Yet, I felt different.

I inhaled the fresh smell of forest, its woodsy fragrance I had missed so much. The sun caressed my cheeks, I would have sworn I heard the chirping of birds. For a moment it overwhelmed me, the incredibly pleasant impression as if spring were about to begin. As if nature were awakening, as if the snowdrops were already trying to make their way through the hard soil up. As if the tree next to my window supposed to bloom soon.

For a little while.

And then it disappeared.

It all faded away as soon as I realized that January had just begun. That none of this could have been real. That I succumbed to a faint hope which winter would steal from me more than once.

Damn, that tree next to my window...

“Enjoy the journey, don’t think about the destination. You never know where it may lead you and what it may bring you.”

Scotch’s words popped into my mind, I recalled them as I was still staring ahead of me, unable to move. And in an instant, I was determined to keep the promise I´d made the night we´d said goodbye. I was as determined as never before. To leave it all behind me, to start new. Even there was no end in sight to my winter.

Even though Eric Lestrad was probably only a ten-minute drive from here.

I made up my mind. Walking down the path to Jim’s house, walking back into my normal life, I vowed to obey my beloved friend. I vowed to get the best out of my stay here.

Six minutes and twenty-eight seconds.

That’s exactly how long my oath lasted.

Until I opened the door to my room. Until I saw a teddy bear, lying on my bed. A big teddy bear from the ‘Me to You’ collection. The one that looked worn-out, making you want to hug it.

I burst out laughing just to start crying right away. It was all useless. The whole Christmas holidays, spent two states away from him, was absolutely useless.

I didn’t care how he´d got into my room despite a locked house. I didn’t care that he´d been here. All I wanted, all I terribly longed for was to know why. Why did he get me a present? Why did he even bother?

And when the hell he stops torturing me.

The only thing that occurred to me, that seemed at least a little logical was that he´d bought it just like me. That he´d bought it maybe a month ago when we still had been friends. And now, he didn’t want to throw it into garbage. I couldn’t have done that either. I smiled pretty sarcastically, pulling his present out from the deepest corner of my closet where I´d hidden it.

Actually, it was a wonderful, an absolutely perfect irony, that we both remembered the same evening when he took me for a walk. The evening when it snowed for the first time this winter. He fulfilled my dream and I bought him a miniature of his.

Just a stupid insignificant memory.

“Jim,” I uttered, watching suspiciously what my uncle was trying to do with the pots, “would you do something for me?”

Oh gosh, is he trying to cook?

“Of course, honey,” he turned to me. “What do you need?”

I put Eric’s wrapped gift on the kitchen table, refusing to look at it anymore. “Could you ask Will to pass it to his son?” I begged, trying to sound like I hadn’t been crying for at least three hours.

I was grateful to him when he nodded. When he just smiled sympathetically at me and didn’t say a word. And I, leaving the kitchen and the pots to their fate, considered this a closure.

But the time passed.

Dammit, it passed too quickly, and I didn’t manage to prepare for it.

I slept, I got up, I slept, I got up. And meanwhile, I was just reading. For the rest of the week, I didn’t let the books off my hands. Because to occupy myself with someone else’s story meant not to deal with mine. It meant to stop thinking about being home alone, as Jim had to get back to work.

I was happy when Jess called. I didn’t even protest when she wanted me to go shopping with her. Because bruised muscles, dehydration, even the total exhaustion seemed more pleasant option than facing my broken heart.

And I was also very surprised when I found a message from Colin. He asked me how I was, how I´d spent Christmas, whether I´d enjoyed holidays. It wasn’t a bad idea to answer him, I admitted it at 1:30 a.m. when I almost fell off the chair, laughing out loud as he was describing his crazy Christmas Eve with his family. When the boy wasn’t trying to hit on me, he could be really nice. So nice that I didn’t hesitate to reply him, when he wrote me the next day again. And then the day after that.

Actually, he made me almost fall from my chair twice when he sent me a photo of his new motorbike. I knew he´d been saving for it for a quite long time and this Christmas he fulfilled his dream by buying it. And I was happy for him, I mean, the boy seemed to be truly excited. So much excited that he passed his exhilaration even on me and I didn’t hesitate to accept his invitation to be part of his test drive.

And that was all.

There was nothing else that would have made me happy. Nothing else that would have filled my days.

It’s OK, Lara, you have seven days.

Chill out, girl, there are six days left.

You have five days! There´s no reason to panic!

Four more days! Stop freaking out! That’s more than half a week!

Damn! Is it already Friday?

Weekend, Lara, you have the whole weekend! Calm down, it will be good.

I was sitting on my bed on Sunday night. There were a lot of things I wanted to do, I needed to do. Yet, my muscles betrayed me, they refused to move. My head didn’t help me either, as it conceded defeat and let the chaotic thoughts take over my mind.

Yes, I felt better. My health condition improved, but my heart still suffered from a huge rupture. I didn’t expect it to work good, I didn’t hope it could ever beat like before. My diagnosis called Eric Lestrad remained, but I learned to live with it. After three weeks of holidays, the states of anxiety and endless moments when my chest literally ached, were over. However, the apathy, the feeling of emptiness persisted.

Sure, I was no longer suffocating. I learned to take it the way it was. But that could change tomorrow within the snap of a finger.

No, Lara, no! NO!

Don’t think about it, you just need to avoid him.

If you try a little bit you´re not gonna even meet him.

School building is huge and spacious isn’t it?

Well…, yeah...

Except for English.

The last class, which we share together.

Fuck!