Double Lines

I sit on the toilet seat, waiting. People have come in and out of the cubicles next to me, and still, I haven’t moved. Tears have run and dried down my face as I sit with the white stick. It’s been three minutes, and my phone has already beeped, but I can’t bring myself to look at the stick in my hand.

The thing is, I know. I already know without having to look. I’ve been sick for the last three weeks. In the afternoons, I feel a nauseating sensation in my stomach. I feel like I want to vomit but can’t. I’m also moody as hell, and the final sign… my period. I have a period tracker app on my phone and am late.

So having this white stick in my hand will only confirm what I already know, what I don’t want to be true.

I sniff, twisting the stick so the test window appears. Double lines show in the window. Pregnant. A crying noise escapes my mouth as more tears spring free. I’m pregnant. And it’s not my ex-boyfriend’s. It’s not even someone I know well.

Wiping my face with my hand, I throw the test in the sanitary disposal box next to the toilet. Standing, I get up and walk out of the cubicle.

My face is flushed from crying, and my eyes are red and puffy. I wash my face with water and try to breathe in and out slowly. Once satisfied, I leave the bathroom and head for my dorm room.

Tilly, my friend and dormmate, who bought the test for me, sits at her desk in our small room.

“How was it?” Tilly asks, giving me a small smile.

“Positive” Is the only word I manage to say before Tilly rolls her chair back and hugs me. I don’t want to cry, but I do.

“What are you going to do now?” Tilly asks when I finally stop. I shrug.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do,” I tell her.

Tilly takes my hand and leads me to her bed, making me sit with her.

“Well, you have choices. You can have the baby or abort it. But it’s up to you. Will you tell your ex?”

I shake my head. I don’t want to tell Tilly that this baby is definitely not my ex’s. I’m so embarrassed about the whole ordeal. The fact that he left me for the girl involved makes me feel worthless. And the baby’s real father? I’ve only seen him around campus twice since I broke up with Noah. He looks at me and then looks away. We both lost out after what happened. I can’t do that to him.

“I’ll have to make an appointment to see the doctor,” I mumble. Tilly smiles weakly.

“I’ll call Campus Clinic and make an appointment for you. Do you want me to come?”

I nod.

The days went by surprisingly quickly. Because the doctor’s clinic on campus was fairly busy, we had to book my appointment a few days in advance. I made Tilly promise not to tell our other dormmates about my condition, and Tilly nodded. She wouldn’t have known if she hadn’t seen me staring at my phone the other day.

“Miss Carter?”

Tilly and I look up at the doctor, who stands there at the door. We stand, and the doctor looks at us.

“That’s me,” I tell him. He nods and leads us through the hallway and to his office.

“Now, what can I do for you today?” the doctor asks.

“I’m pregnant, at least; I’m pretty sure I am,” I tell him. He nods.

“And when was your last period?” Doctor Singh asks.

“Three months ago,” I admit, “but I’m eight weeks along,” I tell him.

“You sure about that?” he asks. I nod.

“That was the last time I had sex,” I admit. I’ve already done the math in my head. The last time I had sex was eight weeks ago, so I’m at least eight weeks along. This is why I’m so sure that Noah, my ex, is not the father. We haven’t been intimate for months.

“Okay, and you’ve done a pregnancy test?”

“Yes,” Tilly and I both respond. I look at Tilly, who looks back at me with a small smile. She grabs my hand and squeezes it.

“And you’re together?” Doctor Singh asks, noticing our actions.

“Oh, no, no, no!” Tilly and I both protest.

“My apologies. Let’s see how far along you are, shall we?” the doctor asks. We nod, and the doctor leads us to another part of the clinic, to a small, dark room with a bed and a computer terminal.

“Just wait here, and I’ll get a radiologist. Once done, come back to my room,” the doctor says, leaving Tilly and me behind. We wait, and a young Asian woman walks into the room.

“Hi, I’m Jenny, and I’ll be doing your ultrasound. Can you hop onto the bed and pull your shirt up and pants down for me?” She asks. I do as she asks, feeling very vulnerable as she pushes my pants further down than I anticipated, close to the hairline of my private parts. I look at Tilly for support, and she smiles.

Jenny turns around with a tube and microphone-like instrument.

“This will be cold, sorry,” Jenny tells me. I flinch as the blue gel is put on my stomach. Yup, it’s cold.

“So are you a resident here or…” I begin, trying to make conversation. The Campus Clinic is primarily operated by medical students in their final university years. It is linked to a proper teaching hospital, but that’s about the extent of my knowledge about it. Most students, like myself, attend the campus clinic for their regular health needs.

“No, I’m an intern. This is my final year. But don’t worry, I’m good. Nothing less than a C,” Jenny laughs. She pushes the end of the microphone stick into my stomach, typing things on the computer’s keyboard.

“And that is your baby’s head…” Jenny tells me, pointing to the black-and-white screen.

“Wow, it looks like a little alien!” Tilly smiles. I nod in agreement.

“Yup. And it looks like you’re due in March, the twenty-second to be exact,” Jenny tells me.

“Can you tell if it’s a boy or a girl?” Tilly asks. Jenny chuckles.

“No, not until fourteen weeks. Okay, you can wipe the gel off now and return to the doctor,” Jenny smiles.

“And what are your plans?” the doctor asks once he confirms my pregnancy and discusses my options. I sigh. I can still terminate my pregnancy as I have time, but truthfully, I knew as soon as I saw the two lines that I couldn’t do that.

“When do I need to make my next appointment?” I ask, looking at my doctor.

I lay on my bed, looking at the ceiling. Tilly is asleep across from me, and my other dormmates, Piper and Joy, are asleep in the bottom bunkbeds. The thoughts in my head evade any chance of sleep. My life has changed so much since Noah and I broke up. And it’s only going to change again.

I could stay and have my baby here. But I can’t imagine walking around campus with a growing belly and seeing Noah and his new girlfriend. Or seeing him. That would be worse. I hardly knew the guy and couldn’t do it to him. And I couldn’t go home and have my baby there, either. Noah and I were high-school sweethearts. If I went home, my parents would think the baby was Noah’s, and Noah’s parents would think it was Noah’s. And then Noah would find out. I can’t have that.

I’ve made my decision. I want this baby. But I can’t have it and raise it here. I think about my options. Obviously, going home is not an option. Staying here is not an option. I’ll need to leave. I have family… but I’d need to call her. I’ve never met this person before, but I’ve been told if I ever needed help, she’d be there for me. Tears form in my eyes as I think about the consequences of that night. That one night that changed everything for me.

I’ll have to be brave… and call her. And if she says yes, I’ll need to make an appointment to see the Dean of Students in the admin building.

What did I get myself into?

“Babe…” Noah says, walking over to me as I sit at the kitchen table with a cup of tea. I look up at him, hopeful. We’ve been distant the last few months. We haven’t had sex in a while, and I miss his displays of affection.

“Yeah? You want a cup of tea?” I ask. Noah shakes his head.

“I know things between us have been… strained….” Noah begins. I nod. Noah is doing his engineering degree and has had more hands-on projects, so he had to spend time on campus completing them.

“Yeah,” I sigh, looking back at my tea.

“Well, I was wondering if you would consider spicing up our relationship…” Noah suggests. I look at him, my mouth slightly ajar.

“What… What do you mean?” I ask. Noah shrugs. I’m thinking threesome? Bondage? I don’t know about either of those things. I do know he’s suggested a threesome before in the past. Two girls and him. But I don’t know how I’d feel about sharing. I don’t know if I could do it.

“Well, I met this girl and…” Noah continues. All I can think of is that I knew it. He wants to introduce a girl to our relationship.

“What do you think? Mikaela?”

“Sorry… what was that?” I ask. Noah grimaces.

“I said, I met this girl and her boyfriend, and we discussed having a girlfriend swap. Just for one night. Would you be interested?”

I wake up with a gasp at the memory that had played in my dreams.

“Good morning, sleepyhead!” Piper grins, looking at me. She’s already dressed and ready to go.

“Did I sleep in?” I ask, noticing Tilly’s bed is empty.

“Nope. Tilly and Joy are just having a shower. We were waiting for your sweet arse to get up and out of bed so we could get breakfast together before class.”

I smile at Piper. All three of my dormmates have been nothing but kind since I moved in with them six weeks ago. They included me in all their social activities as soon as I moved in. One thing we always did was have breakfast together. When I first moved in, Joy told me that I had no choice but to have breakfast with them so that whatever the day brought, we at least started on a positive note.

It had taken convincing the Dean of Students to get me a place in the dorm rooms. As it was near the beginning of the second semester, most rooms had been filled. I had been lucky that there were a few empty beds in random dorm rooms and that I managed to gain a placement. I was even more fortunate that the girls I was paired with were as friendly as they were. Now, I have to go back to the Dean and beg again.

I shimmy down the ladder and pull some clothes out of my drawers, dressing in bootleg jeans and a black knitted jumper. Grabbing a scarf, I wrap it around my neck before grabbing my toiletry bag and heading for the bathrooms.

“I won’t be long,” I tell Piper, who smiles back at me.

“No worries,” she says as I walk out.

When I return to my room, my dormmates are ready and waiting.

“Let’s go!” Joy grins when she sees me.

“Yup!” Tilly says, hugging me as she follows Joy out the door. I throw my toiletry bag toward my desk, shaking my head as it misses and lands on the floor. Piper rolls her eyes, picks up the bag, and properly puts it on my desk.

“Let’s go, Shaquille,” Piper teases, walking behind me.

We sit in the cafeteria, the buzz of other students talking around us. The food is reasonably bland here, but it’s free… part of the school fees we pay. Some students can afford to go off campus if they’ve got money or work part-time jobs. But to access the university cafeteria, regardless of the fees you pay, is if you live in the dorms. It made my transition to living on campus easier. Because I didn’t need to get food elsewhere, I didn’t have to run into Noah.

“I have Mr Johansson for English Lit next,” Piper complains, making Tilly groan emphatically.

“I had him last semester; he’s such a dick,” Tilly complains. I smile. The girls have complained about this professor before. He’s strict and doesn’t allow any talking at all. From what my dormmates have said, he treats his students like teenagers rather than young adult students.

“Does he know we literally pay his wages?” I comment. My dormmates grin.

“I know, right?” Joy asks, “Yes, you’re our teacher, but we’re here because we want to be; we’ve paid to be here. What a dick,” Joy adds.

“What have you got first today?” Piper asks.

“Ancient History,” Joy says. Joy wants to be an archaeologist, and it’s only a matter of time before she has to go on a practical and visit an ancient landsite. I think it’s exciting, actually. Learning about how humans lived and what they did centuries ago.

“Journalism,” Tilly grins. Tilly wants to be a writer, not just an author, but a writer for girly magazines like Cosmopolitan and Vogue. We’ve laughed and said that we should run our own publishing house when we graduate. Tilly would be the writer, Piper the editor, and me doing the administration. Not that I can ever see that happening now.

“I have Educational Theory,” I reply, looking at my food. I don’t attempt to look at my friends, in case they see through my façade. I don’t actually plan on going to class today. If everything goes as planned, this is it. This will be the last time I see my new friends.

We finish eating our breakfasts and say goodbye to each other. I smile as I walk out of the cafeteria with them. I will miss our morning breakfast dates if I get what I want.

- Edited