Deep End

LUKAS DOESN’T TURN AWAY FROM ME. DOESN’T LEAVE. Doesn’t pull back.

I know he heard Victoria’s question, but he seems unwilling to let it dictate his movements. A statement, perhaps:

We’re not doing anything wrong.

I’m happy here, the way I am.

Go away.

I respect that. But I’m not certain it’s the best course of action, so I press a palm to his chest to push him away.

It does nothing. Lukas kisses me one more time at his leisure, lets out an aggravated sigh, and takes a step back.

Victoria, I notice when I can finally look at her, is flanked by Bree, Bella, and . . .

Pen, of course. Four pairs of wide eyes and four dropped jaws, all ranging from affronted, to disbelieving, to shattered.

“What are you doing, Vandy?” Bree asks. She sounds like I just threw her grandfather under a tractor.

I’m considering how to reply when Lukas says, “Tell her, Pen.”

Pen, though, isn’t listening. She’s pale, trembling next to Victoria, and zeroes in on me with an expression I can’t decipher, to ask, “Did you just want to be me all along?”

Betrayal—that’s the expression. And she stares like I’m the one doing it. To her. “I . . . what?”

“Because it feels like that, Vandy.” Tears start running down her face. “Are you in your Single White Female era?”

“Enough,” Lukas says. His hand is on my shoulder, warm and grounding. “Pen, they are Scarlett’s teammates, too. If you won’t tell them what’s going on, I will.”

“What is going on? The boyfriend and the gold medal that were mine a year ago are now hers. That’s what.”

Lukas exhales, impatient. I’m afraid of what could come out of his mouth. Of the impact it might have on her.

“I know you’re hurting, Pen,” I interject, steadying my voice. “But you’re still a silver medalist. And Lukas . . .”

“What about Lukas?” Vic asks, inching closer to Pen. “Because from my side it feels like he could have at least ended things with Pen before—”

“Pen and I aren’t together,” Lukas interrupts her. “Haven’t been for months.” He turns to Pen. “I went along with what you asked and kept our breakup a secret, because Scarlett knew, and she was the only one who mattered. This is where it ends, though.”

“I don’t think we should be here, guys,” Bella mutters. There must be a general agreement, because all three of them shuffle away, Vic with a final squeeze of Pen’s arm.

“You should go, too, Pen,” Lukas says once they’re out of earshot, not unkindly. “We’ll discuss this when we’ve calmed down—”

“Do you realize how painful this is?” She shivers and wraps her arms around her waist, still wearing her wet suit and nothing else. “To see you like that, with my best friend?”

“You have no right to this reaction. You have known about me and Scarlett for months. In fact, you pushed us together.”

“But it was just—you were hooking up, it wasn’t—”

“Pen, when you broke up with me, I was clear that I considered my commitment to you over. I told you I’d be there for you as a friend, but you knew from the start that I wasn’t going to treat my relationship with Scarlett like a way to pass the time.”

“But I’m the one who broke up with you! A few months ago, you and I were still in love and now—what, you’re in love with two people now?”

“No, I’m not.”

It drops between the three of us like a body in water. Perfect rip entry. No splashes or noise, just a terrible, deafening silence. And when it has sunk deep enough into Pen’s brain, she turns to me. “You just . . . took everything from me. Thank you, Vandy.”

I shake my head. She’s being unfair and irrational, and I know I should be furious at her, but she’s so obviously heartbroken, I can’t find my anger. “I know this is hard to hear, but . . . neither the title nor Lukas were yours to be taken,” I say softly.

“You have to stop, Pen.” Lukas’s hand tightens on my shoulder. “She’s your friend, and you’re hurting both of you.”

“She was my friend, and—” She points at Lukas with trembling fingers. “I forbid you to fall in love with her.”

“Pen. I already have.”

“Oh, yeah?” She laughs, bitter and a little mean. “Vandy must have not gotten the memo, because she looks pretty fucking shocked by this piece of news.”

Lukas doesn’t glance at me, but his throat works with his swallow. “She wasn’t ready to hear it yet. This is none of your business.”

“How can it not be my business? You’re my boyfriend and my best friend!”

All of a sudden, it’s too much for me. “I need us all to take a minute, and . . .” I wipe my cheeks with both palms, overwhelmed. “Pen, you . . . I’m sorry, but you’re being unfair. And Lukas, I . . .”

I turn and slide away, toward the locker room, toward the nearest exit. By the time I’ve turned the corner, Lukas has already caught up. He stops in front of me, blocking my path, hands rising to cup my cheeks.

“Scarlett. Don’t.”

“I . . .” We are in the same place where I ran into him and Pen arguing last September, at the start of school. A cruel joke, that’s what this is. “I can’t go to the award ceremony.”

“Fuck the ceremony. I’m here. Stay with me.”

I shake my head. My tears scatter. “I should have told Pen about us. The second things started changing, I should have . . .”

“Scarlett, you said it yourself. Pen is being irrational. She needs to get the fuck over herself.”

“But I wasn’t truthful. Sam said—I should have been honest. I wasn’t, and now she’s unhappy. I did this to her—and to you—”

“To me?” He smiles, amused. “What have you done to me? You made me happier than I’ve ever been, Scarlett, that’s all.” He tilts my face up, until our foreheads press against each other. “Pen is not heartbroken. She’s not in love. This is just possessiveness. She’s lashing out because she lost two of her favorite toys, and she wants someone else to hurt as bad as she does. And I—I’ve been trying to tell you how I felt for months. And I know it’s hard to hear, I know this stuff doesn’t come easy to you, but it’s out there now. You don’t have to be terrified of it anymore. I love you. I’m in love with you. And you’re in love with me. We can say it.”

“Lukas.”

“I have been in love with you for so long. And I won’t stop. I know it.”

“Lukas—”

“This is it, for me.” He presses a kiss against my cheek. “Remember back in the fall? When I was being a total asshole, trying to prove to myself that I could exist without you? I can’t, Scarlett. I can’t be without you. And for the first time in my life, I don’t care. I think of you all the time, and I want to make plans with you, I want to talk about the future, and I’m fucking happy about it—”

“Stop.”

It’s the word—our word. The one I never used. And Lukas recognizes it, because he immediately straightens.

After a beat, he even manages to let go of me.

“You said that if I said stop, you would stop. And I’m asking you to stop now. I—this is too much. That’s my best friend. And my team. And you are my . . .” The words start shaky and die in my throat. I cannot even think them. “I’m asking you to give me a minute to figure this out. Okay?”

I watch him watch me for long, long moments, his need to respect my boundaries at war with his need for me, the determination in his eyes that doesn’t quite hide the pain.

His heart may be as cracked as mine.

“You know it, don’t you?” he asks.

“What?”

“From the very start, you had all the power. From the very start, I was in the palm of your hand.”

I did, I think. I definitely do now. “Yes.”

He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “As long as you are aware, Scarlett.”

I don’t even have to run from him, because he’s the one to leave. He kisses my forehead and turns around, and then I watch him walk away until he’s just a fuzzy figure, blurred by my tears.