Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

We sat in the taxi in gridlocked traffic. I was grateful that my dad always plans ahead and suggested we leave earlier than we needed to.

I looked out the window at the city that I was leaving for a couple of weeks, or maybe longer. I hadn’t decided whether I was coming back or not or whether I should just cut all ties and stay at home.

Selfish? Yes.

But I would never stop Killian seeing his daughter. I would do visits here; he would do visits to England. We could make long distance parenting work.

I reached into my bag and pulled out my diary, my fingers delicately tracing over the silver detailing that surrounded the pink heart. Flipping the pages, I skimmed through the last few months. So much had happened, from the moment I landed on American soil I felt like the rug was pulled from under my feet.

Maybe this was for the best, maybe this is what was supposed to happen. Killian can now pursue a relationship with Adele without being racked with guilt and I can move on with my life. It was cleaner this way.

I nodded to myself as I continued turning the pages, a rush of emotions surging through me.

I had three quarters of the book left before I would need a new diary, it was always a bittersweet moment for me. I had a new diary ready for all new memories, but it also meant closing the diary on my past and that’s what I found the hardest. Leaving the past behind and living in the moment.

I began flicking the pages with my thumb when I noticed scribbles on the back pages. My heart raced as I turned the last page to see a diary entry from Killian. How had he got my diary?

I choked as I began to read.

Reese,

I don’t even know if you will get this diary entry, but it’s the only way I can tell you what has been going on. I have tried but I can’t muster the words, or more to the point – you don’t let me.

Let’s address the burning question that no doubt you have asked yourself. How did I get your diary?

You can thank your mom for that. After I left earlier today, your mom followed me and found me sitting on the sidewalk outside of the apartment block. She sat next to me silently for a while, neither of us speaking because let’s face it – I didn’t know what to say to her and vice versa. You will always be their priority and that’s why she sought me out. You would have never been that sad if you really wanted me to go.

You were angry with me – no, sorry… you were, and no doubt still are, disappointed in me. Heck, I am disappointed in myself.

First of all – I am so fucking sorry, Buttercup. I never meant for things to get this out of control. The thought of you wasting your tears on me breaks my heart. The thought of me hurting you for my own selfishness makes me sick to my stomach. You deserve so much more, you deserve to be truly happy Reese. After everything you have been through, you are still so loving and caring and kind. You will always put others above yourself which I admire, and I hope I can be a little more like you going forward.

Don’t for one second doubt my feelings for you – I have and always will be in love with you. You were a wrecking ball in my life all those months ago but fuck, I am glad you came into my life. Everything before you was so dull and monotonous.

You made me see color again. You made me see how beautiful the world really can be, but also how bitterly cruel it can be too. There is no way you should have lost your Elijah, neither of you deserved that kind of loss and suffering at such a young age. You radiate love and light up every single room you walk into. I love watching you smile, I love to be the one who makes you smile but let’s be honest, I have made you cry more than I have made you smile for the last few weeks and for that I am truly sorry.

Your birthday party. I broke my promise, and that was a real asshole thing to do. But please believe me when I tell you it wasn’t intentional. Yes, I was with Adele. It wasn’t out of choice and when I tell you she is nothing to me, I mean it. She is just someone who I have a past with, someone whom I share a tie with. It’s complicated and messy but I promise I will explain all.

I never got yours and Connie’s messages on the morning of your party, our party. It wasn’t until I was looking through my phone, the messages from you and Connie had been recently deleted and sat in a separate folder. I was so confused as to why I hadn’t heard from either of you. And when I confronted Adele, she sat there with no remorse at what she had done. She is a vile human being and I can’t believe I even have her in my life. I know that is no excuse, I should have been watching the clock but things got heated between me and Adele, things were said that needed to be resolved and before I knew it, I was too late.

Fuck, Reese… the look on your face when I burst through that door haunts me. I hated making you sad, I hated the look you gave me. I could see how hard you were trying to be strong, but I could also see the pain in your eyes. Your eyes never lie. They were one of the first things I fell in love with. You showed me every ounce of emotion through your beautiful opal eyes. On one of our first meetings, I swear I saw your soul. It bared everything to me.

I am not expecting forgiveness because what I done is unforgivable. I should have never made you this sad. You don’t deserve to be sad.

From the asshole behaviour I showed at the start – to not showing up at the courthouse, but the thought of having to stand there and lie to the judge about not being in love with you was almost insufferable. How could I lie about the way you make me feel? You turn my world on its axis and make me doubt every, single, fucking feeling I had ever felt prior to you. And most importantly – I do not expect forgiveness for not showing at the party.

I suppose the point of this letter is to get everything out that has been laying heavy on my heart, and this is my opportunity.

I don’t want to let you out of my heart. I don’t want you to leave my head. I will never get over the taste of your lips and I don’t want to.

I hope to God that you read this before you leave for the airport, but if you don’t – I hope that one day you find it.

I hope that one day you realise just how much I love you. How much I have always loved you.

Because you Reese Hernández are it for me. My beginning, my middle, my end… My always.

It has always been you.

It will always be you.

I love you.

My heart is yours if you want it.

Always,

Killian x

A tear fell onto the bottom of the page, smudging his name slightly. I couldn’t hold back anymore, I let them fall. And each one that fell, felt like a slither of hurt that was wrapped around my heart.

“Reese?” my dad whispered as he leant forward and looked at me.

“She’s fine,” my mum’s voice was soft as she reassured my dad.

He loved me.

I snapped my head up, wiping the tears away and slamming the diary shut. Slipping it in my bag, I looked ahead at the traffic and then behind. We weren’t moving.

“I’ve got to go,” I whispered, opening the taxi door and grabbing my bag.

“What about your suitcase?” my mum said, a silly grin on her face.

“Oh, just accept you’re going to miss your flight,” I choked as more tears began to fall “I’ll meet you at home.”

Slamming the door shut, I began weaving through the traffic to get onto the pavement. I couldn’t be that far from home.

Panting, I rushed down the hall towards the private lift that serviced Killian’s penthouse.

I was sweating, I was out of breath, but I didn’t care. I looked at myself in the mirrors, swiping my ring fingers under my eyes. My cheeks were flushed, my eyes bright. I ran my fingers through the end of my hair, trying to make it look a little tidier than it currently was.

Screw it.

This is what he is getting.

The lift doors pinged open; my shaky breath escaped me as I looked down the wide hallway to the front door. My heart was racing in my chest, the blood rushing in my ears causing a loud thump. I swallowed, gliding my clammy palms down my dress.

“You got this,” I whispered.

My legs started moving and with each step I took that brought me closer to him the nerves crashed over me. Stopping, I lifted my hand ready to knock but before I did, I inhaled deeply and tried to calm my erratic heart.

Knock, knock, knock.

I waited and with each, long, agonising second, I began to doubt my actions. Not because I didn’t love him, but in case it was too late.

I heard the handle click; my eyes dropped as I saw it turn. Everything happening in slow motion as my eyes slowly lifted to see Killian standing there. Eyes wide and red raw, lips parted and his hair a beautiful mess.

“Reese,” he breathed, but my lips cut him off as I lunged myself at him, my arms round his neck as I kissed him as if he was my only source of oxygen, as if without him I would surely die.

His hands skimmed down my side, cupping my bum and lifting me up. My legs automatically wrapping round his waist.

“You came back,” he managed through breathless kisses.

I nodded, tears of happiness streaming down my face.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered against his lips.

“For what?”

“For everything.”

“You have no reason to be sorry,” he reassured me, breaking away as his eyes burned into mine. “Do you understand me? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

I nodded, nibbling my trembling lip to stop myself from becoming a crying mess.

“Forgive me,” he whispered as he carried me up the stairs to his bedroom.

“Always.”

He dropped me to the bed, his burning eyes raking over me and I blushed under his intense stare.

“Fuck, you’re so beautiful. I never told you enough before, but I will spend the rest of my life telling you and showing you just how beautiful you are to me.”

He pulled his tee over his head and threw it over the other side of his bedroom, revealing his toned torso. His chest pecs were hard, covered in a dark dusting of chest hair. His pink scar peeking through certain thinner parts of his hair. My heart instantly aching at the thought that he could have lost his life.

“Don’t feel sad for me,” he whispered as he edges towards me, leaning over me and placing a kiss on my lips, lingering a moment more. The mint mixed with whiskey was a delicious combination.

Falling to his knees, his callous hands grip my thighs as he spreads my legs, his eyes falling to the apex of my thighs.

“I have missed your taste,” his voice was low, I heard the growl rumble through him.

His hands glided up to the top of my knickers, hooking his fingers into them and tugging them down and off my legs.

“I want you to come on my tongue, then I want you to come all over my cock…” his eyes flicked up, “do you understand?”

I panted while nodding, already feeling my pussy pulse at the thought. Pushing my dress up over my hips, he dragged it over my head and tossed it on the floor. Next was my bra, kneeling up and pressing his chest against mine he worked the strap before slipping it down my arms.

His eyes marvelled over my naked body, his teeth sinking into his bottom lip as he bit down.

“So, fucking beautiful,” he whispered as his fingers trailed down the middle of my breasts and over my swollen tummy.

“Lay back, Buttercup,” he ordered gently.

I prop myself on my elbows as I watch him, his eyes filled with desire and want and just that look was enough to make me want to come. My orgasm was already teetering on the cliff and he hadn’t even touched me.

“So eager, brat,” the use of his old nickname for me made my stomach coil and my pussy clench.

I moaned; his intense stare was overwhelming. His mouth was hot and ready, but he was nowhere near me.

“Please, Killian,” I begged, my fingers tightening around the already crumpled bed sheet beneath me.

“Please what?” he teased, his finger trailed up and down the inside of my thigh but not where I needed him most.

“Make me come, I am so horny for you,” I blushed at my words, but it was the truth.

“I can see your tight little cunt glistening for me,” he groaned as he lowered himself down, his hands gripping the top of my thigh as he dug his fingers into my skin.

I could just see his burning eyes looking at me when his tongue glided through my slick folds, my head tipping back as the pleasure ripped through me.

“So fucking sweet,” he moaned as he lapped up my wetness, swirling his tongue over my clit which caused my hips to buck forward.

A delectable moan escaped me as I watched him, my hungry eyes wanting to see what he was doing to me. He slipped his tongue down my folds, teasing at my soaked opening then gliding it back towards my clit.

“Fuck,” I whispered as he done it again. My hips began gyrating over his tongue, I needed more. I wanted his tongue deep inside of me, stroking my inner walls and making me come so fucking hard I forgot about everything.

“I need more,” I begged, my legs beginning to tremble. His pushed my thighs further apart, my pussy stretched and open for him as his tongue lashed harder over my clit.

Sitting up a little more, my fingers entwined in Killian’s hair while my other hand was wrapped in the bedsheet as if I was clinging on for dear life. My eyes watched as his expert tongue brought me closer to my release. Our eyes connected for a moment as Killian buried his tongue deeper inside of me and ate my pussy as if it was his last meal. My toes curled, a shiver crashed over me, and my stomach coiled. My orgasm ripped through me causing me to cry out, my whole body trembling as Killian continued helping me ride through my explosive orgasm and making sure he got every last drop of me.

I fell back on the bed, my skin tingling, a light ringing in my ear as I calmed my breathing. I needed a minute to come back down to earth.

I felt the bed dip, Killian was naked and next to me. Licking my lips at his thick, hard cock I sat up slowly and climbed onto my knees. Smashing my lips into his, our tongues danced as my arousal coated my own tastebuds as well as his. His hand was in my hair, gripping hard as he tugged my head back. I couldn’t move, my eyes pinned to the ceiling. I felt his breath on my neck, his teeth grazing along my jaw line. I felt a spark course through me, his fingers began rubbing over my clit, then plunging into my hot, soaking pussy.

I gasped.

His sucked on my nipple, making it pert then biting the skin softly. Slipping another finger inside of me, I felt my legs buckle slightly. His breath was on my ear, his lips hovering.

“I want you on your fucking knees ready to suck my cock like the brat you are. I want you looking up at me while I throat fuck you and when I am ready, I want your mouth open as I watch my cum spurt down your pretty fucking throat,” he groaned, “and you’re not to waste a single, fucking, drop.”

Pulling his fingers out of me abruptly, he let go of my hair and stood from the bed. I moved to the edge on shaky legs and did as he asked. I got on my knees gladly, a sweet smile gracing my face as I licked my lips slowly.

My fingers wrapped around his cock, pumping him slowly as I watched the bead of cum sit on the tip of his dick. His hand moved round the back of my head, pulling me closer towards him. Pushing the tip of him past my lips I moaned at the fullness I felt as I had him in my mouth. A groan left him as his grip tightened. I took him deep, holding him at the back of my throat before drawing him out of my hot and wet mouth slowly. I wanted to tease him, I wanted to give him the best fucking head of his life.

I done it again, in the slow and torturous manner that I did before.

“Oh, baby,” he groaned, his hips bucking forward harshly. His large cock hitting the back of my throat and causing a gag.

“Good girl, you can take it,” he praised me, his voice low and sultry.

He done it again. But this time, I was prepared. No gagging for me.

Unwrapping my fingers, both of my hands pressed against his hips as I gripped onto him, pulling him out to the tip then taking him deep.

My eyes watered, but I was loving it. I loved watching him come undone under my mouth, I loved that I made him feel this way.

“Buttercup…” he called but his voice was dragging. He tugged at the root of my hair, pulling me away from him and resting the tip of his cock on my lips.

“You look so fucking pretty with my cock in your mouth,” he growled.

I tugged away, my fingers wrapping round his cock once more as I glided my flat tongue up the base of his length. Once at the tip I flicked my tongue over his head and took him deep into my mouth.

His head tipped back, his fingers gripping tighter as he met my thrusts with his own. My eyes began to stream at the harshness of his punishing thrusts, but I didn’t want him to stop. My free hand skimmed down my body as I circled two fingers on my burning, swollen clit.

“Jesus,” he spat through gritted teeth as he watched me, but I didn’t take my eyes off of him. I wanted him to use me how he wanted, I wanted him to come so fucking hard and if it meant him doing this to me, then I was here for it.

“I’m going to come,” he spat, pulling his cock from my mouth harshly. He pulled my head back so I was looking up and I opened my mouth like he wanted me to. Sticking my tongue out flat he pressed the tip of his cock on my tongue as I felt it contract before spurting his hot cum into my mouth.

I swallowed every bit of it like he asked, then let my tongue run down the base of his cock, gliding it back up to lick the head of him clean.

He looked down at me and smiled, “Such a good, fucking girl. Now stand up, lay on your back and spread your fucking legs wide for me.” His eyes darkened as he licked his lips, his hand still fisting his hard cock.

I shivered with excitement and anticipation.

He rubbed the tip of his cock over my clit, slipping it in between my folds slowly teasing me at my entrance.

I was exhausted but I would never tire of him, we had spent the evening losing ourselves in each other and he promised this would be the last time of the evening.

I was close to coming, every sense and every nerve ending was vibrating and buzzing. Each of them more sensitive than the time before. Grabbing the vibrator from next to him, he switched it on and pressed it against my clit before plunging his cock into my soaked pussy. That’s all it took. An earth-shattering orgasm blasting through me, Killian coming with me.