Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

It had been five days since my birthday. Five days since Killian broke his promise. Five days since I last spoke to him, and no doubt broke his heart as well as my own in the process. I lay on the sofa, looking at the ceiling. I was sleeping on it while my parents were here, they needed the bed more than I did. Plus, I forgot what sleep felt like.

I drum my fingers on top of my knuckles as I rested my hands on top of my bump. Turning my head, I saw my diary sitting on the coffee table. I had written in it every night, it was sort of like a coping mechanism. I wrote in it a hell of a lot once I lost Elijah. I got through two in the last three years, and my mum and dad gave me this one as a belated Christmas present. It was stunningly beautiful, black roses on the hardback leather with a pink heart in the centre. Subtle and understated but pretty.

I leant over, reaching for it and grabbing the pen that sat next to it. Opening the first few pages, I skimmed through them until I found my silk ribbon that indicated where I got to last night.

It was a good anger release, and by the time I had written it all out I burst into tears and let out the pain I was feeling.

I cried silently, I didn’t want my parents hearing me and I didn’t want to go into what was triggering me. I had lost a great love once, I wasn’t going to let myself lose another one. So the best thing for me to do was to put my walls up and focus on being the best mum I could be to our daughter.

Tapping the pen on the paper, I felt my eyes begging to well. I was sick of crying. I was sick of being sad and hurt because people don’t think about the consequences of their actions.

Dear Heart,

You screwed me.

Killian Hayes screwed me.

I screwed myself.

I question myself every second of the day of how I ended up in this mess. This wasn’t the plan I had in mind. This wasn’t how I saw my future, but yet, here I am.

I wanted to trust and believe what the tarot card reader said to me, I wanted to believe that Elijah was working the puppet strings above us to make my life perfect but it didn’t seem that way. It seemed that I was the only one getting hurt repeatedly. The only other guy I felt I was falling for couldn’t even show for my birthday. A small, silly promise that he failed to keep. To some it might not be a big deal, but to me it was a huge deal. I didn’t trust easily after losing Elijah, but something about Killian felt like home to me. Like we had known each other so much longer than just under a year. We had a connection, emotionally and physically and I couldn’t deny that. He felt familiar, he felt like someone I had met before in another life.

We agreed to be friends because we couldn’t be anything more than that. We were toxic. We were going to always end up a disaster. Some people just weren’t meant to get their happily ever after and I truly believe that I am one of them.

But, come to think of it… I was going to get my happily ever after. My daughter. My little rainbow. My hand-picked gift from heaven itself, from my guardian angel. She was going to be my happily ever after… maybe this was my new sole purpose in life. To be a mum to this perfect, baby girl that would be coming into my life in about five to six months. She would show me a love like I have never felt before, a connection that runs so much deeper than the surface, a bond that would never be broken. We would always be tied together.

Me and Her.

Her and Me.

She would be the only person I would love most in this world. No one would compare to her.

My darling daughter.

I know she will heal me; she will show me this devastating world in a completely new light like I have never seen it before.

I will become a better person for her. I need to.

“It’s me and you baby girl,” I whispered as I rubbed my bump gently, her little kicks always reminding me she was right here with me. She would always be here with me.

Dear Heart,

I won’t let you screw this up.

This was a test and I have passed with flying colours.

I am not going to shed one more tear over Killian fucking Hayes.

The next morning, my parents were up and out early. They flew home later this evening and wanted a few bits to take back with them. I pottered around the apartment and tidied up. Not that it needed much, I just wanted to keep my mind busy.

Dumping all my emotions into my diary felt good, but it didn’t completely rid me of my guilt or emotions. I knew I was being harsh with Killian, but I couldn’t keep forgiving him for him to just tear me down again.

I was too vulnerable and delicate for this.

Chopping the pillows on the sofa, I sprayed some air freshener round to cover the stuffiness. I slipped the large window up, the sweet, fresh spring air filling my apartment suddenly.

I smiled as I inhaled deeply filling my lungs. Today was going to be a good day.

Padding through my bedroom, I grabbed some clothes before stripping down and having a warm shower. The water felt good on my aching shoulders and back. The sofa was comfortable but not suitable for a bed.

Once dressed, I pulled my honey blonde hair into a high ponytail. I looked behind me at my small suitcase sitting by the radiator. I had booked a flight back home to England, I was supposed to be leaving tonight but I was still undecided what I wanted to do.

I was adamant I wanted the baby here, it would do me good to head home for a couple of weeks before my next appointment to check the baby’s heart. Plus, it would do be good to get away for a bit, time to clear my head.

I hadn’t gone into much detail about Killian to my parents, but they knew enough. I was devastated as I would have loved for their short visit to have been a little different and for them to have met Killian and spent some time with him. But alas, it wasn’t meant to be. They’ve had a fab time exploring New York and doing all the tourist attractions, but I think they were both ready to land on home turf and slip back into their routine. I heard a light knock on the door, I walked into the lounge and saw my spare keys sitting on the work top that my parents had forgotten. I rolled my eyes in a playful manner, one side of my mouth lifting as I headed to the door.

“Honestly, how can you forget your…” I swung the door open, beaming from ear to ear before my breath was snatched from my lungs at the sight of Killian. My smile quickly faded as I pushed the door with force to shut it on him but his shoe stopped that from happening.

His long fingers wrapped round the edge of the door, his head craning around it .

“Please, I just want ten minutes…” his voice trailed off.

I sighed, stepping back and dropping my head as he walked past me. I gently closed the door behind him and watched as he placed his phone and keys on the countertop next to my spare keys.

“You can have five minutes,” my tone vicious as I spat at him.

“Can I be excused from using any of those minutes while I quickly use your rest room?” his eyes glistened slightly, but I was unsure whether it was with playfulness or regret.

I nodded, not wanting to give him any of my breath because he stole it from me without even realising.

His eyes fell, a weak smile attempting to cross his lips, but it was soon back to a grim looking Killian.

Once he was out of sight, I gasped, walking over to the kitchen as I rubbed my lips together. I flicked the kettle on, I needed a cup of tea. I heard Killian’s phone buzz, my head snapped round but quickly I was back facing the kettle when it buzzed again. I couldn’t ignore the niggle in my gut for me to look. I stepped back, leaning the top half of my body to check the bathroom door. It was still closed, and I was pretty sure I hadn’t heard the flush go yet.

Moving quickly to the worktop I picked his phone up to see Adele’s name and two unread messages.

I swiped his phone up, unlocking it straight away.

Silly man for not having a passcode on his phone.

The messages opened; my eyes widened.

Adele: Saturday was a lot; things are still unfinished between us Killian.

Then, underneath it was a message that she had sent straight after.

Adele: In business and pleasure 😉

Who the fuck sends winking faces like that anymore?

My blood boiled. Saturday was the day of my birthday and my gender reveal. My whole body shook and trembled.

I heard Killian’s rushed footsteps before they stopped suddenly.

My head snapped up to look at him, his eyes volleying from his phone to my face. His beautiful but deceitful brown eyes widening as each second passed. I threw his phone at him with force, hoping it would have hit him, but the God of a man has reflexes of a Ninja. His hand shot up as he grabbed the phone. His eyes down casting on the screen of his phone, his head shaking side to side before he looked back up at me.

“Reese…” he gasped, his hand rubbing over his mouth, “it’s not what it looks like, I promise,” he walked towards me, but I stopped him, holding my hand up towards him.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” I shouted, my voice trembling but not out of sadness, no. I was fucking infuriated. I was like a bull who was having a red flag waved in front of it. My eyes were wide and bulging, my breaths harsh and ragged as I breathed through my nose.

“I don’t want your promises Killian! You obviously can’t keep them!” the hoarseness in my voice made my throat burn.

He didn’t say anything, just dropped his arm by his side, his face falling as his eyes closed. The room was drowning in silence, neither of us saying a word. I concentrated on my breathing, my hand sitting under my bump as I inhaled deeply and exhaled trying to calm myself down.

“So, you were with Adele?” I finally managed, but this time I didn’t shout. There was nothing but disappointment lacing my voice as the realisation kicked in.

He nodded solemnly. His fingers tightening around his phone, his other hand was balled into a tight fist by his side.

“You missed my birthday, and more importantly our gender reveal to be with Adele,” the words choked me as I spoke them, barely able to finish my sentence.

He said nothing.

“I can’t do this,” I whispered, the hot tears threatening to fall but I tried my hardest to blink them away. The burn in my throat becoming unbearable as I fought so hard with my body.

“Reese, please,” he begged as I walked past him and towards my bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed as my brain processed the last fifteen minutes. My eyes were pinned to the wall, my fingers clutching the bed cover underneath me.

Killian was in the doorway, leaning up against it as I felt his burning gaze on me. I didn’t give him the satisfaction of looking up. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him.

“Just go,” I whispered to the room, praying he heard me.

He didn’t say anything. He stayed mute.

“Please,” my throat tight as I sniffed, the choked sobs threatening to escape.

“You’re leaving?” his voice splintered through me, not able to resist the pull any longer my head slowly turned to face him. His eyes didn’t meet mine though, they were narrowed and hooded as they focused on my suitcase.

I felt the rush of air leave me; my lips were parted as I tried to find my voice.

I shrugged, but I knew the truth. The harsh reality finally sinking in.

I was leaving and I wasn’t about to let him stop me.

Jumping when I heard the door knock, I sprung from the bed and rushed into the hallway.

Swinging the door open I saw my mum and dad, their smiles fading slightly when they saw my face and Killian standing behind me.

“Everything okay?” my mum asked as she edged past me, dragging my dad along with her.

“Yes, everything is perfect,” I nodded; a fake smile plastered onto my face, “Killian was just leaving.”

“I was?” he whispered as he closed the gap between us.

“You were,” I nodded firmly, my eyes casting up to his and for the first time in a while I felt the connection. I felt his emotions, but most of all I felt his pain.

“Can we talk…” he begged; his voice so low that only I could hear it.

“No,” I managed, a tear rolling down my cheek but before I had a chance to swipe it away, his thumb had for me.

“Don’t do this.”

“I didn’t do anything Killian, you only have yourself to blame for that,” I choked, as I stepped aside so he could leave.

I didn’t turn back to face him, I couldn’t bear to look at him because it hurt too much. The pain that was crashing down on me was unbearable, it was hard to breathe without him but I knew this was what I had to do.

He lingered for a moment, as if waiting to see if I would change my mind but that wasn’t going to happen.

I heard my father approach from behind me, his arm reaching above my head as his fingers wrapped round the edge of the door.

“My daughter asked you to leave,” his voice was firm but not all threatening or demanding. Killian still stood, his eyes glassing over as he watched me. His jaw clenched; I heard his breath slowly leave his lips as he finally gave in. He was waiting for that eye contact; he was waiting for me to bare everything to him again. He was waiting for our souls to connect.

He was waiting for that earth shattering, ground moving moment to spark through both of us like it did on the many occasions at the beginning of our relationship. But I had nothing left to give.

He nodded, edging towards the door and I don’t know why I did it, but I looked up at him and watched a lone tear roll down his cheek as he left.

All I wanted to do was wipe it away, wrap my arms around his neck and tell him I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want him to leave me.

Because the truth was, I was obsessively and utterly in love with him.