Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

The first thing I done when I walked through my apartment door was put my food away, then I stripped down, dropping my clothes behind me as I did then slipped into the shower. It felt good to wash my hair, the water cascading down over my skin. Wrapping my towel around me, I padded to the bedroom when I heard a knock on the door, rubbing the towel that was in my hands at the root of my hair, I looked through the peep hole.

Connie.

Stepping back, I clung onto the towel around my torso and holding onto the small hand towel. Inhaling deeply, I slipped the security lock across the door and opened it slowly. She smiled, holding a bag of Chinese food and a non-alcoholic champagne.

“May I come in?” she asked a little hesitant as she stood in the doorway.

I nodded, stepping aside to let her through. I could feel the awkwardness and the tension crackle in the air. Closing the door behind her, I turned as she put the food on the countertop.

“I’m just going to… ya know…” I pointed to my lack of clothes.

“Yeah cool.” She smiled, her hand in her back pocket as she rocked on the balls of her feet.

I gave her a thumbs up before walking into my bedroom and shutting the door behind me.

A thumbs up!?

I face palmed myself. Dropping my towel to the floor I grabbed some leggings and an oversized tee before pulling my damp hair into a messy bun. I hung my towels up on the towel rail in the bathroom before walking back out towards Connie. She had put the cartons out and opened them with both pairs of chopsticks sitting in the noodles. We always ate the noodles first. We didn’t need plates, we just dug straight in.

I walked slowly over to her, giving her a weak smile as I did.

“Hey, look…” she said as she broke eye contact suddenly, looking at the floor then bringing her deep brown eyes back to me.

I inhaled deeply; my heart was thumping against my chest. I felt so nervous. I never wanted to fall out with Connie. That was the last thing I wanted to happen.

“I didn’t want to fall out with you. It was just a huge shock to the system as you can imagine. To find out that not only you were sleeping with my dad, but you were also married and pregnant with his child…”

“No, I get it…” I breathed, my hands on my hips as I looked at the ground.

“I don’t want to lose you Reese,” she whispered.

I sighed, licking my lips before rubbing them into a thin line. Of course, I was going to forgive her, I just wanted to make her sweat a little.

“How much do I owe you for dinner?” my tone was clipped, nibbling the inside of my lip as I tried to suppress my smile.

“You don’t owe me anything,” she glared at me.

“Nah, I want to give you my money, you know, pay my way, out of my own money.” I walked towards my purse that was still laying on the countertop. “Don’t want you thinking I am giving you any of my gold digger money.”

“Reese…” I heard the exasperation in her voice.

“Nah, it’s fine…” I twisted my lips as turned my back on her, but I couldn’t hold it anymore before I burst into a giggle.

“You fucker,” she laughed as she lunged herself at me, her arms wrapping around my neck and kissing me on the cheek. “My bad.”

I continued laughing as I turned to face her, “It’s fine, just don’t call me a gold-digging whore again,” I warned.

“You know I didn’t mean it, I was just angry.”

I nodded. “I know, it just hurt me a little.” I saw Connie’s smile fade, “but not as much as it hurt me watching you storm out the door and out of my life.”

“You would never lose me,” she smiled, “you’re stuck with me for life now.”

“Good.”

We sat in light chatter whilst we ate. I had to stop myself so many times from asking how Killian was. I don’t know why I wanted to know; I was just torturing myself.

I took a mouthful of the champagne that Connie brought and turned my nose up at the taste as I pulled the glass away from my lips. “This tastes like cat piss,” I snorted.

“What do you expect? It’s some cheap, non-alcoholic shit I had to pick up cos you got knocked up,” she winked.

“It just happened… okay,” I rolled my eyes.

“I don’t need to picture it any more than I have thank you,” Connie stood, taking my glass and putting it on the countertop. She spun round to face me, her face aglow, her eyes glistening with something.

“What is it?” I asked as I leant over the arm of my sofa.

“I told my dad about Tryst,” she squealed.

“You did?” my eyes widened, my mouth agape.

She nodded.

“How did he take it?”

“Pretty well, but then again,” she shrugged her shoulders up, “he didn’t have a choice did he? He couldn’t be mad at me after what I had found out.”

I felt my stomach flip.

“I suppose not.” Plastering a fake smile back upon my face, “That’s great Connie, I am so glad that it’s all out in the open now.”

“Me too, feels good getting it off my chest,” she skipped back towards me and jumped on the sofa next to me. I spun round to face her, laying my legs out and resting them on her lap. She leant into me, her hand resting on my non-existent bump.

“How is my little brother or sister?”

I snorted a laugh, my head tipping back before I looked back at her, “It’s a jellybean at the moment.”

“But it’s my jellybean,” she beamed.

I sighed happily as we fell back into easy chatter. And for the first time in a long while, I felt like I was becoming my old self again. I felt content, but as soon as my mind drifted to Killian that gaping hole came back.

Me and Connie arranged to have a little sleepover, I can’t remember the last time we spent the night together. Plus, it would be good having her here with me. It would stop my mind from drifting to the place I didn’t want it to.

Cosied up under my duvet, or comforter as Connie called it, we put the tele on for some background noise. Connie rolled onto her side; I felt her eyes burning into the side of my head, but I chose to ignore her while I stuffed my face with ice cream.

I heard her sigh.

“What?” I snapped as I kept my eyes on the television.

“Oh, nothing…” Connie’s voice drifted off.

“It’s obviously not nothing, as you have been staring at me waiting for me to ask you what you want,” I laughed, turning my head to face her.

“Okay fine, fine,” she smirked as she laid next to me. “Have you spoken to my dad?”

“Nope and I don’t plan to.” I turned my face away from her and glared at the tele. The ache in my chest was prominent now.

“Why?” she propped herself on her elbow and let her head rest on her hand.

“Because he left just after you the night I found out I was pregnant, and I haven’t heard from him since. Okay, sure, I haven’t messaged him, but to be honest I feel like he owes me a message and not the other way round.” I sighed, dropping my spoon into my nearly empty tub of ice cream, my appetite disappearing in an instant.

“I have spoken to him,” Connie’s voice was hushed beside me.

“Of course, you have,” my eyes automatically rolling. I turned my head to face her, “Con, is there any chance we can do this tomorrow? I really don’t want to talk about it now. I am trying so hard to move on…” I swallowed hard.

“But that’s just it, Reese, you don’t have to move on,” she smiled.

“And why’s that?” I smirked at her.

“Because he doesn’t want to move on either. He knows he fucked up.”

“Then I need to hear it from him, not you…” I grimaced, a little sigh leaving me.

She nodded, turning on her back as she looked at the ceiling.

“Don’t think I am being ungrateful or selfish,” now it was my time to roll on my side and face her.

“I know you’re not; I just think you need to both get over yourselves and one of you needs to make the first move. I told him to give you time, you have had time now get off your ass and ignore that stubborn streak that flows through you,” she snapped her head towards me and smirked.

“I’m not being stubborn, just being a realist.” I pulled my eyes from her, wiggling into my pillow as I began spooning more ice cream into my greedy mouth.

“Whatever you say, you stubborn mare.”

I scoffed, but kept my mouth shut. She was right, but I wasn’t going to tell her that.

She snuggled down under the covers as we stay silent while watching the tele.

I was awoken by a loud thud. Sitting up quickly, I looked round the room to see Connie snoozing next to me. I let out a sigh of relief. Pressing the screen of my phone, it was two-thirty am.

Laying back down and waiting for my erratic heart to still, my eyes were pinned to the ceiling. I was trying to ignore the thoughts that were whirling around in my head, I didn’t want to start thinking because then I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep.

I forced my eyes shut, squeezing them tightly as I silently begged for sleep to take me, but I heard another thud.

“Fuck,” I whispered. “Connie,” I nudged her, trying to wake her but it was no good. She was out of it.

Throwing the covers back, I stood on shaky legs as I walked out of my bedroom. I had a baseball bat behind my front door that my dad made me promise I would leave there. I thought it was ridiculous until now.

Thud, thud, thud.

My heart was beating so fast in my chest, it was skipping beats causing my breath to catch. As I approached the apartment door, I reached for the bat and held it tightly in my hands. Edging closer, I stopped for a moment, closing my eyes and inhaling deeply. It’s fine.

Thud, thud, thud.

My eyes pinged open.

This is how you’re going to die, in your big, granny knickers… you could have at least worn your nice ones- my subconscious whispered but I chose to ignore her.

Taking one last step towards the door, my whole body was trembling as I looked through the peep hole, my eyes rolled so far in the back of my head when I saw Killian on the other side, his eyes pressed up to the peep hole.

I heard him mumble, “oh shit,” he groaned.

Stepping back, I let my head hang as I placed the baseball bat back in the corner behind the door.

Rubbing my hand over my lips I contemplated what to do. If I ignored him, he would continue banging on the door.

“Reeeeeese,” he called, “stop being a brat and let me in.”

I scoffed a laugh as I shook my head from side to side. My hand hovered over the handle. I could just ignore him, leaving him out there and he would soon get bored. Or I let him in and hear him out.

Thud, thud, thud.

I pulled the door open until the safety catch wouldn’t let me do it anymore.

“What do you want?” I hissed.

“I want you to let me in,” he slurred, his hands grabbing onto the doorframe to steady himself. He was drunk. Great.

“And what if I don’t?” I challenged him.

“Then I’ll keep knocking,” he smirked as he leaned closer, trying to press his head through the gap in the door. “And when you still don’t answer, then I’ll sleep on the floor out here and knock again.”

“Why would you do that when you live just above me?”

“Because I want to see you…” he stuck his bottom lip out and tried giving me his best puppy dog eyes as he leant into the door. And damn it, it worked.

I sighed, slipping the chain across and swung the door open then watched Killian fall through and onto the floor.

“Oops,” I giggled, closing the door behind him and locking it. I stepped over him and flicked the kettle on. I’ll make him a coffee and hopefully he can sober up a little. Then he can sleep and be gone before Connie wakes up.

Once the coffee pot had warmed, I poured him a cupful. Turning to see Killian standing by the large window, his head pressed against the glass.

My heart ached, I hated him being here and not being able to kiss him like I wanted to.

“Hey,” my voice was soft as I tapped him on the shoulder. He turned slowly, a little off balance as he spun. His eyes were bloodshot, his skin grey looking as his empty, hollow eyes struggled to focus on mine.

“Here, take this…” I pushed the cup into his hand and walked him over to the sofa, helping him sit down.

“Thanks,” he muttered, his eyes looking forward and his legs parted as his elbows rested on them.

I stayed standing, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I looked around my room, noticing the door to my bedroom wide open. Walking over, I quietly and gently pulled the door to. I didn’t want Connie to wake up. I didn’t want there to be any issues, not that I thought there would be, but I needed to sort things out with Killian by myself. I didn’t want Connie being involved and swaying our conversation in any way.

This wasn’t going to work between me and Killian. We were too different; he was nearly twenty years older than me… he was my boss and he was my best friend’s dad. We could be amicable for our baby’s sake, but that was it. He could be in our child’s life as little or as much as he wanted. I would never force him.

Padding back over to where he was sitting, I knotted my fingers together. I wish I had more suitable pyjamas on. I tugged my oversized tee down, trying to cover my little short- shorts.

The tension crackled between us, the air was thick with the unspoken words we both wanted to say but were too scared to mutter.

“I should get to bed…” I thumbed towards my bedroom door; my voice was low as I looked over my shoulder.

“Don’t,” he whispered, but he didn’t pull his eyes from the wall. I looked to where he was staring, his eyes were fixed to Elijah.

I hugged myself as I stood meters away from him.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Say something, I begged silently.

I watched as he took a mouthful of his coffee, then let his head fall forward, his shoulders sagging.

He looked broken.

I stepped towards him, standing closer to him now as I looked down at him. He didn’t lift his head to look at me, just leaned towards me and wrapped his arms around my hips and bum and held onto me, not letting me go. I don’t know how long we stayed like this for, but it felt like hours, when in reality, it was probably only minutes.

“I’m sorry Reese,” he whispered, eventually lifting his head up to me. His red rimmed eyes locked with mine causing the breath to escape me, the air being knocked out of my lungs. I could see the pain he was feeling, the flash of fear that flickered in his deep, brown eyes made my soul ache and my heart shatter.

I could feel the remorse seeping from him, he was waiting for his redemption, but the truth was I don’t think I was ready to forgive him fully.

Was I being petty and over the top? Maybe.

But I have been hurt before, I needed to guard my heart. If we were meant to be together, then we would.

“I know,” I whispered back, my own eyes brimming with tears, but I wasn’t sure why I was getting upset. I felt such a rush of mixed emotions consume me instantly. Grief, anger, sadness, emptiness, fullness, love, unwantedness and loneliness… all at the same time. I couldn’t pinpoint one emotion that was stronger than the other.

I was in the wake of destruction, and Killian was the final obstacle to send me into a catastrophic disaster.

“Forgive me?” he asked. He looked so vulnerable and small as he clung onto my body as if a fear consumed him that when he let me go, he would lose me forever.

“Let’s talk about it tomorrow.” My voice was almost non-existent as the lump in my throat crept up and lodged itself where I didn’t want it.

He nodded before his head was resting on my stomach, his ear pressing against my t-shirt.

“I promise I won’t fuck this up, I promise I will be the best father I can to you,” he choked out, talking to our jellybean. “I missed out the first time, I’m not going to miss a second this time round.”

I sniffled, my hands moving to his shoulders as I dug my fingers a little into his skin as I pushed him away.

“Go to sleep,” I whispered. He sat back into the sofa, his head tipping back as he looked at the ceiling.

“Kiss me,” he whispered as I began to walk away. I stilled, turning to look at him. He didn’t face me, just continued to look above him. I couldn’t. As much as I wanted to walk over to him and climb into his lap, link my hands around the back of his neck before running my fingers through his luscious brown locks and tug his hair as our lips connected, our tongues moving together… I couldn’t. Because I knew once I started and once, I got another taste of him, I wouldn’t be able to stop.

“Goodnight, Killian,” it took everything in me to walk away.

He didn’t respond, with a curt nod to myself I slipped back into my bedroom and closed the door.

I heard Connie’s voice coming from the living room, groaning I rolled over to look at the time.

Eight am.

I sighed as I rolled on my back. My eyes felt like they were full of grit, they were dry and sore. Once I got back into bed last night I just couldn’t settle. All the unspoken words spun in my head, all the different scenarios that played out kept me awake for what felt like hours. I was continuously fighting with myself. Should I have just kissed him? Should we give this a go for our own happiness, but more importantly for the happiness of our child?

Grabbing the pillow beside me, I pulled it over my face and held it there while I screamed into it.

It shouldn’t be this complicated, it shouldn’t be this hard but yet it is. I don’t know what to do, I can’t differentiate right from wrong, and it was frustrating as hell.

Tossing the pillow to the side, I threw back the duvet and headed to the bathroom. Killian was obviously still out there, otherwise I am sure Connie would be back in bed with her coffee. Padding to the small en-suite that was in my bedroom, I slammed the door.

I stood and looked at myself in the mirror, my dark, puffy eyes were the first thing I noticed. I felt exhausted. Ever since Killian Hayes had been in my life, I didn’t feel like I had slept properly.

Splashing my face with cold water and brushing my teeth I inhaled deeply as I walked towards the lounge. Pulling the bedroom door open, I saw Killian and Connie in hushed chatter that soon dwindled to nothing as they both turned to face me. Connie’s menacing smile crept on her face, while Killian’s blazing, brown eyes roamed up and down my body. I blushed under his gaze, but soon brushed it off as I quickly stepped towards the kettle.

“Morning,” I smiled but not looking at either of them as I flicked the switch, the low rumbling of the boiling kettle filling the deafly silence.

“What are you doing today?” Killian asked, snapping me from my trance.

“Oh,” I smiled, turning to face them both, my fingers curling round the edge of the worktop. “Not a lot really. I have to call my parents, then I might take a walk…” I shrugged.

“Sounds exciting,” I could hear the sarcasm dripping from Connie’s tone.

I laughed, spinning back around and making myself a cup of tea.

“What about you two?” I asked, bringing the cup to my lips as I blew softly on the steaming brew.

“I have work and then I am out with Tryst, date night,” she wiggled her brows up and down, the realisation slapping her hard in the face when she remembered her dad was standing there.

I snorted a laugh but quickly composed myself as I took a mouthful of my tea. Killian let out a low rumble of a groan beside her, shaking his head side to side.

“And you?” I asked him, trying not to spend too long staring at his handsome face.

“Not a lot,” he sighed, “I was wondering if you would like to go out for lunch with me?”

He moved from foot to foot before fisting his hands into his pocket. He was nervous. I see Connie’s lips pull into a smile as she watched her dad, then averted her gaze to me. I felt the butterflies swarm my stomach, my heart pumping fast in my chest as I kept my eyes pinned to Killian.

He was waiting with bated breath for my answer. I was trying to think of a million and one reasons why I couldn’t go, but in the end, I let out a happy sigh and nodded, “That sounds lovely.”