Dear Heart, You Screwed Me

I stood in the chaos that surrounded us, a devastating fire that ripped through the three of us within seconds.

We were a disaster. We both knew that. Yet, we couldn’t stay away from each other because we were too fucking selfish.

And now we have done the one thing we didn’t want to do. The one thing I didn’t want to do. I had hurt Connie.

I finally lifted my eyes to see Reese a trembling mess on the sofa. Her whole body shook as the tears left her body.

I could have done more; I should have done more. Stepping back, I moved into Reese’s kitchen and saw the Chinese take-out still sitting on the countertop. I felt my cell buzz in my pocket, slipping it out I saw Lara, Connie’s mum flashing on the screen.

I cut her off and switched it off. I didn’t need her screaming down the phone at me tonight and telling me how much I had hurt Connie. I didn’t need her telling me, I already knew how much I had hurt her. I didn’t need her telling me and making me feel even more worthless than I already did. Looking at the plug-in kettle, I twisted it to see it had water in it. Flicking it on, I waited for it to boil. Reaching for a mug, I threw a teabag in the cup and filled it with boiling water. Did I add the milk now? Pulling the refrigerator door open, I grabbed a carton of milk and added a dash.

I turned my nose up, I wasn’t sure if this was right, but I would hope she would appreciate the gesture, or if she didn’t, I am pretty sure I would be wearing it. The temper in her was something else. She just snapped. One little thing to push her over the edge.

I walked cautiously over to her. She hadn’t moved.

I felt like an ass.

I crouched down in front of her and placed the mug on the coffee table in front of her.

“Baby,” I whispered, my hands gripping onto her thighs as I steadied myself.

She didn’t look up, her head was still buried in her hands.

I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to do.

“I’m sorry,” my voice was still low. She lifted her head, her beautiful opal eyes that were the most beautiful I had ever seen, rimmed in red, swollen and glassy.

“You’re sorry? she hissed before a laugh ripped through her, shaking her head from side to side as if in disbelief.

“I am,” my hands rubbed up and down her thighs.

“You don’t even know the meaning of the word.” She spat, pushing my hands off her then standing up and slamming her bedroom door shut.

I stood slowly, sitting on the coffee table and dropping my own head into my hands. How the fuck am I going to fix this?

I don’t know what to do, I feel like I am being pulled in opposite directions. I needed to sort it out with Connie, but I also needed to sort it out with Reese. I couldn’t leave it like this. She was pregnant with my baby, and I needed to be here for her.

Now.

Rubbing my face with my hands, I dragged my fingers over my stubble then slapped my palms onto my thighs. Standing, I shrugged my suit jacket off and folded it over the arm of her sofa where her coat and scarf was. I looked around her apartment, it was cosy and warm. Not like my apartment. My apartment was cold, it had no warmth in it at all. I paid someone to come in and design it, I didn’t choose any of the décor or the furniture. It wasn’t home to me. Just somewhere for me to lay my head.

I knew where I wanted to be. I knew where I wanted home to be.

But I wasn’t sure if home wanted me anymore.

Grabbing Reese’s coat and scarf, I held the cream cashmere scarf and held it under my nose and inhaled her scent. The familiar vanilla and peach tones awakened my senses, like a hit of a drug I so desperately craved. My skin pricked and tingled as I continued to sniff, I just couldn’t get enough.

She was my favourite scent.

My favourite taste.

My favourite everything.

It took all the strength in me to let go, to make my legs move to where I wanted them to go. I hung her coat and scarf up, letting the soft cashmere material slip between my index and middle finger.

Turning, I moved back towards the kitchen, putting the cartons of the still warm Chinese into the empty oven in the hopes to keep it warm for when she was ready. If she didn’t want it, I would go to wherever she wanted me to so I could get her food.

I picked up the broken glass from the floor where Connie had dropped it, making sure that the floor was cleaned of the spilt wine too. Then spraying the countertops down, I gave them a quick wipe over. I don’t know why, but I felt useless and thought it would help.

Thought it might make her feel a little better.

But then again what did I know… I was doing a pretty shitty job of making her feel good at the moment. But truth was, I needed to put the distance between us.

There was stuff going on behind closed doors that no one knew about and that’s how I wanted to keep it.

Once the sides were wiped down, I walked slowly back over to the open planned lounge and stood at the floor to ceiling window as I looked out at the people huddled together trying to shield themselves from the arctic rain that was pounding down onto the sidewalk.

Sighing, I pressed my forehead against the windowpane as I stilled. I turned my head behind me, my eyes skimming up and down the closed door. The single pane of wood between us. I hated it.

Turning my body slowly, my hand pushed into my pocket as I fiddled with the inner material of my suit trousers. I was nervous and no one ever made me nervous except her. She made me feel things I have never felt before.

I lifted my other hand which was balled into a fist and lingered over her bedroom door. I wanted to just walk in, stick my head round the door and say, ‘baby, I’m here.’

But I lost that right. She was angry with me; I had hurt her and she had lost her best friend because of my lack of self-control around her.

She wasn’t just some drunken mistake for me, she was so much more, but it was too late now. The damage was done.

My head dropped as I looked at the floor, my fist still hovering. I inched it closer to the wood before pulling it away slightly.

Inhaling deeply and squeezing my eyes shut I knocked gently on the door and waited. She never responded. My fingers skimmed down the wooden panel and curled around the silver doorknob, twisting, I heard the latch click. Pushing the door gently, craning my head round the door frame and calling out, “Reese,” keeping my voice low and soft.

My heart dropped, my throat thick suddenly as I saw her curled up on her bed. Her knees were tucked into her chest, her hands resting under her cheek as she let out soft snores. I saw her body shudder as she took an intake of breath, her breath catching. She had cried herself to sleep. It sounded like she was still crying while in her sleep and that broke my heart. I had screwed this all up. I had to fix it. Or at least fix her and Connie. I owed them both that much.

I tiptoed quietly over to the side of her bed, my eyes falling to her. Her golden blonde hair surrounded her face, her lips parted as the shallow breath left her. My hand hovered over her face, my brows pinching as I stilled for a moment. She truly was breath-taking. I knew she was beautiful, but I have never seen her this close and this still before.

Gently pushing her hair out of her face, I leant down and pressed my lips to her forehead, lingering for a moment. Her scent filled my nostrils, intoxicating me. I always wanted her, always craved her.

My lips brushed along her temple, they glided across her cheek bone before my lips pressed to the shell of her ear.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, kissing her again, “I’m so sorry…”

It took all the strength I had to step away from her, to leave her on the bed asleep when all I wanted to do was wake her up, climb on the bed behind her and pull her into my arms then never let her go again.

But it was too late.

We were always a losing game.

Some people are written in the stars, some their souls are linked and entwined from the very beginning and for some, love is nothing but a disaster. I was the gasoline; she was the flame. We were always going to cause a catastrophic wake in our paths.

I had found my person. Just at the wrong time.

And it killed me to walk away.

But I had to walk away.