Cyber Love

I took a deep breath in as I knocked on my mum's door. I was not ready for this at all, Zeke told me I could call him the minute I was at home if I needed to and I felt like I definitely needed to. I hadn’t spoken to my mum in nearly five months. I hadn’t called her and she hadn’t called me. I knew it upset Liv and I was really doing this for her. I smiled weakly as my mum opened the door, her own smile plastered on. My mum was in her sixties, grey short hair and her eyes were identical to mine.

“Sasha come in," she spoke like I was a fucking insurance salesman.

“Thanks mum, are you good?” I asked her as I walked into her kitchen.

“I’m fine, how are you? Did you want a coffee?”

“I’m great and yes please.”

“Great? That’s good to hear". Her voice was flat and I already wanted to run home.

“Sorry we haven’t spoken in a little while, work has been manic," I said as I watched her pour milk into my mug.

“Yeah, making video games must be a full time job". I chose to ignore her dig and took the coffee off the side.

“Thanks," I whispered and we stared at each other for a moment. God knows how this got this awkward. She was my mother, but acted like I was a stranger every time we spoke.

“It's my fault, I haven’t called you either. Your sister is in the living room.” She walked out of the kitchen and I followed her. Liv was on the sofa with her youngest, Dean who was just over a year.

“Sash!” she said, getting up and giving me a kiss on my cheek. It had been a while since I had seen Liv as well and I felt guilt in my stomach, there was no reason I ignored her as well. Liv took my coffee and handed me Dean.

“Hey Deano," I said, giving him a big cuddle. He pulled at my necklace as I sat down on the sofa. “Where are the other kids?” I asked Liv and she shook her head.

“Drew’s on daddy duties I need the space.” She chuckled and I smiled at her, I couldn’t even imagine how she dealt with four children, pregnant and working. My mum sat at the dining table and her face was like thunder.

“What’s the matter mum?” Liv asked, making me glad it wasn’t just me.

“Nothing, sorry I didn’t realise Sasha was coming". I moved my head back, Liv didn’t tell her? And what mother fucking says that? “Oh sorry I can go," I whispered and Liv grabbed my arm.

“Why would she not be here?” Liv asked mum, who waved her hand in front of her face.

“I didn’t mean it like that, just an observation. How are you feeling?” Mum asked Liv, her voice picking up.

“I’m feeling okay, we've got our scan tomorrow". Liv replied.

“I'm so happy for you and Drew. I’m so happy you're continuing to make something of your life.” My mum said smugly. My face screwed up then, was that a dig? I sat awkwardly with Dean still on my lap. Fucking hell I wished the ground would swallow me whole right now. My mind quickly went back to this house when my dad was still alive. We were always so close, he made me laugh every day. He was the best dad in the world and I sniffed a tear back, just thinking of his smiley face and perfect hugs.

“We both are mum, I'm glad you're happy," Liv said, taking a fussy Dean out of my arms and bringing me back to the present.

“I’m so happy for you and Drew but I don’t know how you do it." I said to her chuckling. “Neither do I". Liv laughed and I grabbed my coffee. “So what's been going on with Sasha? I love your new hair colour,” Liv said and I avoided my mum's gaze. Liv always tried her hardest with me and mum, it made me feel awful that it never seemed to work. However much Liv tried to get my mum to give a fuck about me she didn't.

“Work has been crazy, we have a new game coming out in a couple of months and it’s just been all of us focused on that". I shrugged, before sipping my coffee.

“A man?” Liv asked, her smile broad. Before I could answer my mum scoffed.

“What?” I asked, my anger building up.

“I don’t know why you ask that, Liv, we both know the answer, your sister would rather sit and play video games all day." My mum spat out, talking like I wasn't even in the room.

“What is your problem?” I asked her, my face screwed up. I was sick to death of this, remembering why I never fucking came here. It was this shit every time, I was a failure in her eyes and always would be.

“You're not doing anything with your life Sasha."

“Yes I am, I have a good job and a flat." I said staring into mum's eyes. She scoffed before speaking, sitting back at the dining chair.

“A good job?" She laughed, "it's not a proper job though is it?"

“Mum, fucking hell" Liv said and I appreciated her having my back. "Sasha worked hard to get where she is. I'm proud of her". Liv said, her voice slightly breaking. I looked over at her, her hand on my arm. I really needed to give her more credit.

“No Liv, her life was saved and she does what with it?” Mum spoke, finally looking over at me.

“What does that mean?” I asked standing up. Mum turned to me, hate in her eyes. Hate I had always seen since dad died.

“It means dad gave his life for yours and then you fucking waste it. Your dad wouldn’t have wasted his". I swallowed audibly, what was she getting at?

“Mum" Liv started and I cut over her.

"Dad was proud of me," I said, my voice trembling. "He was proud of Liv too, he took interest in our interests. Unlike you." I spat out, still standing. The atmosphere in the room was unbearably awkward.

"I stand by what I said Sasha, your life was saved and now all you fucking do is play video games all day like a fucking twelve year old. Why did you get to be saved to then waste it all."

“What are you saying? I should have died?” My voice was a mess and I felt my legs turn to jelly.

“That's exactly what I’m saying". Mum said her voice full of anger. My blood froze and I took all of my energy to not slap her round the face.

“Fuck you.” I spat out, turning to the door.

“Sash!” I heard Liv shout as I ran to the front door, slamming it behind me. I ran for my car, tears blocking my vision. I started my car, my hands shaking. I couldn’t drive but I needed to be away from this house before Liv came out. I needed to get away from this situation before it completely destroyed me. I drove about half a mile up the road, no seat belt on and dodgy vision because of my tears. I slammed on the brakes and turned off the car, grabbing my phone.

“Hey baby your back early,” Zeke’s voice made me cry harder and I let out a sob, my back shaking. “What’s happened?” He asked, his voice full of concern.

“I shouldn’t,” I took a deep breath in, close to having a panic attack. “Of come she is a fucking bitch!” I screamed, my breath still trying to run away from me.

“Sash, calm down, take a breath for me please.” His voice was begging and I did what I was told, taking a deep breath in through my nose. “What did she say?”

“She said I'm wasting my life and my dad wouldn’t have wasted his. That playing video games is a waste of a life." My breathing was better but I still couldn’t understand myself through my tears so god knows how Zeke understood me.

“What the fuck does that mean?” He said quickly.

“She wished I died instead of him."

“Bullshit," he spat out. I shook my head, taking a deep breath to try and calm down again.

“No, she told me that. They are her words.” I spat out slamming my head against my steering wheel. I heard Zeke groan and I closed my eyes.

“Sash, I don’t know what to say. You know she’s wrong don’t you?” His voice was low and filled with sadness. I didn’t have anything to say so I just sighed, moving my head up. “Has she said this to you before?” Zeke asked me.

“Not in so many words but she’s always making digs at me. We haven’t spoken in months”. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, checking behind me for Liv. She wasn't there and I spoke again.

"Is she right? Like is my life that fucking pathetic she's right?" I took a deep breath in, my chest hurting. "Tell me my life isn't a waste". I begged him.

"If your life is a waste, so is mine Sash. Are you happy?" I scoffed at the question.

"I was," I whispered.

"You are. Think about it, your mum might say, games are a waste but think about it deeper". His voice was firm and I closed my eyes, listening. "You make games to help people have fun, help people who are anxious and need to relax, people who can't sleep because of pain or illness." Zeke took a deep breath in and I smiled. "You make games for people to connect to one another, to meet others. Like us". A tear rolled down my cheek, he was right.

"I didn’t even get to tell Liv about you". I cried.

“You will, there's no rush. Just concentrate on your relationship with Liv you don’t have to concentrate on your mum. Wait for her to apologise, this isn't on you". I let out a breath, he was right and I shouldn’t be pushing Liv away because of my mum. “Baby?” Zeke said and I closed my eyes.

“Yeah," I breathed out, even at my lowest moments he could bring me up.

“Your dad doesn’t agree with her. I know your dad is proud of you". Tears poured down my cheeks as I ran my hand through my hair.

“I know," I whispered.

“Text me when you're home. Remember you have less than a week then you're coming to see me. Then we can waste our lives together". That made me grin and I started my car.

“I can’t wait." I beamed while putting my seat belt on.