City of Boneheads: A Parody of City of Bones (The Mortal Instruments Book 1)

“She’s a pretty little thing.”

“Pretty, yeah, but is she hot like us?”

“Hmmmm, not sure. Maybe at like the low end of hot?”

“Perhaps if you did her hair over? And took a little off the nose?”

“Look, she’s waking up!”

“Better get Jace.”

“I think he might be on a date with another mundie chick.”

“Man, that guy’s got the mundie fever!”

Clary lay in bed, still groggy from what seemed like the deepest sleep of her life. She glanced around and studied the various antique furnishings. The room appeared to be a bedroom in a cool old apartment building.

The door opened and Jace walked in, holding a tray with a saucer on it.

“You’re awake!” said Jace.

“I’ve been awake for two hours,” said Clary.

“Sorry, I was at, um, Shadowhunter practice,” said Jace.

Isabelle then walked in, carrying a stack of clothes.

“Hey, you’re the girl from the club,” said Clary.

“Yep, name’s Isabelle. I’m leaving you some of my clothes. Unfortunately we had to burn yours.”

“Oh, because they had demon poison on them?” said Clary.

“No, because they were store-brand,” said Isabelle. “Later, mundie.” She walked out.

Clary tried to sit up, but had to stop because she felt dizzy.

“Here, have this,” said Jace, handing her the saucer.

“What is it?”

“It’s a tisane, an herbal tea with medicinal properties,” said Jace.

“Oh, you mean water with twigs in it that crazy people think makes you feel better even though there’s no scientific evidence for it?” said Clary. “Thanks!”

“Now that you’re awake, we probably should take you to Hodge,” said Jace. “He really wants to speak with you.”

“So this ‘Hodge’ guy—is he like your leader?” said Clary.

“He thinks he is.”

“Huh?”

“Hodge isn’t actually a Shadowhunter,” said Jace. “He’s just an old man who owns the apartment building. But we tell him he’s the leader of the Shadowhunters because he thinks it’s really cool and lets us live here for a discounted rent.”

“Sounds like a sweet deal,” said Clary.

“A 37-room apartment in the middle of Manhattan for 35 bucks a month?” said Jace. “It’s the greatest deal in the history of real estate! Come on, get dressed.”

Clary got out of bed, walked over to the stack of clothes on the dresser, and put on one of Isabelle’s tops. Isabelle had much bigger cleavage than Clary so the top was huge, and the neckline hung below Clary’s bra.

“Perfect!” said Jace. “Let’s go.”

As Clary followed Jace down the wood-paneled hallway, she kept passing empty bedrooms.

“Why are there so many empty rooms?” said Clary

“Do you think people as hot as us grow on trees?” said Jace. “We’re very exclusive.”

“Are you the only three Shadowhunters?” said Clary.

“No, there are more in Idris, our home country.”

“Why don’t you live in Idris?”

“Because the highlight of the town is the Walmart,” said Jace. “Total boondocks.”

Jace led Clary through a doorway into a large round library. In the center of the room sat a desk, on top of which was a handwritten sign that said, “Hodge Starkweather – Leader, Shadowhunters.” Behind the desk sat an old man playing solitaire. He looked up, saw Clary, and smiled.

“Great job killing that demon!” said Hodge.

“It wasn’t me so much as it was Jace’s phone,” said Clary. She looked at Jace. “Sorry ‘bout your phone, by the way.”

“Bah, he can get another,” said Hodge.

“Sure, for $700!” said Jace. “I’m only six months into my two-year contract, so I’d have to pay full price for a new one! No thanks, I’ll just use my old phone. Thank god I saved it.” Jace held up an old flip phone with a cracked screen.

“What the heck is she doing here?” came a voice from the doorway. Clary looked over and saw it was Alec, the guy who’d been with Jace and Isabelle at the club. “You know the rules, Jace. No mundies!”

Jace waved his hand dismissively, and turned to Clary. “He says that whenever a mundie girl comes,” said Jace. “But never when a mundie guy comes, interestingly enough.”

“Boys, please, I’d like to talk to Clary,” said Hodge. “So Clary, here’s what’s confusing me about that demon attack: why would demons be interested in an ordinary mundane household?”

“Well my mom did have a really nice collection of Olympic pins,” said Clary.

Hodge shook his head. “It would make a lot more sense if your mom were a warlock or witch,” he said.

“My mom’s not a witch, but my neighbor’s a bitch. Does that count?”

Hodge stood up and paced around the room, rubbing his chin. “It’s just so perplexing,” said Hodge. “It makes no sense that a demon attacked a mundane family.”

“She’s not a mundane,” said Jace.

“What?” said Hodge. “How do you know?”

“After the attack she was resisting coming to the Institute for treatment, so I used the Sleep tramp stamp on her,” said Jace.

“Why didn’t you use the Go Back to Your Place and Hook Up With You tramp stamp?” said Alec.

“Crap, I totally forgot about that one!” said Jace.

“You used a tramp stamp on her?” said Hodge. “Are you out of your mind?”

“What’s the problem with giving me a tramp stamp?” said Clary.

“When a mundane gets a tramp stamp there’s a 95% chance the tramp stamp will kill it and turn the mundane into a monster,” said Hodge.

“What’s so bad about that?” said Jace. “Being a monster is fun! You get to run around scaring people, and you don’t have to go to school!”

“Hmmmm, maybe she is a Shadowhunter,” said Alec. “But that would mean her mother is also a Shadowhunter, which would explain why the demon attacked her.”

“Did she ever say anything about being a Shadowhunter?” said Hodge.

“Nope,” said Clary. “But you know who might know? Luke, the guy she hooks up with once a week. Can I call him?”

Jace handed Clary his old flip phone. Clary started dialing, then stopped.

“Um, the 5 key is missing,” said Clary.

“Just press the little plastic knob there really hard,” said Jace. “Oh also, I hope Luke’s number doesn’t have a 7.”

Clary dialed the number, and after a couple of rings Luke picked up.

“Hello?” said Luke.

“Hi Luke, it’s Clary. Random question for you: Was mom a Shadowhunter?”“

“Beats me,” said Luke. “I try not to ask her any personal stuff, because then she’ll think we’re actually dating.”

“Understandable,” said Clary. She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Hey I’m kinda stuck at this weird Institute place, and Mom’s apartment is trashed. Any chance I could crash there for a few days?”

“Sorry, Clary. The reason I only hook up with your mom rather than date her is precisely so I’m not obligated in situations like this. Maybe I’ll see you later if your mom ever comes back. Bye!”

Clary closed the phone, and Jace saw her sad expression.

“Lemme guess,” said Jace. “He won’t help you out  ’cause he’s hooking up with her and not dating her.”

Clary nodded.

“I don’t know this Luke guy, but I already like him,” said Jace.

“So Clary, do you remember anything else about the demon?” said Hodge. “Did it say anything, for instance?”

“Not a word,” said Clary. “The only thing I remember about it is that it had a nametag on its collar that said, ‘If found, return me to Valentine.’”

Everyone’s eyes went wide and they all gave each other a look.

“Valentine?” said Hodge.

“Whoa,” said Alec.

“He must’ve been looking for the Mortal Keg,” said Jace.

“The Mortal Keg?” said Clary. “What the heck is that?”

“The Mortal Keg is the only way to create Shadowhunters,” said Jace. “Legend has it that the first Shadowhunter, Tom Shadowhunterberg, had a keg party and invited the Angel Raziel. Raziel brought a keg, and everyone who drank from it became a Shadowhunter. Along with all their descendants.”

“So why does this guy Valentine want it?” said Clary.

“He’s not just a guy. He’s a very powerful Shadowhunter,” said Alec. “And he wants the keg to make money.”

“How?” said Clary.

“By selling membership to the Shadowhunters,” said Alec.

“So what’s the big deal?” said Clary. “You sell a bunch of memberships, you get a lot more Shadowhunters to help you fight demons, and you make a ton of cash to boot.”

Jace scoffed. “Being a Shadowhunter isn’t just about killing demons,” said Jace. “It’s not even mainly about killing demons.”

“Then what’s it about?” said Clary.

“In case you haven’t noticed, all the Shadowhunters are hot,” said Jace.

“Or used to be hot,” said Alec, pointing at Hodge, who frowned.

“Being a Shadowhunter is about hanging out with the hottest people, and going to exclusive Shadowhunter parties and special events at the world’s hottest clubs, and knowing you’re one of the hottest creatures in the universe,” said Jace.

“At least, that’s what it’s been about ‘til now,” said Alec. “Because if Valentine gets his way, he’ll sell a membership to every lame-o who wants to be in our club, and completely wreck it.”

“So am I in the club?” said Clary.

There was an uncomfortable pause.

“We’re not entirely sure yet,” said Alec, “’cause we haven’t decided whether you’re hot or just really cute.”

“If you help us find the Mortal Keg, though, it could definitely sway our decision,” said Jace.

“I’m in!” said Clary.

“Great,” said Jace. “Hodge, since Clary will be working with us, is it cool if she stays here?”

Hodge shrugged. “As long as her credit report comes out OK and she has good references,” he said. “Here, you’ll need to fill out a renter’s application.” He handed Clary a 10-page document.

“I’ll do it right away,” said Clary. “But do you mind if I stop back at my mom’s apartment first? There’s some stuff there I really need.”

“No way,” said Alec. “For all we know, there could be more demons there.”

“Please?” said Clary.

“Don’t worry about your clothes, we’ll buy you some new stuff,” said Jace.

“It’s not clothes I want to grab,” said Clary. “I have some really good weed there. I’ll let you all try it!”

Jace, Alec, and Hodge all looked at each other enthusiastically.

“I’ll go with her,” said Jace.