Chasing River

Pandora’s Box

‘Hope…which is whispered from Pandora’s box only after all the other plagues and sorrows had escaped, is the best and last of all things. Without it, there is only time. And time pushes at our backs like a centrifuge, forcing us outward and away, until it nudges us into oblivion.’

– Ian Caldwell

IT WAS the middle of December, the fifteenth to be exact and as winter swung around it got colder every day, I’d spent the past few days curled up in blankets, drinking hot cocoa and hating having to go to school. I danced to the music as River watched me idly laying on my little bed, Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits played on the speaker of my phone. I moved like a tone-deaf ballerina but I didn’t care because I was having so much fun all on my own.

‘You’ve had way too much coffee this morning,’ River warned with a slight laugh and I reached out for his hand,

‘Come on baby dance with me.’ I encouraged and he looked behind him sarcastically as though I were talking to someone else, ‘S’il vous plaît?’ Please,

“Les choses que je fais pour toi.’ He groaned, the things I do for you, and allowed me to pull him up towards me with my hand.

I pressed his body against mine and we moved slowly to the music, I must’ve stepped on his shoes at least five times but we just laughed it off. When I stepped forward, he stepped back and we swayed to the beautiful music. Things had been hard for me those past few weeks since the loss of my bibi, I missed her more and more every single day. River had been really supportive throughout and I hoped he knew how much I appreciated him just being there.

‘C’est comme si je devais me rappeler tous les jours que tu es réel,’ River said softly. It’s like I have to remind myself every day that you’re real, and I smiled at him.

‘Okay- where is my friend River and what on earth have you done with him?’ Keomi exclaimed comically, I didn’t even hear her enter the dorm room.

‘Ha ha,’ River added, she laughed and so did I,

‘I have violin practice this afternoon.’ Keomi told me tossing her bag on her bed, ‘Will you be okay on your own?’

I thought about it for a second, and I was about to say that I was but that would’ve been a terrible lie. I hated being alone right now, it gave me too much time inside of my own head and I didn’t really feel safe there anymore, not just yet. Keomi waited for my answer just as River said,

‘You can come with me this afternoon.’ He suggested and I felt horrible, I didn’t want to be a burden to him and I knew he already had plans.

‘But what about your mom, weren’t you supposed to take her to her Gynaecologist since your dad’s in New York?’ I asked, ‘I can’t ask you to do that.’

‘You’re not asking me to do anything, I’m offering and it’s okay, she’s been asking who all the uh feminine hygiene products in my bathroom belong to,’ River added, my cheeks flushed and Keomi laughed,

‘Shut up,’ I disapproved shoving his shoulder playfully,

‘Okay then I guess you’ll be alone-‘ he teased and I cut him short,

‘No no no!’ I exclaimed grabbing his Burberry sweater I’d stolen from his apartment a few days ago, he didn’t seem to mind anyway, he thought it looked better on me than it did him. It automatically became the most expensive piece of clothing I ‘owned’ the second I tossed it in my closet. ‘I didn’t mean it, let’s go!’ I grinned childishly and he leaned down to kiss me, and when he did so Keomi threw a fluffy pillow at us.

‘Not fair please leave I can’t do this right now!’ She groaned and we laughed.

‘Um River Gene told me to tell you to give her a call, she said that you know what it’s about,’ Keomi added just as we were walking out the door. I looked up at him in question but his gaze didn’t meet mine which was odd, but I didn’t care because they were friends and knew each other long before he even knew my name.

We made our way to his car and I deliberately took a seat in the back out of respect so his mom could sit in the front. As we make our way over to the St Agnes Women’s Clinic I noticed how truly exquisite Paris was in winter, the leaves had almost completely fallen off and left the trees barren in expectation for the frost to soon fall. I reached my hand outside the window as we drove but River scolded me and told me to close the window. We waited patiently in the parking lot for his mom.

‘Your dad is rarely home is he?’ I asked and he looked back at me with a wry smile,

‘No, he’s always really busy.’ River disclosed turning up the heat in the car, ‘Not to mention he doesn’t quite like the holidays.’

‘Aww that’s a shame, why not?’ I replied, drawing shapes on the window due to the humidity,

‘It reminds him of when mon grand-mère passed away, it was on Christmas Eve,’ River told me,

‘I’m sorry.’ I apologized, mostly because I felt like I had to- I didn’t know what else to say, River simply shrugged nonchalantly,

‘Don’t apologise, I never even met her, he was twelve when it happened.’ River added and I wrapped my arms around the front seat to place my hand on his, there was a pause before he asked, ‘Would you ever want to go back to Kenya permanently?’ I give him a slight laugh at that,

‘Just because you miss something, no matter how dearly- doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you.’

I told him and I felt him thread his delicate fingers through my own, ‘But if you’re asking what I think you’re asking, I’m not going anywhere.’ I assured him and he didn’t think I noticed but I saw him smile a little in the mirror.

Just then I saw a woman waving at us from the entrance of the clinic, she was beautiful, absolutely breathtaking. She had luscious locks of chestnut brown hair and the most radiant natural olive skin, it was a slightly darker honey than River’s. She wore a dainty floral white dress and as she made her way over to the car with her hand over her growing belly I could see her eyes. I knew those eyes, they were the first thing I captured in her just as they were the first thing I’d captured in River. Sharp, almost cat-like, the kind that pierced your very soul and made you feel seen.

‘I’m sorry that appointment took much longer than I’d expected, didn’t mean to keep you waiting-‘ She spoke like what I’d imagined a silver stream to sound like, she had a not-so-heavy Hispanic accent, she placed her Louis Vuitton handbag in the front seat before pausing when she saw me, ‘Ahhh now who is this beautiful young lady in the back?’

‘Maman, this is Armani Nnandi, my girlfriend.’ River introduced me and my cheeks caught fire at the use of that word, I hadn’t really thought about it much and it felt odd to say that I was in fact River Kennedy’s girlfriend.

‘I’d been waiting for you to finally introduce me to the mystery girl I’ve been sensing in your apartment this past month, took you long enough.’ She teased before reaching out her hand to me and shaking it, ‘I’m Violette, it’s a sincere pleasure to meet you, Armani, my son here never brings any girls home.’

‘It’s a pleasure to meet you too.’ I beamed trying to make a good first impression, ‘Congratulations on the baby!’

She smiled at that and placed her hand over her belly, I’d assumed she was only just entering her second trimester. ‘Thank you, sweetheart, they’re a real kicker this one, I can tell they’ll be quite the opposite of their big brother here. I had him when I was nineteen, didn’t even know I was pregnant until three months with him because he was so silent.’ She told me, brushing a loose hair away from River’s face, she had this youthful essence about her- she didn’t look a day over twenty.

‘He still is,’ I added and she laughed,

‘True, but what can ya do?’

‘I’m not that quiet,’ River commented starting the engine up again,

‘You spoke your first words when you were two years old.’ Violette contradicted and I couldn’t help but laugh, ‘We considered speech therapy only for those first words to be I have nothing to say.’

‘Oh gosh, emo since birth huh?’ I teased,

‘Home?’ River asked her and she paused,

‘Yes and you’re both coming with me, do say you’ll stay for a late lunch?’ She insisted and I quite literally could not say no.

‘Maman…’ River warned but she proceeded,

‘I’ll make your favourite.’ She persisted and he turned to look at me for confirmation,

‘Of course, I’d love to.’ I agreed,

‘Great then!’ She said buckling her seatbelt, ‘Let’s go Mijo.’

We drove for a long while to the countryside. All the homes we passed by were old and luxurious, but none even remotely compared to his parent’s residence. There stood the tall faded grey brick walls surrounded by infinite acres of evergreen oak trees that’d lost their leaves in the harsh winter. I read the gold sign that read Violette Manor.

‘Named after your mom?’ I whispered so only he could hear me, he didn’t speak he just nodded. I smiled at his father’s gesture.

A man in a security uniform came forth and opened the sterling silver gates as we drove down the long driveway, we passed by a small lake and an orchard stripped of its fruits until we arrived at the mansion.

It stood tall and confident like a woman scorned, a thick cast of clouds loomed over like it held many secrets. But then the sun peaked out from behind the clouds and wrapped it in a loving embrace, I turned to look at River, this was his home.

As we parked in the seemingly endless driveway I tried my best to picture a little River running around outside getting lost between the groves of trees or swinging from a branch with his little feet off the ground. The second I stepped into his house I felt like I’d unlocked another door to the mind palace that was River Kennedy. The walls were made of stone and glass that made it appear almost palace-like, the ceiling was painted with cherubs and angel’s and I felt like I was at the Louvre.

‘Your home is beautiful.’ I complimented both of them, River shrugged but his mom smiled warmly,

‘Thank you, dear, you can make yourself comfortable in the living room or dining hall, while this one.’ She said pulling River along with her, ‘Helps me get the food ready.’

I made my way into the living room and it was the only place that felt warm, the fireplace crackled and spread heat through the room. There was priceless art all over the room and even some pieces with River’s signature on them. I turned my gaze to the photo frames on the glass table; his parents when they were younger at their wedding, River as a baby with his perfect big blue eyes, River on his first day of school, River winning his first art competition, River meeting World Renown artist Marc Pierre. It was evident to me that he was truly their pride and joy, it was like a museum dedicated to his existence. But then there was another that caught my eye, unlike the others.

It was a picture of River, he looked about sixteen or so standing by the River Seine next to another boy with thick curls of blonde hair, a face full of freckles, and brown eyes. This picture was different because he was smiling, he wasn’t in all the rest, I’d assumed this picture was taken when he wasn’t paying attention. He looked so blissfully happy and content.

‘He was like a second son to me,’ River’s mom spoke suddenly standing beside me drying her hands with a tea towel, ‘Jace Monet, I’m sure River told you he passed last year no?’

‘Yes,’ I replied and she smiled sadly looking at the picture,

‘Can I be blunt with you for a moment, Armani?’ She asked, looking me in the eye, and I nod silently in agreement, ‘River was devastated, he didn’t even tell me, I found out from Jace’s parents. When we found out his father and I came home immediately and when my son, my seventeen-year-old only son looked me in the eye and told me he was scared of himself because he was starting to feel like he didn’t want to be alive anymore I-‘ She paused shutting her eyes and taking a deep breath, I had no idea it was that bad after he died.

I placed a patient hand over her own. It was almost like she was pleading with me when she said, ‘I didn’t know what to do, it was almost like the light inside him was dying. I don’t think I’ve seen him this happy in a while, life hasn’t been very good to him in the past so please, for me, be good to him.’

‘I will, I promise,’ I assured her and she looked like she could cry.

‘Oh gosh, I’m sorry it must be my hormones being all over the place and pregnancy brain but I just wanted to say thank you for staying today, I can’t wait to get to know you better.’ She smiled dabbing at her eyes,

“It’s okay, I’m really excited to get to know you better. I appreciate your honesty, I value your vulnerability.” I assured her.

Just then River made his way into the living room in an apron that read kiss the cook, with a tray of what looked like literal tar.

‘Maman I think I burned the garlic rolls.’ He said clearing his throat and I tried my best not to laugh.

‘Te di un trabajo y solo un trabajo y tu quemas la comida!’ His mother scolded in Spanish and even though I didn’t understand a single word I knew it was still really funny to watch.

We sat down at the table for lunch, which was a beef lasagne for us and a tofu greek salad for River. She told me stories about River when he was a kid, about how he found it hard to make friends and how he was so happy when he finally found someone who understood him. About how when he was fifteen he tried to drive his dad’s Mercedes and accidentally drove it into a muddy pond. About how his favourite subject in school was actually chemistry and not art. She told me about how he’d always wanted a sibling but she was never able to give him one, until then.

‘It’s a girl.’ She said looking down and folding her hand over her little bump playing with her wedding ring, she was so in love it was obvious she was glowing.

River paused for a second and then his eyes lit up in a way I’d never seen before, he didn’t say anything but at the same time he didn’t need to.

By the time we were done eating lunch, it was already 6 PM and River got a call from Monsieur Etienne to finish up his project. River and I helped wash the dishes before we began to head out the door.

‘Thank you so much for having us Maman,’ River thanked and she looked up at him, he was still much taller than her and she pulled his face down and kissed his forehead.

‘Say you’ll be home for Christmas?’ She insisted and he gave her a genuine smile,

‘I’ll see.’ He replied sheepishly.

River handed me the keys to his car and let me drive because after I left him on campus I’d be going back to his apartment, he said it was okay and that he’d get someone else to drive him, I knew he meant Geneviève. Before he left the car he kissed me slowly and patiently, his mouth was warm and familiar against my own.

‘Your mom is so kind, you look so much like her it’s almost scary.’ I teased and he gave me a low laugh,

‘People say that all the time, I don’t see it. She sometimes says it’s like looking in a mirror.’ He commented, ‘Thank you for meeting her today, it um- it meant a lot to me.’

‘Of course, now go ahead before Monsieur loses his shit.’ I laughed and he left shutting the car door and warning me not to crash his car into the Eiffel Tower.

I took a shower and changed into my pyjamas, but just as I was about to make my way to the kitchen to get a glass of water I noticed that River left his art room unlocked for once. I knew he usually didn’t want me in there but I couldn’t help it, so I wandered inside and took a look at his paintings. I’d never seen these ones before, they were much darker and eerie. I ran my fingers over them and the one that really caught my eye was the one of me, I remembered when he painted that, the first time I let him see me bare.

Then I remembered the box that I saw that night but it was not in the same spot it was that day. I looked everywhere for it but I couldn’t find it. That was until I stepped on a slightly loose floorboard and I peeled it open, lifted the box up and placed it on the wooden table. It was made of cherrywood and lined with silver clasps, it was beautiful. I got the key and unlocked it with a click. This was wrong, I thought, I was invading his privacy I thought but oh the curiosity I thought. And it prevailed.

This was what would change everything you see, this secret little box, this was the last piece of the puzzle that I’d been searching for, this was the one thing he held closer to his heart than anything else. I remembered how this little box changed everything for us, and how what was inside was nothing I would’ve ever expected. This box held a truth I thought I knew deep down but couldn’t bring myself to accept, the signs were all there staring me right in the face but I ignored it.

River’s darkest, yet most beautiful secret, his most sacred sin, his longest nurtured lie.