Chasing River

Bad Blood

RIVER AND I remained in silence as he parked his car in the campus driveway, I couldn’t believe I was back here. There were moments when I thought I’d never even see this place again, I had to admit I hated the pressure of school sometimes but it was a blessing compared to living under my parents’ roof. It was almost like with them I wasn’t allowed to be my own person, I wasn’t allowed to have my own beliefs and opinions without that appearing as a personal attack towards them. I couldn’t say how I felt without it coming off as ungrateful and it was exhausting and I was so glad I was back here.

‘Hey, are you okay?’ River asked, those were the first words he said to me,

‘I am now,’ I assured him and his sharp captivating blue eyes remained firmly on me, and it was only at that moment that I realised that they had hues of the earthiest green.

‘Thanks for the ride, I appreciate you picking me up so early and at such short notice.’ I thanked him and he assured me that it was no problem. I then proceeded to open up the car door to leave but he stopped me.

‘Wait, come here.’ He said, his voice low and all-consuming.

I closed my eyes and I could feel his hot breath on my skin, I wanted to feel him, I wanted to be as close to him as I possibly could. I reached to wrap my arms around his neck brushing his perfect light curls, he pulled me in closer.

‘You make me feel alive River…’ I whispered,

His lips brushed mine, like a tease, and I could almost feel the want oozing off of him. His mouth connected with mine and then all at once the world fell away, his kiss was soft slow, and full of desire. I ran a hand through his hair and he sighed into our kiss, and I knew how good it felt for him too, and in his kiss, he told me that he was awake, that he and I were connected within, and that he saw me for who I was. The sound of the early morning gulls called to us in the distance, rejoicing in our inevitable embrace. His tongue slipped through and tamed mine in a battle of lust, I groaned and pressed my chest against his and he slowed his kiss once again before pulling away.

‘Eager are we?’ River smirked and I shoved him playfully,

‘You’re unbelievable Kennedy.’ I groaned leaping out of the car and taking my suitcase out of the backseat,

‘I’ll see you later, ma préféré.’ There it was again, my favourite.

I remembered a time I wondered what it would be like to be someone’s favourite, the one they’d choose over anyone else and the one who was unlike any other. I felt like in English we had such simple words to call the ones we cared for, but in French, everything had a deeper meaning. It’d sound bizarre to call someone your preferred one in English and it probably wouldn’t sound as romantic but if you think about it it’s truly beautiful.

At least to me anyway.

I shut the door and then River drove off and I was alone again. I made my way across campus and checked in again at the admin desk.

‘You are late Miss Nnandi, check-in for first years was yesterday?’ The lady at the front desk chided, she had hair like flames and black-rimmed glasses that made her evergreen eyes burst with colour, she was really pretty and didn’t belong cooped up behind a desk at the girls’ dormitories.

‘I know but unfortunately my flight was held back.’ I lied and I got the idea that she knew this,

‘Oh, I’ve heard that one many times before. I’m told you left in a bit of a hurry no?’ She reproached with a sarcastic laugh, ‘Be aware to be punctual next time mademoiselle, this is a professional establishment, not a charity.’

‘And I’m a student here and this is your job,’ I replied with an equally sarcastic grin and she was left utterly dumbfounded.

I rolled my eyes and made my way towards my dorm and knocked on the door so Keomi didn’t know it’s me. Once I heard her chirpy come in on the other end I opened the door slowly and Keomi leapt off the bed and jumped up to eagerly wrap her arms around me.

‘Armani!’ She exclaimed, ‘I’ve missed you so much and I’ve sent you thousands of texts and called many times, when I heard you left in a rush with your mom I assumed the worst and thought you wouldn’t be coming back.’

I hadn’t texted any of my friends back while I was in Jacksonville because it was all too much, I didn’t know if I would be returning therefore I didn’t have the heart to tell them. And I knew that they would ask if I was okay and I couldn’t bring myself to tell them I was not.

‘Yeah oh God, I know I’m so sorry, I had a lot of family stuff to sort out but I’m back now.’ I tried my best to assure her,

‘What happened with your mom?’ Keomi asked sitting me down next to her at the foot of her bed,

‘She saw me and River uhh…together and she kinda lost her shit. She put me on a plane back to Florida and threatened to not bring me back to St Kathrine’s because she thought I was getting distracted from my purpose and throwing my life away.’ I explained and I realized how truly ludicrous her assumptions sounded saying them out loud.

‘What the hell, that was so wrong of her to do that, you’re literally turning nineteen in two months and she’s still coddling you.’ Keomi scoffed, but her eyes softened before wrapping her arms around me again, ‘I’m so sorry you had to go through that, and I’m so happy you’re back now.’

‘I missed you too Keomi, I just wish I could’ve known she’d be here.’ I figured and her expression shifted to confusion,

‘I was going out but I did tell him to tell you.’ She reckoned and now I was just as confused,

‘Told who to tell me?’ I asked and then her expression changed to one that was all-knowing,

‘Fabian, he was supposed to tell you and River when you got back didn’t you see him when you arrived?’ Keomi asked tucking a strand of her straight dark hair behind her ear,

‘We did but he just ignored us as per usual— wait so you’re telling me that all this could’ve been avoided if Fabian just warned me?’ And just like that, all my confusion dissolved into frustration and anger,

‘I’m so sorry Armani I guess he’s just not as over you turning him down as you thought.’ Keomi reckoned, ‘That was really shitty of him.’

Fabian knew how unaccepting my mother was and he knew exactly what would happen if she knew about River and I, but he saw us walk past him that night and he didn’t say anything. He did it all to spite me for not choosing him, to what ends would he go to get revenge? I was beyond furious and I decided that this was enough and I had to give him a piece of my mind.

I got up from the bed jet-lagged and all and decided enough was enough with this ridiculous grudge he was holding.

‘Where’re you going?’ Keomi jeered and to which I confidently said,

‘To end this shit.’

I made my way across and over to the boys’ dorms which was always incredibly awkward and unpleasant, probably being the only woman in the building. I didn’t even knock on the door I just pushed it open and his scrawny roommate Karl answered.

‘Hey what’s the big idea!’ He whined but I shoved past him to find Fabian seated at his desk studying. He looked up at me with surprise and awe, but then saw my angered expression and began to shift awkwardly in his seat.

‘What the fuck Fabian?’ I yelled and I shut his textbook for him because I wanted answers and I was going to get them.

He remained silent and simply watched me.

‘Is your hatred for me so strong that you’d put my place at this school and everything I’ve worked for on the line to spite me?’ I jabbed and he swallowed hard, still not saying anything. ‘Aren’t you going to say anything, aren’t you going to at least try and deny that you set me up? Of course, you’re not because it’s true, isn’t it? You hate the fact that River and I are finally getting to a good place and you wanted to see us apart.’

‘You’d be better off without him.’ Is all Fabian said in a tone I didn’t recognize from him,

‘This isn’t the Fabian I know, this isn’t the Fabian who was there for me when no one else was. This isn’t my friend— I don’t recognize this- this- coward.’ I spat, ‘And as for what you said before, you’re simply going to have to learn to deal with it because River isn’t going anywhere. And as for you, you can go to hell, Fabian Lyon.’

‘Armani I-‘ he began but I cut him off,

‘And I’m not going to be the one to tell River that one of his best friends set up him and the girl he likes. You’re going to be the one to tell him and if you don’t then I will, and that will be way worse for you.’ I seethed and I slammed the door shut.

I was way too tired for this bullshit.

Dreamscape Journal Entry:

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.

– Langston Hughs

When I closed my eyes and opened them once more I was splayed on the woodland floor once more, I was wearing my plain white lace nightgown and it was covered in earth. I looked up at the moon and it called to me as the nightlife echoed in the near distance, the soft coo of the owls and snickering of the cunning foxes. I felt the drumming of the earth beneath my palms as I got up and heard the call of a voice.

‘Help!’ The young voice called, ‘Help him please!’

It was that of a little boy and he was calling out to me, I immediately leapt up from the ground and began my journey through the woods to find him.

When I stumbled upon the two, the blonde-haired boy with clear doe brown eyes was kneeling next to the darker-haired boy with eyes- so cold and distant it was dispiriting. He was tied up to the trunk of an oak tree, his limbs tangled up by thorny brambles and contorting hungry vines.

‘I can’t do it, I can’t save him anymore!’ The other little boy yelped as he reached out his hand to hold the other, but it ran right through him as though he wasn’t really there. He appeared almost ghastly and glass-like.

‘But why me?’ I asked because I was curious, why did it have to be me?

‘Because you’re the only one who can.’ He said and I began to try and untangle the thorns at the little boys’ feet but as I did they began to bloody my hands wrap around me instead.

Because that’s what pain does, it desperately needs someone to cling to and in taking away his I was hurting myself. But I’d do anything to help him because the blonde boy was right, only I could do it. And even after I’d managed to spare him from the pain and he was free, he still ran to the other boy instead of thinking twice about me.

He wrapped his arms around the blonde boy but as he did so he evaporated into nothingness and the dark-haired boy was left empty-handed while I was held down by thorns, suffering to take away his pain.

The next day was the first day back in school for us and teachers were already piling homework on our desks that were due in such little time. I was going to make sure I did all of my work the exact day it was assigned to me so I didn’t find myself worrying about anything. But as I was making my way over to my next class which was maths I noticed that Fabian was making his way over to me, he wore a dark hoodie that covered most of his face.

‘What do you want?’ I asked folding my arms, ‘And make it quick I have to get to class,

‘I’m sorry Armani, I really am.’ He apologised and I remained silent, just as he did when I confronted him,

‘And so is that it?’ I asked and he sighed and took off his hoodie and I could see the purple bruise on his right eye.

‘Believe me when I say I suffered dearly for the consequences of my lapse in judgement.’ He added,

‘What happened?’ I asked but a part of me felt like I already knew the answer,

‘Kennedy happened, when I told him he— well you can see what he did.’ Fabian said matter of factly, ‘And I’m not here to play the victim, I’m here to apologise.’

Just then Merilla appeared and wrapped her arms around me like she hadn’t seen me in years. It was nice to know that I mattered and that I was actually missed those few days I was gone.

‘I missed you, babe!’ Mer cheered, ‘There’s so much to catch you up on, and woah— what happened to you Fabes?’

‘River kicked his ass because he didn’t warn us like he was supposed to that my incredibly strict and judgmental mother was in my dorm room waiting.’ I clarified and Mer cringed at the bruise that nearly had Fabian’s eye closed shut,

‘I can’t defend you anymore, you got what was coming to you,’ Mer added with a laugh and he looked down shamefully,

I thought about it for a minute, if it was worth forgiving him for all this, but then I remembered that if I screwed up I’d want to be forgiven. And it was for that reason, and how much I missed our friendship that I decided to say;

‘I forgive you.’ And I did, because that’s what friends do…right?

‘Good I just want things to go back to the way they were before everything.’ Fabian babbled but I stopped him, because I knew this was coming,

‘Things can’t go back to the way they were Fabes, I’m with River now and I have to know that you’re going to be okay with that?’ I queried and his expression shifted in an almost eerie way,

‘Of course, I am, sorry for being such a dick again. I never meant to hurt you.’ He smiled and I smiled back,

‘It’s okay, we’re okay,’ I assured him and he wrapped me in a hug that lasted oddly longer than I expected.

After class I decided to go over to Victoria’s and hang out with her for a little bit, my friendship with Victoria King was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. She made me feel seen and heard and she never judged me and kept me on my feet all the time. I never would’ve thought that she and I would ever get along let alone be friends. To be honest we were polar opposites.

But as we were seated there in her kitchen as she baked chocolate chip cookies and we sipped vodka martinis it was better than any thousand-dollar vacation.

‘So let me get this straight, you expect me to believe that you and him this entire time have never had sex?’ Victoria asked mixing the cookie batter in a bowl and tasting it,

‘Yes, exactly that.’ I clarified,

‘Bullshit.’ She called blowing a strand of loose hair from her face and began to place the cookies on a baking sheet,

‘I’m telling you the truth, it just hasn’t happened yet and I’m not even his girlfriend,’ I explained taking one long sip from my glass,

‘Do you want it with him?’ Tori asked, pausing her actions, was that even a question?

‘Of course I do!’ I admitted, and she grinned at my enthusiasm, ‘It just hasn’t happened yet.’

‘On second thought, I’d tell you to just fuck him but I think you should wait until he actually calls you his girlfriend.’ She explained and I knew she was right, damn it she was always right.

‘Yeah, plus we can do other things right…’ I mumbled and she laughed,

‘Oh?’ She gasped, ‘Do tell little bird, did you let him work his way into your nest?’

“That’s not a very PG13 euphemism.” I reminded her.

“Since when were things between us family-friendly?”

‘But I don’t kiss and tell.’ I teased,

‘I just pictured that and I don’t regret it,’ Victoria admitted placing the tray into the oven,

‘Neither did I,’ I added and it was clear the alcohol was starting to get to me if I was discussing my very inexperienced sex life.

‘He’s French and he’s a sculptor. Did you really expect anything less than a gift from the gods?’ Victoria illuminated, and she was right.

‘I think we’re just going to take things slow,’ I concluded,

‘Whatever you say, just don’t call me up at five in the morning asking where in all of Paris one gets a plan B pill.’ She joked— I hoped.