Chasing River

Collateral Damage

People at war with themselves will always cause collateral damage in the lives of those around them.’

– JOHN MARK GREEN

BY THE TIME opened my eyes I was still asleep in River’s car, we were parked on campus and the heating in the car was all the way up. I couldn’t help but wonder how long I had been out? I turned to look at River, who was looking at me with tired eyes as I rubbed the sleep out of my own.

‘Oh, I’m sorry, how long have I been asleep?’ I asked sitting up,

‘Only fifteen minutes.’ He told me, he looked pretty exhausted too, but he let me sleep in his car, why?

‘Why didn’t you wake me when we arrived?’ I asked out of curiosity,

‘You looked tired, I figured I’d let you get some rest.’ He admitted and I was immediately taken aback, he let me rest for nearly twenty minutes in his parked car when he simply could’ve just woken me up and been on his way back home, he was clearly just as tired as I was if not more.

‘That’s…’I began struggling to find the words, ‘Really nice of you, you didn’t have to do that.’

‘Of course, I didn’t.’ He replied turning down the heat,

‘But you did.’ I realised,

‘I did.’ He confirmed and a sleepy smile played on my lips, I grabbed my purse just as I opened the car door and the foreign cold breeze hit my skin.

‘Well then, goodnight River, and congratulations on winning, you really did deserve it,’ I assured him.

And then we just stared at each other and as his pretty blue eyes focused on my browns, I knew not to expect him to kiss me goodnight. I knew not to expect him to offer to walk me back to my dorm and linger a little longer and make silly small talk because we couldn’t bear to say goodbye. I knew not to, Because this wasn’t a normal date with any normal guy, this wasn’t anything really. I knew not to expect it, but I wanted it, I wanted to him to kiss me I really fucking did.

‘Goodnight.’ He simply said before starting up the engine, I was disappointed, but I couldn’t let it show.

I stepped out and shut the car door and watched as he reversed out of the parking space and drove off campus and into the night. I checked my phone and it was a quarter to midnight and I was all alone again. I made my way back to my dorm room where Keomi was pacing around in her nightclothes. She greeted me with surprise and relief when I walked through the door.

‘Armani!’ She sighed letting out an exhausted breath, ‘Where the hell have you been I was worried sick?’

‘Oh I was at River’s and then we went for dinner, I guess I lost track of time. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to worry you.’ I apologised, I found myself doing a lot of that lately.

‘I left you thousands of texts, Paris isn’t exactly the safest place on earth.’ She scolded and I checked my phone and indeed I had twelve unread messages and five missed calls from Keomi. ‘Did you at least have a good time?’ She asked lightening the mood,

‘I think I did yeah.’ I authenticated, ‘About the competition–‘

‘I heard, I’m so sorry you lost that must’ve hurt, but remember there are always more opportunities and chances to improve and claim your victory.’ She emphasised with an encouraging smile and cheesy thumbs up,

‘Yeah, it hit me pretty hard,’ I admitted and she offered me a hug and I took it, wrapping my arms around her.

‘So what’s been going on between you two, you’ve been hanging out a lot lately?’ She asked and I wanted to tell her just as I did with Mer, I really did. But how could I explain a relationship I’m not even sure really exists?

Sometimes I felt like the connection I had with him was all in my head, like I’d made it up because of how I felt for him, maybe my efforts and feelings were unrequited. And so that is the only reason that I said,

‘Nothing really, I guess we’re just friends,’ I told her, and I could tell she was struggling to believe me,

‘Whatever you say, you can talk to me when you’re ready.’ She assured me just as I’d offered her the same courtesy when we first met.

‘What did I do to deserve you?’ I asked and she got a cocky smile on her face,

‘Nothing, maybe I’m your Guardian Angel.’ She joked and turned on Skins on her laptop for us to watch since we’d basically watched every episode of Friends at that point. Eventually, the screen faded into the darkness and we fell fast asleep.

Fabian And I were in English when he tapped me on the shoulder and tossed a crumpled-up note onto my desk. I was hesitant to open it up right this moment because our English teacher had eyes at the back of her head and we could never get anything past her. But I took my chances and opened it up anyways.

They’re showing Amélie at the cinema tonight, wanna go downtown and watch it with me?

-A very hopeful Fabian 

I smiled at the gesture but I had already offered to study with River that night and I couldn’t back out of it, plus I was sure this wasn’t just a friendly encounter, I knew better than to go along with it knowing it would mean way more to him than it did to me. So I did what I thought was best and let him down easily. I turned over the piece of paper and wrote on the other side before tossing it back at him.

I’m sorry Fabes but I can’t make it, maybe another time?

As he read my words his expression changed to disappointment and I mouthed I’m sorry once more but he just said it was okay and shrugged it off.

Our Teacher assigned us a thousand-word essay on the importance of grammar and punctuation, literally the most boring topic on the planet and sometimes I thought that she simply hated her job and her students.

After class we all decided to go to lunch together at Le Deux Magots and when I say all I mean all because it took an incredible amount of convincing to get River to tag along too. Plus we were supposed to be going to the library after to study for our final test tomorrow which was Halloween and it sucked to have to take a trigonometry exam on Halloween. I knew it wasn’t particularly celebrated in France but apparently, there were many things to do in Paris to get your yearly dose of spooky on.

Geneviève was seated at the right end of the table and River on the left end, I was seated next to Fabianon on one end and Keomi and Mer on the other. I glanced towards River, reminiscing the last time we were here, I felt for the scar on my palm that was almost completely gone from the knife. River seemed oddly distracted and somewhere far away even though he was right here and out with us. Just then everyone’s phones went off and I initially thought it was an email from the school until I checked my own and it was an invitation.

‘No fucking way!’ Mer gushed and it was clear that everyone was surprised and excited, ‘How the hell did we get invited to Victoria’s Halloween party?’

‘Why is it such a big deal?’ I asked genuinely confused,

‘Armani, only the most exclusive people on campus get invited and we’ve never been invited until…now!’ Keomi explained and I was still utterly confused,

‘It’s probably because she’s finally taken a liking to me.’ Gene claimed, ‘I should send my regards to her.’

‘Wait a minute, aren’t you and Victoria like friends?’ Fabian asked me and I realised, I proceeded to check my texts.

TORI: I hope you can make it, you can tell your buzzard friend Geneviève that she can stop pestering me now. Oh and keep her on a leash while you’re here xx

ME: Thanks for inviting us, no promises on the leash thing!

TORI: Try an electric collar

ME: WHAT.

‘I guess I am…’ I realised and Keomi squealed giddily,

‘Who knew being roomies and friends with you would be the best thing to happen all year.’ Keomi sighed,

‘That doesn’t sound right,’ Gene mumbled and I rolled my eyes at her.

‘I literally have nothing to wear.’ I complained as the realisation hit me, ‘and no money to buy anything because I spent my allowance ordering useless shit on Amazon.’

‘There’s always a solution in Paris.’ Fabian assured me, ‘There are so many costume thrift stores on every corner, I’m sure you’ll find something.’

‘Or she could dress up as herself.’ Gene added, ‘A sore loser; that’s sure to scare everyone.’

‘Yeah, and when exactly do you plan to take yours off?’ I fired back and she smiled devilishly,

I turned to River who’s been sketching something on a napkin which I’d realised he only ever did when there was something on his mind, he will literally draw on any surface. Once I caught him drawing on the side of his pair of Converse like it was a canvas.

‘Will you be going?’ I asked but it was almost like he didn’t hear me so I slipped my hand under the table to hold his but he tensed under my touch,

‘I don’t know,’ he said and he pulled his hand away from me, ‘Don’t.’

‘Why?’ I asked at his sudden distance,

‘Not here.’ He declared assertively,

‘Then where, because it seems like everywhere there’s something holding you back from me.’ I challenged and he lowered his eyes,

‘I don’t like the way I feel when I’m around you, when you look at me like that and when you touch me. It’s like I’m slowly forgetting everything I swore I never would.’ He acknowledged and I felt like he just rubbed salt on an open wound,

‘I wish you would all stop speaking in some code I don’t fucking understand, I wish you would stop acting like it’s only me who feels this between us. You’re…you’re-‘ I argued beneath my breath so no one else could hear what we were talking about,

‘Yours?’ He spoke, ‘I’m not yours Armani, I’m not anything right now, we’re not anything and we can’t be anything.’

‘Then why keep leading me on this entire time, why act like you care one day and act like I’m nothing to you the next?’ I confronted and I was angry, I deserved to be angry,

‘I never lead you on, I let you know from the very beginning that I can’t be who you need me to be for you, I can’t give you all the things you want.’ He argued defensively,

‘River, you’ve never even asked me what I want.’ I sneered, ‘It’s been about you this entire time and I’m tired of running around in circles with you because I’m the one who always gets hurt and left behind.’

And then there was a beat of silence and I hoped that that was because he realised that I was right.

‘I won’t be left behind this time, I won’t be your collateral damage.’ I expressed.

I laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation and I laughed because I was hurt and if I didn’t laugh I would cry and I was so fucking done doing that. So I turned to Fabian and placed my hand on his the exact same way I did River’s and made sure River watched.

‘Fabian I’m actually free tonight, we should go watch that movie.’ I smiled and Fabian’s eyes lit up at my statement,

I had no reason, no reason to turn him down anymore.

River narrowed his eyes at me in anger and frustration and I could see him digging his nails into the palms of his hand, that terrible habit I noticed he caved into when he got frustrated. I wanted to tell him to stop but I was mad at him and I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. So I simply looked away and returned my gaze to Fabian who was already looking up movie time showings at the downtown cinema.

‘Are you okay, you seem kind of on edge?’ Fabian asked running a hand through his loose curls,

‘I’m okay, just stressed about exams.’ I lied and he believed me,

‘Well, hopefully, tonight will give you the opportunity to let loose and forget about school for a little while.’ He proposed playfully nudging my shoulder.

Maybe it was wrong to only be going out with Fabian because River had rejected me yet again, maybe a part of me felt like I was using him and that he didn’t deserve it, that he didn’t deserve to have me play with his emotions. But I would’ve accompanied him regardless if I hadn’t made other plans and all sense had left me in this compelling orchestra of cruel intentions I was playing with River Kennedy. Sometimes I felt like he was brought into my life to turn everything upside down. To make me doubt and forget everything I thought I knew.

Once Keomi, Gene and Mer had left to go shopping for their costumes I knew it would be awkward so I decided to leave with Fabian. River didn’t try to stop me and apologise, he just watched emotionless as Fabian opened the taxi door for me and I disappeared down the road. Fabian and I talked about anything and everything at a thousand miles per hour, conversations were so effortless with him and I didn’t realise when we’d arrived at the Cinema.

It had an archaic style to it, like something straight out of the 1950s and it made me want to go back in time and experience it when the idea of film was still fresh in people’s minds.

Fabian and I made it to the front desk and paid for our tickets. The ticket sales lady was a tired-looking brunette with dark circles beneath her age-old rusty amber eyes.

‘Merci, thank you for visiting and enjoy the film.’ She said in a monotonous voice as though she simply had to show this little enthusiasm off script.

‘What snacks do you want?’ Fabian asked looking through the glass at the selection of chocolate and candy,

‘I’ll have the sour gummy bears please,’ I told him and he picked them out for me before we made our way into the theatre. I was whispering because I didn’t want to interrupt the other moviegoers.

But to our surprise, we were the only people in the entire theatre room. Fabian had mentioned earlier that the Downtown theatre wasn’t popular these days and didn’t get many attendees. Some part of me when I looked at Fabian who didn’t seem to mind that we’d be all alone knew that he’d intended for it to be this way.

‘This is…odd,’ I commented on the awkwardness of the situation,

‘Not really.’ Fabian shrugged, ‘I guess it’s just you and me, that’s not so bad right?’

I paused for a second not knowing exactly what to say but also not wanting to disappoint him again.

‘Not bad at all.’ I smiled amiably.

We took a seat directly in the front row and watched the movie credits begin to roll in, I wondered why in French films the credits always come in at the very beginning. I remembered watching Amelie for the first time in school and having my entire eighth-grade French class freak out about all the raunchy scenes. Watching it then as an adult, no longer bearing the curiosities of a thirteen-year-old It wasn’t as fascinating.

And I turned my gaze to Fabian who was looking awfully casual and nonchalant at the scene in front of us. He didn’t react, he didn’t flush uncontrollably like the boys from eighth grade nor was he mesmerised like I once was.

‘I can’t imagine how uncomfortable this must’ve been to film.’ I disclosed and Fabian’s eyes gleamed with amusement,

‘This is France if you want to make it as a film actor you’ve got to be prepared to shed a few layers,’ Fabian told me and I was taken back,

‘What?’ I asked, wondering if I heard his statement correctly,

‘Hear me out, nudity in France is not something portrayed as inherently sexual Armani, nude art is about appreciating the human body in its purest and most natural form, it’s about the kind of vulnerability one can only portray through it.’ Fabian explained to me, ‘it’s different from American film.’

‘I see…’ I replied and the look on his face suggested he wanted to say something else,

‘My mom was an actress and a lot of her films had a fair amount of nudity, she’d let me watch them when I was younger but scolded me for watching them when I got older because according to her le jeune esprit est pur de choses que le plus âgé n’est pas.’ The young are pure of things that the older is not,

‘Your mom sounds wise,’ I told him,

‘Sometimes it’s almost like she wishes I was never born.’ Fabian blurted out, ‘Shit I’m sorry I didn’t mean for that to sound so dark.’

‘No no, it’s okay you can talk to me,’ I assured him, and now the movie faded into the background.

‘Don’t get me wrong, ma maman m’aime (my mom loves me) but a part of me knows she loved her career more. And I think she misses it; the red carpets, the spotlight, and being hounded by the paparazzi. She’ll never admit it of course but I’ve known this for a while.’ He explained and my heart ached at his words,

‘I’ve never had the best relationship with my mom either, and people are always focused on the stigma surrounding strained relationships with fathers and their children but seem to neglect that the most damage is done by the ones who we’re told are supposed to love us no matter what, the ones we’re told loved us at first sight, the ones who brought us into this world, our mothers.’ I sighed sinking into the seat,

‘Armani, I don’t want to bore you with my problems, today was supposed to be a fun escape, remember?’ Fabian said changing the topic,

‘You’re not boring me Fabes, you never bore me,’ I assured him.

And then there was this beat of empty silence before an idea strung into my mind.

“I think that this can happen because a lot of women are told that they have to love their children no matter what, from the time they’re young they’re told that there exists this promised connection she’s supposed to immediately feel towards her child. And when that doesn’t happen, it can really affect both the mother and her child.” Fabian explicated, “We talked about this in my psychology class.”

‘I have an idea, wait here for me,’ I told him and he looked at me like I was crazy,

‘Where’re you going?’ He asked, ‘You’re not abandoning me are you Nnandi?’

‘Of course not, I’m not a total asshole, but I will be leaving momentarily just give me a second, no questions asked,’ I promised before getting out of my seat and making my way to the front desk again.

I was met with the same weary-looking brunette who was sweeping the floor with earphones in and I tried my best to get her attention.

‘Excusez moi.’ I called but she kept on cleaning and couldn’t hear me, ‘Excusez moi!’

She finally heard my call and stopped the music playing in her ears and sighed heavily as though I were interrupting her. I still have no idea why the French seem to not like foreigners so much, then again if I were French I’d hate us too.

‘How can I help you?’ She groaned looking at the time on her watch, ‘it’s almost my break.’

‘Sorry to interrupt I- uh I was just wondering if you had any old movies in the back starring Camille Lyon?’ I asked and she gave me a condescending glare holding out her hand,

‘Maybe, maybe not, perhaps there’s something you can do to, comment dites-vous les Américains? Jog my memory.’ She contemplated and I knew exactly what she was referring to, I dug in my purse and handed her 20 euros which she gracefully accepted. It was probably more than she expected but she looked like she was struggling, I knew what it was like to struggle.

‘Merci mademoiselle, I’ll see what I can do.’ She thanked me with a wink.

I made my way back into the Cinema with Fabian waiting for me, I took my seat next to him and he gestured to the now empty packet of sour gummy bears.

‘Didn’t anyone ever tell you it’s rude to keep a lady waiting?’ He joked and I shoved his shoulder playfully,

‘Still doesn’t give you the right to rob me of my candy,’ I replied just as the screen flickered and the movie begun to change.

‘What’s going on?’ Fabian muttered just as the new film title appeared on the screen.

THE DAME WHO SAVED ME

Fabian almost immediately recognized the film and his eyes lit up with nothing but the purest happiness, his keen amber eyes focused on the screen and I didn’t think I’d ever seen someone so excited to watch a movie in my life.

Camille looked not that different than she did when I’d met her, except that her eyes held a little more youth and her figure was slimmer and more well-rounded, her full rose-tinted lips were rouged along with her prominent Cupid’s bow and were her signature style. She spoke in an enthralling manner that demanded her audience’s attention. She had a fire in her that couldn’t be extinguished, not by age and not by time.

A fire I’d only seen in one other person, I turned to him and he was speechless after her performance.

‘Armani you- I don’t know how I can possibly thank you.’ Fabian said, ‘What you did, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.’

‘Don’t thank me, what’re friends for?’ I reminded him, Fabian paused.

‘What year was this movie shot?’ Fabian asked just as the credits rolled in and the year 1991 appeared on the screen.

‘She was pregnant when this was shot, I was born a few months later, this must’ve been her last movie.’ Fabian realized, ‘I was the end of everything she loved.’

‘No Fabian, you were the beginning of her love.’