By a Thread: A Grumpy Boss Romantic Comedy

Maleficent,

Now that I know your feelings regarding Game of Thrones, let’s move on. Why are you working so many jobs? Is the pay here really that bad?

Charming

Charming,

I wouldn’t know. I’m still a week out from my first paycheck. What did you want to be when you grew up? Or are you living your dreams as a vest-wearing fashion mogul?

Maleficent

Maleficent,

This was not my dream. In the spirit of honesty, this is closer to a nightmare. When I was nine, I wanted to be a math teacher. How many jobs do you have?

Charming

Prince of Nightmares,

I am the current holder downer of four jobs. Five if you count freelance graphic design, which is feast or famine—mostly famine. Bar shifts, a sporadic catering gig, dance instructor, and my illustrious career as a jill of all trades at Label.

I need to know more about this math teacher dream job.

For now, let’s put the “why I need 700 jobs” in the Don’t Talk About Column.

Former Princess of Pizzas

Pizza Princess,

The mystery of why Ally Morales needs 700 jobs is annoying me.

I had a nice math teacher. His name was Mr. Meloy. He helped me with my homework after school sometimes. He loved math, and he loved teaching kids to love math. I thought being a math teacher would be cool.

What did you want to be when you grew up? I’m guessing pizza server wasn’t high on the list.

Nerd Unveiled

Dear Nerd,

This isn’t working. I’m imagining cute little Dominic looking up to his teacher with those baby blues asking for help.

Tell me the top five things you hate STAT. (This is the secret to finding out just how bad a person is in case you need it for interviewing future wives or human sacrifices.)

I wanted to be a dancer from the time I was three on. I realized early on that I didn’t want a ballet career (hello, carbs and alcohol and sleeping in), but I also loved design and art. So I decided to do all of it.

Now hurry up and disgust me.

Rapidly Thawing Iceberg

P.S. Why was Mr. Meloy helping you with your homework and not your parents?

Dearest Climate Change,

So you’re saying you knew what you wanted to do since you were a kid, and then you went out and did it? That’s… unusual. Are you always so tenacious? Did you ever consider other lines of work?

If we can’t talk about why you need 700 jobs, we will also not be discussing my parents.

Things I Hate:

1. People who litter

2. The rumor mill

3. Getting shit on by birds

4. Not being able to stop thinking about you

5. My father

I’m not asking you what you hate because you’re annoyingly hate-less.

Hateful Boss

Boss,

Well, hell. That list wasn’t hateful. Not even a little. And this experiment is not working. You’re supposed to hate things like puppies and children with cute lisps, and then I’m supposed to finally be able to stop fantasizing about you naked.

I’m not tenacious. More like obnoxiously positive that things will go my way.

Pollyanna

Allyanna,

If I’m not hateful, then why is every woman at work terrified of me?

Hall Stalking Monster

Monster,

You’re not actually serious, are you?

Incredulous

Deadly.

Dom

Dominic Russo,

You big, dumb lug of tattooed grumpiness. Have you really spent your entire year there thinking they hate you? You’re playing with me right now, aren’t you?

There’s no way you can be so arrogant when you have me snuggled up against a conference table and then wander the halls of Label like a sad puppy because you assume everyone dislikes you.

Annoyed Ally

Annoyed Ally,

What the fuck are you blabbering on about?

Adding to my list. 6. People who never get to the point.

Also, are you obsessed with dogs?

Irritated Boss

Mr. Hot Bod Sexy Face,

The women of Label don’t hate you. They’re lusting after you. You’re scary hot. Like “don’t look directly in the eye hot.”

Baffled by You

Baffled,

That’s not what is going on. They look at me and see a carbon copy of my father.

Dominic

Dom,

First of all, I want points for being respectful of your Do Not Discuss topic even though I really want to dig into why you’d assume that people see you and your father as one and the same. Lots of points!

That is absolutely the exact opposite of what everyone in that building is thinking. They rate your scary hotness on a scale of 1 to 10, and you’ve never been below a 13. They swoon down glass doors when you walk past them in the halls.

You held the door for Nina in advertising last week, and she got a standing ovation. I’m not making this up.

Ally

Ally,

This is stupid. I don’t like getting to know you.

Dom

Dom,

Back at you. Let’s go back to ignoring each other.

Ally