Bridesmaid for Hire

“YOU CAN LET GO OF THE ICE,” I say through clenched teeth.

“It hasn’t been twenty minutes—we should really ice it for the full time,” Maggie says as she sits next to me on the beach, on a towel courtesy of the hotel staff, holding a bag of ice to my dick and balls, the cold shriveling up my cock into a pinto bean.

Today was a disaster. I don’t think it could have gone any worse.

I was humiliated.

Pantsed.

Blasted in the crotch…twice.

And I threw up in the sand, only to have Reginald watch me handle my pain like the weak peon I am.

Hardy and Hudson, of course, patted me on the back and told me they probably would have thrown up if they were hit with a zinger like that as well. Seems like Maggie doesn’t have the arm she boasted about, but she sure as hell had a pent-up fastball, waiting to unleash on me.

Hell, I can’t even think about it because I might throw up again.

I’ve never tasted my testicles before, but when that ball hit my nuts, I felt them travel all the way up my throat. The pain was ungodly, and I knew within seconds, I was going to lose all the contents of my stomach.

Jesus, so embarrassing.

“You did score that one time, you know,” Maggie says, obviously trying to make light of the situation as the rest of the group enjoys a nice lunch spread on the beach. We were brought food, but I couldn’t even look at it. Maggie though, while holding the ice to my crotch, annihilated an egg salad sandwich and described the flavors to me in such vivid detail that it was the first time I actually thought about kicking dirt into a person’s eyeballs.

I’m ashamed to say it, but fuck, the last thing I want is for her to be near me.

“Can you please stop talking?”

“Are you really that angry?” she asks, completely oblivious.

“Yes,” I hiss, keeping it down because we’re still surrounded by wedding guests. “Jesus, Maggie, I know you were around for that disaster, because you were the main reason everything happened to me. You can’t tell me that went well.”

“It wasn’t your best showing, but I thought it was endearing, you know? Kind of like, look, this guy can take a blow to the pee-pee and still be okay.”

My face falls flat as I look at her. “No one takes a blow to the…pee-pee”—she smirks at my use of her stupid word—“and is okay afterward. This is damaging.”

“Like…how damaging? Gary was once walking on a balance beam, slipped and fell right on his manhood. I’ve never seen anyone go from happy-go-lucky to a catatonic state in the matter of milliseconds. He rolled off the balance beam, stiff as a board, and fell to the floor where he stayed for a solid ten minutes. Later, I heard that he was bruised up and down his legs and his nuts were swollen.” She glances at where the ice is. “Do you think your nuts are swollen?”

“Why?” I deadpan. “Hoping for more cushion tonight?”

That makes her eyes narrow. “And that is why I don’t feel that bad for you, because you’re a dick.” She shakes her head and whispers, “You know, for a second there, a small freaking second, I thought that we could get along, but I was so wrong.”

“I was trying to get along with you, hence the apology this morning, but you couldn’t act like a grown-up and accept it.”

“Because you said I was disgusting.”

“I did not say that,” I shoot back. “When did I say you were disgusting? If anything, I’ve complimented more than dissed you since you inserted yourself into my life.”

“Oh, you called me disgusting, I could see it in your—”

“Hey, how are you guys doing?” Haisley asks as she moves in front of us.

Maggie immediately goes from scornful wench to jubilant sprite in a matter of seconds as she smiles up at Haisley. “Someone is a little sore.” Maggie tilts her head in my direction. “But I think with some gentle nursing, he’ll be on the mend soon.”

“Good. Jude said he was having secondhand phantom pains for you. He’s never seen anyone take a ball that hard, that close to the crotch before.”

Maggie rotates her throwing arm. “I do have a cannon here, should come with a warning.”

Jesus.

Christ.

“I’ll be okay,” I say. “I was actually going to go soak in our bungalow for a bit.”

“Want me to get Jude to help you back to your place?” Haisley asks.

“Nah, I’ll be good,” I say as I slowly lift up to standing.

Mother.

Fucker.

The pain between my legs is so excruciating that I want to go back to the bungalow just to make sure everything is still attached and nothing…detached during the festivities today.

“Well, do you mind if I borrow Maggie? I actually need some help with some seating arrangements, and it doesn’t seem like the planner…or my mother are understanding what I’m trying to accomplish. I thought a fresh pair of eyes might be able to help.”

Maggie springs to her feet, like a soldier ready for roll call. “I would love to help. Seating charts are my specialty. Show me the way.”

“Thank you.” Haisley glances at me, looking concerned, when I don’t fully straighten as I stand. Yup, there’s a slight bend to me, like an old man trying to waddle off to find the cane he left behind.

Hell, what I wouldn’t give for a cane right now.

“Do you want some help getting to your golf cart?” Haisley asks. “I can get one of the guys to give you a hand.”

That’s when Maggie realizes she’s supposed to be caring for me.

“Yes, I can help you if you want.”

I wave them both off. “I’m good. Probably going to stay in for the night, so do your thing, have fun. Great games today.” I wave with a pained smile before turning around and heading toward the golf carts.

Yeah, there is no way in hell I’m going to participate in any other festivities for the rest of the day. It’s a room service and plunge pool evening for me. Room service if I’m lucky enough to stomach something.

Slowly and steadily, I make my way to the golf carts, spot ours, and gently sit down, wincing when my balls hit the seat. They must be swollen. I’ll be shocked if they’re not.

I drive around and through the resort slowly, not wanting to hit too many bumps, and realize that the plank bridge is going to be a nightmare to cross, so might as well speed over the bumps rather than go at it slow.

Grinning and bearing it, I press the pedal and nearly scream as I make my way down the long bridge to our bungalow. Thankfully, it doesn’t take that long, and I’m out of the golf cart and in the bungalow in no time. I flop back on the bed, get rid of my boardshorts, and then sit up to examine myself.

I check out my penis first and it seems to be okay. When I glance at my balls, I don’t see any swelling or bruising, which means I’m probably internally bleeding and won’t make it through the night…great.

The last thing the Hoppers will remember about me is how I puked in the sand while holding my dick.

Perfect.

Maybe they’ll take pity on me and say yes to my proposal after I’ve perished, you know, in honor of me.

My gravestone will say, here lies Brody Ryan McFadden. Cause of death: ball to dick. Lasting memory: throwing up in sand. He lives on through his boutique proposal. RIP.

At least I’ll have a lasting legacy.

I lift from the bed and instead of putting my boardshorts back on, I decide to just grab a towel and head over to the plunge pool. Luckily for me, it’s heated, so it’ll be the perfect thing to soak in.

With my phone in one hand, towel and a water from the mini fridge in the other, I walk over to the plunge pool completely naked and sink into the water.

Yup, this is exactly what I need. I roll the towel and rest it near the edge of the pool so I can lay my head on it as I sink deeper into the water.

Next, I pick up my phone and I dial Jaleesa’s number before putting it on speaker and resting it next to me on the wooden deck of the pool.

It rings a few times, but then she picks up.

“Are you calling me with good news?” she asks.

I fucking wish.

“No,” I answer. “I actually don’t even know where to start.”

“Uh-oh,” she says. “Give me a second, let me get to my office.”

I hear her shuffle around and then a door clicks shut. “What’s going on?”

“Well, I got here and the first night, when I was headed to the welcome reception, my best friend’s little sister came up to me.”

“Wait, like she was there on her own?”

“Yeah, but apparently got wind that the Hopper wedding was happening and decided to insert herself into everything. Long story short, she is now one of Haisley’s bridesmaids, we’re in a fake relationship, and I’m currently sharing a bed with her, but nothing is happening—and I mean nothing.”

“Uh…what?” Yeah, what?

I can’t believe I just shared that with Jaleesa. I mean, we’re good friends, as good as a boss and employee can be, but honestly, who else would I share this with? Gary’s out, obviously. Mom and Dad would not understand at all—not that I do either. So, I guess my boss is getting the lowdown.

“I honestly don’t even know how we got here. It feels like a whirlwind, but it’s not boding well for me at the moment. I threw up in front of Reginald…right into the sandy beach.”

There’s silence and then…“You’re joking, right? This is a prank?”

“Jesus Christ, I wish that it was.” I drag my hand over my face. “It’s been a nightmare, Jaleesa. I’m not making a good impression. It feels like Reginald’s judging me every moment I even open my mouth. He seems like a nice guy, but he also has this RDJ-type sarcasm that makes you think he likes you when he’s really just fucking with you.”

“RDJ?”

“Robert Downey Jr. Keep up, Jaleesa.”

“Who calls him that?”

“All of his costars,” I say.

“Oh, I’m sorry, when did you become a part of the Marvel Universe?”

“Spare me the sarcasm,” I say. “I get enough of it from Maggie.”

“Is that her name? Maggie?”

“You mean the wench that chucked a ball at my nuts today? Yes, that’s her.”

Jaleesa busts out in laughter. “Did she really?”

“I’m really going to miss your sympathetic managerial skills,” I drawl.

She chuckles a little bit more. “I’m sorry, but that’s funny.”

“Glad you think so. My balls beg to differ. They’re currently soaking.”

“Getting a spa treatment after the beating they took?”

“Pretty much,” I answer. “And you know what’s really chapping my ass?”

“Please tell me.”

“Deanna sent me an email yesterday insinuating that the proposal is pretty much hers. She just needs to add a few more projections. She heard from Reginald’s assistant. I know Deanna has been getting close with her, so she’s probably getting all the inside information. And sure, I’m here at the wedding trying to convince Reginald I’m the one he should be working with, but I can’t find any sort of way to talk to him about work. I don’t want to be obvious about it, it’s his daughter’s wedding week, so I just stand there, looking like a goddamn moron while Maggie floats around like a magical fairy charming everyone.”

“Isn’t that good for you? I’d think if they like her, that would mean that they’d like you because you’re the one who brought her here.”

“You’d think,” I say. “But I don’t think it’s going to translate. They seem to keep their personal and business lives very separate.” I flick at a bubble in the water. “You would think that a billionaire family like this would talk shop at least a little bit, but nothing. It’s shocking.”

“Did you give Reginald the cigars? That’s a business moment you could have, smoking cigars.”

“I gave him two at the welcome party, after nearly dropping them on the floor. I was so caught off guard by seeing Maggie that I stumbled with them. Of course, she was charming when she introduced herself to Reginald. He immediately took a liking to her. Everyone has. Even Hardy and Hudson—I see the way they look at her.”

“Umm…are you jealous that they’re looking at her?”

“What?” I ask. “No.”

Jaleesa chuckles again. “It seems like you’re jealous. Do you like her, Brody?”

“No,” I say far too quickly. “She’s Gary’s little sister, and there’s nothing to like.”

Lies…so many lies but it feels good to be in denial. Makes me feel less exposed.

“Okay, because I’m thinking that all this irritation you’re feeling isn’t because of the Hoppers not talking business with you. You’re crushing on someone you can’t really have, so these little moments you get with her are collectively driving you nuts. Because you want it to be real. So real.”

“Where the hell did that come from?” I ask.

“It’s so obvious, Brody.”

“It’s really not. This has nothing to do with Maggie and everything to do with the fact that I can’t seem to insert myself and show them that I’m the one they want to work with. How can I even prove that if we don’t talk business?”

“You’re not supposed to convince them that your proposal is the best, you’re just supposed to make them like you. You’re supposed to show them how smart you are. What a good guy you are so when you do your presentation, they already have a general understanding of who you are, giving you that edge. I think you’ve lost track of that.”

I blow out a heavy sigh. “Christ, Jaleesa. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Would you say that you’re perhaps…distracted?”

“No,” I say, but I sound like a petulant child.

“Brody, come on.”

“Fine,” I say, exhausted. “Yes, there is a distraction. But it’s not like I’m just sitting here, staring at her. I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing, but she’s just…getting in the way.”

“Not sure what to tell you about that, but if they like her, stick to her like you’re a wart she can’t burn off.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“That’s what I need you to do. Don’t let Deanna win this. She doesn’t deserve it. Her idea isn’t original. Yours is and it has great promise. So…use Maggie to your advantage.”

I hate to admit it, but she’s right. I started this thing thinking that we were going to help each other out, but somehow, I’ve gotten off track.

“What do I do if I she drives me insane?”

“Fake it in front of the people that matter, hate her when you’re alone.”

Which is exactly what I’ve been doing, but what I think Jaleesa is suggesting is more about my attitude.

“You’re supposed to show them how smart you are. What a good guy you are so when you do your presentation, they already have a general understanding of who you are, giving you that edge. So…use Maggie to your advantage.” That means trying to ignore how much Maggie annoys—and, let’s be honest, arouses—me and focusing on the good will she’s secured just by being her. Use Maggie to my advantage. When in front of everyone else, that is.

“Yeah, you’re right.” I let out another sigh. “Thanks, Jaleesa. I appreciate it.”

“Call me anytime. We’re going to make this happen.”

When I hang up, I stare out toward the water and take a few deep, calming breaths. She’s right, I’ve been distracted. I’ve been thrown off the course I need to be taking. If Maggie is loved, then I need to glue myself to her and let the Hoppers know that I’m the reason she’s even here. They should be thanking me, not her.

Feeling a little settled, I pick up my phone and pull up my texts. One thing has been on my mind ever since Maggie said it. I shoot off a text to Gary and wait for his response.

Brody: Have you ever injured your balls so badly that they swelled?

Can’t let on that I know about his balance beam incident, because how would I have found that out without exposing the fact that I’m here in Bora-Bora with Maggie?

Gary: Dude. I took a balance beam to my junk once and had bruising all up and down my legs as well as the biggest balls ever to bounce on this earth. The size of my goddamn head. I had to wear a skirt the first night because my crotch wouldn’t fit into anything else. I still have that skirt to remind me of the tragedy I’ve suffered. But I came out on the other end strong.

He’s so fucking dramatic. One of the reasons I love him.

Brody: How come you never told me this?

Gary: Not a day a man particularly wants to relive.

Brody: True. Well, I just got nailed in the balls with a ball and threw up.

Gary: Oh Jesus. My testes just winced for you.

Brody: Currently soaking them. Oh, and did I mention, I’m on a work trip and puked in front of my boss?

Gary: My sympathies.

Brody: I knew you would understand.

Gary: Was it a lot of puke?

Brody: More than none.

Gary: Yeah, none is better than a little. How can I assist you in your time of need?

Brody: LOL. Send warm thoughts and well wishes.

Gary: Consider them sent. Other than the puking, how is the work trip?

I tread carefully in case he knows where his sister is. I don’t want to give too much information, which makes me feel slightly sick to my stomach. I don’t lie to Gary, ever, but not sure how he would take me pretending to be his sister’s boyfriend.

Brody: It’s going as best as it can go. Had some situations that were unbecoming, but I think I can make up for it.

Gary: If anyone can win the hearts of the higher-ups, it’s my man, Brody.

Brody: Your undying love for me is really giving me the energy I need.

Gary: That’s why I’m here.

The sun falls just past the horizon as I hear Maggie enter the bungalow.

I ordered a BLT and some fries for dinner, soaked in the plunge pool for longer than I probably should have, and now I’m enjoying the sunset, naked, on the lounger.

And in case you’re worried. I checked my penis and balls several times while I’ve been alone, and everything seems to be fine. Even checked to see if it was in working order and no problems there.

“Brody?” she calls.

“Out here,” I answer as I place my hand over my junk.

“What are you—oh my God, you’re naked,” she says as she turns away, covering her eyes.

“Great observation,” I say.

“Why are you naked?”

“Why not?” I ask.

“Uh, because I’m staying here too.”

“As if I care that you see me naked,” I say.

“You should.” She’s still shielding her eyes.

“Why?”

“Because…you don’t go showing your private parts to people. That’s perverted.”

“I’m not trying to show you my private parts. If I was, I’d pull my pants down in front of you and say, ‘Hey, Maggie, look at my penis.’ But did I do that? No, I didn’t. You walked in on me having some much-needed alone time.”

“What do you mean by alone time?” she asks as she lifts her hand and notices that I’m covering myself from her view.

“Oh, you know…played around with the vibrators you have in your nightstand.”

Her eyes widen. “You did not.”

I chuckle and shake my head.

“That’s…that’s private property. You shouldn’t be going in people’s drawers.”

“Chill out. I was looking for the room service menu. I was kind of stunned by your choices though. That dildo was pretty big.”

“Feeling inferior?” She asks, hands on her hips.

“Cute.” I nod as I stand from the lounger and stretch my hands above my head. She quickly turns away before she can get a full-on view of me. If she looked, she’d know I don’t feel the slightest bit inferior.

I walk over to my suitcase where I pull out a pair of my athletic shorts and slip them on.

When she joins me, she asks, “How is everything…feeling?”

“Better. Surprised you care.”

I see her eyes flash down to the bulge in my shorts and then back up to me. “Well, figured I should know since the Hoppers will probably ask me.”

She moves around to the bathroom where she starts taking down her hair.

“Seems like you’re really getting chummy with them,” I say as I sit on the bed and watch her.

Earlier today when she put on her spandex shorts, I thought they were a little short, but now that she’s worn them all day, they’re practically just underwear, they’ve ridden up so high. She has an amazing ass.

“It was nice to help out today.”

“I’m sure,” I say, studying her and the way she moves. It’s smooth, flawless, like every single thing she does has been perfectly practiced…besides the stiff-arm, obviously.

“If you want to know, they were all pretty concerned. Jude asked if he should check up on you. I told him you were probably sleeping it off. Good thing I didn’t send him over—he could have caught you fondling yourself.”

She washes her face and rinses it in the sink.

“There wasn’t much fondling,” I say.

She winces in the mirror. “Ooh, quick to the trigger? You know, a lot of men suffer from that, happens to the best of them.”

“I’m not quick to the trigger…usually.” I mutter that last word. Today though, just took a little bit of imagination and images of Maggie and I was good to go.

“Are you sure? I remember Gary saying that back in college—”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” I say. “Gary is full of shit if he told you anything about me in regards to sex. I was the one who was giving him lessons.”

“Wait…you and Gary did…things?”

“Fuck, no!” I say. “Christ, I’d never touch Gary, ever.” I swallow hard. “I think I threw up in my mouth a little just thinking about it.”

“Then what do you mean you gave him lessons?” she asks as she starts the twenty-step process of slathering products on her face before bed.

Granted, I don’t know if it’s actually twenty steps, but it feels like it.

“He’d ask questions and I’d answer them for him. He wasn’t as experienced as I was, so I helped him out. Frankly, I believe I’m the sole reason he landed Patricia.”

“Patricia should have you hanged then,” she says. Wow, what a sister. “She’s an angel and her only blemish is the fact that she’s married to my brother.”

I lean back on my hands, proud of myself. “It’s from what I taught him.”

“Ew,” Maggie says as she sprays something on her face. The scent wafts into the room and I memorize it, knowing that smell will always remind me of her. Like lavender or something flowery like that. “I don’t want you insinuating that Gary was able to score Patricia for life because of some sex trick you taught him.”

“Are you saying it’s his personality that did it? Because from where I’m sitting, it seems like you don’t believe that either.”

“I think it’s best if we just get off this topic.”

I watch her dot some cream under her eyes. She really does have beautiful skin—this is probably why.

“Why do you hate Gary so much? I think he’s a great guy.”

“I don’t hate him,” she says. “He’s just…I don’t know. Given our age difference, we didn’t have much to do with each other once he was in high school. He’s my big brother and sure, we get along, but we had two different lives growing up. We never really had a chance to bond and form a decent friendship.”

“It seems like you’re on good terms now,” I say. “He did attend your twenty-first birthday. And you’ve seen each other here and there.”

“Because he thought it would be funny to see me get drunk.” She uncaps her lotion and turns toward me. “He’s just Gary, is all. He’s named after my dad, I’ve heard him shoot snot rockets in the shower, and he’s the guy who thought it was funny to hang underwear from the ceiling fan and watch them fly off. He wasn’t into the things I was into, and that’s fine, because we were just different. He’ll always be my brother, and when he invites me over to his house, I’ll go because I like Patricia, but if I had to say we’re friends, I’d be lying.”

I slowly nod as she goes to her dresser and pulls out another lingerie set. We’ll see what this one entails. I can tell I’m going to like it already because it’s pink…

And this is exactly what Jaleesa was talking about, being distracted. Although, I think if she was in my position, she’d be distracted as well.

“What made you like Gary?” Maggie asks as she shuts the bathroom door behind her and gets changed.

“He was funny and stupid,” I say, raising my voice so she can still hear me through the door. “The kind of friend a college kid would be looking for. He didn’t care about consequences—he was just looking for a good time and so was I. We took school seriously, but we never took it too seriously. He liked the Rebels and with the popularity of the Bobbies, I felt like I was being seen.”

She opens the door to the bathroom, revealing a hot pink lingerie set that has a see-through bodice and forms to her waist. The shorts are lace as well and barely cover her ass. And she looks fine as fuck in it with her hair pulled up into a loose bun and her face all dewy from her skincare routine.

She might have pissed me off, embarrassed me, and unintentionally hurt me today, but Jesus, it doesn’t stop me from leering. From studying her beautiful curves and the way her body delicately moves around the room.

“God, your crap is all over this place. Ever heard of organization?” she asks as she toes my board shorts toward my corner of the room that she’s dedicated to me.

“I have heard of the term. Not interested though.”

“That’s obvious,” she says as she bends over right in front of me and pushes my suitcase closer to the corner.

Christ, look at that ass.

Call me a pervert all you want, but I’ve said it from the first moment I met this girl—she has sexy curves, and it’s hard to keep my eyes off them.

After pushing my stuff to the side, she takes a seat on the bed and starts taking her vitamins, so I stretch out under the covers and plug my phone in.

“Did you eat dinner?” I ask, trying to think of something to say so my mind gets off the way her ass looked in those shorts.

“Haisley and I grabbed a burger at the bar. She’s so cool. I think she would get along with my friend Hattie as well.”

Glad someone is having a good time with the Hoppers. If only I could make that connection with one of the guys. They probably think I’m an idiot at this point.

“Why, you worried I didn’t get anything to eat?” she asks.

“Worried about you? No. Worried about me? Yes. If you don’t eat dinner, I can only imagine the kind of damage you could do to my lap in the morning. Don’t need you ravenous.”

She rolls her eyes and applies her lotion before slipping under the covers. But I don’t let her get situated as I lift the blankets back and make room for her.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

I gesture to my lap. “Might as well start where you know you’re going to end up.”

Her nostrils flare and she flips to her side, offering me her back. “Fuck…off, Brody.”

“I’m trying to be helpful,” I protest.

“That’s not being helpful—that’s being a jerk.”

“And what do you call your helpfulness earlier today?”

She glances over her shoulder. “That was me being competitive. You just couldn’t keep up.”

“Wow, what’s it like being so delusional?”

“It’s fun, maybe you should try it. You wouldn’t be so uptight all the time.”

“I’m not uptight,” I counter. They probably think I’m an idiot.

Once she’s situated under the covers, she turns toward me and sits up on her elbow. “Brody, can I make a suggestion?” She waits for an answer, but I know it won’t matter what I say, so I nod. “I know you want to get to know Reginald better, but you were so tense today. You were so worried about your image and ego that you forgot to have fun. That’s what today was supposed to be. Fun. Instead, you were scowling the whole time.”

“Not the whole time,” I murmur.

“For the most part. And I don’t know why you were so worried about how people perceived you because I watched Hudson, the possible next CEO of Hopper Industries, thrust his groin into his brother’s face to pop a balloon. I don’t think anyone was worried about what the people looked like.”

I hate that she’s right.

Despise it, actually.

I’m older than she is, I should be wiser, smarter, teaching her what it’s like to be part of a business, and yet, here she is giving me a lesson.

“From the tight set in your jaw, I’m going to guess you know I’m right and you’re now wishing you’d handled things differently.”

“I do,” I say as I turn away from her. “I wish I was the one who was feeding you the whipped cream.”

“Are you even breathing?” Maggie asks as she sits across from me at our two-person table that overlooks the lagoon.

When we showed up for breakfast this morning, the hostess knew exactly who we were and said that Mr. Hopper wanted to make sure we had a good table. Well, they gave us the best and most romantic table, tucked into a corner with lots of privacy. The view is incredible, the sweet smell of the lilies surrounding us in planters envelop us in romance. And the tea lights between our plates—despite it being daytime are an oddly nice touch.

I pause as I’m about to grab another forkful of eggs and look up at her. This morning, I didn’t wake up to her face-first in my lap—instead, her shins were pressing against my neck. I was having a dream that I was snorkeling, and I thought I was drowning because I couldn’t breathe. Nope, it was just my bedmate trying to suffocate me with her legs.

“Yeah, I’m breathing. Are you actually concerned, since you tried to asphyxiate me this morning?”

“No,” she says, staring me down. “I’m just wondering why you haven’t lifted your head since your plate has been set in front of you. No one is going to steal your food. You can slow down.”

“I’m starving,” I say as I pop a piece of bacon in my mouth, the way she hates it.

“That much is obvious.” She cuts into her stack of pancakes.

I nod at her plate. “Are you going to eat all of those?”

She glances at her plate and then back up at me. “Probably not.”

“Great,” I say as I reach across the table with my fork and slice into the stack, pulling out a triangle of three pancake layers.

“Hey.” She pulls her plate closer. “At least let me tell you when you can have some.”

I shove all three triangles into my mouth and smile at her while I chew.

She shivers with disgust. “Where are your manners?”

“Currently unavailable,” I say just as Haisley walks up to our table.

“Good morning,” she says and places her hand on my shoulder. “How are you feeling, Brody?”

I wipe my mouth with my napkin and sit taller.

“Much better,” I answer. “My nurse really rubbed me back to health.” I wink at Maggie whose mouth parts open in shock from my randy comment.

Haisley chuckles. “So, she’s multitalented then. Because she really saved us last night with her seating chart skills.”

“That’s my girl,” I say as I pick up my coffee. “Great at everything. Especially the rubbing.”

“I would say we’re both very lucky,” Haisley says just as Jude walks up and places his hand on her back. “Not about the rubbing though. I’ll leave that to you two.”

“Smart,” I say. “Because I don’t share.”

Maggie kicks my shin under the table, but I’m barely fazed at this point. After the fastball to the dick yesterday, I heed no pain.

“Did you ask them?” Jude asks, politely changing the subject.

“Was just getting to that.” Haisley clasps her hands together. “So we’re taking a little hike today up to a sacred palapa where we’re going to participate in an ancient tititorea game. Mom and Dad are going, so are Hardy and Hudson and the twins, and we thought we’d offer you an invitation as well. But don’t feel pressured to join us. I know we’ve probably bogarted your time here on the island and if you want a break from us, it’s totally okay.”

Maggie glances at me, and I smile up at the happy couple. Yeah, we’re going. We’re so desperate to be liked by you that we will say yes to pretty much anything at this point. “We would love to join you. Just let us know when and where.”

“Perfect,” Haisley says. “Our tour guide is meeting us out front around ten-thirty. Lunch will be provided. He said to make sure to wear socks and shoes. They have quite a few snakes on the trail right now so, no open-toed shoes or anything like that.” I feel my entire face go white.

Because…snakes?

“Sounds great,” Maggie says. “We’ll see you then.”

Jude and Haisley clasp their hands together and take off toward a table that’s off to the right.

“We’re not going,” I say, setting my cloth napkin on the table. I’ve lost my appetite, thank you very much.

“What do you mean we’re not going?” she asks as she cuts into her pancakes. “You just told them we’d see them at ten-thirty.”

“Uh yeah, before the mention of snakes.”

She pauses with her fork halfway to her mouth and stares at me. “You can’t be serious.”

“Dead fucking serious,” I say. “I don’t do snakes, and I’m not about to go hike in the wilderness where I could be bitten.”

“Don’t you know the odds of that happening are slim to none?”

“Yeah, but there’s still a chance. Which is too high of a chance for me. Not happening.”

“You’re being ridiculous. This is the perfect opportunity to grow that relationship with the Hoppers. And what are you going to say? You can’t go because you’re afraid a snake might bite you? If you were ashamed of throwing up in front of them, bowing out of a hike because you’re afraid a snake might bite you is way worse.”

I lean forward and whisper, “You’re telling me you’re going to go risk your life just to be on a business mogul’s good side?”

“Risk my life?” She rolls her eyes dramatically. “Oh my God, Brody. Are you hearing yourself?”

“Yes, I am.” I jab the table in front of me. “Mark my words, I will not be going on that hike. No way. No how.”

“Do you have your water?” Maggie asks as she stands next to me in another pair of tiny spandex shorts and a matching sports bra.

I clench my water bottle to my chest as I stare at the dirt path in front of me. “Yes.”

“Hey,” Maggie quietly says. “Why don’t you look a little more terrified? I don’t think you’re getting the point across.”

“I’m going to need you not to talk to me anymore.”

She loops her arm through mine. “Sorry, but remember, we’re supposed to be madly in love.”

The only thing that’s stronger than our fake love right now is my waning confidence.

After breakfast, we went back to the bungalow where Maggie ranted for half an hour about how I need to grow up and stop being a baby, and even threatened to storm right up to the Hopper family and tell them that I’m not worth their time because I was too afraid of snakebites. It went on and on and on until I stood up from where I was lying on the bed and shouted I would go.

It was all very dramatic.

And because it was so dramatic, I was too proud to back down, even though right about now, I wish I had about zero pride. Because as I stare down the dark, dank path that leads to the island’s snake den—an overexaggeration, I’ll admit—I wish I was back at the bungalow in the comfort of the bed where I could hoist the covers up to my eyes and swear all images of snakes away from me.

Yes…I know I’m acting like a baby, but it’s my one fear.

My one phobia.

I never, ever want to see a snake in real life, especially out in nature where they like to camouflage themselves in the depths of the jungle, ready to strike when the time is right. This is what I think…we as humans should just leave them their territory and we can stay within the safety of our homes. That way they’re happy and I’m happy and no one is biting anyone.

“Ooh, I’m so excited,” Haisley says as she walks by us, Jude following closely behind, holding her hand.

One thing that I’ve noticed about Jude is how attached he is to Haisley. He’s possessive but not in a brutish way. He lets everyone know that Haisley is his and protects her at all costs. He’s a presence near her, carrying a “don’t fuck with her or me” attitude that can only stem from someone who has been through something in life.

The twins follow behind—their outfits matching Haisley’s—asking her questions about some sort of tossing sticks. Not quite sure what that is about, but I’m not going to worry about it because I have one job, and one job alone: to keep my eyes trained on the ground and focused on the trail. There will be no snakes crossing paths with me.

“You look pale,” Reginald says, coming up next to us.

I take that moment to straighten my posture and offer him a smile. “Too much sunscreen,” I say. “Guess I didn’t rub it all in.”

He studies me, clearly not buying it. “You aren’t afraid of the snakes, are you?”

How on fucking earth would he guess that? Does he have some sort of secret recording device hooked up to our bungalow? At this point, I wouldn’t put it past him.

“Snakes? Ha.” I wave him off even though the mere word gives me the shivers. “No way. Love those…slippery fellas. The more snakes, the better.” Universe, for the love of God, please don’t take that as a real request.

A smirk passes over Reginald’s lips as he slowly nods. “Well, glad to hear it. There have been at least ten found on the trail just this morning. So, this will be a great hike if you want to see the snakes.” Walking stick in hand, he jabs the ground and continues forward, Regina by his side.

When they’re out of earshot, I turn toward Maggie. “Did you hear that? At least ten snakes? Oh my fuck, I’m going to be bitten like that one guy.”

“What guy?” Maggie asks, humoring me.

“Uh, the one who was walking into this house and opened the storm door, only for a snake to be hanging from the top. That man was bald, and the snake bit him right on the top of the head. He ended up falling off the porch and into the planter, screaming he had been bitten.”

“Oh my God, I loved that video. I think I watched it five times in a row. I don’t think he was bitten, more like, patted on the head by the snake.”

“Snakes don’t pat bald heads,” I hiss at her. “They bite. And how the hell did Reginald happen to guess that I was pale because of a possible reptile attack today? Did you tell them I was afraid of snakes?”

“No,” she says, looking just as shocked as me. “I think you might just disgust me as much as the mold growing in between the tiles of a public restroom—but we signed a contract to not embarrass each other.”

Which she’s loosely adhered to, but we won’t get into that now.

“So you didn’t say anything?”

“No, I promise.”

“Might want a walking stick,” Hardy says as he passes us, Hudson behind him, both carrying spear-like sticks.

“They’re right,” I say as I watch them stab their sticks into the ground, a handy weapon for any curious snakes.

I glance around the bushes near us, not interested in sticking my hand beyond the leaves to find a walking stick. That’s when I see a fallen branch off to the right, near the van we took to get here.

“Ah ha.” I jog toward the branch and pick it up. Still full of leaves with several branches sticking in all different directions, I bring it over to Maggie.

“What the hell are you going to do with that?” Maggie asks. “Sweep the path clean?”

“Not a bad idea,” I say as I sweep it across the path like a metal detector searching for reptiles.

“You are not carrying that around with you—you look like an idiot.”

“Says the one that’s unarmed.” I turn toward her. “We’re going into battle, and we need something to thwack the snakes away.”

“You’re absurd.” She grabs my branch and snaps off a few of the limbs, leaving me with one crooked branch and leaves at the end of it. “There, at least that doesn’t make you look like you’ve lost your marbles. You need to pluck those leaves.”

“Fuck no,” I say. “Those are my janglers, an alert to the snakes that I’m coming.”

“Janglers?” She gives me an exhausted look. “Is that the technical term?”

“Yes,” I answer just as the guide comes up behind us.

“Are we ready?” He eyes my branch.

“Yup,” I say and give my weapon a little shake. “Ready to go.”

Either he considers me a genius or an absolute fool, but he doesn’t say anything as he charges forward, moving in front of everyone to lead the way.

“My name is Liko and I’ll be your guide today. I’m very pleased to be able to guide you to the palapa. I’d like us to stay together as a group, so if you’d like to stop for pictures, just let me know and we’ll pause. We’re looking at a little less than a mile hike to the palapa. We’ll be crossing a bridge with views of our grand falls. You may get a little wet, so be prepared for that. It should be a nice cooling mist during our trek. And of course, if you need anything at all, please ask me or my partner, Nakoa. He’ll be pulling up the rear.”

“Wonderful,” Reginald says, a bright smile on his face under his beige floppy hat. And I don’t know why, but in this moment, after the disaster that was yesterday and his comment about the snakes today…I have the overwhelming urge to flick his hat off his head.

Not the kind of urge I want to have toward a man I’m trying to impress. But here I am.

Liko takes off and I can hear him saying something to Reginald who is first behind him but can’t quite understand, which is fine. I don’t need the history of the trail—I just need to make sure nothing jumps out at me.

“This is pleasant,” Maggie says. “You, wielding a branch through a jungle, your nerves bouncing around and causing your shoulders to tense and your eyes to be wild. Never thought I’d be in this position, but I guess life is always surprising.” From the corner of my eye, I catch her snapping a picture of me. “For my own personal blackmail. I shall keep it close to my heart until I desperately need it.”

“You act as if I’m ashamed.” I shake my head, keeping my eyes trained straight ahead and ignoring the view around me. “I’ve never been prouder of myself than in this moment.”

“At least someone is proud of you,” she says as we continue moving forward.

The path is pretty clear, there are some overgrown plants occasionally, but for the most part, it’s relatively flat with the occasional rock sticking out of the dirt. I couldn’t tell you what’s around us because I haven’t lifted my eyes since we started our journey, but from what people have been saying, this is what I’ve heard…

Oh, look at that tree, crazy.

The flowers are gorgeous.

Did you see that tree trunk, it was covered in moss.

It feels like Endor—I appreciated the Star Wars reference, that one almost pulled my attention.

Who knew bamboo could be that tall?

A rainbow. It’s good luck.

They’ve painted a beautiful picture in my head and honestly, I think using my imagination to set the scene is worth so much more than actually looking up.

“We’re coming up on the bridge,” Liko says. “Be careful, it might be slippery. If you need to use the handrails, please do.”

The sound of crashing water fills the air as we approach the bridge. The path grows damper, and when we hit the bridge, a fine mist floats around us, cooling down my sweaty and tense body, something I didn’t realize I needed until we hit the grand falls.

I was so focused on the snakes that I failed to recognize that my body was overheated and incredibly strained.

“Can you look up?” Maggie says, tugging on me. “It’s beautiful and you’re missing it.”

“And let a snake bite me while I’m distracted by water?” I swipe my branch across the bridge. “Nice try.”

“Brody, look…up.” She tilts my chin up with her hand, forcing me to see the series of waterfalls tumbling down before us, as well as the rest of the green mountains, lushly overgrown trees, and beautiful flowers that dot the scenery with splashes of color.

Well…would you look at that. This place is beautiful and not at all what I pictured in my head from everyone’s descriptions.

Guess I wasn’t as good at setting the scene as I thought I was.

“See,” she says. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

I look around, taking it all in, including the rainbow that flashes through the splashing waterfall.

Christ, it is beautiful.

Ethereal.

Unreal.

Unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.

Like we were transported to another planet that has been untouched by humankind.

“Wow,” I say.

“Exactly. So can you put your branch down and actually experience this? I feel like you’re going to regret it if you don’t.”

I glance down at her. “You act like you care about me or something.”

“I care about my sanity, and the last thing I want to hear when we get back to the bungalow is that you were so consumed by the thought of snakes that you forgot to enjoy the land around you.”

“I wouldn’t complain.”

“Please,” she whispers. “You overthink everything, all the time. You would have summarized this day as a wash and blamed the snakes for taking an experience away from you. Stolen by their slippery no-limbed bodies.”

I chuckle because slippery, no-limbed body is the phrase I probably would have used. Am I rubbing off on her? Lord knows she’s been rubbing off on me…

We spend the next few minutes taking pictures in front of the waterfalls, Maggie and I going last with my branch. She poses as if we’re a couple, her hand on my chest, me standing with the branch in my hand, but we smile and everyone tells us how cute we are—and when I say everyone, I mean Haisley.

When we’re ready, Liko leads us across the bridge the rest of the way and when we reach another dirt path, I lower my branch to the trail and start sweeping back and forth, using those janglers…

But Maggie has other ideas because she stops me with her hand on my arm. When I glance at her, she says, “Set the branch down.”

“This branch is the reason we’ve been safe this entire time.”

“You’re delusional and I refuse to hear you sweep that thing the entire way. Now set it down.”

“You realize you’re my pretend girlfriend,” I whisper, “not mother.”

She pats my cheek in a lovingly way. “And you’re about to be a publicly single man if you don’t set the branch down.”

“You act as if that’s a threat to me.”

Her eyes narrow and before I can tell what’s happening, she snatches my snake wand away and chucks it into the depths of the forest.

“You wench,” I hiss.

Proud of herself, she slips her arm through mine and says, “Now enjoy the hike. You won’t experience anything like this ever again.”

“Yes, I will,” I say. “I’ll experience it on our hike back from the palapa.”

“God, you’re annoying.”

“Lucky for you, I’m not as annoying as you,” I say as Liko stops us in front of a huge tree whose dozens of trunks stretch to the ground and make it look like it was created by Hollywood rather than nature.

“This is one of our ancient banyan trees. These thick-looking trunks are actually aerial prop roots…”

Maggie pulls me closer to get a better, up-close look, but I hold her back. “What are you doing?”

“I want to look at the roots.”

“Right here is a great place to look at them.” I stand firmly on the trail.

She tugs my arm, bringing me closer to the edge of the path.

“Stop that,” I hiss at her.

“I want to see better.”

“Then take a look for yourself—don’t drag me with you.”

“But I need something to steady myself on,” she complains, tugging me again.

I remain in place. “Then maybe you shouldn’t have tossed my branch into the armpit of the jungle.”

“You’re being ridiculous. Just come a little closer.” She tugs me again, throwing me slightly off balance as I stumble over a rock in the path.

To catch my balance, I take one step forward, one foot landing right in the middle of the dark brush.

I nearly squeal out of pure fright, not wanting to enter the dungeon of any hungry reptiles, but I tamp it down as to not thoroughly embarrass myself. Instead, I regain my composure, think good thoughts as I lift my leg to bring it back to the path, only for Maggie to keep me firmly planted in place.

“Maggie,” I say through clenched teeth, right next to her ear. “If I don’t move out of this bush in two seconds, I’m going to throw you across—ahhhhhhhhh!” I scream as a sharp stab of pain travels up my skin.

What the—

I glance down just in time to watch none other than a motherfucking snake the size of my goddamn arm slither across my path and to the other side of the trail.

My eyes bug out.

My arms flail above my head.

And a very lady-like, blood-curdling scream flies out of my mouth. “Ahhhhhhhhhh!”

A pool-sized amount of adrenaline and fear wash over me all at once as I jog in place, the screams continuing to fall out of my mouth.

A pitch so high only bats can hear from miles away.

“S-s-snake!” I scream and point. “It…it bit me. Oh, my fuck, I’ve been bitten. I’ve actually been bitten. This…this is the end of me.” My head turns woozy, my legs stop moving and I become paralyzed. “I…the snake…fuck…me.”

I wobble to the left.

I wobble to the right.

And as I feel my eyes roll to the back of my head and my body starts to careen toward the ground, I gasp out, “Man down,” right before collapsing onto the trail.