Chapter 115 –
Saoirse's
POV
"No, Robert, you will do anything but listen to what your mate, when I was begging you not to go and see your little 'friend'. I am sorry, as I am not trying to hurt you, but I need time to figure things out for myself. Please give me the time to think," I told him. I was standing in the living room, but I couldn't get any closer to him than I was. It was hard enough not to want to get wrapped up in his arms and have him tell me that everything was going to be OK. I wanted that to happen so much, but the pain was still fresh for me. I was distracted for a while, going to deal with the mess at Kamaira. But now, the pain was all I could think about.
"Baby," Robert cried out in relief. "Please, just let me in, Saoirse. I am sorry about what happened. It was completely my fault. I want you to yell at me, do anything. I need you to speak to me. I love you, and I want to be with you. You are the only one in my heart."
I couldn't handle seeing his handsome face. He was worried, and he should be. I warned him when we got together. I begged him not to hurt me. I knew I shouldn't have given in and agreed to be his mate. Look at what it had got me. This had been a mistake on my part, but I will be keeping my baby. I am not going to mention the baby to him just yet. I didn't want him to stay with me just because I was pregnant.
I needed to take Cara to my former village. That way, she could find me there whenever she needed me. I will train her from there. I had decided what I would do on the plane as we flew back. I just hadn't realized that I was rubbing my stomach as I thought. It was an accident. I guess I was trying to comfort the baby, along with myself, as I thought things through.
I was glad that Cara mentioned it to me. I didn't want anyone mentioning it to Robert. He would become even more upset once he realized I was carrying his pup. How come he loves me so much now? A few days ago, I begged him not to go to Adra. I had a bad feeling about what was about to happen, and she ended up almost raping him. I couldn't stop tears running down my face as I hurried up the stairs.
Hearing him calling after me hurt. Does he think I am enjoying this? That I wanted this to happen? I am decimated by his lack of care and concern for me. I begged him not to go, yet he knew better than me. This life lesson for him hurt me much more than it hurt him. I was the one who had suffered from both his actions and hers. I headed for my room and climbed into bed. I stared at the wall for about ten minutes before I heard a knock on my door. I knew it was Cara and called for her to come in.
"I made you a sandwich, Mom. You need to eat. I know you don't want to, but you still need to keep your strength up," Cara told me.
I sat up and managed a few bites, but that was all I could eat. I wasn't hungry. I was overcome with grief at the situation. I pushed the plate back towards her and laid back down. I felt Cara's arms wrap around me. I was thankful for her silent support.
We said nothing for about twenty minutes before I said, "Tomorrow, I am taking you to the village I have been living in before you opened my letter. That way, you can find it when you want to come and see me. I am going to train you there. Now that the threat against you is gone, you do not need Alexei to come with you. I don't know how he will be received there. I need to figure out what to do next without people telling me their opinions. This is his pack, of course they will be on his side. Seeing him hurt me more than I thought it would. I am glad I removed his palm print the second we got home. He was only about twenty minutes behind us. Home," I had to scoff.
I really thought this place would become my home. I had dreams of living here with Robert and of helping take care of Cara and her sisters when they needed me. I don't make promises lightly. I am very serious about being there for them. They have the necklaces, so they can still reach me at any time. But I needed some time to get past the pain. I needed to make decisions with a clear head and not out of pain or anger. I also needed to get prepared to have another child.
"It is still your home, Mom. I want you to be here, and so does Brenna. She is the Luna here, so you will always be welcome here. I can promise you that. Take some time for yourself. I get it. Things are hard right now. I am sorry I pushed you to accept him. I know that Robert loves you, but he underestimated Adra. You can go there, and I promise I will visit you. I do have a few questions. How long will your pregnancy be? Do you think the baby will be a wolf, a witch, or a hybrid?" Cara asked.
She was trying to distract me from my pain, and it was helping. I smiled at the wall and started answering questions. "With the baby being a wolf, it should be between five, and six months. Without your asking, I know you will want to know about vampire pregnancies. Those are usually about six months. It could be shorter, as Alexei comes from a royal line. You will have the same questions for that pregnancy as well. Your baby could be a vampire, witch, or hybrid. I can't wait to meet my grandbaby when they get here. I am sorry for running away like this, Cara. But I need a clear head to make important decisions," I admitted.
"I understand, Mom, I do. I could tell how upset you were when he started to plead. I want you to be happy, Mom. More than anything else, I know that Robert makes you happy. I am not telling you to go one way or the other. But I know that he loves you. I can feel it. He is in a great deal of pain, too. I hope that you remember that he hasn't had a relationship before. I am in a similar boat. It's confusing to know what to do. Doing your normal routine always helped me, and delivering groceries to Adra was part of his routine. He is a very handsome wolf, Mom. He didn't even realize that she would go that far. I don't want you to throw away a lifetime of happiness because of a jealous witch," Cara told me.
I can see what she is saying. I haven't made a decision one way or another yet. I just need to have some peace. To allow me to get my head on straight. Right now, the doubts of me not being good enough for Robert are filling my brain. That is what James had told me. He laughed at me after he returned home with his freshly marked mate. He mocked me for thinking he could have loved or wanted me. I closed my eyes, but those memories kept playing inside my head. The doubts and distrust I buried deep inside me all chimed in on me being foolish enough to believe that Robert ever wanted me.
"Cara, I won't stay gone and will keep in touch. I will be safe in the village and still have you, so I am not as heartbroken as I was last. I guess even if this ends between Robert and me. I will still have a memento of our love in the form of your younger brother or sister. So no matter what, this will have happened for the best," I murmured to her.
She lay with me for another twenty minutes before getting up to leave. "I support you, Mom. What you feel is what you feel. You are entitled to feel hurt, sad, and angry. No one can truly feel what you are feeling in this situation. I am here for you no matter what. When did you want to leave tomorrow?" Cara asked.
"Is ten in the morning good with you?" I asked.
"I will meet you in the living room. I am skipping training with Brenna tomorrow and probably the next day. I think we all deserve a few days off," Cara stated.
"We can hold off on our training, too, if you like. I understand that this has been a stressful couple of days. I can take you there so you can find it again. I can show you around my village if you would like," I offered. I just wanted to go home and lick my wounds, but I didn't want Cara to worry about me. But if Cara wanted to see the village, I would be happy to show her around.
"Mom, I know you need some peace, so I just want to go there to find out where you will be staying. The threat level is low, and I am sure that Jaxon is spearheading an investigation into Lena's friends as we speak. I would be glad to go with you tomorrow. Or you can take a few days away and come back on Monday, and we can start this again. That will give us both three days off-like a mini vacation of sorts.
My daughter being so kind to me made me tear up. I will always be glad that I came here to find her after she opened my letter. No matter what, I was happy to have her in my life again. I will be a mother again soon. I needed to think about what I wanted in life, what I could and couldn't live without. I don't want to hurt Robert. I knew that he was hurting, too. I can feel it. His pain is causing my pain to increase.
Cara shut the door behind her as she left. I let the tears flow again. What had I done to deserve this? How did I get another wolf who claimed he wanted me yet gave me no respect? This was some serious deja vu. I believed Echo when he said that we were true mates and he wanted me. Did that mean that Echo wanted me but not Robert? I gave into the bond when I should have just held strong and ignored the pull.
No, that wasn't right. Robert loved me, and he did want me. The ache in my heart tells me that. He is just as miserable as I am right now. I am trying to rationalize things, but it is hard. He is hurting just as badly as I am. I wanted to know where he was and could feel he was at Anton and Cheryl's home. I was glad to see that he was not sulking in his apartment. He lived on the Gamma floor in the same packhouse that Jaxon and Brenna lived in. I was glad that he was not alone. He needed support, too.