Behind The Alpha Series Book 3 NALA

PENELOPE

Jesse may not say it, but I can feel how much he cares about me and my wellbeing. It’s gives me strength to deal with his broken soul. He hides it, but the Lord knows. He’s a good provider for me and protector. I just need to help him find confidence in that.

What worries me, though, is his crimes. He’s a wanted man which makes honest work hard. I try to keep my needs to a minimum, but as the days go by, I’m finding myself needing more in order to keep these men in a comfort they can endure.

I just hope he can stay the path and not fall back to breaking laws. I just have to trust he’ll find a decent solution to our money issues.

I try to keep my faith that everything will be fine as I drop kindling and wood next to the fire pit.

I hear a howl and look to the trees.

A giant white wolf breaches the tree line and runs across the yard to the cabin. Mutt shifts at the door and walks in. They have been talking in there for days. I’ve been trying to be respectful and not pry, but I can’t fight it anymore.

I silently walk to the wall of the cabin. The walls are thin wood and being one room, it makes listening in quite easy if you intend on doing so.

“Blake’s meeting us at the border.” Mutt says.

“Ok. What about the train?” Dakota asks.

“It’ll hit the station at 9 in the mornin’. Which means it’ll hit the state line at 8:15.” Jesse says.

I turn my back to the wall. He’s going through with the train robbery, I think as my heart sinks.

“The plan is same as always. Dakota, you and the boys head to the station, I’ll jump the train and take the guards.”

“The gold car is the center one. The door is locked, you’ll need to get in by the roof. You’ll have about thirty minutes to get to the car, take out the guards and get back to the engine to stop it. ” Harley informs.

“This better not be a death sentence, buddy.” Dakota grumbles.

“It’s not. Quit worryin’. You sound like the woman.” Jesse grumbles back.

“She’s the smart one.”

I hear chairs shuffle and head to the door.

I wring my hands at what this means. That uneasy feeling I had before creeps over my skin. I don’t like this. There must be a better way.

“Get the horses ready. Be ready at first light.” Jesse barks and I dash to my wood pile as the door opens.

The boys walk out and go off to prepare for supper.

I flip the rabbits in the pans and stand. Wiping my hands on my apron.

Jesse starts for his horse when I meet his path. “What’s…what’s going on?” I look around to the men and back up to him.

“Nothin’.” He says as he avoids my eyes.

“Jesse. If we are to make this work, I need honesty…” I stop him.

He turns and looks at me. “I don’t need to do anythin’.” He furrows his brow. “What we have, darlin', doesn’t include me doin' anything to make you feel better. Let’s get that clear right now. I tell ya what ya need to know and that’s the end of it.”

I fold my arms and mirror his stance. “If we are to be together, I can’t be kept sheltered and I will not be silent. I know what you’re doing, sir. I’ve told you how feel about this activity and still you choose to do things your own way without considering my thoughts. I don’t like lying. If this is what you consider right, we may have to rethink this arrangement.”

“Listen here, sweetheart. You have no mind to tell me what I need to do or not. I’m surviving. I’m makin’ it so all of us can survive. If you got a problem with how I do that, Langston’s that way.” He points to the trees and turns to the horses.

“Why must you be so unreasonable? You know this is unsafe. You know this is dishonest…” I walk behind him and say to his back.

He spins around. “Quit pesterin’ me, woman!”

“No. I wont! You promised me. You lied to me!” I scowl at him as I feel the irritation build in me.

He takes big steps me. He takes an aggressive stance and flares his eyes at me. “YOU LISTEN AND YOU LISTEN GOOD! NOW, I TOLD YOU WHO…AND WHAT…I WAS!! RIGHT FROM DAY FUCKIN’ ONE!”

Fear ran through me as he yelled in my face.

His angry eyes stared at me. “I TOLD YOU TO RUN! TO LEAVE…ME…BE! YOU DON'T LISTEN!” He taps his ear hard.

My brows stitch up and my cheeks heat. His friends all stop what their doing and stare.

“THIS IS WHO I AM! HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?! SO, IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM LOVIN' ME FOR WHAT I DO, frankly sweetheart, that’s on you.” He snarls and looks me over. “I couldn’t care less if you love me or not for it and I don’t care if you leave me for it. Honestly, I wish you would.”

A tear wells in my eye. “You don’t mean that.” I say as my lip trembles.

“I do. I mean it whole heartedly. You want honest, well Sweet Pea, I’ll give you goddam honesty.” He grits.

“Please, stop.” I say as his words hit me. Every letter stabs me like a hot blade.

“No. You need to hear me and maybe you’ll get it in that pretty skull. You think that just because you’re with me, you have any say? You think that because I lay with you, say nice words, that means I love you?” He scrunches his brow as he tilts his head. His glare bores into my soul as more tears fall. “Darlin', that’s not what this is. It won’t ever be that.”

His face was cold. Stone hard. He didn’t care that he was hurting me inside. His face showed nothing but indifference to me and my love for him. I don’t understand.

“Why are you doing this?” I say quietly as the pain he’s causing increases.

“Because, Penelope. I’m getting sick and tired of you thinking there’s good in here. There isn’t. You’re the best roll in the hay I’ve had in year, but that’s it. You want more than that? Git the fuck away from me.” He leans close and my face heats even more. “Cuz ya ain’t gettin’ it.”

I fight crying and just blink at him. My mind is having trouble making his actions make sense with his words. How can he act like he loves me one day and hate me the next?

He pulls back, turns and looks over his shoulder. “Go find somethin’ to do and leave me be.” He mumbles and walks off.

I’m left there with sweaty hands in my apron. My heart is racing and my humiliation builds as the men eye me. I try to save myself by biting my lip, fixing my apron and walking back to the cabin.

I pause at the door, then go in.

Inside, I straighten things up. I push in a chair to the table. My hands grip the chair back as I process the hurtful message Jesse delivered. I take in a deep, shaky breath. I sit down and place my elbows on the table and fold my hands in front of my lips.

His words hit me over and over to the point I have to cry. My heart and faith is shattered. I’m afraid of seeing him in a different light. I don’t want to. My mind says to go. Go home. Face my father and be done with it. My heart feels hurt. He just made me feel like the women he said I wasn’t. I feel weak and stupid for thinking I could save the outlaw. Stupid for believing an outlaw would want a settled life.

If he can say those thing so easily, am I safe with him now? Am I safe with any of them?

I need to clear mind and pray.

I rush out of the cabin, throwing my apron on the ground and run into the woods. I hitch my skirt and wipe my crying eyes.

Once I’m at the river, I fall to my but in the pebbles. I sob as I look to the water where our beautiful, intimate moment has now been blackened by Jesse’s hatred.

I hold my fingers to my nose in prayer and pray for answers. I pray for solutions. I pray for forgiveness for my naïve thoughts. I ask for strength and affirmation that this is just a test and it will pass. This has to be a test. It has to be.

As I pray, the whispers grow in my mind. The angels speak to me. I close my wet eyes and listen as my breath hitches.

Please…please give me the answers.

All I hear is chaos. Voices upon voices and none make sense.

Frustration sets in and I throw my head to my arms on my knees and cry harder.

“The rabbits burned.”

I shoot up and turn.

Jesse is standing behind me with his thumbs in his trouser hands.

My chin shakes as my heart hurts more.

He walks to me, drops to his knees and pulls me into his chest. I held his shirt and cried uncontrollably. He held my head and rested his chin on my head.

“I’m sorry, Sweet Pea.” He whispers. “So sorry. It had to be said.”

“Why?” I choke.

“Because, baby. As much as ya want it, I’m not yours. I’m not the man for you.” I holds me tighter.

“You are.” I cry.

“No, sweetheart. The universe has a man out there that will love ya back the way you deserve. That’s not me.” He lifts my head and wipes my cheeks. “There’s a special man out there just waitin’ for ya, Sweat Pea. He’s all yours. He’ll treat ya a hell of a lot better than I can.”

“But I can’t stop loving you.” I hitch.

“Ya gonna have to try, baby. I can only love the thought of ya. My heart? I can’t give ya something I just don’t have for you. We aren't meant to be, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want ya around or don’t want ya, I do. Just…don’t expect much from me, ok? You get what ya get. I need you to understand that.” His words settle my tears but did nothing for my heartbreak.

I sit up. “So, you want me, but you don’t want to love me.” I stare him and wipe my eyes and nose.

He tilts his head. “I can’t, Penelope. I really can’t. You’re not meant for me. That’s just it.” He looked cold, but there was something in his look that confused me. It was like he was hiding something. Something he wasn’t telling me.

He cupped my cheeks and smiled a tiny bit. “Until that man comes to sweep ya away from me, I still want to enjoy every minute with ya. I care about you, sweetheart. That I can attest to. You give me somethin’ to come home to. For that, I’ll always be grateful. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever come across and I do like havin’ ya here. It’s just…not forever, that’s all.”

I nod. It doesn’t make the pain in my chest any better, but at least it’s something. He maybe right. There may be another out there for me. Right now, I want it to be him. Can I live this way? Knowing that my life with him is only a temporary love?

He pulls my head to his. “Understand something right now. If I’m with you, I’m only with you. Let’s make that clear in case ya thinkin’ it. I will never touch another woman they way I touch you. Ever in my time with you. My eyes right now are only for you and no other man will have ya either until I’m fixin’ to let you go. While you’re in my bed, I’ll be that man ya need.”

I nod. “That’s fine.”

“Is it? I want you to be really understandin’ of this now.” He gazes into my eyes.

“Yes, I understand that we have this time together. We should…take it as a blessing.” The corner of my lips tick up.

“You are, Sweet Pea. Don’t think anythin else. You are such a damn blessing…to any man.”

His lips gently kiss mine and I feel myself let go. He deepens the kiss and again, confusion sets in because his kiss doesn’t match his words. His lips aren’t as distant as he says he is.

He breaks the kiss and rests his forehead on mine. “Ok. Harley is remaking supper. Dry yer pretty eyes and get some grub. I gotta prepare for this job.”

I smile and stand. “Ok. See you later?”

“See ya later, Sweet Pea.” He smiles back.

I walk back to the cabin with a small sense of calm, but I also feel a sense of doubt. He’s sheltering me again. I’ll respect his wishes and distance myself from him. I’ll be with him the way he wants, but I have this nagging feeling that what he says and what he feels are not the total story. I hope he eventually reveals what he’s hiding.