Behind The Alpha Book 5 Deacon

JENNY

This experience has definitely changed me inside.

Between the time spent with Deacon, the Lunas and the training, I do feel a little stronger. Will I be the life of the party? No. I don’t think so. That girl was crushed a long time ago. My cautious side may have been temporarily pushed aside, but my walls aren’t totally gone. They won’t ever be. I fear if I let my guard down, I won’t be safe anymore.

As I watch the desert speed by our window, I feel like I can let some of myself out to Deacon. If we are to develop into something more, he should know more about me than what I’ve told him. It might make it more clear about why I did what I did on the mountain.

I face forward and play with my shirt. “I want to tell you something.”

He faces me. “Sure, baby. What about?”

I swallow as my memories come back. “Why I’m the way I am and why I’m not like I used to be.”

“I’m listening.” He grabs my hand.

“I told you how my pack never travels. Never takes risks and shies from others.” I start.

“Yes.” He says.

“We were never like that. We were a lot like your pack until The Hunt.” I side eye him.

“The hunt?”

I nod. “A coming of age hunt. After the second month of pup school, the adults feel we have enough control of our wolves to join in an annual hunt. 13 year olds run with the pack and hunt small prey. We bring it back and it’s our offering of acceptance and it can be great fun.”

I put my hand in his. “I was a rambunctious teenager with two older brothers, I wanted to be like the guys. I was so excited. It’s all I could talk about. Since finding out about it, running with the big wolves was my only dream.”

Deacons mouth ticks up. “It sounds exciting. It’s kind of a good idea. I like it.”

I side eye him. “You won’t after you hear what happened.”

He looks at me confused.

“We were given a bunch of rules, but I wasn’t listening. The Hunt gave me such a rush, I just wanted to go.” I give a little half smile.

He chuckles softly. “OK. That explains the not listening.”

“I was a risk taker. My brothers called me a daredevil. I gave very little thought to my actions.”

The fear of that day fills me. “Anyway, we ran through the woods. Over a hundred wolves. Some of the adults, my brothers included, flushed out an elk. He was gigantic. His antlers could easily kill if need be.” I take a deep breath.

“They chased him all over the wood. He ducked into the trees and the adults gave up. Pups were only supposed to kill rabbits or mice. We were certainly too small for an elk, but sometimes our eyes see us as bigger than we are. I saw where the he went so, I did what any daredevil would do. I chased it.”

“Alone?” He asks.

I nod. “The pack moved on. They didn’t know I was in the trees. I didn’t know they left me behind. All I could focus on was the elk. When I found him again, I had him cornered. I threatened him and he responded by digging his hoof into the dirt. My wolf didn’t care that he could gore us. I didn’t care that my tiny, barely alive she wolf was about to tackle a monstrous stag. She pushed and pushed.”

The fear grew and took me over as I relived it.

“She went in for a takedown, but he reared up and brought his antlers down. I felt them go into my tiny body. I thought he’d run away but he didn’t. He reared again and stomped on me so hard, I felt my bones snap. My wolf cried so loud. I screamed for my parents and brothers through the link. I don’t know if anyone heard me, but it was too late anyway. He reared again. He crushed my head and ribs. He stomped me again and again. This wasn’t escape, it was revenge. He was making me pay for daring to attack him.”

I breathe to keep calm as I finish.

“Jesus, baby.” Deacon squeezes my hand.

“It gets worse.” I choke. “He crushed me into the forest floor. My wolf screamed in agony. When the adults found me, every bone in my body was broken. My skull was broken in five places. My back was shattered. All four of my legs…”

“Fuck, honey.” Deacons face pains.

My teary eyes flick to his. “Surprisingly, that was nothing compared what happened after. While the elk was killing me, my cries attracted something even more horrible.”

“What?”

I hitch a breath. “A pack. A large, white pack.”

“Dragons.” Deacon breathes as eyes widen.

I start to panic. “I didn’t mean to. I swear. I just wanted to be like my brothers.” I try to control my guilt and pain, but it’s not working. “They attacked us. Killed pups. Killed my friends. It was all my fault because I was too stupid to realize the risk I was taking. If I only stayed and follow the rules…”

“Damn it.” He grabs me and I cry into his chest. “Baby. It wasn’t your fault, OK. If the Dragons were that close to your pack, they were planning an attack anyway. You getting trampled has no bearing on it.” He lifts my head as I choke back my tears and wipes my cheeks. “Listen. I have been fighting these assholes since I joined the Alliance. Trust me, they aren’t around borders for a walk. It was pure coincidence. They would have attacked regardless. You can’t blame yourself for that.”

“I can because they weren’t ready. They were worried about me and were unprepared for it. If I hadn’t of did what I did, they could have saved them.” I sob.

“You don’t know that, sweetheart. Yes, it was a stupid move, but you just can’t stop living because of it and you certainly can’t punish yourself for it.” He hugs my head.

I push off him. “It was that day, my father shut the border. No one was allowed in and the hunt was canceled indefinitely. The pack itself became fearful. Untrusting. No one left the confines of town unless they absolutely had to and even then, it wasn’t very far. We stayed where it was safe. I’m the first one out in ten years.”

He crosses his arms. “Do they know the Dragons are virtually nonexistent?”

“They are?” I tilt my head.

He nods. “Yeah. The leaders are scattered and the pack is labeled rogue now.”

I think. “But that doesn’t mean others can’t attack us.”

“Jenny. Some pack will always attack. That’s part of being a shifter. We always crave more territory, or fight for freedom. I like being one of the good guys so, I’d die before I join the Dragons. The point is, you can’t hide from the world because you got attacked. You learn from it. Grow stronger. You hide and cower, they’ve won.” He takes my hand again and I lay my head on his shoulder.

“I wish I could believe that. After the rogue attack, I’m not so sure this world really safe.” I mumble.

He rests his hand on my head. “The world is dangerous. It always will be, but it’s up to people like me to try and keep you safe. I’ll defend your world to the death if I have to. Why? So you don’t have to fear it anymore. This is a vow I’m making to you.”

“That’s very honorable.” I sniff.

He leans to me. “It’s not honor, it’s a duty. My duty will always be to protect those I love. Thank you for sharing that with me. It helped me understand. That’s all I want. Just to be able to understand you. I recognize how hard that was for you. You’re braver already for letting go.”

I smile, take my glasses off and wipe my puffy eyes.

“Is the attack the reason why you wear those?” He points to them.

I put them back on my eyes. “Yes. I spent 3 months in the ICU healing from the damage the elk did. Suffered multiple surgeries, re-broken bones, but my ocular nerves were damaged beyond repair. I can see, for now, but if I don’t wear my glasses, my eyes just shut down after a while and I can’t see. They say I’ll go fully blind one day, but the glasses help stave that outcome off.”

“Interesting. Weird, but interesting.” He says.

I chuckle. “That’s me. A big weirdo.” I lace my fingers in his and kiss the back of his hand. “I never told anyone how I felt about that day. Nobody talks about it anymore. Being an Alpha daughter, nobody dares…”

“Wait. You’re Alpha?” He arches a brow.

“Born and bred.” I tick my head and shrug.

“Holy shit. No wonder you blew me off so easily. Your inner Alpha grew on that mountain.” He informs. “How come I couldn’t sense it?”

“I guess I don’t really feel it. I’ve never identified as Alpha. My wolf never did either. The two of us are just too scared of everything.” I glance at him then out the window.

“Huh. Well, we'll have to work on that.” He leans past me to look out the door of the helicopter. “But not right now. Look…We're home.” He points outside.

I look to where he’s indicating. I see the landing area for Upton just below us. The helicopter circles around and begins dropping to the earth and I fill with relief. I miss my store and tiny apartment. I’m so glad to be home.

He kissing my temple. “When we settle in, I want to talk about living arrangements.”

“Living arrangements?” I cinch my brows.

“Yes, I told you I’m not leaving you alone and I meant it. I want you to move in with me.” He says as the helicopter jostled in the turbulence.

“Deacon…No. I’m not moving out of my store.” I shake my head.

“Baby, I don’t feel safe leaving you alone there. What if you walk again?” He cups my cheek.

“I’m home now. It’s all I wanted in Phoenix. I promise you. Nothings going to happen.” I reassure him.

“No. You’re coming with me.” He insists.

I fold my arms. “You said you wouldn’t control me.”

He opens his mouth and closes it. “Shit.” He rubs his nape and backs off.

“Right.” I arch a brow. “I’ll be fine.”

He points in my face. “OK, but I’m staying with you until I’m sure.”

“I can agree to that.” I smile. “Besides, I like you in my bed.”

“I like being in your bed too.” He drawls and kisses me as the helicopter touches down.