Back & Forth | Book 1 of Back & Forth Series

Today is the day. The day that my father finally decided to pay his debt. Despite all the convincing everyone was doing to me, I can’t help but to think over my nightmare. I’ve been awake since three a.m. and haven’t been able to bring myself back to sleep ever since then. Now I’m actually convinced that I actually shifted. With dreams, I usually forget about the details within minutes, or even seconds, after I wake up from my slumber. What I had last night was too real to just be a dream. I remember everything from it. Like almost to every little details of it. Other than that, in dreams I usually jump from one place to the other and the timing is weird and non linear. What happened last night was like how life is. The time is linear and the moments are chronological. The way it happened makes sense despite how expensive everyone is willing to pay to get me. Maybe that’s just the reality of that kind of auction? I don’t know. I’ve never to that kind of thing until now.

Now that I’m sure I just shifted last night but came back here, can I just shift and skip this part where Federico ruins almost everything? Can I just shift to a reality where I’m already living my best, amazing, and wonderful life with my family and Luciano? I wish I’ve done this shifting earlier to not experience all the bad stuff with my parents but then if I did that, then I probably wouldn’t know about my cousins and Luciano. Now that I think about it again, this reality is not that bad anymore. I’m finally free from my parents. I don’t have to live and deal with them anymore. I’m finally living with people who protect me and care about my well-being.

By living this life here with my cousins and Luciano, I have to leave the people that I loved behind, like Uncle Ryan. The thing is, is it even worth it to stay only for one person that I’m no longer close with anymore? I don’t think so. It’s just life. People come and go. I guess this is just my time to finally leave everything and everyone from my old life behind and start anew with new people in a new place.

I’m sorry, Uncle Ryan. I have to leave for my own good. I feel like I have no life purpose anymore in my home country. I think I’ve finally found my new life purpose, that is to help and also protect my family here.

I know by staying here it means that I’m joining the mafia but as bad as it might sounds, I actually love to be a part of the famiglia. Call me immoral for joining a criminal organisation but this just feels like my true calling. Maybe this is just my way of thinking but I think we’re better than Federico. Yeah, we’re bad for selling illicit drugs and weapons but it’s just business. Everyone has free will to use whatever they have either for good or bad purposes. It doesn’t mean if they decided to do something bad with it they won’t face any consequences later on.

Nothing’s ever been black and white in this world. I’m not a saint and someone innocent before I got here but that doesn’t mean I can’t do something good for others and be empathetic to someone else, especially innocent people. So, yeah. To me, everything in this world is pretty much morally grey. There’s good in bad and there’s bad in good. There’s no clear-cut division between the good and the bad.

Good and bad is pretty much based on someone’s judgement. It’s subjective. Someone might do what other people perceive to be a bad thing for a good reason. For example, killing people. Some people might not agree with killing other people no matter what the reason is because the action itself is considered evil. Some might agree with killing other people as long as there a good motive behind it, like defending yourself from a robber or a rapist. Other example is using drugs. Some country legalise the usage of drugs for recreational purposes while some don’t. It really is based on people’s perspective. So, just like what I said before, nothing is purely good or bad. We can’t really avoid being bad. What we think is good might be what someone think is bad.

Okay. I’ll stop being philosophical now. So, back to my reality. When I was still living with my parents, I’ve tried to run away and leave them so many times. Unfortunately, they always ended up knowing about my plan and force me to come back to them. It’s weird to be living with them. I feel like I don’t exist but also exist at the same time. I’m only exist to them when I did something wrong in their eyes but the other time I was there and do nothing bad, they don’t acknowledge me. It’s tiring to be blamed on everything that went wrong. Even if it’s not my fault. It feels like they don’t want me despite them being the one who brought me into this life. The only reason they keep me alive is probably because of peer pressure. Most old-fashioned people always expect a married couple to have a child so that’s probably the reason why I’m here on this earth in the first place. They just have me to get rid of that pressure so others can leave them alone.

Anyways, all that blaming was one of reason why I’ve been suicidal all this time. I always wished I was dead or disappeared. I didn’t care about how it’s going to happen but I just wish for it to happen. I never have the courage to take my own life. I’m scared about what’s waiting for me on the other side after I die. I was raised in a family that believe and practice religion. I’ve always been told by everyone that if I kill myself, I’ll end up in hell for all eternity. I’m actually not a very religious person myself because I still sin and don’t follow everything from the holy book and scriptures. I do believe that God and the afterlife, heaven and hell, exists. Because of that reason, I only wish for something bad to happen to me. I always wish that I’ll get into a fatal accident, killed by someone, or as simple as dying in my sleep. At least if that happens, then it won’t be considered as suicide. It’s not my fault so I can’t be blamed and I won’t be hold accountable for it in the judgement day if that even makes any sense.

That’s why when Luciano came to kidnap me I thought I finally find the way to my freedom. Freedom from being a burden to anyone and everything bad in my life. I thought I was going to finally die that day. It was rather disappointing to find that they didn’t plan on killing me. Now that everything else has happened, such as me discovering that I have a caring and protective family who runs a mafia and getting superpowers within a week, I’m not sure if I want to die anymore. At least not anytime soon.

Now that I have people who cares about me, like actually care about me, I don’t feel like killing myself anymore. I’m the contrary, I want to stay alive and kill people who hurts my family. I finally got to be loved and cared for. It’s not just someone random on the internet telling everyone else something like:

“People care about you.”

“You are loved.”

“You are not alone.”

“Life is amazing.”

“You are important to someone.”

“You’re alive for a reason.”

Those kind of words used to only make me feel even more depressed because I know that none of that was true for me. I never feel like people truly care about me. Well, except for Uncle Ryan. I feel like he’s the only one that cares about me. He was the closest person that I consider as a father figure. At least that’s how I used to feel.

Okay. Enough with the depressing story. I don’t want to drown in that feeling anymore. I’m free from my parents now, which are the people that caused my depression. I don’t have to worry about them anymore. I am finally loved. I finally have people that care about me. I have an amazing, badass life and wonderful family now. There’s nothing to be worried about now other than Federico. I have to focus on getting rid of him. I can’t let him get what he wants. I’m not going to let him hurt my family. He’ll have to face me first if he wants to do that. Too bad he won’t be able to get through me. I’ll make sure he suffer so badly that he thinks he’s in hell.

I check the time on the clock and it’s still five in the morning. That means I’ve been awake for two hours. Everyone’s still sleeping soundly in their beds but I can’t do it. Not after that weird shifting experience. I feel like I’m drowsy and might fall asleep anytime soon but at the same time I can’t sleep and don’t want to do it. I’m actually kinda scared that something bad might happen once I fall asleep.

My father is nothing compared to Alessandro. He doesn’t have the kind of power Alessandro has yet here I am worrying about my father beating Alessandro in his own game. I really hope this is just me being anxious. I also hope my father won’t pull any stupid stunt tonight. I swear if he does, I’m going to make him regret it. One more thing, if my father pretends to be all sad and worried when he sees me, I’m going to cringe so badly that I end up throwing up on myself.

“You’re awake already?”

I turn my head to my right and see Luciano staring at me sleepily. I just realised how weird it is that my cousins let Luciano sleep next to me again after what happened yesterday. I guess they think it’s fine now that they know I don’t mind having Luciano in the same bed as I am.

“Yeah. I can’t sleep. I’ve been awake since three.” I said quietly with a frown. Luciano shifts to his side and props his head on his hand.

“Nervous about today?” Luciano asked, frowning at me.

“Yeah.” I responded.

How could I not be nervous? I’m going to see my father again after a week away from him. I don’t want to do it but I have to do he’ll pay his debt. What happened in my dream or whatever the hell it was only makes me feel worse. Despite what everyone has told me last night, about how they’ll protect me and won’t let anything bad happen to me, I’m still afraid that it will end up happening in this reality. I don’t want to go back with my father only to be sold to a human trafficker and got bought by Federico or any other pervert that are participating in the auction.

“I know I’ve said this before but we’ll protect you. We won’t let anything happen to you. I promise. Nine of us will let anything bad happen to you.” Luciano reassured me.

I know, Luciano. I know. I hate that my mind can’t shut up about it and keep showing me the worst case scenarios. I want all of it to stop. If something happens, I know I could defend myself in a subtle way by using my powers. Why am I keep worrying about this like I’m a normal human being with no superpowers?

“I know. I just can’t stop thinking about what happened in my dream and other things that could happen.” I explained.

I hope whatever that happened in my other reality won’t happen in this one. I don’t want to be bought by someone through an auction and be a sex slave or whatever those sick-minded bastards want me to be.

An auction like that may be something that happens on the regular with the consent of the sex workers that are involved but it’s different than the one I was in. The girls there are kidnapped, trafficked, and then sold to sadistic perverts. I really wish I could do something about this. Maybe someday in the future. Alessandro told me that our famiglia have been working with the government and authorities to identify and arrest people involved in human trafficking so I’ll probably have the chance to help them with that in the future.

“Okay. Let me help you get your mind off of your thoughts.” Luciano said. I only stare back at him as a thought appears in my mind. Nah. There’s no way that’s the thing in his mind. Don’t make this weird, Allura.

“What do you have in mind?” I asked. I focus my gaze on his eyes, not wanting to accidentally look elsewhere.

“Think about the time you feel the happiest.” Luciano said. Happy? When? Where? How?

My mind suddenly goes blank at the instruction. Fuck. Now I can’t think of anything. Everything suddenly disappears.

“I can’t think of anything.” I said, frowning at Luciano.

“It’s okay. Let’s do something else.” Luciano suggested.

“Wait. I have a question.” I said. I’m really curious about what he thinks of this particular thing I have in my mind. I feel so nervous now but I want to asked him the question right now.

“What is it?” Luciano asked.

“Alessandro and Uncle Emiliano have told me that all of you never deal with any type of human trafficking. I’ve been thinking about this and I think in some ways we kinda connected with human trafficking business, don’t you think?” I asked.

“How?” Luciano asked.

“I mean, we sell illegal drugs and weapons. Don’t you think human traffickers could’ve used those stuff to kidnap someone?” I asked.

“Now that you’ve told me about that, yeah. We actually do kinda connected to human trafficking business in a way. I don’t think by running this illegal business of selling drugs and weapons to people means that we support it. We’re just the sellers, not the buyers and users. We’re not responsible of what people do with the things we sell. People buy our stuff for various reasons, whether for a good or bad reason. It’s inevitable to not be connected to other businesses such as human trafficking. As long as we’re not directly involved with that kind of business, I think we’re good.

“Since the start of the famiglia, we’ve kept our oath to not hurt innocent people including children and woman. We do that by not involving our famiglia in human trafficking business and make sure that everyone in the famiglia sticks to that promise. We keep that promise by not dealing or having any contract with any other organisation or famiglia that has been involved in human trafficking business or other organisation that does human trafficking.

“I’m going to absolutely sound like a hypocrite now by saying this but I think we’re better than le famiglie that are explicitly involved in human trafficking. We know that what we’re doing is on the wrong side of the law but selling another human being or their organs is the lowest level of evil. Yes, we do kill people who’s in our way and betrayed us but innocent people? It’s an absolute no. There’s no way I could live the rest of my life peacefully after killing innocents, especially women and children.” Luciano explained.

So, does this mean I basically have the same morals as the rest of my family? Good. I thought it was just me who think like this but now I know that Luciano also thinks the same way as I do. That’s good to know.

“Okay. I think you’re not really hypocrites. You’re different than human traffickers. You don’t hurt people without reason and I think that’s what makes us better than them.” I said.

“Even better, we actually have allies and friends who works in the government and law enforcement agencies like the Interpol. You could say that we work with the government to eliminate human trafficking business. They let us run our illegal business as long as we help them catch everyone who’s involved in human trafficking by giving them information about them. The three leaders of the human trafficking business in this country are Federico, Giordano Russo, and Andrea Gambino. Andrea already got caught by the Interpol two years ago after his involvement in the kidnapping of fifteen girls from Spain and France was discovered. Other than him, Uncle Emiliano somehow managed to get information on Francesco Lombardi, one of our former ministers, involvement in the human trafficking business and got him arrested. He found the connection between Andrea and Francesco but none with Federico and Giordano. However, we’re sure that they worked together.” Luciano explained.

Oh. I remember Francesco. He was Alessio’s bully’s father. I don’t think Francesco had a great influence on the human trafficking business though. I’m getting that he’s involved in the business because Giordano has a proof of Francesco buying an underage girl to be his sex slave. Carla didn’t know about it though. Giordano blackmailed Francesco with that to keep working with him and accommodated better access to traffic the girls easier. About Andrea, I’m getting that he was Giordano’s partner. His second-in-command to be exact. I have a feeling Giordano is much more dangerous than Federico. I guess it’s because he’s the one who runs the auction.

“Giordano is the person who run the auction like in your dream. He only sends out invitations to his loyal customers and people who are recommended and invited by his trusted loyal customers. He does the auction in different places each time. That’s why it is hard for the authorities to catch them in the act and get enough information to put them in jail. Federico in that business is more like the buyer. The investor. He buys girls for his clubs to be the strippers and escorts.

“That’s why we always hate his guts. We resent him even more after finding out that he’s been messing with us for months.” Luciano explained.

Okay. I’m right about it. Giordano is more dangerous than Federico because he’s the one who runs the auction. He definitely has powerful connections with the authorities to be able to run that filthy business. That’s what makes him hard to capture because he has people to watch his back.

Now, my question is, how does Luciano know about all this information if Giordano only send invites to his loyal customers?

“How do you find out about all this stuff if Giordano has been keeping all this private?” I asked.

“One of the people who worked for the government went undercover as one of the guards for the auction. He almost got killed by Giordano after he got caught for being a mole. Now he’s living under a new identity and doesn’t work for the government anymore. Ever since then, no one hasn’t been able to go undercover again and get more information about the Giordano’s business.” Luciano explained.

When was this? I don’t think it happened recently with only that much information we have. It must’ve happened from a long time ago.

“Okay. When was the last time you got any reliable information about the auction?” I asked.

“Around four years ago.” Luciano answered.

Four years? Everything probably already changed a lot to prevent the law enforcement from catching him. If he does have powerful connections with the authorities, probably not so much since he has people to protect him. Let’s see if Luciano knows anything about it.

“Does he still operate the auction the same way he did years ago?” I asked again.

“Possibly. Federico and Giordano actually planned on making a sort of resort on an island where they’ll traffic girls there and let the rich guests do crazy shits with them. I’m not sure if they’ve built the island and operated it now. It’s been 4 years since we found out about it and we haven’t gotten any new information ever since then.” Luciano said. An island for pedophiles and rapists? That sounds familiar.

“Are you saying that they want to build something like the Epstein Island?” I asked. My stomach churns at the thought of that vile place. It’s crazy that they’re planning to build something like that. Auctioning girls off is already crazy enough and now this. What the fuck is wrong with these people’s minds? They seriously need help. I think it’s better if we just put them in the electric chair though. No amount of therapy will heal this people easily.

“That’s exactly what they’re planning to make. They want to built the island for the purpose of getting explicit materials to be used for blackmail. If those assholes fall for this shit and think that they have a guaranteed privacy there, they’re stupid.” Luciano explained.

This is what’s going to happen if someone has such high desire in becoming the most powerful person on earth. He disregards other people’s well-being including innocent people like the girls who got trafficked. He becomes so power and money hungry that he’ll destroy and hurt others that get in his way to achieve more power.

Men like Giordano and Federico always greedy. They never feel like they have enough of everything even after conquering the whole universe. They need more and more power and money to satisfy their greed for those things but they’re never satisfied. They always want more and more. They want to be god himself but they’ll never achieve that kind of power. They’ll only lead themselves to their own downfall.

“That’s insane. When I get the chance, I swear I’ll spend my sweet time torturing Federico and Giordano to death. I want to see them suffer. Hell, if I could, I’d do the same to every rapists and pedophiles in the world. They’re seriously deranged to even be able to think of doing such sickening things to other people, especially children.” I said with anger raging inside of me. I unclench my jaw, but still feel furious about Giordano and Federico. What I just said is a promise. I’m going to do that if I get the chance to do it. They won’t see me coming at them.

“I’m sure the world’s population gonna decrease by 50% if you do that.” Luciano said jokingly. Well, that could possibly be the truth if all rapists and pedophiles in the world are obliterated. It doesn’t matter if the world lose half of its population because of that. I think the world would be a much better place anyway without those assholes.

“More space for us.” I smile at Luciano.

“Alright. Now let’s stop talking about those perverts. I want you to be calmer so you can go back to sleep, not the other way around. Close your eyes.” Luciano said. I obey his command and sigh as I stare at the darkness behind my eyelids.

“Okay. Now imagine yourself standing in the middle of a calm meadow. There’s a soft breeze blowing at your way every now and then. There’s nothing around you except blossoming wild flowers and a big tree standing tall in the middle of the meadow. It’s only meters away from you. Then you approach the tree as you run your hand through the sweet-smelling flowers. The soft breeze still flowing through your hair lightly. You keep walking and walking until you reach the big, lush tree. Now you’re sitting down with your back against the trunk of the tree. You close your eyes as you listen to the sound of rustling grass surrounding you. You keep your eyes closed and now you’re focused on breathing deeply and calmly. You start to feel sleepier as you stare at the darkness behind your eyelids. Remember this, when you fall asleep, there will be no dreams or nightmare. You will only feel yourself surrounded by a calming energy. Now sleep.”

His last word is like a snap of a finger that hypnotises me. I don’t know what power Luciano has on me but now I’m surrounded by darkness and silence. It’s a calming darkness just like what Luciano said and now I can finally sleep peacefully.